Don't know what's going on with him...HELP!

  • Hello

    I just don't know what's going on with my ex - one minute we seem closer, then next far apart. I wish I just knew what the future held so I could get on with life. Just feel like I'm in a constant limbo 😞


  • Trust issues with him? Commitment issues with him? Or is there turmoil in his life at the moment, or was there just turmoil in his life?

    Do you feel your are being open, that he feels you are open with him, that he can trust you?

    If you feel that there is love, and there is a future there, then you can suggest going to couples counseling. Might freak him out for sure, usually does. But if you explain why you want to do it, and say please, and ask him to think about it, his eventual answer (or running for the door) will tell you whether he is worth your time and effort. And it may take you leaving, for him to come around too saying yes and agreeing to go. If you get to the actual couples counseling, then you will at least know he is serious, and you can work on issues and communication from there.

    Courage gets you to take action, the result is not always what you want, but you will get your answer.

  • curious1st, i'm in the exact same situation so i feel for you. I've decided to try and distance myself from him for the moment and just give us some space. May be it can help in your case too.

  • Thanks for your replies...I'm just in such a state. Solicitors are involved due to us having a son together & it all seems to be spiralling out of control 😞 All I want is to keep my family together, but now it all seems about games due to hurt we have caused eachother. I'm trying to distance myself, but it seems to make things worse. But when I do chase, he seems to enjoy playing games. I dont know if we are truely over & to just go along with the solicitors & courts. Or tell him how I feel & hope it brings us closer. So hard with having a child together x

  • I speak from a common sense approach, and from having seen this thing happen before quite a few times, since I was a child. I do not have extra special insights, or special gifts, I am just not caught up in your turmoil, I can be objective.

    A child together makes a difference, yes indeed. However, to have a son grow up in a household that his parents "play games with each other" or "hurt each other", is probably not the best environment for him. Mind you, children can learn good things from bad examples presented, so it can be good, especially if the adults are used as anti-role models. And think about that for a little bit, who wants to be an anti-role model?

    Basically, the child is now the factor on how to proceed. The adults need to remain civil towards each other. Otherwise, the adults will have to have a third party involved to do the switching for visitation / custody. That is okay to do, but see how much more complicated it makes things?

    I had no idea that you were to the point of solicitors and courts. You have my sympathies. You should know in some states they have made it much harder to get a divorce (still easy as pie to get married of course), and many of those states require, mandatory couples counseling. Even if you are not married, see if the system you are dealing with this matter legally has some access, or recommendations to couples counseling. But remember, if both parties are not going to go in, and be open and honest, then it is going be more of the same, just a new venue; basically pointless.

    There is most probably some professional guidance needed here, and that is what you really have to decide, would it even be worth the trying to do so.

    Furthermore, you have said "hurt we have caused each other." If that was cheating - spending time, an emotional investment, having romantic feelings, or actual intimate encounters - with another person, then that is about something being missing for you, him, or the both of you. Remember, that can cut both ways, one may cheat, because of what the other does.

    The trespasses can be worked through and out, many times, but if and only if the underlying issues can be addressed. So again, what are the chances of getting to address the REAL ISSUES, and then, is it worth the effort to get there and work on it?

    People choose between the high road, or the low road everyday, and that is not predetermined by anything, but you. No horoscope, no card layout, nothing can ultimately trump your God given freewill.

    When you sow hurt, you need to reap it before you can start a new crop on the same land, or of course, run away and let the hurt take over that patch of land. For your son you should clear (reap) the hurt, even if it does not "save" the relationship. Problem is, takes two to tango, and that brings you back to HIM helping to get things resolve. You can only do your part, not HIS.

    If he won't go a counseling session by yourself may be of some assistance to you. May not be, it is your call.

    Other than that, you can certainly write a nice letter. Start with many pieces of paper with "a topic" at the top of each, and when you get a thought, write it down were it fits. Over a weeks time, you will have pages filled with your thoughts, and feelings, and you can organize them into a letter, and edit (add or delete stuff) it to make it a letter. When you finish you can send it, deliver it, or just burn it or thrown it away. I personally would keep at least one copy somewhere safe for yourself. And I was make it a physical letter, not an e-mail, or an IM, or a phone conversation.

    Other than that, get a moments peace by yourself. Go to a church (pray, or sit quietly, or light a candle). Go to a park (walk, or sit and look around, or watch the critters). Where ever you feel connected is a good place. You can pray, and offer up your suffering, and request what you want. You can clear your mind by relaxation techniques, or by saying a familiar prayer over, and over, and over. If you can calm yourself, then eventually you can see more clearly, and then where he is headed. Because Curious1st you already know what you want or would like to happen, just not what he wants.

  • "And I was make it a physical letter" should be "And I would make it a physical letter".

    Sister Mary Frances is looking down on me with squinted eyes, I am sure.

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