Please help/ contact after 16 years of NC



  • My ex wife and I haven't spoken for 16 years and we live in different states. We had no children together, first loves, I asked for the divorce but never stopped loving her. I won't go into that now, let's just say that we both were young. It hurt both of us deeply. There was no affair we were faithful to one another. I tried contacting her by letter 6 years after the divorce to say hello and offer my condolences for her fathers death. I never heard anything back. 3 months ago she made first contact through FB in a friendly manner and apologized for not replying to my letter. She never remarried, I did remarry, but have never been able to move on and that is why I am divorcing now. It should be said that my current wife and I are separated and soon to be divorced and that decision was made long before I ever heard from my first wife. After a few pleasant FB emails we switched to regular email because I told her how strange it was moving back to FL, she wanted to know why it was strange. I told her about regret, remorse, what it would be like if we were still together, and so on. I accepted full responsibility for what happened even though there are 2 sides to every story. It brought her to tears. It was then that she changed her FB status from "relationship" to "complicated."

    After a few more emails of catching up I decided to tell her about the divorce I am going through now. It was then her demeanor changed, she was sorry that things went that way for me but she gave me her phone number because "emails are nice but a quick text is too." No mention of talking. Every time I have mentioned something about memories or whatever she wants to know what it means. She's fishing I know. I have said a couple of endearing things to her, things I should have said long ago. She has been open and receptive to what I have said but not much in return. But she has been very supportive of my art and my recent accomplishments, perhaps my biggest supporter. We text once or twice a week just to say hey or talk about something that happened. We tried chatting but I mentioned something about memories she wanted to know what memories (fishing again) and I told her they were about her and she said she was sad and sorry but she had to go. It definitely was hard for her to talk about. We are still talking after that but haven't mentioned the past since then. Because we are still talking she's apparently not for sorry for contacting me.

    I haven't directly told her how I feel but I have made it fairly clear and she is still talking to me. I know she still cares but I wanted to see if anyone has any thoughts about her wanting to to get back together. I finally called just tonight and left a voicemail. All I can say is that it is a very surreal situation to go this long without contact but it seems like it all went down yesterday sometimes. For me it's a very delicate situation because I have hoped for this for all of these years. Thanks for listening.



  • My impression is you make better friends than lovers. If you get back together as love mates, all the old problems that were not resolved in the past will come back once again.



  • Will, I feel you tend to idealise people and put them up on pedestals. But once you see them as the frail humans they really are, you turn away in disappointment and disillusionment. You're doing it again to your ex. Building her up to be some sort of dream partner, which will come crashing down once you live together in dull daily reality.

    You have your faults and so does everyone else. Focus on the good in others, not their human flaws.


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