im struggling to be honest. dont know if i can do it anymore with him. my heart is shutting down. after he came around on wednesday and i had rung him back that same night i didnt hear anything for a while. then on friday late afternoon i received a text from him, saying this-
" hello beautiful
, happy easter.been thinking of u lots an hoping we can work it all out.i really do love you so much an want us to both be so happy."
i took me a little while to respond , i was thinking what to reply with, and struggling to feel like i used to feel. it was a lovely message but i need him to show it.then my phone rang and i had a quick chat with a friend, so since the text about fiftenn minutes had passed. then another call was trying to come through. my instinct said it was him, but i didnt hang up my other conversation until another two mins i think . then i sent him a msg back. i was starting to feel anxious inside cos the last phone convo e had on the wednesday at the end he said "i do love you" and i couldnt say it back so i just said " maybe one day i will know it". so my text back to his text was "me too. happy easter ". then he sent another one saying "I've had to work last two days in town 7 til 7, an again 2moro, but mite hav sun mon off an would like 2 c u an do something if ur keen" i had mixed feeling when i got this . on one hand i was happy that he was asking me that, and usually i would have replied straight away to a text like this saying yes etc all excited.. and often things wouldnt turn out. i re read it a few times. wanted to be really careful this time. which also annoyed me cos it wasnt feeling spontaneous any more, more calculated. anyway he said "mite" ..there was no commitment yet. he has let me down so many times before saying mite.. i was annoyed a little that he wasnt asking me if i was free that he was assuming i would be. anyway ..covering my wounded heart i guess.. i wrote back after half an hour. said" yes keen. let me know when you know. what do you suggest doing?" then i heard nothing. no reply. F>UUUUCK! I thought well i dont want to be kept waitng for him to let me know on monday afternoon that he wants to see me. i had already made tentative plans with a girlfriend who said she was coming down over those two days staying near me and wanted to catch up and go surfing. i did consider telling him that but then he prob wouldve bailed. o i dont know. anyway now i feel like c.rap again. why couldnt he just say " ok" . not replying just leaves me wondering. and anxious, i feel its rude. also on the wed nite he said " i dont want to talk about ths until we see somebody" now he wants to see me? but doesnt?? he stil hasnt responded . its now sunday morning 7am. feels like a big game again.keep me strung along.why though? why would he even suggest counseling? did he really mean it? i think he would know by now if he had today and tomorrow off from work. i am surprised he is even working over easter anyway. struggling with trust again..i truly thought my text to him was ok. not brilliant but ok. like i said i am not feeling all open after everything that has happened and i want him to treat me better. and SHOW me that he loves me. feel almost ready to give up.
flow i know you are busy cooking, but would you mind giving me your opinion please? i really feel like i am ready to forget ever having a relationship with another man for the rest of my life . the stress of all this is almost too much. all over a text message?? feel like i dont have a clue. ha!!! 38 and no f.ucking idea. you see now im putting myself down. its all so exhausting. not only that i have been stuffed around with a buyer of one of my artworks. i am really getting sick and tired of being trampled on. feel like i have a sign plastered to my head that says "doormatt- wipe here"
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hi kel hungover one,
glad you had a good time with aries. down to ur knickers. i havent had s.ex in ages. i think my knickers would've dissolved if i had been that close to having it!! hehe. yeh try a lunch thing with him.. i agree with flow re the chemistry thing.. see if its there, just see how he is all round..you should get an idea from that where he is at with it all.
hey shorty. 30 pages . yikes!
flow are you baking hot cross buns? i might have some for brekky. yummy. you know if i do hear from scorp later today its going to be hard not to show that im p.issed off with him. but i mean who wouldnt be though. then we 'llprob have another argument and he'll run off and then back to square one. fuck it im going surfing. and then reading what i wrote to kel about my knickers then i started to think about s.ex with him. now i feel ... .i dont want to just have s.ex with him though. i want more than just that. ahh it all seems like such a game.. thats why i like when we are camping.. we are together... there is no texting crap there is no mixed information. we are just naked already.. there is no having to make plans to see each other.. but this CONSTANT push pull .. you know he blurted out on the couch the other night in a kind of frenzy ".. and i think i do want to have kids ." he didnt say with me.. but.. anyway ...the first time he had ever said it without me bringing up the topic first. im scared though flow.
my stomach is rumbling i have to eat..
****= n.aked. OMG what is the world coming to??
oops made a mistake. naked IS allowed. **** mustve meant c.rap, but feel free to add any particular swear word
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god i am an emotional mess. im crying again now. it is all just s.ex. i dont trust him, not sure if i ever will. we are doomed. i am not tough enough for this world. too much dishonesty, everything gets twisted and distorted.. and love gets entangled up with it all in a stupid notion..and im so jealous and want him all to myself. the s.acred .s.ex. maybe its all just a lie. everything we are fed on this stupid planet is a lie.
stronger? i feel weaker. anyway what i wrote didnt seem to work anyway, so there goes that idea. i'm hopeless and so is love ..maybe i should just go and find myself a s/ex slave and be done with it.
im heading out for a bit..
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Kel- I'm happy you're getting along well with your aries! Sounds like you two got really hot and heavy! Lol! I might think about deleting my crabs txt's and numbers but I don't know...I thinkbi learned my lesson...I haven't done anything since then and i've given my phone to someone else when ice gone out after that so no worries...I just was replying to another friends txt the other day and while I was scrolling through my contacts, I came across his name...I shouldn't have opened it up but I did and I went back in history till December...it was just a moment of weakness I guess lol...it brought back good memories and bad and I just felt a little down...thanks for your advice though...you've helped me out more than you can imagine...o went through the first time when he stopped talking to me all by myself with no one to turn to...when I turned to my friend, the restaurant owner, he wasn't much help because he didn't like me talking to my crab in the first place...so anyway...it's all good...I've been trying to keep myself busy so that's helping too...slowly...unfortunately I don't move on that easily so it's a little harder for me...you know? Lol I'm definitely better than I was a few weeks ago so yu for progress!!
hope all is well with everyone else
i went for a surf this morning and then thought stuff it if i receive a text from him i will say its too late i have made other plans already shove it up your b.um you are wasting my time.
anyway. so there was a text which he had sent at 10.30 this morning- it read
, just finishing washing my dishes etc. r u keen 4 a surf with me this arvo?
then another one after that- "a garage sale 2 houses down from me has softboard for sale.x"
( i was looking for a board for my nephews at one stage but thought i'd leave it up to my sister now)
i was annoyed that he had left it so late.. and the dishes?? ahh..
felt like writing go have a big p.oo
but i wrote back, and it was 12.30 by this time cos i had been out in the water
" hello. yes i have a few more dishes to do myself, think i might get the scrubber out soon to get off the tough bits sticking to the sides. i will be available at 3pm where do u want to meet?" i didnt respond to the garage sale one.
no response yet. one hour later.how did i do?????
still kind of think i have made it too easy for him still that i shouldve sent the first one..
yes kel it does feel like an addiction sometimes.
aurgh still no answer!! this is so crazy, the games!!! the playing hard to get.. ugh!!!! knowing him he will let me know at 5 minutes to 3.
he has to learn or f.uck off! i so do i!!! but is it meant to be this hard??? is this how it goes just to get what we want?? do we ever really get what we want in the end???
ok mantra number 2..
i watched movie woody allen movie last night " whatever works" great movie, funny, interesting..
scorpvirgo- hello. gd that u are feeling better you sound better
HI all. I have been super busy with this holiday! Sunday should be easy though. got everything done. Whew! I made it out alive... and have photos with the Easter Bunny to prove it! ..lol..
Flow, I'm glad your performance went well. Anything new lined up? Oh, and what exactly is a p.en.is meter? ..lol.. just sounds all bad. I bet you did make him smile.
I am trying to follow in your footsteps with my guy. Use you as an example for me.
I sent my scorp a funny email today about when I testified 3 weeks ago. I still have heard nothing.
So.... Nothing from when I told him "ok, we're just dating and let's see what happens" and nothing from this email either. I think I'll lay back a few days and see what happens. I did what you said though. I told him it was nice to see him and that his place was great.
I keep telling myself that when he said "what? I dunno what you want me to say... I'm not marrying you.. yet" that he meant it. I am holding on to this because in general.... I would have just up and got myself gone. BUT he was honest and said he has wild oats to sow and does not know what he wants and yada, yada, yada.
Flow, this is similiar to your situation with Libra right?
Girl.... thank goodness I've got Sagg to distract me or I'd lose my mind. So OMG! I never got to meet the guy I'll be doing it this Thursday. I think this is something I want. I have somthing to prove to myself I think. I dunno.
What are you making for Easter? We're having Lasagna and a honey ham for dinner. I'm baking home made brownies. YUM! For breakfast... hard boiled eggs and bagles.
Will you spend it with your son or does he go by his dad's house?
Kel- OMG! Great line when you said I'll go home with you but you ma never hear from me again. If you like this guy... keep him running. Both my ex's were great... til they caught me and then is was like I had to put out an APB to find them. BUT I found more than the chase... it was the CHALLANGE!
Ok, thanks for the Sagg advice.... I'm standing down completely. We were supposed to have plans this week but after that whole "running away" thing I dunno. BUT because he did say Monday if he calls or texts I'm going to give him a moonbeauty special.... "OMG! Sagg, I am soooo sorry, I thought you had changed your mind so I made other plans... But how about we go out on..... hmmm..... Tuesday?.... I never did get to wear out my new shoes!"
Oh, I almost hope he texts/calls just so I can get him to reload that gun. I hope you're right about him coming back... I need some Scorp distraction....
OMG!!!! Go and see Hot Tub Time Machine.... it was soooo funny!
SV- dont delete yet... he'll call. It's not even a month!
Lua- have you heard anthing else since the April 7th in Manila thing???
Shorty! Girl! Happy Easter!
You're one strong woman. I've read everything you wrote and wow... I dunno if I could be as sane and as strong--- and good as you. God holds you tight I hope. How are you and your other kids now? You have walked through some fire woman. Hopefully you're not too burned up. From what you post.... you're heart seems very loving. I hope I never go through what you have been through.
It's Easter... time for new. I wont dwell on what you posted, I just wanted to acknowledge that I read it... and I am greatful for your sharing your life to help remind me and to see all the good in mine. thank you.
Oh, FYI how is the (not so new anymore ..lol..) job going?
Stranger- OMG! this man is driving me crazy for you. I dunno what approach to take with him. If you go cold he takes out the emotional tourture... I miss you love you... if you get clingly or too lovey he gets mean.... if you tow a hard line he gets abusive... and when your gentle and soft he takes advantage. Girl! It's Easter, new spring, new life. I dunno what advice to give.
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. 38? Damn, how long has this guy been on and off with you? Does he have any ex's you know? Maybe you can get an idea of how he was with them?
Girl.... something's gotta work eventaully.... right? You, kel and I .... all bones... waiting to get dug up. Different men, different sineros... but still all buried. Ugh!
Goodnight stranger and happy Eatser.
I'll catch up on Monday with everybody.
he just texted me and asked me to come to his place first then surf in hlf an hour or so i said- how bout we just meet at a surf spot( which i named) no answer! ugh!!!!!!!!!
moon its madness! si i will go. i painted him an egg to give him. he better be nice. i am not going to his house i dont want to i dont see the point we are going surfing.. f.uck now im nervous!!!!!!!! blah
Kel>>I read that convo you two had and yea he was the one engaging, he didn't sound like someone who wanted to break it off.
I would agree that your Cancer has communication problems - most of us Cancers do!
Lua>>I emailed him very late last night, I haven't been able to sleep much, this stupid thing has caused me insomnia! I told him I wasn't upset any more but I did get upset because I was confused by his cryptic message and I didn't understand what he was trying to say and why he sent that dinner in Manila pic, and I prefer to talk to him on the phone so I don't misinterpret anything.
This morning he sent me a short message, it said (translated from Portuguese)
"Ok Going to Sapporo now, talk to you tomorrow
If I wanted to hide it from you I wouldn't have sent you that dinner photo or posted on twitter about Manila :("
When he goes to Sapporo Japan he flies round trip for 11 hrs and doesn't get back until midnight, so seems like he does want to talk before he goes to Brazil. So it looks like he wanted to tell me he was in Manila but was afraid of confrontation and was afraid I would get angry so he went about this indierct way of letting me know (which got me more confused and angrier) Soo weird, I guess this is just crab side stepping but it caused me a lot of unnecessary grief and speculation that lead to a lot of pain and anger for me.
kel, would it help if I asked him to be a bit more direct that I have trouble understanding what he's trying to say and why and it would help me to understand more if he would either talk to me with words (like on the phone) or explain things a bit more? or being a cancer that expects people to read minds will he not understand my need for this? We have 2 languages in common (we both speak fluent English and Portuguese) and yet he communicates in some weird cryptic way posting photos on twitter and sending me dinner pics...I know people who don't speak the same language (like my Japanese friend who married an American) but communicate better than we do.
I think he had a traumatic adolescence and spent a lot of time alone playing computer games and on the internet and didn't interact with people . I know he spent many years depressed not leaving the house, etc..he probably even passed his pilot's test cuz he spent countless hours playing Flight Simulator, lol!
stranger-he keeps playing this game with you and playing hard to get and it's driving you mad. is there any way you can play hard to get and reverse the situation on him? For example if he doesn't answer and keeps you waiting you DON't wait for him and you make other plans and do your own thing, and if he texts you say "sorry, you didn't text back soon enough so I made other plans". I think you have to flat out tell him NO or else he will keep doing this. It may be difficult to say no at first but if you keep allowing him to do this he would he he can get away with this. You don't have to be mean, just say "I would have loved to have gone surfing with you but now I have other plans. Let me know next time when you can DEFINITELY go and exactly what time and I will be there, but please let me know in advanced " You have to let him know that you are not gonna wait around for himand you are a busy person, and if he wants to be with you he has to make definite plans and KEEP them.
This happened to me yesterday, although it was with a friend. A friend called me friday evening and asked me if I was free Saturday afternoon for lunch. I said yes (but he didn't set a definite time, MISTAKE). To me "lunch" is 12-2 ish..Most restuarants here are opened only 11-2 for lunch. He called me at 1:30 pm when I was starving already waiting for him. He texted me saying "I just woke up" He wanted me to have "lunch" at 4 pm (I had dinner plans with another friend at 7 pm so I told him "I thought we were having lunch, to me lunch is aroun noon, I would love to go another time but I have a dinner date at 7 pm."
next time I will set a definite time, I'm practicing this with all my friends and people I deal with. I even told cancer not to waste my time I don't have time trying to decifer his crap.