Enlightenment on the direction of my marriage
I could really use some insight and direction of my marriage with a reading. We have been married almost 11 years (will be 11 on 5/20/10). I am 4/5/75 and my dear husband is 9/23/70. I love this man so dearly and see him and feel him pulling away so hard over the last couple of years most distincly since 4/09. Please help.
The test of this relationship is whether you two can empathise with each other. There is certainly no guarantee that you can, although your relationship can help make this happen. Since neither of you is particularly concerned with the inner workings of either the relationship or yourselves, in a way you are perfect for each other. Together you can try to understand the issues of your connection. Not the least of these is the fact that this relationship wants to present itself to the outside world in the most refined light possible. Tinkering with its inner workings will be necessary to accomplish this aim. Almost inadvertantly, this process will result in a deepening bond, and in a deeper understanding between you.
Still, your relationship will initially probably have been based on the superficial. Drawn to attractive people, your husband can find much to admire in your appearance, and will find it gratifying that so many people pay court to you. He can be extremely trendy, and will pride himself on having such a popular partner as a companion or lover. You for your part may be gratified to have been chosen by such a discriminating and graceful individual. If empathic feelings and the desire to look deeper do not emerge eventually however, marriage or a long standing relationship is probably not a good idea. Attractiveness and popularity fade, and so may your husband's desire for a no-longer-as-stunning partner. Unless you have a special interest in aesthetic matters, meanwhile, you may easily tire of your husband's interest in art objects, bric-a-brac, interior designing or decoration etc. You may find his demands for a level of sophistication or chic just too snobbish. Your liking to be at the centre of every project or situation may run counter to your husband's taste and can make joint efforts difficult.
ADVICE: Your husband needs to realise that beauty fades, character doesn't. He must work on adopting less superficial values and not be so swept away by glitz and glamour. He has an inner need to feel superior which might clash with your need to be at the centre of things. He also has a need to put up a false front and not give away what he is really feeling or is like for fear of being judged inadequate. You both need to try and understand each other's feelings better and to deepen your bond. Passion4living, try and overcome early conditioning and find new ways of recreating your marriage and attitude - traditional methods might not be the answer here or perhaps a return to tradition is called for if you have drifted away from it.
Captain, thank you. It's not that I have done things wrong in our relationship over the years, but just not right. I have finally reclaimed myself. The strong beautiful woman that he fell in love with, granted the fire-cracker in me has diminished some due the plethera of home and family responsibilities, not to mention health issues (most recently EP heart surgery on St. Patty's Day). As I continue to strength and better myself in all aspects of my life, I unfortunately do see where he has not grown over the years. This however does in not make me love him any less. I know right now he is lost. He's even admitted that he feels he has lost himself. Maybe it's because I really do, do so much. All that I do if for him, our daughter and us as a family.
I do hope that our marriage was not founded on something superficial. He has told me that he loves me, but is no longer romantically in-love with me. I don't understand this concept since I believe and do love unconditionally. The teter-toter of his closeness and affection towards me and our daughter, then the distance and negativety is very tiresome, but I haven't given up on him or us yet.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that he is one to not reveal his feelings. This has hampered our communication from the start. I contiue to build bridge after bridge of communication, sometimes I get litte bits from him, but usually he just clams up or goes to his long time female friend to talk with via the net. This stings since he should be talking to me about what he thinks and feels. Plus everytime after he talks with her he seems angry and gets in a very negative state of mind, body language, and verbalness. He is honestly so hard on himself and continues cycles of self-undermining acts, but I or the daughter get blamed for it. I hurt so much to see him doing this to himself. I hope and pray for his inner healing daily. I try an do more in some areas and less in others, to reinforce his adequicy as a man, a husband, and a father, but he will always find away to bring that negatvie and chaos into it.
Any advice and quidence would be greatly appreaciate.....Thank you
Make sure you do not blame yourself for your husband's weaknesses of character,P4L. It's not your fault if he has superficial values. All you can do is make sure your daughter doesn't acquire them.
I feel that life has some very hard lessons in store for your hubby to teach him what really matters in his life.
He talks to his 'female friend' via the internet and becomes angry afterward? I am sorry to say, that is some bad MoJo sister.
The only person that can make him right is himself. Not you or anyone else.
Here is my advice for what it's worth.
From here on out, you and your daughter are number 1. Make sure your self sufficient, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. He sounds very angry, and lost and he blames his family for this loss. He's looking for something he lost in this female friend. What he finds is only temporary which is why he gets irritated. I hope it's not to late when he figures out that the relief he finds with this female friend will only ever be temporary.
I hope I am not overstepping my bounds on the forums. I know I'm new but I've always had a very strong set of spidy skills about me and this isn't my first time in online forums helping others in one way or another.
Now if I could just advise myself, I'd be peachy keennnnnnnn. ha ha!
You are by no means overstepping your bounds at all. If others do see, can receive some help this way, it's fine by me.
I agree about my daughter and me being first. Doing this the best I can. Yes he is very lost, and I will continue to pray for his inner healing and wake up call to what he really does have in it.
I agree completely on this "Bad Mojo" for this/his friend. I have ben getting that about her for almost 2 years. I feel she has some personal outcome desired here, that I don't ever believe will become a reality. Unfortunately, they have been relying on each other for negative vent session and firings over the years, its just gonna have to be in the hands of Karmic fate. I am now finally able to pray for her as well. It's wonderful to not let another person's thoughts feelings or what not effect me personally anymore...espcially her. Woohoo, that was my Birthday present to myself, "putting her out of my life and her effects on me."
I agreee that I hope the hubby realizes what's in his life before its to late. I do undersstand that he is still going through a selfish phase, but there are more little rays of giving of himself to us, and he is working really hard at controling his temper. We will just have to see how it plays out. I truly am a strong and patient woman, and so is our daughter, thank God.
Thank you for your responses so far, and I do hope we can continue to communicate. Any guidance and insight is always openly appreciated and received.
It was AliceQ that added her advice in the last post though, P4L and she makes a lot of good sense.
Sorry for the mix-up Captain and Alice. Again thank you for the advice and postings. I do hope they continue.