Please help...



  • I need some advice. Is it wrong to have sex with someone your not going out with?



  • How does it make you feel?



  • If I may step in here TheCaptain please... and put my two cents in.

    Dear LoveConfusedLibra, from reading your post I get the sense, that you do not feel right giving someone the keys to your"Treasure Chest" without a commitment, Monogamy etc.,etc,

    I am assuming, that you had a strict upbring like myself? {My mother was a virgin on her wedding night. She was 29 years old when she got married!!!!!!!!!} She always bragged about the fact that she saved herself for my father.

    So I would feel SO Guilty and Crummy whenever I had premarital s* eX Especially when I went to college. As you know having SEX without a commitment is part of the college culture. You have Coed Dorms in most colleges now. So the Hormones get the knocking and the Cots got the Rocking!!!!

    The fact is that AS WOMEN we can not play that game!!!!!!!

    The Sexual Revolution has done Women such a disservice.

    FEMINISM belongs only in: Education,WorkPlace, Healthcare, Voting Rights,and fighting the Misogyny in the Rap Videos, PlayBoy,Hustler, etc., etc.....

    Feminism does NOT belong in the BEDROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I could PIMP SLAP Gloria Steinman and the rest of her Crackpot Radical Feminist that thought that women could sleep around like MEN, and not suffer the: Social, Emotional, Mental, and Physical ramifications ie.STD's. I know a woman who was dealing with a guy with no Monogamy requirements for 13 years!! He up and married another woman 3 months later after Dumping her! How"s that for "Expressing your sexual freedom"???? Can't blame the guy if you did not set the boundaries and standards from the begining....Right?

    Once you are looking down the barrel of the 40's shotgun; who will want to date or marry you after years,years, and years of giving it away for free?

    Men are funny. When Gloria and her other Crackpots annouced that a woman should be free to express her sexuality like a man. They (men) gave that notion "Two Thumbs Up" Men figured...Hey, Alright!!!!! I can have SEX* with Julie, Maria, Jessica, Patty,Mary,Tasha, Shunquita, Amber and Mikyo without them expecting me to Call afterwards; or, Marry them (God forbid he gets one of them pregnant). For there is the Abortion clinic down the street... and my fake phone# is 867-5309 LOLOL

    But...did they marry any of these women??? Hell No!!!! Would you want your son to marry a woman who acts like a Man??

    Watch the show Sex in the City and tell me if they are happy with having such a free reeling sex life without any "strings attach".

    So..I will leave this to YOU. It is okay IF, you do not allow yourself to get emotionally attached ,and use CONDOMS!!!!. However, I would not do this "No Strings Attached" with a lot of Guys. For word will get around that you like to give the keys to your "Treasure Chest" willingly.

    Good Luck.



  • Thanks pilot007. this gives me alot to think about. There is more to the storey that i think i should share though. Im not proud to admit it but i am seventeen and in highschool, part doesnt bother me to much. its the fact that he has a girlfriend of 8 months and i have no regret for what i did. What should i do?



  • Love your answers Pilot and RC. Why buy the cow, if you get the milk for free? Remember that saying? We were young once though. I would say treasure yourself and respect yourself and never doing anything that doesn't feel right. You have to respect yourself the next day.



  • I'll add my two cents here too. When I was young I gave away the key as well for foolish reasons. Still to this day 18 years later.... I have issues in that department. SEX is supposed to mean something with a committed partner. For me now it doesnt really have a "meaning". If I would go back and change things... I wouldn't say I'd never do it beofre I got married, but I would sure as heck made sure it meant something... not just a booty call to put it lightly.

    So I would suggest you look at the situation from a different persepective. WHY? Why did you do it with a boy that you know was in a committed relationship? Not to assume anything but really look deep. Did you do this because you feel as though you love him? And dig deeper from there... Why didnt you wait until he was free? Was it to try to get him to leave her? And then look at it in reverse. Is this a quality you truely want in a man period. One that is willing to cheat on his partner for any reason?

    To find out what your true self would say you need to dig deeper...Look at the WHY's..... Then re read that answer to the why.... Write them down even if it is only for you. Look at the answers and see...Are they real answers? Or do they sound kind of lame when you think about it more. If you lie to yourself here it is only you that will be hurt.... no one else.



  • LoveConfusedLibra, be very careful. I feel there is a real chance this boy will turn on you for what you did and spread the word that you are anyone's for the taking. You could easily gain a bad reputation here.



  • To the Lovely LoveConfusedLibra,

    Yes, that is right!! Listen to TheCaptain. She is very insightful!!!

    TheCaptain knows what she is talking about, she has helped a lot of individuals on this forum, including me!! A lot of us adults on this forum are trying to make sense of it all. ALL of us are not PERFECT. So when we give you insight, it is because WE love you, and are looking out for your best interest. YOU are precious to us, and we want YOU to be a healthy, smart and beautiful Young Lady.

    I was YOUNG,DUMB & CHEWING BUBBLE GUM at one time too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    NOW... I am going to be FRANK & HONEST with YOU. Since, you are behaving like an ADULT by having underage SEX, I am going to talk to you like one!!

    I had a difficult year (2009) getting over the breakup of my exboyfriend. Like Mom2jess said...SEX* should MEAN something. With my exboyfriend our union in the bedroom was very Spiritual. I will always compare him to other men. Which is why religion teaches us to not have premarital SEX; for, you will compare your husband to other men who are 10,11, 12, and 13 inches,.. wink wink. When you share your body with someone you exchange spirits. Also, a woman releases Oxytocin when she makes love to someone she has a spiritual connection with.

    WHAT are you going to do then, when you realize that you can not detach yourself emotionally?

    ONCE you are spiritually and emotionally connected you can forget it!! Good Luck with the detaching process!

    I have CHOSEN to stay celibate. I have been celibate for over 18 months now. Believe me...sometimes I feel like climbing the wall, for I have a healthy SEX drive. I personally do not think that I will meet another man with whom I can share that spiritual and emotional bond with.

    CANCERS will do that to you I was told....(Check out the forums talking about Cancers on this site).

    Like TheCaptain said, you could easily gain a BAD reputation!!

    Also lets look at the underage aspect of it SHALL we?

    First: YOU should not be having SEX* under the age of 18 anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU should be getting ready for your PROM? Shopping at the Limited, Abercrombie & Fitch, The Gap and Express? Or, spending the weekend listening to Taylor Swift and the Black Eyed Peas WITH your FRIENDS. Filling out College applications AND preparing for the SAT & ACT WITH your FRIENDS!

    Not preparing yourself for the next Orgasm!! ( by the way..... are you even having ORGASMS*??)

    SEX* is for ADULTS. Are YOU ready to make the agonizing decision, of having to have an abortion? Are YOU ready to make the adult decision of having to pay: Rent, Food, Clothes, Utility Bills. Day Care Bills, Life Insurance Bills, Braces, Piano Lessons, Private School tuition etc., etc.

    If YOU are not prepared for this young lady...then wait until you are a responsible ADULT.

    .

    Second: YOU need to understand the rules of sisterhood.{Sleeping with another woman's boyfriend, husband, gaylover, etc., etc. is not COOL!!!

    You do realize that YOU are sharing another woman's VAGINAL juices right??????

    Third: Like Dr.Phil Mcgraw said on the Dr. Phil show "If they do it WITH you, they will do it TO you"

    The fact that this "Jesse James" wannabe does not respect his own current relationship speaks volumes!

    Poetic555 and mom2jess gave you some excellent insight as well!

    I am not telling YOU to wait until Marriage, for I do not promote early marriages. I believe that, young women your age should be thinking about college,career, traveling and accomplishing your goals before you become a mom. Once the husband and kids come....you lose your sense of self.

    Save yourself for a gentleman who wants a REAL relationship.

    Please keep us posted, and have Good, Clean, fun at YOUR PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Good Luck 🙂



  • If any of you other Ladies and Gentlemen on this forum would like to offer the LovelyConfusedLibra advice; or your Two Cents, please do!!!



  • I thank everyone for their advice, especially pilot007 but there are some pionts that i want to go over. First of all i am finally starting to like this guy but i have no plans of ever going out with him. Also, call me naive but i am not to worried about him telling anyone becuase he knows if he does, word will eventually get around to his girlfriend and she will leave him. The thought of pregnacy and the "what if" is always on my mind but we do use condoms. Another thing is, yes i know im "sharing another womans VAGINAL juices" and as gross as it sounds it will be the same with any guy I will sleep with in my future unless he is a virgin but the chances of getting one of those is slim and not something i would go out of my way for. oh and another thing, I am turning 18 in october and even though i will be a senior next year im not planing on going to prom. I know everyone says it is a must for highschoolers but it is so expensive and i dont get why it is so important. Maybe by the time it roles around next year and i have a job i will have changed my mind but i dont know.

    I dont know why i do what i do. maybe its because i have pushed my emotions so far away to protect myself that i cant read them anymore or maybe i have just learned not to care. I know that is no excuse for my actions and there is nothing that i can do to fix what i did. Growing up, my dad was always out of the picture. everycouple years i will get a call from him or one of his kids but that is it. I have always lived with my mom but she has never had very good taste in partners although it doesnt help that she is an only child and so am i so we both have grown up very sheltered and overly protected. Sometime i want with every fiber in my body to rebel but i am afraid to hurt her because we are pretty much all each other has. what should i do?



  • Oh....sweetie....my first instinct is to offer you comfort. Would you do a favor and try something for me? Come back in a few days and re-read every word of this whole thread.... and read it as though it is about someone youve never met. I can almost feel your pain...its like your screaming so loud for someone to notice you.

    I too was an only child... I have gone through the sheltered over protectivness... Explain what it is you are so rebelious about?

    Also something sounded so strange.... I'm finally starting to like this guy....Why did you have sex with someone you didnt like? That part honestly is baffling me.

    Also... PLEASE REMEMBER CONDOMS ARE NOT 100% Do you know how many babies are "condom" babies? and its not just babies... You could get critters that give you a life time of misery and embarassment....I think about that every time I see comercials for "warts" If ya know what I mean.... Condoms dont protect against that as far as I know....and can you imagine having to explain that to EVERY man that you are with FOREVER? Or worse... you meet your soul mate....and he wont take that risk?



  • I feel i need to comment here, as i feel i have lived this life you are living. When i was growing up i had young parents who didnt know how to communicate with each other let alone their children and i withdrew all emotional attatchment from them so i could cope with their raging rows and violent outbursts, unfortunately for me that same withdrawal went for guys too. I would use men to what i thought was my advantage,thinking they liked me for me....hindsight is a wonderful thing, if i have any advice for myself it would be to get a life and see what they see.

    I dont mean to be brutal here, you may feel you have strong feelings for this guy, but if you cut yourself off from him emotionally and stand back and look you will see it for what it really is. From experience i can only tell you how i have found life and you can take it with you or leave it, but if hes seeing you behind his girlfriends back, hell keep doing it with whoever will allow him to, untill hes grown up and realised what it is to need and want that special woman in his life.

    Sorry this is such a negative post but at the end of the day can you see a positive???

    Hope you find true happiness else where as i dont feel you will ever get it here XXXXX

    I feel you just need a big hug and a good friend to talk too XX take careXX



  • LoveConfusedLibra,

    I am sorry to hear you going through this confusion, and just happy these ladies

    here gave thier advice and happy you came to the right place for advice.

    Listen I will put it to you like this: You are Young and being young we dont

    examine what we do, Because its already pre-examined,By what people think is cool consciously your not looking at the fact of your IMAGE, and how this boy is gaining power over YOU, you are young and have many options to choose from, you must like this guy, because

    when a girl likes a guy they will give them things that a guys likes to fulfill which is s e x

    desire and your desire as well, which is keeping him coming back to You.

    You are thinking if i give him the s e x that he desires eventually he'll leave her and

    keep me. BUT NO, you have so many options and so much ahead of you,

    focus on your studies! get a job, join a team or something, Because

    there are a lot of girls with guys because of a BOOSTED reputation and there girls

    with guys just because of the Fun you have one year left of highschool accomplish that first.

    girls are having s e x & have nothing i watch the show 16 and preganant all the time,

    and it just pains me to see these girls almost Lost, in pain & suffering from Now limited

    opportunities.. Plus this guy has a girlfriend already, why would you need him ?



  • piolot,

    oh my goodness, I read your post and i must say!!

    You are a true WOMEN! you are the Mom i always dreamed of

    im so happy you ar ehear teaching this young lady, you could'nt have

    said it BETTER, i even learned a few things. I am so happy i read your post

    today honestly. i think im gonna cry now. 😃 tears of joy.

    god bless you.



  • Thank you. After reaing all of your posts i have alot to consider. I dont know what i am going to do. I know it is wrong but even though i have no intention of ever giong out with him i still want him. I live in a house hold where i constantly have the people looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do. I think for me it is about finally doing something for myself. Not because i am forced to but because i want to. I have been looking for a job for over a year now and it seams that no matter how many applications i fill out, i can never seam to find one. any advice?



  • LoveConfusedLibra,

    My advice would be to go away to college. Your attitude & perspective will change. Don't put much effort into thinking about this guy at this time. Chances are in a year he & his girl friend will have gone their separate ways. You could contact him then if he comes up in your thoughts. You will be more removed from those old feelings at that time as well.

    Sexual awakening is such an awesome thing & s e x should be with someone who has mutual love & respect for each other. It doesn't matter what gender you are. These feelings are true for both, it's just young men feel they have to prove something to themselves.

    I can also relate to you as I grew up without family members to talk to so I'm happy to help you with any advice that I can give. I feel that I'm non judgmental & I've raised two good children with whom I'm very close. Also, I'm a Leo so there's no such thing as TMI to me.

    LL



  • They broke up today....



  • LCL,

    Is this the same guy you mentioned in your post 6 mos ago? If it is, there is a pattern there that you should not get involved again. If you are talking about a different guy here you should still not pursue him at this time for the many legit issues mentioned in this thread. I think you know instictively that it would be destructive. You mentioned you were having trouble finding a job & this is true for many people right now. You could do some volunteer work or find a mentor in a field in which you are interested. The humane society has many young volunteers & the work is so satisfying. They usually have many fund raisers which are fun, too. You seem very sensitive, intelligent & emotionally strong, so I hope you are considering college.

    Regardless, I wouldn't get involved with this guy until a year has past & perhaps he may mature a little bit. If you still have feelings for each other you could see where it goes from there. And I'm assuming he's your same age.

    LL



  • Dear littlelioness, he is thankfully not the same guy i mentioned 6 months ago. That guy is happily in realtionship with a new girl. They have been goingout for quite a few months. The guy i am talking about now is giong to be 18 in about a month and a half



  • HEY!! he needs to leave YOU alone then...You are under the age of 18. having SEX with you would be considered Statutory Rape!!!!!!!!! When he turns 18.