Need help on Letting It Go

  • Mom2jess sorry i just realized i had missed this i have been reading my own words seeking answers but i am kinda in self pity today .Today i am a single man some would say be glad some would say i am sorry and some would say pick up your feet and move own you have a whole world in front of you .I was told that Michale would sever the cord if i would ask and i did and i spent nearly all day in bed ,drained,headache just felt real bad .Its almost like a death but worse because we are still living .You see i was a drunk for a lot of my life ,believe me no one sets out to be alcoholic or drug addict but i am a alcoholic recovered now for 26 years but i went threw a lot of relationships when i was drinking always looking for that one i would change my life for well i never happened except for grace i found in a power greater than myself and i learned threw a 12 step program alcohol was just a symptom of my underlying problems and i had to get down to causes and conditions and when i got to the exact nature of the wrong then and only then was i able to start correcting the problems that was cause me not to have meaningful relationship,i was single for five years raising two girls and a boy by myself and i wanted someone so bad but it just was not happening so i gave up and told God if you want me to be single the rest of my life or if there is to be someone you will have to bring them i gave it to him .Then i met my wife about a month latter that has been the hardest part for me is today i am single yesterday my divorce was final after 21 years of marriage i tried for 9 years to stop it but i knew it was going to happen basically it came down to she feel for another man but he was just having fun but she had fallen for him even though i knew something was going own and when i started asking questions the lies started and the marriage started designating cause trust went out the window and now divorce today i know acceptance is the key to understanding .I can not help that my wife chose to do what she did i tried for 9 years to get her to deal with the lye trying to get her to get help from someone but she be leaves if you do not talk about it ,it goes away but it does not so our once fairy tale marriage that was so good become something ugly the old saying it takes two to tangle and it takes two to make a marriage or a relationship work i never thought i would ever endure what i have for the last nine years but i kept hopping she would care enough to do what ever it took to save or marriage do you know what its like to look in to the eyes of the women you love so much but your not the man she wants and you wonder why after all them years what did i do wrong ,how could i have done better i never wanted this, could i have prevented it? no, I guess what i am saying is we look at our selves and try to fix what is wrong with us i can not fix anybody else just me .When i drank i never stayed with anyone longer than 6 months and there was always someone from when i was 16 so i had a lot of failed relationships ,and for once i felt like i got it right but it failed so if you ask me what success is, i can not say how do you judge success threw failure my only answer is hope .With hope maybe i will guide you to find that flaw that is causing the problems you are having,Is it worth it? Oh yes .Today i am in new territory i have never been in before i am not quite sure how to let it happen .Would i fight another nine years for what i be-leaved in? You bet i would and my hope is that i keep fighting for what i be-leave in Truth and fairness Delbertc

  • We will be married for 10 years in June. The real sucky thing about our marriage is that for YEARS I have been the one trying to save our marriage. Doing everything I could possibly do to please my husband. Id do anything to make him happy even if it made me miserable. My whole life became focused on that. Every little criticism i'd try to do better on, but I am who I am... some things cant change. It would be little comments like how come our house cant always be as clean as so and so's house....I was even told once that I was only attractive when i was pregnant. I did everything i could, and he even admits now that he never tried. I said several times I wanted to leave and his response always was "fine go then". But now that I have gotten to the point where I no longer want to do it all NOW he kicks in and is trying like crazy. Or at least that is what he says. But now i feel like everything is my fault.. I'm the one that is causing pain by not being able to make a decision. I feel like I'm the only one working on myself. My husband is so focused on working on our relationship that I dont see him doing anyting for him. I with the help of our therapists am now able to identify some patterns and realize what they really mean. I believe the heart of our problem is that I dont feel as though I have ever been respected the way I should. My thoughts and ideas have always been discounted. My feelings were "wrong". There is sooo much I see issues with that need to be fixed. I believe that in July when i told him I couldnt take it anymore that at that point I had severed our "bond" I dont emotionally trust him, and my firm stance is that he can't/won't hurt me again like he has. i dont think I could survive another trip to where I was emotionally. Now we only talk about fluff in my opinion. The kids and work. We dont talk about our issues. I have always been the one that seems to have had to hold him up emotionally and tell him hes ok. Through therapy i have come to identify that he does not seem to have the ability to self-sooth. He needs someone else to sooth him. I cant do this anymore. Not on a constant basis. I feel at some point he needs to pick himself up dust off and move forward. I sure as heck am. Personal growth is important, but i almost seem to see him going backwards... he acts like a teenager sometimes and it drives me nuts. And as i grow and make changes it frustrates me that he doesnt seem to be advancing at all. The behaviors i have problems with have always been there. He cant give me my space. He is clingy and pushy like he wants me to hurry up and get better.

    Gosh I dont know I guess I kind of rambled.

    Delbertc.... hang in there. Congratulations on surviving another day. I firmly believe that baby steps get us through. Even if you need to take it hour by hour, or day by day. Dont push too hard, and dont be afraid to ask for help. Ive learned the hard way, not all problems can be tackled alone.

  • Thank you mom2jess i will be OK the hardest part is i thought i would never have to go threw this again not like this .But one of the things i can not or will not except is lying i guess i will have to be a old hermit i do not want to . I told my wife a lye is what starts a affair the first act of screwing around is lying to yourself but how many people want to blame it on other things and other people .See i be leaved so strongly that God brought us together and in the past when things got ruff i would leave but being sober and this coming about as it did i also be leaved in the commitment of marriage till death do we part threw sickness and health and i knew lying brought on sickness but in 9 years she choose not to do anything about it and all the trust was gone so she went and filed for divorce when theres no trust its just endurance and that is miserable oh once in while you have happy moments but they get further and further apart my daughter said i should of left 9 years ago when it happen but i could not that would of been like i had always done .I am a fixer a doer but i could not fix it the only thing i can fix is me with Gods help i can not do it by myself and as much as i wanted her to be OK God could not fix her either unless she allows him to .Now would i take her back if she confessed every thing and was honest with her self? NO Why i have seen a part of that women i do not ever want to see again or from any women evil i did not know she could be so vindictive . So what i am saying is i will not tell anyone to leave or stay that has to be only yours to make I would suggest put it all down own paper the good and bad 2 columns and 2 columns of yes and no of what is acceptable and not what are you willing to take and not take and maybe that will give you some indication about what you need to do. The main est thing is you work on you and remember it takes two for a marriage to work and this is yours do not leave it laying around for prying eyes and also this is something you can do together to as long as it does not get into a heated argument and if it does say this is getting heated lets take a break and pick it up latter.I really hope this helps do i want my wife back ? No but i do want what we had a love beyond anything i have ever experienced a happiness i have never had before but it takes two and it is work but it is worth it. Every one wants to feel needed and loved today i need to remember that is what i need to give and show before i can receive it and we are all love by this power and it unconditional. I Love when Love succeeds Delbertc

  • Hi Mom2Jess (and others 🙂

    I was sorry to read of your Struggles ~ very similar to those I went thru (and survived!) 20+ yrs ago.

    Your original question was about "letting go." I'll share my experience, but I think it's a personal Faith-based kind of "thing," so results probably vary. When I say Faith-based, I'm not talking about any one organized-religion-defined "Faith." I mean "You" (whoever) having a Faith, a belief in "Something," whatever that Higher Power happens to be: God, Buddha, Allah, Mistress Nature.... Whatever... As I said, it's a personal experience that happens only to you in such a way that no one else can have that same experience because "You" bring it into Being thru your Faith...

    _The bottom line: "You are not good enough..." After 9 years of mental abuse from him, all the while "trying to work things out," I started believing his crap & was soon mentally abusing my Self... One day, I caught myself thinking that awful phrase, and the hard-headed Aries side of Me shot back angrily: "Not good enough for WHO? Him or YOU?" That changed my perspective of things...

    I've come to understand my ex- was only "right" temporarily: Lord knows he sure made me learn a ton of important Life lessons! (Bet yours only whistles to annoy you ~ he maybe feels YOU are not the right person for him; otherwise he wouldn't be so critical... When you truly love someone, you cherish them, even their faults, for the faults belong to the beloved: I've learned it's a "package deal" 🙂

    The best thing to come of that bad union was the creation of two beautiful baby boys who have always been "my reason for everything:" every decision, every dream had something to do with them and making a better future for my boys. Having small kids and no money made things extra hard ~ I almost slipped off that Wagon, Delbert... 21 yrs on 7/4... *deep curtsey to your greater experience * Every time I turned around, everything I tried to do, I kept hitting road-blocks. I sank further into the Depths and could barely see the Way out...

    One night, completely overwhelmed and wallowing in tears and self-pity, I remembered that saying already discussed, "Let go & let God." I started thinking about that saying... At first, so full of despair and hopelessness, I thought how stupid, how ridiculous it sounded. Is God going to help me afford day care so I can go to college to one day have a "career" with health benefits so I can raise my boys decently? Is God going to get me a decent car or some presentable professional work-clothes so I'm not embarrassed to go on job interviews?

    "Yes." I swear I heard it... I swear a Light went on in my brain, in my Soul... I could swear I lit up inside someplace that I barely knew was in Me. Raised by fairly-devout Lutherans, snatches of verse and sermons floated in & out of my thoughts: "Ask and ye shall receive." "The Lord loves you and cherishes you." "Though I walk thru the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no Evil for He shall comfort me." Then suddenly, somehow, I found that by naming my biggest "problems," they'd changed. They turned into "challenges." This made them solve-able, sort of... COULD God really help me? WOULD (S)He? At once, I felt silly, kind of like a child lightly-chastised by a beloved Elder.

    Long story short, I humbly ask for Help. I admitted I couldn't do it by myself: I couldn't seem to see the Right Path. I couldn't bear the burden anymore. I still remember sobbing: "All I want is a decent guy who will love me for "Me," not want me to be something I'm not (like thinner!), and who will love my boys as his own and help raise them into decent, responsible men."

    And ya know what, within one month, I met "my Knight:" today is our 20th wedding anniversary.

    Then & now, he is everything I asked for -- to "steal" a Joel Osteen quote: he was and continues to be "my miracle." My "boys" are nearing 30 this year: they are decent and responsible, though not without quirks & testosterone! I got my degree, then my Master's, and built a nice career that made me fulfilled and happy. "My miracle" is often frustrating and annoying but I love him all the more for the Life we've built together. I've since discovered events that happened years before we even met had conspired to bring us together eventually, but in "Good Time," not "our Time." Now, we're nearing the end of our Journey together: his Cancer returned after 10 yrs remission and the chemo is enjoying the upper hand in this now-almost-2-yr-battle. It's scary, horrible, and sad, but I know we'll both come out okay. Our Angels are always there... Everything has a Season, whether we're ready for it or not...

    It's not about ignoring the problems, but about changing the way you view them. As "they" say: it's all about perspective." It's about having complete Faith and Trust that you ARE beloved and you ARE cared for and you WILL be okay because your Higher Power will never let you down. You ARE 'good enough."

    But it is a humbling experience, because you have to ask -- honestly, truly ASK -- and you have to give up trying to "control" things so completely in your Life. Listen to that Inner Voice; talk to your Angels and your God; trust Them to Guide you through safely. Doors will open; you'll meet people -- maybe only for a brief shared experience, or maybe someone who stays around awhile or pops in and out of your Life; things will happen and YOU will change by the experience of letting go.

    I'm copy/pasting Emergence's Angel reading quote from 3/25: it's more concise than my explanation & it's awesome:

    " Talk to the Higher Power, talk to your angels. Ask for their intervention. For they cannot help you if you don't ask. Share your innermost feelings. Ask for help. Be the best you can be. And when you do that, you will set into motion your "you-ness" into the universe and reverberates back to you. You will be surrounded by happy people. Loving people. People you want in your inner circle. Let go, put out all of your desires and let the Universe work on them behind the scene."

    Sorry so long but this discussion "touched" me. I leave you with my favorite saying: "All things for a Reason, even when we know not why..." <unknown>Best thoughts & wishes for you all ~ Very interesting discussion.</unknown>_

  • Ninive may God wrap his loving arms around you and yours during these times .One saying kept coming to me if God brought you to it he will bring you threw it and as we know today is the first day of the rest of my life one day at a time and come July 27 years seems long yet so short one day at a time threw grace i found threw a loving power that started with a belief that maybe just maybe this power they talk about might help me and by putting that belief into action i acquired a little faith as they say as little as a mustard seed and that seed has sprouted beyond measure and all that time is based own what i do today first and foremost not drink and second to make sure i am spiritually fit and third how to serve my power and my fellow man . Delbertc

    • hugs * Delbertc: Thank you for the blessing! Can never have too many of those! I too started with that "mustard seed" & it's bloomin' pretty good after all these years... But, like all living things, it needs attention constantly. One of the best books I've read recently is The Gentle Art of Blessing (Pierre Pradervand).

    Ya know, I was sitting in my yard this evening, watching my kitties play and being grateful for having a nice big yard. My butterfly bush, now 2 yrs old for me (probably about 5...), looks like it survived the harsh winter & the forsythia (sp?) bush is so brilliant yellow. The purple hyacinths smelled so good! I got thinking, "So this is Life. Sun up, sun down, the days pass & seasons flow into years." Such a simple truth that Everyone shares... What makes the difference, I got to thinking, is how we chose to fill those minutes and days... I find I feel better when I can do stuff for other people...

    The 1st cancer bout in 1998 taught me that Life is so temporary and material things matter not in the end. This 2nd bout is just plain, "Not fair!" Once was enough! I've learned more compassion, more patience, more insight... but it still hurts to see your best friend dwindle away. It hurts him to be dependent, so we try to make jokes about stuff & look up silly videos on YouTube like, "B-double E - double R - UN" or Melonie's "Brand New Key." I cherish each goofy moment for what it is: ours! And tho I've not read them front-to-back, I found some solace in Dr Michael Newton's Journey of Souls & Destiny of Souls. I liked the ideas expressed in the stories: maybe I'm just nutty, but some things just "felt" like they might be "right." I'm actually a little better thinking about our inevitable "parting" when I think within the context of those books and other resources I've been led to...

    But I ramble... Thanks again for your kind thoughts & words 🙂 I was thinking, as I read your reply, that you've now been "shoved" onto a new Path yourself... I know you will find your Way okay... Just use that Beacon of Hope & you'll be fine!

  • Ninive -

    It's not about ignoring the problems, but about changing the way you view them. As "they" say: it's all about perspective." It's about having complete Faith and Trust that you ARE beloved and you ARE cared for and you WILL be okay because your Higher Power will never let you down. You ARE 'good enough."

    Everything you said and everyone else has said is so wonderful but what I posted above...has been the way I've been living my life for the last couple months and I have to's definitely been the best part of my life. Thank you for saying what I HAVE been feeling and it is a blessing and I'm so grateful that it is true. Blessings to you.

  • Hi Ninive how are you all today good i hope i got some thing i want to send you for you and yours and one he can get a laugh out of i know he will like it h-ell you will to one of the neatest things i have had the honor of is asking my oldest brother he was 48 dying of cancer they called us when he went back into the hospital for key mo and he said no, but they said it would not of done any good anyway it had spread to much we were all raised here in Texas but he was i n the service in California and Washington and he really loved it up there he would move back and forth but that is were he was at Washington when it got so bad so we flew out there when they called cause he would no live maybe 1 day there was 11 of us do you know how hard it is to get flights from DFW to Seattle in less than 4 hours and they even gave us discounts i come from a large family 7 boys 2 girls they were spoiled, some came about 3hrs latter but i got to talk to him before the morphine put him out completly and ask if he and God were ok and he said yes you see he was a but drunk to he never guit but they would call him from Dallas and ask him to come get me i would be own a 2 or 3 week drunk and at 30 years old i had already gotten real bad he would come get me and sober me up then i would turnaround and do it again but he got to see me sober and see my life change and tell me he was proud of me and when the rest got there my mother ask if i would lead them in prayer and we all held hands and his and said the Lords Prayer he died the next day but this was the same family that told me i was not welcome at thier house anymore if i was drinking and i spent Christmas day at a bar on harry hiens in Dallas and we had a very close family and what a honer that was and i beleave and am sure its a honer for you even though its hard to see and watch your loved one go down but i beleave God chose you for this to hold his hand un till you give him over to God own the otherside i know time is short its never long enough just hang own to the time you all have had togather and chairish the love you share.I hope these emails will bring a little pleasure and a smile Delbert

  • Ninive,

    So much of what you said spoke to me. I will read your message a few more times and see what message is really there for me. I sense you said something I need to hear, but may not be ready for it.

    Something kinda funny that hit home... I was also raised Lutheran, and actually one of the verses you quoted was the verse I used during my confirmation.

    "Though I walk thru the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no Evil for He shall comfort me."

    At the time I dont know why I chose it other than I could actually remember it. Now as an adult i see how fitting it really is. The idea and meaning behind it is what got me out of my dark place.

    Ive re-read the messages here again, and sometimes it feels like a smack in the head...a hey wake up and do things different. I have been trying so hard the past six months to make my decision on whether to stay or go. I realize I already do know that answer with every fiber of my being. It is my brain and insecurity and fear that holds me back from making that decision. I get lost in a circle of What If's.... what if in a few months things change. I realize that I am a stubborn, strong willed person. When I am determined I will not and can not be swayed to change my mind. Once I make a choice.... it is my choice and I dont second guess it.

    I believe at some point I chose to sever my connection with him as a survival technique. If you dont love someone they cant hurt you. I had pretty much lost my will to exist. Now i cherish every day that I have. Things seem almost sunnier, and my personality seems to be getting stronger and stronger. Even though I feel the need to keep trying harder at the moment to reach out and make that connection. I sense one day soon something will pop. Either the puzzle pieces will snap into place....or it will all fall apart. Either way I know I am strong enough, and good enough to take on every challenge that comes before me, and above all that I am not ALONE ever.

    Honestly the serenity poem/prayer has really helped me in my view of the world and what is going on in my life. It now is what guides me... when I feel lost or overwhelmed i re-read it.

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change;

    courage to change the things I can;

    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;

    Enjoying one moment at a time;

    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

    Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it;

    Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

    That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

    --Reinhold Niebuhr

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  • Del, I was so saddened to read of your brother and your loss... Thanks for your kind words -- I Gmail'd ya just a minute ago, so you can reply there? It's a 48-hr chemo infusion weekend, so I've been doing what I can to bring comfort and some laughter. Not looking forward to disconnect today, as that is when the bad side effects start... The way I see it, tho, is I'm grateful I can be the one to "be there" for Hubby when he most needs someone. I try to give assistance and convenience, not pity. Dignity shouldn't be something we sacrifice coz we get sick or weak... This is not the first time I've been Called to be a caregiver or Guardian for the Weak; I'm sure it won't be the last. My Mom is a lifelong Caregiver also...

    AuntBuck: Blessings back to YOU! I'm glad I was Guided right enough to help. As a writer by trade & passion, there are times I'm moved to write some things and times I'm moved to delete stuff that I thought was well-written. I just take it as a sign some things should & should not be said aloud...

    Mom2Jess: What I glossed over in my reply was the horrendously difficult time I had breaking the chains between the ex- and I... What a horrid experience... I prayed so hard during that Dark Time... Nothing felt like it was right and I was so full of doubt and despair... It's taken over 20 yrs to dull all those mental abuse phrases I lived with for just half that time! Sometimes they still pop back up, but now I'm stronger and tell 'em just go away ~ I'm Loved and Protected!

    The dream of a Better Life, especially for the boys, is what kept me going. The Serenity Prayer, if an object, would have gotten worn out for as much as I used it! Minute by minute, step by step, I continue to be Guided where I'm needed most & I'm so grateful for that! Be well, baby-girl!