Emotionally Numb...Please help with a reading...Captain?
Hello to whomever is kind enough to read this and possibly help me. I'm basically new to the blogs and I am in serious need of a reading regarding my situation with, dare I say, a cancer man who I've been seeing for nearly 7 months. It feels like the movie groundhogs day in that the same thing keeps happening over and over. He loves me, he misses me, he comes over, spends the night, then leaves with a promise to call me or see me later and he literally cuts off contact for days, weeks, even up to a month until I write via text, or send a heartfelt letter in the mail. Then he apologizes, says he does love and miss me and doesn't know why he does this. For the past three months this has happened in the same way each time. I have read most of the topics on cancer men and that has been quite helpful. However, this time feels different for me because while I am still hurt, sad, and confused...I feel more numb or neutral and I can't put my finger on it.
It crossed my mind today that perhaps there is some curse or some karma I have that causes this to happen every time he walks out my door. I have cried and apologized to God and the Universe for whatever I have done and whomever I have hurt in the past that would bring this upon my life. I profoundly love this man and feel connected to him in a way I've never experienced, and he has told me the same towards me. I am simply at a loss for understanding.
I am a Leo woman 8/18/61, with a scorpio moon and gemini rising. He is a cancer, 7/20/71. Our age difference has never been an issue between us...at least as far as I know.
Please, I need guidance and direction. I am scared by the numbness I am feeling inside.
Thank you so much to anyone who would kindly help me. Should I reach out specifically to The Captain everyone writes so highly of?
Kcee, he treats you as his booty call because you let him. You feel numb because you know you are just being used for sex but do nothing to change it. It's not God's punishment - you are just so desperate for love you are willing to put up with this appalling treatment. Being alone would be far beter than treated like a doormat. Once you decide you are worth more than this, you will kick this user to the curb and find a real genuine caring man.
I feel he has other women just like you on the go. Cancers often have a secret family tucked away, too, and will never leave them permanently. Stop falling for his false promises and take a good long look at how he treats you - this is not love, not even close. Find someone who will not use and abuse you. Examine your idea of what love is and you might find you have a totally skewed idea of what it should be. At the moment you seem to believe that the best you can do is to be used and discarded, then picked up and thrown away again.
You are a valuable loving human being, not a piece of garbage. Stand up for your rights and respect yourself.
Thank you for your honesty...brutal though it was. My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach when I read your reply. And even in knowing that this is more than likely the truth, my mind doesn't quite want to wrap entirely around it. After all I've read about cancer men and their disappearing acts on this blog, I think I was hoping that your response would be that he is scared (which is what he has said). I guess I don't want to believe that a man who one week ago said I was the most important thing in his life and that he loved me is simply using me.
You are certainly right that I have allowed myself to be treated like a doormat. And each time I believed things would be different. I just don't understand how a person could treat another person's heart and mind so cavalierly and cruelly, which is what made me wonder if it was my own karma at play here. This is really devastating. I feel embarrassed and stupid. But truth...honesty is all I want and need.
One last question if you wouldn't mind. I have some books and a dvd and three small gifts he's given me (one a lovely little purse that belonged to his grandmother). I've had them boxed up since the last time he did this...in anticipation of mailing them back to him along with a note he had written to me once.
In other words, everything I have in my possession that has anything to do with him I was prepared to send back. A friend told me a while ago not to send them unless I was truly ready to say goodbye. In sending these things to him I am hoping the message is that I don't want anything of his, gift or otherwise. Your opinion one way or another?
Thank you kindly.
I think it's a good idea and very symbolic to send all his gifts that he thought he bought you with back.
Don't blame this fool's behaviour on yourself - he is the scoundrel here, not you. And don't let one person's behaviour sour you towards humanity in general. There are decent men out there - you just have to believe you deserve them.