Bad relationship habits, don't blow a good thing!
12 Bad Relationship Habits
Don't blow a good thing
Most poor relationship habits have one thing in common: the goal to attain something we want. These needs can be described as either a behavior, object, reward, or affirmation of existence. The worst part of these, is many of us do not realize we are engaging in these habits, nor the damage they can do. As you read through these 12 habits, keep an eye open for anything familiar. The first step to reducing the damage of a bad habit, is recognizing when you are using them and making a change.
1. Criticizing, Complaining, or Nagging
Nobody likes to be told they are a bad partner. This form of behavioral control usually pushes a partner to become even more resistant to change.
Advice: Instead of criticizing, try complimenting the behaviors you do appreciate.
It is easy to blame others for our problems. It takes the pressure off of ourselves, and puts it on those around us to change.
Advice: Though you may think that it is just your partner, it is most likely both of you who need to do some changing. Sometimes you need to accept your partner for who they are.
3. Fighting in Public
Some partners think that by arguing in public (making a scene), they are in fact giving themselves the upper hand. But like a child in a candy store having a tantrum, they are only humiliating themselves.
Advice: Wait until you get to the privacy of your home or car to work out a disagreement.
4. Inability to say, "I'm Sorry"
Pride and stubbornness is the bringer of this unfortunate habit, which is the inability to take responsibility for our own actions. Why should we be sorry when we are never wrong?
Advice: One of the quickest ways to lose respect from a partner, is not being able to own up to your own mistakes. Stop blaming everybody else!
5. Holding a Grudge
Some partners just cannot seem to forget the past. They bring up old hurtful events, time and again, as a means to illicit behavioral control ("you said this", "you did that").
Advice: The only way for a relationship to heal and flourish, is to forgive.
This behavior comes as a last resort when a partner feels they have nowhere else to turn (If you don't do this, then this is going to happen"). The problem is, by threatening, you are setting a very unhealthy precedence in the relationship.
Advice: While forceful behavioral control may work in the beginning, there is only so many times you can use the same threat before it loses its shock value. Instead of trying to strong arm your partner into submission, try communicating your needs with respect.
7. Passive Aggression
The opposite of threatening a partner out right, is using a passive punishment, that consists of refusing to speak to them. They may have no idea what they did, but they know they're in trouble.
Advice: Passive aggression is absolutely pointless. The only person who really ends up punished is the one who elicits the behavior. If you are upset with your partner, communicate your feelings openly and respectfully.
Jealousy is a form of overt infatuation, lack of security, and the inability to love and trust. None of which should be a part of a healthy relationship.
Advice: If you are involved in a relationship that makes you feel insecure, perhaps it is time to have a heart to heart. Security and trust are the basis of any lasting, happy, and passionate relationship.
Some partners see time as a very important part of their life, while others do not. This can become very aggravating to the person who likes to keep a schedule. Some partners also use this as a form of passive aggressive punishment, expressing their dislike to be somewhere, by always getting there late.
Advice: Compromise. The "time sensitive" partner may need to relax a bit, but the "time challenged" partner will need to make a noticeable effort to resist being late.
10. Chore -Challenged
Some couples fall into a rut where one partner is always under a heavier load of chores. To make matters worse, these chores may become expected, unappreciated, and lead to resentment.
Advice: Chores should be a discussion very early in a relationship. Good habits are formed, when a couple is allowed to express their expectations, agree on them, and follow through.
Bribing, rewarding, or in other words, manipulating your partner is always a bad idea. You may think that you are fooling them, but your partner will know what you are up to. It is particularly bad to use sex as a behavioral control ("If you go to this party, I'll give you a treat later").
Advice: If you want to reward your partner for being a good sport, make it a surprise when they least expect it. This will mean so much more to them, than a reward out of trade for services.
Lying is a double edged sword. You may think you are doing it to protect your partner, but in the end you are only hurting them worse.
Advice: Know the difference between a white lie and hard lie. A white lie is when you keep part of the truth to protect someone from being hurt (lie: "you look very nice", underlying thought: You look like you got dressed in the dark). A hard lie is when you lie to a partner in order to protect your own interest. (Lie: "The jacket was only $25", underlying thought: $25, plus another $400).
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Emergence....as I read this...I saw myself in some of those with regards to how I dealt with my ex-husband. The funnier thing....I see my ex-boyfriend using these tactics with the new girlfriend. haha....this will be one of those times I keep silent. :0) Good thread! I like this. Love lots...from mummy... :0)
AuntBuck (aka Mummy) :D,
In this forum, I have read many post about relationships break up, no communications, she left, he left, he was being and A S S, she was being a B I T C H.....etc etc..
Yes, I am one of those complainers too!! lol
After reading this article, I am more "easy" with my Taurus lol because I know I have given him a hard time too ( ouch, it hurts just to admit that lol!!)
What we tend to forget here is to look back on that relationship and see what have WE done wrong! WE are too busy pointing fingers at our partner, putting all the blame but WE just do not take the time to actually focus on what WE might have done wrong. What part did WE played in the relationship?
I believe this is a good article for some of us here. As we have always said, we never stop learning!
Lots of love!
Gonna bake some bread now!
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Omgoodness is it only me or do all ladies Complain,
i nag too! sometimes i may hold a grudge in public
but its not so easy to get over things after 2o mins lol
plus i hate being EASY i guess i could stop the nagging
and stop the silent treatment sometimes lol
I stop whining, complaining and giving the cold shoulder lol!
Whenever he said something which is driving me to do just that, I take a pause and a deep breath.
Instead of complaining, I told him calmly - I respect your freedom in doing your stuff but I appreciate if you take me into account and communicate , to avoid any misunderstandings.
Instead of whining - I gave him a straight answer - Sorry, I don't wish you telling me what to do as I do not tell you what to don either, let's find a way to compromise please?
Instead of silent treatment - LOL! I still do but only for a while, never last long haha. I forgive easily still
Emergence i was reading that and i was going to ask you if you would marry me man what a woman but i finished reading dissipointed no i am just kidding i bet you would make a great wife .But if you had read some of my writings when the first 12 years of my marriage we did have a fairy tale marriage and we did practice a lot of that and it was great but it also turned into most of that .I will share me i can not speak for her but one of the things when i would let me back up i will stick to me and my actions .Something i think is very important is if a woman comes up to and talks to me i always told my wife about it and the main reason was i did not her hearing from some one else they see me talking to another woman and not say any thing about it i did not want to give any reason for her to doubt me .I have found a lot of women want say anything afraid their mate will get jealous.And if you ask them and they get defensive to me a red flag goes up It makes me wonder why they would get defensive unless there was some thing to it . The only thing i ever ask of my wife before we got married was do not lie to me thats all i ask and to me a lie is a lie truth is truth no between now will i say something true that would hurt her feelings no if i did it would be in a loving or constructive manner and probably both like if she ask if her makeup looks terrible when we had been working in the yard all day .I would say yes but anybodies would if they had been working in the yard all day and i might follow that with but i did not marry you just for your looks .And i sure do not like the silent treatment because nothing is getting resolved when that happens if it gets that heated both need to agree to take a break and pick it up latter when things have cooled down . Does that make any since ? Delbert
I would marry you in a heartbeat because Texas is where my heart is set right now...the cliffs, the hills...the greens etc...
But I have to disappoint you my dear friend because my hearts still belong to my Taurass who is living in Texas too! So if I ever find my way there again, I will be sure to let you know and we will meet up okay?
For your info, I rather a guy to tell me that I look fat and my A S S looks big in that skinny jeans, rather then telling how sexy and how slim I am. I am not fat I know but skinny jeans has a way of making someone looks like she gained a few pound more haha. But I love skinny jeans!
I bet you look fine in skinny jeans i can not handle baggy jeans on me i am 6ft and got up to 190lb one time and i was miserable i have always been slim i stay at 175 to 180 most of the time but living by myself i have lost quite a bit of weight down to 165 i do not eat but once a day.What turns my head every time is a women wearing cut off jeans dam you would think i am 17 again oh well i tell my kids i might be old but i am not dead. I called my daughter Grannie the other day and she said dont dont even say that she has a daughter 16 and active i tried to tell them do not do like your Paw Paw i got married the first time at 16 was a daddy before i turned 17 so i become a very young grand dad but them kids do not realize what i went threw worrying about them when they were at that age . Well i bet your Taurass is a lucky man. What part of the world are you in ?i am about 35miles west of Ft Worth born and raised here and holler at me if you do get this way every thing is starting to come out the trees are starting to leaf out i love spring its like you get to start a new and theres nothing like fresh tilled soil the smell and watching seeds sprout and grow its a feeling you can not understand unless you understand i guess its like being one with mother nature i guess i just know it makes me feel good anyway i have got to get back working own my taxes i got in bed this morning at 5 and got up at 10 so i kinda rum dumb today later Delbert
I am in Europe but my Taurass is in Texas. He is about 3hrs drive away from Fort Worth. I have 2 friends living in Fort Worth and they have been bugging me to visit. I will definitely let you know when I plan to come over!
LOL - I wish my Taurass will realized how lucky he is....Nah...just kidding...he and I were both lucky to have crossed path
Have a good evening!!
Hi Emergence hope your having a good evening i have been working on taxes all day again i hate doing this i have been about ready to trow this computer out the door .But its not the computers fault its mine i filed was doing good government sent it back turned it down then i couldn't find the right form to change . I usely take all my tax stuff in a boot box and leave it with the tax person .Well as you know when you do not have the money to do that you do what you have to so i done it threw tax turbo and i liked that the problem i had was understanding the language.But i have been putting this off far as long as i could for fear of not having the money to pay it but i am getting money back right now could change already has once but i will just deal with it . Man its not like getting in your car and drive down the road to visit hu .When i was working in Jamaica there was guys from London ,and Australia,Brazil and i had a hard time understanding them and they did me anyway i have had the opportunity to practice patience today and my computer is still in one piece and i got to do something new so its been a good day. Delbert
Good luck with working on the taxes, I am sure you can do it just fine. You are an intelligent man and with the patience that you have...I am sure it will be done in no time...No dont throw the computer away! It would be such a pity for all of us here who loves hearing from you every now and then.
Yeah, I am too far for you to be driving by and have coffee with. Pray that I will soon be at the place of my dream..cliffs, mountains..hills......and we will definitely meet up
Have a good rest!
I hope this article will be beneficial for some of us, which will lead us to a healthy relationship!
Have fun reading!
Drop your Drama!
Do you repeat the same patterns in every relationship? Do you and your partner experience the same reactions to each other over and over again? If your answer is yes to either, or both, of these questions, then you might be stuck in a trance. If you want to drop your relationship drama, read on and learn how you can break free of the unconscious trances that seem to rule your relationships.
What Is a Trance?
In the book, Trances People Live, author Stephen Wolinsky explains how many of our problems and symptoms are related to unconscious trances that rule behavior. Wolinsky defines a trance as "a narrowing, shrinking, or fixating of attention." Being in a trance is like seeing only a limited, narrow spectrum. While in trance, our perspective and our sense of selfhood become constricted. Because our attention is so narrow, we are unable to draw on many of our inner resources. What we need to learn is that we are the creators of our own trances -- and we can transcend them.
State of Trance
Not all trance states are bad. In fact, many are quite pleasant. Take, for instance, Wolinsky's example of the "cute-kitty trance." You're walking along and see someone who has a box of kittens. You stop to admire them. Twenty minutes go by before you "snap" out of your trance and move on with your day.
Wolinsky asserts that we spend most of our time experiencing a "continuum of trance states -- some pleasant, many not -- in which we chug along in a bumpy series of identifications and attachments," moving from pleasant trances, such as the cute-kitty trance, to less pleasant ones, such as a "fight trance."
Isn't it odd how a fight with a partner often seems to follow the same pattern? You lose your tempers over some issue. Accusations fly. The day now "ruined," you march off to your separate places to stew. Eventually, you decide to forgive one another and make up by saying "I love you" or "you're the only one for me," as you reassert your identity as a couple.
Within this fight trance, there are multiple deep-trance phenomena -- mini-trances that you experience within the larger framework of the fight trance. For instance, your partner saying something as innocent as, "I wish you would fold your napkin," might immediately remind you of an unpleasant childhood memory, which brings to mind the phrase, "Why can't you do anything right," which then narrows your focus to being picked on and incites your anger. Your partner then goes into his or her own trance reaction and the fight trance intensifies.
Although painstaking, taking apart these phenomena through careful observation is the first step in breaking free from the web of fear and frustration you may be feeling.
Deep-trance phenomena are the means by which you shrink yourself down to limited states -- this is when you mistakenly believe things such as 'I'm a loser,' 'I'm not smart enough,' or 'I can't get close.' To break free, we must bear "witness" to our own trance behavior. The following exercises are designed to help you identify the symptoms of your trances, to take control of them, and, ultimately, transcend them. To help you get started, think of beginning the exercise as you would a meditation.
1. Find a comfortable position either sitting or lying down.
2. Settle in and begin to follow the ideas, thoughts, pictures, and dialogues that pass through your mind. (In this self-guided meditation, you can also choose to begin by focusing on a specific issue, for instance, the fight trance you experience in your relationships.)
3. Allow yourself to observe your mind's activity without interference.
4. Once you have mastered this, begin to take notice of each thought, picture, or idea as symptoms of your trance, and assign each one a label. For example, if you start thinking about childhood, label it regression, or if you start thinking about the future, label it time-distortion. The point is to begin to take note of the different aspects of your trance experiences.
5. The last part of the exercise involves consciously recreating your symptoms. For example, if you hear an internal voice say, "I'm not good enough," recreate the voice in your mind and repeat the phrase several times. Then let it go. You can do the same thing with a picture that pops into your head or a sensation you feel in your body. Recreate the phenomenon, and then let it go.
Once you see yourself as the creator of your trances, you'll be able to move beyond their effects, and improve the way you relate to yourself and others.
Lots of love and hugs!
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Emergence, as I read your post, I definetly saw myselfi a lot of these. My thoughts went to my previous relationship as I began identifying what had been done to me and what I had done to him. Thank you for your advice. I will try my best to keep on the right track.
Honor to you,
I hope this article will help you in anyway possible.
Sorry if it is a bad idea
Love in a DISTANCE
Love is such a powerful thing, it can convince you that there's a way to "be" with someone without actually being in the same place as them. If you're considering such a relationship, take a long, hard look at the good and bad aspects of long-distance love.
Good: Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Bad: Absence makes the libido wander
It's the oldest cliché in the book: the more time you spend apart, the more you'll miss and appreciate each other. To a certain extent it's true. Being separated from the person you love really does make you realize how much you like being around him.
But the dark side of that is the loneliness that comes with it. As strange as it may seem, a lot of people use missing their partners as an excuse to find physical comfort in the arms of someone else.
If you want to make a go of long-distance love, you have to honestly evaluate whether it's a reasonable expectation for you and your partner to stay faithful. If you both want to stay monogamous, you must both really commit to it. That also means you'll promise to communicate the need for other sexual relationships if things change over the long-distance period.
Good: Your life is all your own
Bad: Your life is all alone
In some ways, being in a long-distance relationship is perfect for the independent spirit. You get the security of being in love without having to really share your life. You're on your own to make decisions about everything from what to eat for dinner to where to live.
But in some ways, being in a long-distance relationship is the worst of both worlds. You don't enjoy the benefits of being single, yet you don't get any of the perks of being coupled. You can't experience the excitement of going out and flirting with new people, yet you don't have the comfort of cuddling up with the same person every night.
In order to make your long-distance relationship work, you've got carve out separate lives. Just because your honey's not around doesn't mean you can't have fun. Don't just wait by the phone -- go out with friends or treat yourself to a solo date. Long-distance love will work only if it's one element of an otherwise full, happy life.
Good: You want a future together
Bad: You want a present together
If you decide you're up for the challenge of long-distance love, it's only because you care for your partner and don't want to risk losing him. You're clearly committed to making the relationship work for the long-term because you want a future together.
But if you love your partner that much, you probably want more than a future -- you want a present together! Love is about big things like feelings and commitment, but it's also about little things, like sharing meals and cuddling on the couch.
If you decide to try a long-distance relationship, know you'll be giving those things up. But if the possibility of a future together is enough to make you happy, long-distance love just might be worth the sacrifice... only you can tell.
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No, it wasn't a bad idea. What you said made me think and almost convinces me to try a long0-distance relationship with him. Thank you, Emergence. I will take to heart what you've said and think about it.
Honor to you.
And I am wishing you all the best! Keeping my fingers crossed!
I want updates too!
Sorry for the late reply.
I didn't check this thread at all last week, was down with terrible flu.
Hope things are getting better with you?
Forgive, forget and move on....okay:)
Lots of love
x x x
How to develop an healthy relationship ( 7 stages
The seven stages of relationship development are a challenging yet necessary part of life. There's passionate love, discovery, commitment, power struggles, stability and growth, romantic love, and finally -- crisis and recovery. In order to foster a better relationship, it helps to be able to identify your current stage, understand why its importance, and know what you must do to break through to the next level. Let's look at the seven stages in detail.
Stage 1: Passionate Love
This is what most people think when they imagine young or destined love. Birds are chirping, the glass is half full, and the "love" chemicals (dopamine and phenylethalymine) have engorged the neural pathways of the brain, making you feel happy, invincible, and on top of the world. This stage often begins on the first date, and ends the day you see the person for who they really are (good or bad). To move past this honeymoon stage, don't allow the "high" to cloud your judgment about the person you're dating (i.e. an incompatible partner). Most broken hearts stemming from this stage belong to lovers who failed to see the writing on the wall.
Stage 2: Discovery
Under certain circumstances, such as when you've found your compatible soulmate, discovery can be a wonderful experience, but more than likely it will be a time of discouragement. As relationships wear on, the love chemicals in the brain begin to dry up along with our perfect perceptions of the person we're with. The person we once thought was flawless is actually human, complete with strange quirks, bad habits, and differing view points. The key to getting past this stage is discovering what it is you truly need from your partner, while learning to let go of all the little nit picky things that don't matter.
Stage 3: Commitment
We emerge from discovery with a new understanding of our partner. This stage offers security and confidence that we're with the right person, and we settle down into a committed relationship. Commitment is a wonderful change from the jealousy and/or uncertainty of stages 1 and 2, but we now have a new enemy -- monotony and boredom. Many couples become so relaxed, they forget to maintain their relationship with a dose of romance and surprise. The most effective way to push through this stage is to learn how to communicate effectively.
Stage 4: Power Struggles
Occasionally, a power struggle can occur before making a commitment. To secure a meaningful outcome, each partner must exhibit a certain level of ownership to their relationship. In stage three we were working on our partnership, and in stage four, we're rediscovering our individuality and ability to control the relationship. Perhaps you've been fishing because your partner enjoys it, but now you'd like them to do some of the things you enjoy. Perhaps they want the kitchen to be blue, but you'd much prefer red. The key to working through these types of arguments is to recognize and respect individuality, and the best way to do this is by compromise.
Stage 5: Growth & Stability
The fifth stage consists of an intimacy growth spurt, coupled with a sense of renewed stability. They say that shared trauma can bring star-crossed lovers together, and in stage five, the relationship that was once in turmoil, has now become reconnected by the common goal of helping each other grow both as individuals and partners. It's here we learn some of the ways we have sabotaged relationships in the past, and now we learn to change those behaviors. This is a stage you can enjoy working through at your leisure, but be careful not to fall victim to resentment which can occur when we overly compromise to meet the needs/dreams of a partner, without communicating our own expectations.
Stage 6: Romantic Love
If you thought that young love was wonderful, wait until you've experienced mature love. Couples who have been together long enough to work though the first five stages of a relationship know the difference between passionate and romantic love. Passionate love is built from obsession, sexual longing, and jealousy -- while romantic love comes from comfort, communication, sexual chemistry, and security. The most difficult portion of this stage is keeping up the maintenance necessary to propel this level of advanced communication and intimacy. It's easy to slip into a lower stage once a crisis evolves.
Stage 7: Crisis and Recovery
This stage can occur anytime, but due to its advanced nature, it will be considered the final stage of a relationship. A crisis could be considered an illness, job loss, death of a child, or an affair. Recovery lies in resisting the urge to take these frustrations out on each other, by taking on both roles of caretaker and patient. A crisis is equaling draining on both partners, therefore it's important to be available to give and receive. The good news is, if you recover you will have gained valuable team building experience that will enable you to take on any further challenges life has to offer.