Can't let go



  • Dear Gemini and Devine and everyone on this thread,

    I'm sorry for the way your family reacted Devine to the passing of your husband. One's passing brings out the worst in people so many times. The selfish side. The "I want this" side. It's something I've never understood and my heart goes out to you during this time. Grief manifests itself in various ways. I'm not excusing their behavior, but to me, this is how your husband's mother will feel close to him. Through his ashes. WE know he's not there. WE know his ashes are not HIM. But to his mother, that IS him. It just came across quite selfish...and that unfortunately is the "underside" of when people pass. Your angels say not to hold a grudge about this...for they were grieving and are grieving as well. They just didn't show it in the right way. A respectful way.

    I never say myself someone "died". Because to me, that isn't the right word. When something dies, it has no life. When our own hearts stop beating, our life doesn't end. Our physical life ends as we know it...we shed our bodies and our minds...but move on in spirit form. That is what is meant by eternal life. When you see signs from above...they reinforce you here on Earth in knowing they are there.

    As light-en-dark said, there is no timetable here. I was not trying to push you in to letting go "right this second" and I hope you know that. You will know when it's the right time for you. And it's not all at once either. It's in the little things. Letting go of a coat, but keeping the ball cap instead. Reading a card with his handwriting on it...and smiling at the memory, not bursting into tears. It's definitely a process...and there is help out there if you need it.

    We miss our family members...for ourselves. We miss their presence. We miss their hugs. We miss their conversation. And if you notice, "we" are in every one of those statements. Myself. My family. That is who "we" are. If you could see your loved one, you would know that they are safe. Free of pain. They feel a tremendous sense of relief. Yes they miss you. Yes they love you now and always will. My Dad passed away 3 days after my son did...and the other day I actually talked to my Dad for the very first time (meaning I could hear him back) and I asked him what he wanted me to tell my mother...and out of all the things he could have said, he replied: "Tell her that I've loved her from the moment I saw her."

    And that encompasses how you feel in Heaven. They feel LOVE. Throughout their entire Spirit. They don't feel the pain of living on Earth, or take with them all of the burdens. Instead, they transform into being "angels" for you and your family.

    Your family who've crossed over hear every word you say to them. And though you can't hear them (right now) talk to you...they are talking to you. They are trying to give you signs they are with you. It's just noticing them...being open to receiving them...that is hard. All it takes is one sign and you KNOW.

    Devine, this goes for your children too. They are much more understanding of the spiritual world than adults are...because we have so many barriers we put up. Your children can get signs as well. Ask for them. They will know their Daddy is with them. And they will know this for the rest of their lives. Just as you will. Devine, ask for peace in your sleeping. Your angels will help you. Your husband does not want you to be sad. He wants you to know that he loves you. And always will. And he wants you to take care of your children and he will be right beside you...every step of the way. Talk to him. Ask for divine guidance if you are facing something you don't know how to handle. Then listen when you quiet your mind. Listen to that gut instinct or the little voice in the back of your head. For that...is Heaven...here on Earth.

    Angel blessings to each and every one of you...

    Beth



  • Dear Hopeternal, That's another feeling I am having a hard time with, tthe guilt. You didn't have the chance that we did. We didn't talk about it, I think he was to afraid of upsetting me and I didn't want to remind that he was dying. So I just sat there and watched him die for two months in a hospital bed. I wanted to bring him home, I wanted to do so many things for him but I couldn't so the guilt eats at me, because I just let him lay there and die. I have thought of looking for a group to sit in and talk this out, but I don't think there are any close enough and that's why I guess I'm here. It does help to talk about it, each and every one of you have gone thru so much also, maybe different circumstances, but the same feelings of pain, and guilt and hurting inside. You expressed the really one thing that hurts the most. The guilt, the want to move on but you don't think you have a right to.



  • Dear Juilanns77,

    I do the same thing, but I accidently erased his voice from the answer machine. I hate that I did that. I still hear his voice in my head, it seems his voice is the easiest thing for me to get. I hear the gentle tone of his voice, but there are no words with it. It's hard to explain that part, I wait for the day he really talks to me. It's trying to picture his face that I can't seem to do, maybe it is because I am still to filled with grief and guilt that it just won't happen yet. You are right about Gemini's, that is the only part that people see of me now, it's like the other part is in a place that I can't even fine. It's a black void to me, and I am waiting for the sun to sign on it and brighten it up again. My mind just doesn't want to except the fact that half of me is empty now.I still talk to my "soul mate", also. I think he hears me, but seems I just can't hear his answer.

    God bless and help both of us all that have to go thru this kind of grief, It just hurt so bad.



  • Sylvannah,

    I know, and thank-you. I have been trying to do as you say, and I know that I will probably never let him go completely, but for his sake, he has to go. My grieving is far from over, there are a lot of things that enter into grieving, but I had began to think that I was the different one, I looked at other people that went thru this and wonder, how did they get thru it so fast, so easily. I now know that the love was probably there for them and their loved one, but the soul mate part is a different thing entirely. I went into my closet a couple of months ago and there was a little yellow peice of paper laying there that said, (My name that he called me,) and then written in his hand writing was the words "God blessed us lovers for a moment in time." Then he had signed it. I still don't know where it came from, I thought it might have fallen out of one of my keepsake boxes, but I don't remember seeing it before.Was it something new, I pray that it was but at the same time I must have cried a thousand tears because I was afraid it wasn't. There have been other things that have happened. Is it possible that he is here? I don't know, but I do know that letting go is harder when you think he is possably here.

    God Bless



  • DevineEvanscence,

    I wished I knew you, because in my grief, I feel yours is so much more. I am so, so sorry that you are so young and have so much to deal with. I have a stepson that has made my life miserable since this all happened, he just seemed to zoom right thru this and all the promises he made his father to help me were for nothing, so I kind of know how it is to have to grieve and fight too. You must be strong as I have been told to be, and like you, the one part of you is, but the other part is gone and it will take so much time to get enough strength to start over. I will pray for you and your children, because without God, none of us will make it thru this. If you can, try to just think of you and your children and let God handle the other people that are having a hard time. I found out that we can only hand so much of our own grief without breaking down and you have your children to think of and their grief, your mother-in-law has someone to talk to. You don't, that's a hard part also, trying to handle life and make all the important decisions alone, I have had to make decisions that I never even thought I would be capable of making, and I'm sure you have to. But, I liken us to unpires at a ball game, the decision has to be made, make it, and once you do, you have to stick with it. Can't turn back.

    God Bless you and your children. I don't think there is much I can say to you that can help at this point, but if there is, I will be here, and from what I read on here, there are a lot of people that will gladly help with words of very fine wisdon. In our grief, we need comfort, and you will find it here.



  • Angelreader,

    Thank-you again and Amen to all you have said. I know everyone has to mourn to their own time. That's the one thing my stepson said to me, it's been over two year now, get over it. His other words were, I miss my father and I know you miss him too but it's time to start giveing me what I want out of the house. But, as I told him, I will do what I have to do, leave me alone. If I mourn for 20 years then so be it. Need-less-to-say, we don't speak at all anymore. But, I do understand what you are saying, and I feel so much better after reading and writing on this forum.

    God Bless and Thank-you



  • Thunder,

    You are so right. When half of you is gone, you still hang on to the hope that it's there. And I know he always will be. He was my soul mate, and I was his.

    Take care and God Bless



  • Dear 10gemini06,

    Please be assured these feeling will pass with time, and I remember someone else said on here, that all the healing for yourself will happen at the right time for you,...

    I also went through a phase of feeling anger at him for leaving us like he did, sometimes at night when I was alone I used to scream and rant at him, then of course afterwards came the guilt of that and lots of other stuff,....but, in time I realised it was just the grieving process I was going through, and we all have our own way of dealing with it, there is no wrong way for anyone, you will move on in your own time my friend....just start by being kind to yourself and KNOW you have NOTHING to be guilty of....

    much love and healing to you

    Denise

    ♥



  • Hopeternal,

    The strange thing about all of this too, is I also have heard about the anger that comes, but I don't fee that I have ever been angry at him. Maybe it's because I know he didn't want to go, but I never got mad at him for leaving. I have the guilt and maybe I shouldn't, but it is there anyway, and I know that I will deal with it, I have no choice, but not the anger. I screamed and cried to God, for taking him. Which I know now is normal, wrong, but normal. But not at him for leaving.

    Minnie, God Bless



  • Dear Minnie,

    I can really see why you are feeling like you do, you had the most wonderful relationship, the closeness you two had is second to none.

    It can be strange how we all can act in times of grief though, the reason I got angry with him was he was diagnosed with Diabetes about 5 yr before he passed, the thing is he never really took good care of himself, I tried so hard to make sure he would eat properly to control his sugar levels...but I used to catch him eating all sorts of stuff, you know things like biscuits, when I said anything to him he would just say "I am aloud to eat digestives", the dietitian said it's ok, and I said I know..but not the WHOLE packet!!!...thats just one little battle we had about food, I know it must have been hard for him because I know what it's like having to go without foods that you love, I had always had a weight problem so I understood, but in his case it was crucial he ate well...but sadly, it wasn't long before he was to go onto insulin as he didn't manage to control Diabetes with diet, and he had to have high dose to try and control it....so now he was saying after eating wrong stuff..."I can eat such and such, cos the insulin will control it"....Grrrr...lol but of course he then ended up in a lot of pain with Diabetic Neuropothy, the sugar was attacking the nerves in his legs, so after months and months of not hardly moving he got a large blood clot that travelled to his lung and killed him very suddenly....

    Oh dear, I didn't mean to ramble that much but I felt I just need to say why I was so angry at him for leaving us, I don't want people on here thinking I'm a mental ranting raving woman screaming at her late husband....

    I just went through all that at the time because I was angry at him as I felt he would still be here if he had took bit more care of himself....but, as the years have past and I have learn't a lot of things spiritual I know he did in his life what he had to do.....it's been many many years since I had the anger.....I am at peace with it all now....and I just have my lovely memories of us both...

    much love and healing to you Minnie.

    Denise

    ♥



  • Denise,

    I don't think anyone will think any less of you, from what I hear, anger is just part of the natural process, and as many have said before me, everyone has to handle it in their own way and their own time. My husband also had diabetes, but it wasn't what killed him. Really had nothing to do with the cancer. I guess my problem is for almost two of these years, I have not had to face it, now it seems like it's closing in on me. I've been in a fog like state and just kept telling myself he was still coming home. I stood in the window and waited for him to walk down the driveway from the pole barn a lot of days. But it never happened, it's really beginning to hit me, last summer when we had good days, I went right thru them, this year, like today, it is a beautiful day and I loaded my dogs in the car and went for a long ride, by myself, and half way back, I thought to myself, how sick I am of being alone, where is he? Then I started crying be-cause him and I would always go for rides on the week-end and look around, I know I will get thru this, as you did, and a lot of women on here have, I really just feel so alone now. I have never been so alone in my life.

    You didn't ramble on, you said how you felt trying to help me and I really do appreciate it. I ramble on most of the time. So many little stories and so many memories. But then, I still have the stories and memories.

    Thank you and God bless you Denise,

    Minnie



  • The pain and raw emotion is just rolling off of you in waves. I've been there and it's a seriously rotten place to be. Don't give up. Just take one day at a time. Baby step by baby step.

    It's all right for you to feel this way. Just don't give up. You may not be ok today but someday you will be. If I can find my way through all that darkness then believe me anyone can.



  • Thank-you MasterfulGaze,

    I know what everyone says is true, I guess it just seems that so much is happening right now and I have to make all the decisions, I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong and there is no one to ask. I'm afraid, and alone. I know God is with me, and my husband is still with me, but it just seems that if I fall, I fall alone. There is literally no one there to pick me up and help me. If I don't sell my house pretty soon, I will loose it, and there is no where to go. If I keep hanging on, I'm just banging my head against a brick wall. I need my husband to tell me what to do. I need him to help me to not be afraid of the future now and he's here in spirit and he can't help. I just miss him so very much. I don't even think I've had time to grieve, my stepson was after me to give him things just two weeks after his father passed. God, people are so cruel and greedy.

    Thank-You Masterfulgaze, sound like you've had your share of heartbreak too. God Bless you.



  • He is there and always will be. He is just expressing you love and giving you comfort. Letting go is actually easier once you realize you are actually not letting him go. You are sharing him w/ everyone else. You can say you are letting him go and tou'll never see him again but that is not true. He will always be with you. Just think of it as the other way around. Would you want to see him depressed and miserable all the time? No. You would want him to be free and move on.He will always be with you so you can "let him go" emotionally . Everybody will be happier. Even him so this is the last, most important thing you can do for him.Don't close up your heart. Just like I have told other people for different reasons, I'll tell you the same thing. Get a dog. Get a male dog and name it after him. (but I personally would get a larger dog) You can do it. I know you can and we will all be here for you if you just need someone to talk to.When you start to feel sad, just take a couple of deep breathes and think about a funny thing you did or was said. Laghter will arise and you will feel him sharing the good memory with you. Let me know if you need anything.



  • Hi Sylvannah,

    I have 3 dogs, two were ours and one I had to take when my mother in law passed away. My husband named the big dog, she is 142 lbs., and I named the little one, 22 lbs. I couldn't have made it this far without them. For the first year, they were with me 24/7, and they all sleep with me at night. I sleep on my husbands side of the bed because I can't bear to look over at his side being empty.Some days seem like I can really do this, and some days I can't. But, I guess I know everything is normal, I do remember things, good things, but they only make tears come to my eyes. It will get better, it has to.

    Thank-you Sylvannah, I know I am far from done, God Bless you for being there..



  • Anytime, you need me I am here. It will get better. You should be happy when you think of him instead of sad. All your memories are yours and nobody and nothing can ever change that. They are something special, only you and him have. What kind of dog is your big one? My dogs are my life and they have helped me more than they know. I like bigger dogs better. They seem friendlier. I have 5 Huskies. Anytime I am sad, my one dog comes up to me and constantly licks me and won't go away. They have given me mostly nothing but love. (a little aggrivation lol) but lots of love.Watch how your dogs act with everyday and mood that goes by. They are real sensative to your feelings. Talk to them. They listen and sometimes answer. They are the ones that can truly help you.



  • i AGREE WITH YOU 100%. they know every move I going to make and every mood I'm in. The big one is half st. Bernard and half Great Dane. She is the most protective and sensitive. Yes, I agree, they help so much, even though they don't know it. In bed at night they all cuddle around me as if to protect me from being lonely.

    I know I should be happy instead of sad, but I think I'm just really starting to grieve the most, I didn't have a period when I was allowed to, Everyone wanted everything and it seemed I had to fight for the first two years. Now, I've just said no, and it seems it is setting in. I know I will be alright. I talk to my dogs all day and they do listen and the big one talks back.

    Thank-You, I'll be back on a hundred times I'm sure. Sometimes I think i would like to go see a physic, but there are none in my area that I know of, and I don't know how to pick out a good one.



  • Dear 10gemini,

    Who you need around you are good solid "advisors" that you can trust. Someone here on Earth who can give you financial advice or information on the house, etc. Do you know that angels can incarnate and actually come down to Earth and help you through tough decisions and times? It's true. You may never know you've met an angel until they have gone...but I would ask your angels and my go-to-archangel Michael to mull this over on your behalf and send you earthly help in regards to advisors, teachers, helping point you to those with sound advice. I would also ask for Universal assistance in helping you with the decisions you face.

    Maybe you could sit with some paper amidst your loving dogs who provide you with unconditional love and support and make a laundry list of the issues that are top of the list. Not all of them...just those pressing ones that keep being forefront in your mind. Then offer to the Divine for resolution. Nutty as this might sound, your angels truly will help.

    As for your stepson wanting items, that's unfortunately what happens with shallow-minded, fear-based people. I think every family has at least one person with this side to them. I'm not defending his actions in the least...or his behaviors...but these "things" are the replacement for his Dad. And that is how he grieves...with his material items around him. We know he's not those items. But it's an explanation at least of the motivation...not of the insensitivity.

    There is no clock that monitors happiness or sadness. It is what it is at the time it's happening. Just let it happen. You are healing every day that passes...and your angels can lend you much strength and courage when you need it most. I talk to my angels all the time like they are my best friends. Because...well they are...outside of my husband. And you can talk to both your husband and your angels...all the time. Not that you get a vocal answer right then...but you will receive answers. How remains to be seen. Many people have that gut feeling inside of them that is true. It is their barometer. In actuality, it is how they receive Divine Guidance.

    You are in touch with your feelings...that is evident. And I think right now they are full of grief and hard to escape from...but in clearing your mind and having silence in your life...real silence...you can think and let Divine guidance in.

    Angel blessings to you,

    Beth



  • LOL I wanted a great dane but I ended up w/all these other ones. But, now I am taking care of all these other ones but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have alot of dogs and each one has their own individual personality. Each one is special in their own way. I never grieved for anybody dying. I just never did so I hope it all doesn't hit me at once lol Sometimes it's best to keep busy to get over something but you got to stay busy cause once you stop, you think and thinking hurts sometime. Some psychichs (well most) will just tell you what you want to hear. You get better advice on here sometimes.I just medicated myself so I'll have to talk to you tomorrow but you sound better already. See, when you talk about your dogs, you only think of them and it brings a smile to your face. Just keep loving your dogs cause they will always love you and just keep this in the back of your mind, they depend on you.



  • Dear Angelreader,

    I believe that Angels can come down to earth to help, I know that I have been getting a lot of help from them already. I couldn't have made it thru to this point if I wasn't getting some good, strong help. I think just stepping back once in awhile and looking around is a way to know your getting help. As far as a financial advisor, my stepson made sure that I wouldn't need one of those. He is intent on making my life as hard as he possibly can. But he is fighting my angels and I think mine are stronger then his ever will be. He has a head for material things and no heart for love. I am not really bitter against him now, just insist that he leave me alone. He played his father like a fine tuned fiddle for a lot of years until he got control, but he never got control of me, and that's why he dislikes me so much. But, that's neither here nor there now. I will have to go on without my husband, and I'm looking for a way to do that, and I will. All the advice I've gotten on here from so many willing to share their experience's and love will help guide me and I thank all of you so very, very, much. Maybe one day I will go to his gravesite and not cry. I doubt that now, but I pray for it to happen.

    Love and Blessings, Minnie


Log in to reply