Can't let go



  • Dear DevineEvanescene,

    Thanks for your support. My husband's headstone was placed at the top of his grave yesterday. I was there when the stone was being placed. It brings back memories from the funeral. This moment is the closure to a chapter that I never wanted to end. But I guess it is time for my beloved to travel his designated journey as well as I should begin to travel my own.

    This is a hard one for me to travel without looking back.

    Rooster5



  • Dear Rooster5,

    I remember that day also, just like it was yesterday. I think there are a lot of memories that never leave your mind. I pray that you can travel thru life without looking back, I haven't accomplished that part of it yet, but I'm trying. I will pray for you and that you will be able to rebuild and live you life to the fullest.

    Blessings,

    Minnie



  • Dear 10gemini06,

    Thanks for sending positive energy. But in your statement you tell me not to look back. I find this to be very hard for me to do. When the my husband's headstone was finally placed on his grave last week...it should have marked another chapter for me that is closed.

    But I can't adjust to the fact that this is so final. It is true that I have all his things such as pictures, his wedding band, and lots of memories

    I always use the phrase to describe us...we were stickier than tape and tighter than twine. My husband will always be embedded in my heart, soul, and mind.

    I know he is waiting for me to make my entrance to the pearlie gates of heaven so our souls can be reunited.

    Rooster5



  • Rooster5,

    I Said I would pray that you would be able to travel thru life without looking back. I can't do it either. I'm going on 3 years and I still can't move forward, I like you have all the pictures, rings and lots of memories and I just can't let it go. I"ve been told that I have to, but I like you know he is waiting for me, he must be, because I can't seem to move on, here on earth. We were like you two were, we were together 24/7 for 30 years. Worked together, and now I know that was not a real good thing, because now I don't fit without him here anymore. So I set and wait, I'm not even sure what for. Some can just go ahead without looking back, just makes you wonder how. I wished I knew.

    Blessings to you rooster5, I do feel your pain.

    Minnie



  • HI Thunder07,

    Like many, in my position, I have gone thru the birthdays, the holidays, the anniversary of my husbands passing, even to visit the cemetary, it is all so very emotional for me too . Every day holds some emotion for me, I see something or touch something that gives me a flashback of our life together. I wait for him to walk across the room or to talk to me. I still have the feeling that he has something to tell me, but I can't hear him. I know how your mom feels, and how rooster (on here) and my heart goes out to them. Most days it's a fight just to keep in mind that we should be gratful that we had them in our life, because now there are gone, we miss them so. To me, it takes great courage to go thru 20 years of sorrow and still smile every day and it takes courage to go thru a day of sorrow like this and still smile. I know it can be done, but a person has to have the will power to try, somedays I have it, and somedays I don't. I don't have the support your mom does, because there wasn't any other family member that felt the loss, and most of the friends we had were his, and they have no idea that I am going thru this. When they do stop over, I have a good smile for them. I try to go thru every day telling myself how lucky I was to have had him in my life at all, and I was. IT's just so hard to go on when half of you is missing. A lot of people have done it, and made it and I know I can too. One step at a time. Life does to on, that much I know.

    Blessings to you and your mom

    Minnie



  • Dear 10gemini06,

    I read your post to Thunder07. Please understand that each one of us has to deal with the greif of a passing love one in their own way. I do not mean to put Thunder07 feeling aside but like the saying goes...you must walk a thousand miles in my shoes to understand.

    I have walked those miles my dear friend.

    Just like you I have some good days and I have some terrible days. On those bad days my heart is so sad and it feels it is in a million peices. I often ask myself how in the world can I fix my broken heart?

    And on the good days I can go to the cemetery to visit my husband without crying but laughing to remember what once was and someday with be together again...laughing and holding each other so tight.

    Right now you are in a mist of saddness and grief and you can't look no further than today but one day soon I promise you will be able to make that step and your husband will be right there by your side.

    I am stepping to the same journey,

    Rooster5



  • Rooster5,

    Thank-you for your words of encouragement and understanding. I know that you have walked the same road and a thousand miles. I also have my bad days and my good days. It's been almost 3 years now and my bad still out number the good, but I will admit that it is a little better. I know I Am not alone, I always tell people I have my husband on one shoulder and God on the other, or I couldn't have come this far. As slow as the healing has been, it is getting there. I look forward to the day I can go to the cemetery and not cry. I know it will happen. It is a long journey but as you are making it, I can and will too. It just may take me a little longer then most.

    My husband knew this would happen, before he died, he told me not to become a hermit. Well, that's a hard request to fill, but I will. One day. It's just seems like a lonely journey, but I guess God wanted it to be this way. Another one of life's lessons.

    Thanks Rooster5 God Bless

    10Gemini06



  • Rooster5

    Are you still around and how are you doing? Seems these past few days have been pretty rough, went to the cemetary yesterday and still couldn't do it without breaking down. I will cherish the day I can do it without tears, and just have a good conversation, not that I think he is really there. I think of you and your grief every once in awhile and wonder how you are doing. If you get this and you think of it, let me know.

    My heart feels so heavy and sad today. Don't really understand why, I agree that's it been almost to long to be in such grief. I still have the feeling that he is trying to tell me something but I'm not getting it..

    10gemini06



  • Dear 10gemini06,

    Yes, I am still here. I too had gone to the cemetery on Mother's Day. I went to put flowers on my mother-in-law and husband's aunt's grave. I guess my husband's family don't go up to the cemetery. My husband is only two rows from his mom's grave.

    I took a whole bunch of flowers and stuck a little in each vase. I can feel the pain you are going through but I promise it will get better.

    When I went to the cemetery this Sunday I shed some tears because my husband and I would always put flowers on his mom and aunt's grave together. Now it is my daughter and I that put the flowers on the graves together.

    I had to go to another cemetery to put flowers on my mom's grave. I am disappointed at this cemetery because they seem to forget to cut the grass on holidays. But I guess I can't be mad at them because we have been experiencing a lot of rain. I think we get a sunny day every four days...the other days it is rainy and cold. I wonder if the warm weather is going to stay.

    When you go to the cemetery your husband remains as we know it is buried there. So I do think his spirit may be there when you come to visit him.

    What feeling do you get when you visit the cemetery? I myself can feel my husband's spirit when I visit his gravesite. I know my husband's spirit is with me wherever I go.

    Are you getting any dreams about your husband? Has he left anything unusal like coins or a certain smell...this could be his calling card.

    I know it is hard to look forward but have you thought about doing something new and exciting for you?

    If you get too lonely please write at this other thread, " Enchanted Pond ". I am often there. It is a place where many come to visit. It is a place of tall green trees and warming sunshine makes it way to your broken heart. You can sit on a rock and let your feet swirl in the cool refreshing blue water. The friends of the Pond will embrace you and give you comfort. So please take my invitation to meet some of my friends by the Enchanted Pond...we are waiting for you.

    Hugs,

    Rooster5



  • Hi Rooster5,

    Which one is Enchanted Pond under? All my husbands family is buried about 250 miles from here, I ask him if he wanted to be buried where they are and he said no, he wanted to be next to me. He was cremated, and I will be too.

    No, I have not been able to dream of him, and I can't feel him at the cemetary, God knows how hard I try to see him or feel him, but for some reason it's just not happening, I feel it's because I just can't face the fact that he is really gone. I know that sounds really strange, after all this time, but that is how I still feel. He is not buried in the ground, his ashes are in the headstone. He does have a gravesite thou.

    In my bathroom in the master bath I have some fake "blackeyed susans" flowere hanging in a special hanger, he put them there because he knew they were my favorite flowers, and one day when I went into my closet, I found one of them lying on the closet floor and I kept wondering how it got there all the way from the bathroom, and It's always stuck in my mind that he put it there, and on another day I found a note laying on my closet shelf that said my name, and the words, "God made us lovers for a moment in time" and his name was signed on it. I don't ever remember seeing that before.

    I feel that he was here then, but since then nothing. MY trip to the cemetry set me back some, I haven't been able to get over that day yet, I couldn't stay long, I tried to talk to him, but I couldn't because I had started to cry pretty hard and didn't want anyone to see me. I go alone. I know that I have to have a deversion and try something pretty soon. Have to get on with life, would love to be in the enchanted pond. Sounds a lot like Heaven. Tell me which forum it is in and I will start visiting there.

    Thanks and God Bless

    10gemini06



  • Hi,

    I didn’t want to respond to your post because of my fear to open my wounds again from the death of my partner who died tragically November 5, 2006. 3 months before that my father passed away. I hadn’t dealt with my father, then BANG my partner…we have a daughter together, she is now 10 years old. She was 6 years old at the time of his death…I found my partner jut a few feet from my house in an abandoned house, before that I prayed to my dad that I needed help to find Jeff…I walk up our alleyway and something forced me to stop, I know it was my dad, I looked over the fence trembling and I seen my partner hunched over…I called my sister who lived up the street from me, and her and her boyfriend went in through the front of the house and yelled at me to call 911 it was my partner Jeff. He was snoring, but really he was unconscious, I didn’t know at the time but he was using heroin that it self through me into another place…They striped him of his clothing while giving him some kind of shot incase he was overdosing on drugs, but he didn’t wake up…He was in ICU hooked up to any monitor, you can imagine. Just a blanket blowing with hot air to warm his body up.

    OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HARD BUT I NEED TO HELP YOU SEE THAT YOU WILL BE OKAY GOING THROUGH THIS TERRIBLE LOSS YOUR FEELING, I NEED FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE LOSS YOU ARE FEELING IS A LOSS THAT NO ONE CAN DESCRIBE UNLESS YOU HAVE FELT IT THROUGH THE DEPTH OF YOUR SOUL….I FEEL YOUR PAIN AND LOSS AND MY HEART CRIES FOR YOU.

    MY PARTNER NEVER MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT BUT I KNOW HE HEARD ME SPEAK TO HIM…IT WAS A STUPID FIGHT WE HAD THE NIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT THE HOUSE OVER A DIRTY DISH WASHER, LONG STORY MY DEAR, BUT WHAT I’M GETTING AT WAS THE GUILT THAT I FOUGHT FOR THE 3 YEARS WOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE SHOULD HAVE, THOSE THOUGHTS FLEW AROUND ME LIKE A SWARM OF BEES..THEN THE ANGER OF HIM LEAVING HIS BEAUTIFULL DAUGHTER…

    I HAD A COMPLETE BREAK DOWN, I NEVER HAVE FELT A LOSS LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND BELIEVE ME I HAVE LOSS, A BROTHER AND SISTER WHO TOOK THEIR LIVES, BUT NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR BET FRIEND DIEING.

    JUST, KEEP THE FAITH THROUGH ALL OF THIS; I WAS SOOOOO ANGRY AT GOD, THAT I LOST MY FAITH ANOTHER GUILT I HAD TO FACE.

    FAT FORWARD TODAY, I WROTE A LOT OF LETTERS TO MY PARTNER, FIRST,TO FORGIVE ME, THEN SOMETHING I’M NOT PROUD OF BUT IT HAS TO BE SAID, THAT I WAS ANGRY AT HIM, THEN THE LAST ONE WAS, HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM, FOR WHO HE WAS, AND HOW MUCH JOY HE BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE. THESE LETTERS WERE SPACED OUT. EACH LETTER I READ OUT LOUD AND THEN I BURNT THEM, EACH TIME I FELT A LITTLE PEACE.

    I’M GOING TO FAST FORWARD NOW, I AM HAPPY AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME, NEVER DID I EVER,EVER SEE MYSELF IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP,BUT ITS BEEN OVER A YEAR NOW WITH MY NEW PARTNER, MY DAUGHTER IS DOING BETTER EACH DAY,BUT I HAD LEARNED ALSO THAT CHILDREN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY…

    MY LITTLE GIRL ASKED ME THE OTHER DAY IF I LOVED MY NEW PARTNER BETTER…BOOM, I FELT A TWINGE OF GUILT, THEN I TOLD HER THAT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER DADDY, AND I LOVE P IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

    I WILL NEVER FORGET MY PARTNER, AND I STILL HAVE DAYS WHERE I MISS HIM TERRIBLY….THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY…

    I’M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE, JUST TAKE BABY STEPS AND I PROMISE YOU, IT WILL BE OKAY.

    HUGS TO YOU

    SHEILA FROM VANCOUVER, CANADA

    SENDING YOU MANY ANGELS YOUR WAY…PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP.



  • Hi again 10gemini06,

    I just wanted to clarify about my new partner "comments", my peace came from within me, not my new partner....after lots of work on myself and finding peace again....

    i joined face book and started getting back in touch with my friendships that i let disintegrate over that time, and it was an old classmate that i graduated with over 30 years ago i met for coffee, nothing from our past had to do with boyfriend girlfriend stuff, we just hung around the same groups...I don't know how, or why it happened but we became apart of each others life, we talked allot about my partner who passed away and my daughter and sons....Then love came into the picture.

    I am in noway saying go out and find someone i hope that was not my impression. I wanted to just let you know you will be smiling one day, and I still cry on Jeff's birthdays, anniversaries, fathers day etc.

    hugs sheila



  • Dear 10gemini06,

    I am glad you want to come to the Enchanted Pond. To find us just type in " Enchanted Pond " in the search forum at the top of the page and press go. We will be waiting for you with open arms and hearts at the Enchanted Pond.

    Please try to relax at night when you go to sleep. This will enable your husband's spirit come to you in the dream. If you are all tensed up your husband's spirit can't come to you when you dream.

    But eventhough your husband has not made it in dreams I see that your husband has made himself know to you by leaving messages around the house. He is reaching out for you. He sees that you are in pain. Your beloved wants to comfort you by leaving messages.

    I do not think it is strange that you are having a tough time. For a long time it was you and your husband doing many things together. Now all of the sudden it is just you and that is tough. Do not worry about anyonelse because everyone handles the departure of a love one in their own time.

    You are doing great. Why do I say that? Because you can talk about your loving husband and the hurt you are going through at this time. I know you are taking care of the house,bills, and keeping yourself on the right track.

    No one can understand the difficulty of the pain and broken heart than another person that has walked in the same shoes down that lonely, long journey.

    So please go to the "Enchanted Pond" were there will be many friends from the Pond waiting to comfort your soul, take the saddness from your heart and help you travel down that unwanted journey.

    Hugs,

    Rooster5



  • Dearest Shats,

    It took a lot of nerve for you to open that door for me, and I am so grateful that you did, because now I see that you have made it thru Hell and are almost back. I am so sorry that you had to go thru what you have gone thru. I have seen so much pain on this site and yet so much healing and so many people wanting to help. Everyone of them have gone thru what I am, and some worse then what I have, and yet they seem to come up with the strength to heal themselves and try to help others heal.

    I like you, have such a guilt complex, but not for the same reason as you, but yours I feel was normal, so many things are said in anger that are not really meant. You knew and your partner knew that neither one of you meant any harm to each other. I am so sorry about the drugs. A horrible way to die. A horrible way to find out that your partner was doing drugs at all. And loosing your father, well, the only thing I can say is your a very, very strong person. Strength you didn't even know you had, and thank God it was there when you needed it. My guilt is that we didn't talk about it, I just never faced the fact that it was happening and I don't really think that I have faced the fact that it has happened. When I go to the cemetery, I look at the headstone with his ashes in it and I can't imagine that his body is in there in a little box. It just doesn't seem real to me. But then I cry, so I must know somewere inside that it is really true.

    I guess now, after reading all of the stories and hearing about all the pain, a person has to realize that this is a part of life that we can never escape. This is a sorrow that we can never explain and can never prepare for. For some reason it all happens to everyone else, but we just don't realize how fast it can happen to us and how finale it is. I think i"m beginning to realize that this is a sorrow that is spread over the entire world, it's not just mine. I think what makes it seem worse for me, is there is just no one to talk to or share anything with. I think that's what lead me to this site, I needed to talk about it, and I thank God I found people that want to listen, and tell me their stories to help me heal. When I cry, I cry alone, I am alone, I have 3 dogs that I spend my time with. We both had families, but not together, so there is really no one to share all this with. Well, no one until now. I know the half of me that is missing I will probably never get back now. I have to find a new nitch in life,in this world, and I am, believe it or not, strong. I figure that each day I get out of bed, is an accomplishment for me. At first I never wanted to get up again.I still sleep on his side of the bed so I don't have to see his side empty. I'll always do that now. But, I am getting better. I know I am, after reading your story, I know I can try to do better. It's like I said before, I have God on one shoulder and my husband on the other, or I couldn't have possibly made it this far. Thou I don't dream about him, I think someday I will, and I don't really feel him, someday maybe I will. I have to settle down and quit fighting the fact that he is gone. I never really had a chance to mourn. Things started coming at me so fast that I couldn;'t even think about what had happened. And some pretty bad stuff is going to happen, I can feel it coming, but now I can except it, I can't change anything that is in the future, I can just get up in the morning and face what ever it is that is going to happen and pray, pray for strength and peace.

    I am sorry this is so long, I just wanted you to know that I really do appreciate your kind words and the mental help you are giving to me. I will pray for you to continue your climb back up/

    Gods Blessings to you and your daughter, hugs to both of you. I will pray for you to be happy in you present relationship. You deserve it.

    10gemini06 Minnie



  • Hello Rooster5,

    I found the enchanted pond thru the search that you suggested, but I am confused about how to get in and write a post there. If you could explain it to me I will try again. I went in and read it and it sounds like a nice place to visit and talk. As I have only writte on the forum the same way, I'm not real familar with how other parts of it work.

    Blessings,

    10gemini06



  • Dear 10gemini06,

    I am so please you are trying to find the " Enchanted Pond". So go back to the " Search" and put in " Enchanted Pond", then press " Go". Scroll at the end of the thread, "Enchanted Pond" and search for the letters, "Reply" and in the block " Enter Comments" start to write to us.

    We are all waiting by the Pond with open hearts, minds, and arms. Please come by to sit on the rocks and share your story with us.

    Hugs,

    Rooster5


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