I thought it might be helpful if we list some relationship traps and myths that we have learnt for the sake of other people who might be having difficulties with their love life. Feel free to add to the list -
Myth: Being on your own is a fate worse than death/it's better to have a bad partner than none at all. (Solitude is sometimes the only way you can really get to know yourself and what you want. Other people around you all the time just make it harder for you to think straight.)
Myth: Bad boys or girls make good exciting partners/he or she will change for me (no, their abusive or addictive behaviour may just get worse. The only person you can ever change is yourself. People who expect that their mate will change in the direction that they personally want after marriage are going to be very disappointed. This is a relationship-killing expectation.)
Myth: Your partner loves you so he/she should instinctively know what you want and need (the 'mind-reading' myth - tell them out loud and in a clear definite way what you need to be happy.)
Myth: Romantic love and passion is the key to a long and happy relationship (romance and passion eventually give way to something more real, honest, reliable, and much more companionable. Being in love is not like falling in love.)
Myth: He/she is/I am jealous and possessive so it must be love (so wrong - this is ego based and about ownership and low self-esteem, not love)
Myth: A great relationship means you think alike and agree on everything. (Boring! a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate and respect your differences.)
Myth: I need someone else to make me happy/my partner will keep me from being lonely.(You can be your own best friend. Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. And, if you are truly lonely, another body next to you will not necessarily help. You must establish a good solid relationship with yourself. )
Myth: I've never felt so strongly connected to anyone so it must be love. (Wrong, there are many things it could be, all strong emotions - lust, need, possession, greed, fear of loneliness, etc.)
Myth: Love will keep us together. (That's just a song. Relationships are hard work, even with your soulmate. Love alone isn't enough to hold you together. You need to be able to communicate, understand each other, and solve problems together.
Myth: If I give my parther whatever they want - sex or a baby or control - he/she will commit and stay with me. (Nope, someone who doesn't want to stay will leave no matter what you do or sacrifice. And they won't necessarily leave their family or lover either - why would they when you're giving them everything they want already?)
Myth: Cheaters do it for the physical satisfaction alone (surveys have found most people say they cheat because they are not getting enough EMOTIONAL satisfaction at home.)
Hi Captain! Very good one this article! i like it a lot and it is really full with things we might believe/think and we are so wrong in that. Thanks for sharing it!
Your points regarding relationships are all valid. As in marriage how do you feel about the vows to God?
Myth: Being in a relationship withsome one, there is that feeling of he/she completes me. (Each person in a relationship brings both their strengths and weaknesses. The truth behind the idea of being completed is to grow in yourself. Your weaknesses eventually become your strengths and your strenghts remain so, even tweeked if necessary as you evolve. It is true your partner can complete you in time; eventually your weakness do become your strenghts. Most importantly remember each of you will develop and evolve at your own individual pace. Don't let their weakness get to you, but allow your partners weaknesses assist you in developing and evolving along those areas of your life as well.) Hence, you truely are becoming a completed person, because of the interactions with this partner.
Passion4living, isn't that contradictory? You complete yourself, whether in a relationship at the time or not.
It may appear to be contradictory, but unfortunately so many depend on relationships to work either while in or after a break up, to work on completing themselves. Its just a long oberved action and reaction. If im wrong, im wrong.
Hi, yeah it's very good thread, I agree with passion4living, both persons can learn and evolve together but at a different pace. That is also what love means understanding, patience, compassion, acceptance, trust, communication... but nobody is perfect so we learn, change and evolve...
thanks the captain and passion4living
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Ah, I think the difference here is in the definition of 'completeness'. I take completeness to mean 'making you feel whole or fulfilled' whereas I think Passion4living meant it as to 'learn the lessons you need to learn and grow'. In that context, I do agree that other people help you to complete your evolution. But in the other context, you don't need anyone else to make you feel fulfilled as a person.
Captain: i wonder whether i could ask you to do a compatibility reading for me... im asking here cause i dont wanna start a whole new thread for that. or should i? and would you have time to do me one? im seeing all around that a lot of people are asking you. so please just let me know whether you could do me one.
me 9th of Feb 1982 (szekszard, which is in Hungary)
him 7th of July 1976 (Athens, Greece)
if you have no time, it is ok, but more people i know from the thread talked so good about you, so i thought i give it a try.
I wish I could add to the list but my brain is saying there is a certain completeness to the list already. I agree with all.
The only thing I would add is "if I keep silent and go with the flow...everything will be alright." I was guilty of that one. It goes with the communication needed in a relationship. If you can't express your needs or fears with the person you are with....then maybe that isn't the person you should be with. Fear kept me silent for too long. Lack of self-esteem allowed me to tolerate more than I should have. HOWEVER, loving myself is always the best. It allows me to communicate my needs and keeps me from sitting back and waiting for someone else to make me happy. I'm responsible for that and no one else.
AuntBuck: i have done the exact same thing in my previous relationship. until i got really really over the edge. i always kept silent and swallowed.
I agree that others help you to grow in ways you cannot grow and evolve by yourself. I was so hurt in a past relationship that I was determined to work on myself without being in a relationship until I felt I had really grown...but 19 years passed and I realized that sometimes you need to be in an intimate relationship to see the parts of yourself that need work..sometimes someone coming into your life holds up a mirror to you and you see things you had a hard time seeing before...
This isn't about "needing someone" to feel fullfilled, but by avoiding relationships I was also avoiding growth.
I was feeling peaceful by myself until someone came along and pushed the buttons I didn't remember I had. Then I was forced to look at my reaction and reflect "HMMM what does that say about me?"
It is easier to feel peaceful with the world when you are in a peaceful meadow with no visions of conflict...it's more challenging to feel the peace while in the midst of a warzone...same concept
I found that by avoiding relationships, I was closing myself off to love. There was a thread on this recently...I believe started by our very dear Captain...I didn't realize that while I thought I was protecting myself, I also also blocking myself to good and love. It was a very amazing moment for me to realize this was what I was doing. I just wanted to work on myself and be a better person and WOW....I did that and found extreme happiness by opening up and allowing love in.
Yes Katie1982, if you start your own thread, I will answer you there.
ok Captain! thank you very much! im gonna start it now then.
Hello captain! I´ve asked for your help aswell, can you please help me too? I have started a new thread in the phsycic-thread and I woud love a reply since everyone here thinks youre the best
Your understanding of what I ment by "completeness" was accurate Captain. We don't need others, but they also can be an integrate part of the process.
Can't remember the name (sorry), but swallowing your true self down and what not been there done that, maybe in some ways still doing it a bit. I don't really swallow it or avoid it the hurts or what not, I just reserve some time for myself to digest it before I can react better and not hot-headed, or my immediate emotional reaction creates a possible further nuclear bomb sized fall-out. Eventually I do address stuff just in my own way and my own time. Im sure I can use tons of additional improvement or advice here.
Passion...it was me that mentioned the swallowing it down and refusing to believe that I was important enough to have a voice. I was taught as a child that children were to be seen and not heard. As I tried to express my feelings, I was told that I was talking nonsense. I honestly thought for a while my childhood was a figment of my imagination since I was told so many times that what I thought was wrong. It was very much a life lesson for me in learning to stuff my feelings into a box and only dwell on them when I was by myself. However, as I grew up and married the man I used to stuff my feelings with the most, I found that as time went on there was part of me screaming to get out and share what I thought were injustices to me. He too used to tell me my feelings were wrong or I was off base and didn't know what I was talking about. So I used to stuff it until I couldn't handle it anymore and then I would drink....and after I drank enough....it would come flying out with all the BLECH you could imagine. Thinking about this, I used this tactic as a teenager too so it was definitely already a pattern by the time I reached adulthood and relationship time.
I found thru AA that in order to not drink, I had to get that stuff out. It was a very difficult lesson from me since I had to get past the whole seen and not heard thing. Your opinions are not relevant and you don't know what you are talking about. So, as I have grown, and found that in order to not drink I have to get that stuff out...I take the time to process what I'm feeling and try to come from a place of peace and not resentment to voice my feelings. My last relationship, I did do much better but I also picked someone who wouldn't communicate with me so as I tried to communicate and didn't get it back...I stuffed again to some extent. Not completely...I did grow enough to get it out but after I got it out, if I didn't get the same level of communication, I glossed over what was bothering me. I accepted it and moved on. Not necessarily good but definitely a step in the right direction.
All of this has been a learning lesson for me. As I grow as a person, I realize that my feelings, thoughts, ideas are important. I am important. I know I still have to work on this but I know that I'm so much further in this than I ever was. I know that the next relationship I get into I will be able to express myself even more positively and that person will be the one to listen to me. They may not agree with me....but they won't cut me or my feelings down.
Wow, in our own ways we have walked a similar path. I too am where I can express my feelings better, not great at it totally yet, but that is the venerability from be shut down so much over the years. So, Im not afraid to admit that I am going to counceling to use this as a healthy outlet and inturn learn better ways to communicate my thoughts and feelings within the home and to those I love. I do communicate just not like a bear anymore, ha-ha. I drink occationally as well but refuse to do it to swallow down my feelings, only for enjoyment and controled. Its finding the balance within ourselves in all things that we do that is the toughy, but inturn to be able to enjoy ourselves and our lives in a happy moderation, if you catch my drift :).
My greatest hurdle right now is working with my pre-teen daughter and helping her break those bad habbits that just want to thrust me back to being a bear out of control. Why is it that those we love most know how to go right after those buttons and push them right away, whee?