Captain, need your advice please!



  • Hi Captain,

    I want to ask you again about my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I have asked before on the compatibility thread but that was months ago and you said that we are a good match and to keep on fighting the good fight. Someone else on the forum told me that i should move on because despite the fact he loves me he isn't right for me. Considering we have been involved with each other quite intensely in the past almost 3 years, my feelings, his and what you have previously said i feel quite confused at the moment. I have some doubts about him and something in his behavior makes it difficult to believe his sincerity although i don't question his feelings for me. I'd appreciate any input.

    Thanks



  • Yes things have changed between you. Or rather you have changed - grown stronger - and your ex doesn't like it.



  • He can still be right for you if he adjusts to and accepts your inner changes.



  • He feels you are growing away from him.



  • You are right, Captain, there is something like this going on i guess. Although i am not sure in what way i've become stronger. At the moment i feel like he is the one in the stronger position. All these things you mention are how i feel about him. However he did call me a month ago and was upset that i'm moving on with my life and don't care about him anymore. Which is untrue i did still care but he was seeing someone else. It's like a silly power struggle. Now we sort of back together but it all feels a bit strange to me.

    I know we can be still right for each other as we care so much about one another and there always been this deep connection betweens us that i even used to joke that we are soulmates. But i am not sure if he is mature enough to have a committed relationship. I am not even talking about settling down, living together and etc. but having an honest relationship where we are both comfortable to speak about our feelings and openly discuss issues and etc. In your compatibility reading you mentioned that he had difficult time growing up and now he wants to have lots of fun and tries to prove himself over and over again. And you were spot on with this one. He did have difficult time growing up had to start working and taking care of himself very young and his mother wasn't around much. I think he is torn between being single and making up on all the fun he's missed in his teenage years and being with me.

    I guess what i am trying to ask is do you see us getting through all of this together? Do you think he will manage to grow into a more mature relationship?



  • I am seeing your strength and wisdom in your reply. I wish you could see it too. You have grown up a lot.

    No one can predict whether a person will change their attitudes in the long term. That is entirely up to your friend and to if and when he decides that he can have fun in a committed relationship. Trouble is he hasn't any idea of what commitment is all about because he hasn't seen any good examples of it in his life.

    Maybe you can help him understand or maybe he needs a lot more life experiences in order to learn. The best you can do is to wish him well but take care of your own needs first. The future is unformed - all we can deal with is the present moment. If you are unhappy with the way things are now, then something has to change. Don't waste your life hoping for 'what might be.'



  • Thanks for the kind words, i wish i could see it too. I actually am afraid of the fact that i am growing up, so much i haven't done and so much to do but not much happening at the moment i'm feeling stuck. What you've said about the future being unformed is inspiring though and just what i need to boost my mood.

    I think i was seeking some sort of a confirmation that i'm doing the right thing of getting involved with him again emotionally and getting my hopes up or justifying my fears that i'm getting myself in unnecessary trouble and heart ache. I just don't want to get myself into something that will disappoint me. But i guess if you are scared of bears you don't go to the woods as they say 🙂

    Something needs to change indeed but i am not sure how to go about it. I think for the time being will go with the flow and see how the situation unfolds in the next couple of weeks. Decisions, decisions...

    Thanks so much for your advice 🙂



  • Don't fear growing up - welcome it for the wisdom and perspective it brings. As a child you are vulnerable to hurt. As you grow up, you learn how to avoid hurt or at least to deal with it when it comes.

    Are you indeed going with the flow or just putting off making a decision because your fear the consequences? Waiting for random fate to step in means you are not taking charge of your life. You do know what you have to do - you just aren't willing to look deep inside for the answer. But the answer may not be what you fear it will be.



  • I fear growing up because i feel stuck like nothing is evolving in my life at the moment and i'm missing out on so much. I wouldn't say that i'm entirely unhappy with my life at the moment but yeah i feel like i'm not moving forward.

    I think you might be right about the decisions, it's not my strongest trait when it comes to my personal life .. i get at least 5 "what if" scenarios and at the end i get confused what i want, what is right, what is the best thing to do. I don't know how to look deep inside. I try to get all the thinking out of the way and maybe when it's quiet up there i'd be able to see more clearly or feel at least. But no luck to this point. Sometimes i have very strong gut feelings but i don't always trust them coz i don't know where they are coming from...

    What do you mean that the answer might not be what i fear it will be?



  • I feel that you think the decisions you have to make will bring more trouble to you but in fact they will free you up to enjoy your life so much more - once you have gotten over the hardest part which is follwoing your gut feelings about what to do.