Love Life Reading
Needing to know what I should do:
I've been married for 14 years and have had ups and downs. My husband and I have come to a point in the marriage where we ask each other should we go on. During this time he has pulled away emotionally as he is trying to take care of some personal issues within. Well, while he is away doing this....my personality loves companionship and someone to talk to.
I have grown closer to a friend I met from work. I have known her for about two years but have just recently started hanging out. I already know that she is only into girls (don't want to get into labels) but I don't think she is aware that I know this about her. My husband actually told me that she is gay.
What we have in common and what we talk mostly about is the Spirit. She has said things like "you know it's nothing wrong with liking the opposite sex" or she may stand really close to me which would make anyone else uncomfortable. Not sure if these are hints or just me doing some wishful thinking. Sometimes I think she's feeling me out to see what I think about lesbians, but I'm not sure so I don't let on that I know this....Not sure if she is into me or just wants to make sure I'm okay with her being the way she is (in an innocent way). I asked about hanging out more, and this is what she said "she would love to but just get ready for people at the workplace talking and she also said my hubby may start to resent me and blame me for any issues between you two." I told her I don't care what people think. What does all of this mean? Anything?
I'm at the point where I don't want to be the one to break off the marriage for exploring even though my husband can be completely controlling and has literally stated if things don't change, he will be leaving in 3 months (because of sex, finances, etc.). I feel that this is very controlling and child like and I think I've grown very bored of going through these struggles with him.
I feel I have grown and can talk to my friend on a whole other level without arguing about something petty. Keep in mind that I have 2 girls (14 and 10) and I'm pretty sure they would resent the fact of mommy breaking up the family.
I asked my husband (while we are still trying to find each other ) if he would be okay with me getting closer with a friend. I kind of left it vague out of fear he would retaliate and withdraw but he said that's fine (without asking me for specifics or what I was referencing.)
Each day I have thoughts about her and when I see her, I come to life. I also dream about the next time we go out and spend some time together. I can't even comfortably eat while sitting at lunch with her because of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. My hands even shake when I pick up my glass. (How embarrassing!!! I feel like a teenager!) I'm really not sure how she feels about me and don't want to ruin the start of a good friendship by being too presumptuous.
What should I do? I'm normally spontaneous but don't want her to get scared off.