Talked to my ex-wife
She called again and I answered....asked if I was still in the house and said she was not happy and she couldn't stop thinking about me everyday and asked if I was happy. I said I was fine and then I told her I know how she has two sides and how she uses people an how she has only bad karma. She vehemently denied using me for a greencard and insisted she married me for the right reasons.
She said her and her mom were living with that guy but he was only a friend that she didn't think of him that way and it was currently impossible for her to enter another relationship as she can't stop thinking about me. She said her and her mom sleep together every night. At one point, she acted like she had to go and I kept prodding on why exactly she was calling and said she must be confused.
She said she was confused a little but she needed more time and her health was getting better. I then asked her if she loved me and she said she didn't know but she care da lot for me then she asked me if I loved her....I eventualy said yes and that I will always love her for the rest of my life. Then I told her that she must love me to call her and she said she had to go and was crying at times during the conversation. I then told her I know for sure is that I love her...she then told me that she loves me too.."I love you too." she said. She mentioned how much we argued and I said we could get some counseling.
At one point, I lashed out at her for just living with some guy. she doesn't even really like and said she was using him just like me....She said she had no choice because her and her mom had to have somewhere to stay. I don;'t even know what to think anymore........what does she really want??? She had to go to work but said she would call me later.
This is why I was scared to talk to her...she has stirred up strong feelings again and left me feeling drained. At one point, she even said now I feel so good after talking to you and knowing you are happy. I feel like she wanted to drain me of some more energy that I had been building up since our breakup. She calls and acts like she wants to get back together and then acts like she doesn't and then says she loves me and acts like she does but is too scared we will fight again. Captain....you said she was much happier now.....but she told me she is not happy at all and is very confused.
She was happy at the time I read her, but she easily jumps from happiness to unhappiness when whoever she is with doesn't let her have her way. She uses withdrawal as a way to manipulate others.
If this is the sort of behaviour you want to put up with forever (being 'on' with you, then 'off' with you, and 'on' with someone else), then so be it. But don't call it love.
So...she is trying to manipulate me to take her in again?
I do love her......I wanted to let her be, but she called twice and now I am all confused again.
Please just answer me this question. Is she really that bad of a person and did she really just use me??? Her actions indicate using...her words...otherwise.
She is working as a waitress again which means she has no plans to stay with this rich guy. She basically told me she wants to either be alone or perhaps with me again. I know you guys may think this is mean of me...but I can't answer her phone calls anymore. I am THIS close to caving in and getting back together with her.
What does she want?
Can someone please give me some advice. She hasn't called me. Does she really want something again with me or is she just trying to see if I am over her or not?
Just a suggestion, since you cant see this for what it is and take the Captains wise advices, try to google CO-DEPENDENCE and see if this rings true for your relationship, it might give you more insight as to what is going on.......best of luck!
Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Difficulty making decisions
Hmmmm in this situation I do fit a few of those....but a lot of them..I certainly do not...can another person actually make another co-dependent over time? I would never put up with this kind of behavior before this relationship. I think I got confused when caring for her so much when she was sick. My feelings are all mixed up right now.
This has helped me realize that the right thing for myself is not to put up with the abuse she has dished me out. I now feel foolish for answering her phone call and telling her my feelings toward the end of the convo. I completely succumbed. I swear...I actually tried to end this relationship a few times on my own accord last year and didn't have the heart to go through with it for her sake. She would break down into tears if I even mentio0ned the idea of taking a break. Then when she started seeing another guy something inside flipped. I do want the best for her but feel jilted and hurt at the same time.
Maybe it's best for both of us to part ways permanently. I feel like she taunted me yesterday with the call and got me emotionally hooked again and said I will call you later to get me waiting by the phone...which I'm not....but it is kind of frustrating. I will just continue my rigid no contact and ignore any pone calls if they occur. After reading this...I am realizing this is dragging my self esteem down.
I meant to say a lot of them I don't in that first sentence.
JUST LOOK AT THIS RELATIONSHIP, is IT co-dependent? the both of you together can make it that way, unhealthy relationships take both people to levels that can be hard to break away from and it becomes a pattern, a sort of sick game, you hurt me, now im gonna hurt you back! when you are losing self esteem you are losing yourself , just let it be for now or get into proffesional help for marriage. you two cannot fix this alone(if you insist on making a go of it that is)
Well, I wish we could make it work instead of this game of who hurt who. The problem is, she has completely alienated my family with her behavior....and that is VERY important to me. My family used to adore her. But...if she was willing to sincerely make a go of it with counseling, I would be for it as well. I even suggested that at one point. I think right now, she is wanting me to call her and beg for her to get back with me. It's this kind of behavior that I don't like. She went out of her way to say she would call me and no call so far...like she baited me. I think counseling would be a great idea for BOTH of us...not just her but me too.
Well I think her first language is not English so maybe that’s why u have taken her in a wrong way in a number of places..E.g. where she said she used him (the guy)...she should have said that she had to sweet talk to take a favour from him so that he could let her and her mother stay in his house as they had no where to stay coz they had no one in the country. She tries to convey the message to u or wotever she wants to say using the words which she thinks r appropriate according to her own dictionary but she doesn’t know as shes not English that these words r inappropriate n gives a wrong meaning or impression. So she thinks shes conveying the message properly but she doesn’t know woteva she says, u take a wrong meaning of it.
You said “She hasn't called me. Does she really want something again with me or is she just trying to see if I am over her or not, what does she really want???”...she called you coz she “missed” you... you should have told her that she should have cleared all these misunderstandings before she gave u the divorce papers...wots the point of telling all this now when its all over...just tell her u got in a depression after all this and u r emotionally and physically drained after all wot happened, n u have no stamina and can’t take this type of depression again... you have no strength left in u to make her happy anymore as u did wotever u could to make her happy but she doesn’t get happy easily...maybe u r not for her...n she should find a guy who can make her more happy than u.... tell her that we have got different personalities thats y we clash...its better for both of us to remain apart...as we had been harming each other for quite a long time in the past.......maybe we r not for each other.....n ask her wot can u give her now?..u have given her wot she was trying to get for a long time that was Divorce from you, she can do wotever she wants now....she is free now!!!...And if she says something again then finally ask her “wot does she want you to do now?..”...and hopefully after listening to all this if she still says which u want to hear then take stclair advice about counselling.......your wife is still confused after all wot happened......“give her time....don’t rush this time...don’t be too slow either...just be in the middle...let her think seriously...n if she seriously wants to be with u then go counselling...”
Your wife is emotional....she only understands the “language of Love”...
Jas, why do you think she would tell me she is going to call me later and then never call? See...this is what makes me not trust her at all anymore. I poured out my heart to her and she even told me she still loves me and tells me she is going to call later and purposely doesn't call. It just makes me think she is about power and games at this point.
Yeah, she is very emotional. But this guy....he is someone twice her age who she met in a bar her first night out away from me...I'm sorry, but I find it despicable and told her that myself. She has plenty of friends she could stay with. This guy is nothing more than a sugar daddy (has money). I mean....it seems like to me why doesn't she just go to a bar tonight and find 5 or 6 new guys to replace him if she is already bored of him and it's THAT easy. I really have lost so much respect for her. No high quality woman could do this the way she has and I told her that. It is just only the truth.
She told me that he really likes her but she only thinks of him as a friend now and is not ready for a new relationship and can't get over all of her memories with me. That made me really sentimental but the fact is, she is using this guy big time to house her and her mother....it really is pathetic on her part and the guy's. AND more so...I am beginning to think it's even more pathetic for me to take her seriously at this point. Or am I just being too insensitive to her situation???
I feel like the more I succumb to her and go after her, the more she will pull away...even if she calls first and I start saying I want it to work. It seems like her tactics to emotionally manipulate me and probably others is to reel you in and then pull away on purpose...it is so cruel. Like she called me and now got what she wants in seeing that I am not yet over her and then just pulled away trying to illicit phone calls from me to get me to beg for her back.
Should I just call her and tell her in a very calm voice that I just want her to be happy and move on and enjoy her freedom? Because at this point, I can't take anymore of the back and forth...it is seriously affecting my happiness as a person.
I really just want to end this on a peaceful note. I do kind of also wish we could get together and make it work...but in the long run....I don't think that is a smart idea for the both of us unless counseling provided some kind of miracle.
Have been thinking...at this point, I feel too drained to ever want to deal with her again. I am blocking her number. I was a happy person before I met her and all that I know is whenever she comes in contact with me she manages to make me unhappy. I was even getting back to my former old happy self right before she called and she managed to drag me down the gutter again. That should be the number one sign that she is not good for me. Even when we were together on good terms, she made me feel drained. It's really retarded of me to ever hope to be with her again...only hoping for more misery. I think that's what Captain was trying to say earlier. I'm officially finished with her with all forms of contact. It's the only way I can think of to not let her slip back into my life.
the relationship is dysfuntional, your thinking in a more healthy way now.
Well, she is confused and she told that herself to u that she is afraid if she makes up with u, she might repeat the same mistakes again. She is being honest, and I think she had been honest before as well but u guys made the circumstances so worse that her being honest seemed like a lie to you. And yeah she is a Gemini they say wot they mean, yes you poured out your heart to her, but when Gemini love someone they do not tell that they love you coz they have a fear in their mind that if someone who they love will find out then they will know that u have become their(geminis) weakness n u will leave them(geminis), they hide their true feelings, if they love someone they will express it with actions so she “called” u but she didn’t say she loves u, i mean she said that but she said that after u said it twice. She loves you that y she called u (as they say action speaks louder than words), otherwise they don’t give a second look if they don’t love the person. Apart from Gemini thing, maybe she in confused coz its not been a long time since you guys have been divorced so she’s not used to living alone like this after spending years with u, i mean she did live alone without u with her mum, but then she knew even if she doesn’t live with u, she can patch up again and all and u r hers, she can come home again, get back to u and live with u again. She didn’t have those feelings before coz she didn’t break all ties with u then. She cannot get over the fact that she is divorced now, n now you have become her ex-husband and all the ties and her bond with u is finished. Maybe she couldn’t resist calling u so give her time she will get back to normal and will stop calling u. Coz i have just seen the other comment written by u that u don’t want to be with her then tell her next time if she calls, ever meets u again in life, that u don’t want any relationship with her.
Y do you say she’s playing games, i mean y would she play games at this point of time?....wot would she gain from it?..if u think she tries to take advantage of u which u have said hundreds of times in ure comments then tell her to leave u coz u really make things up in ure mind abt her which might not have any 0.0001 percent chance of being true .....I don’t think u really understood her.. coz u really think negatively about her....that was just my understanding!!!
Well now she told u wot she thought abt that old guy, he is just her friend and if hes that rich then y doesn’t she get married to him? y does she come to u again n again?..y does she call u again n again?..if u really get disturbed by attending her calls then tell her clearly that im moving on n she should also move on..n as she a Gemini..lol...she will understand it and will not call u again...you said “She has plenty of friends she could stay with.”..yeah true but but i think u didn’t get it hes a guy and an OLD guy and he was a friend so sometimes people prefer telling their things (especially when she was disturbed abt wot she was going through) to old people rather than their friend(s) (who are of the same age as her) and who might not give the right piece of advice as they don’t have the experience of life as old people do.
Where can she go?..where do you want her to go and live?..if there is a place where she can go then please do suggest her coz i don’t think she knows any place where anyone can keep her and her mum for as long as they want to stay in America.
Shes also not yet over you thats y she called you, you don’t need to call her, she also wants to see you happy thats y shes hesitant to call you...actually shes going through the same phase which u were going through few days back...u were disturbed then and now shes disturbed...the main difference is that she has realized this now that she has lost you forever.
good u have blocked her number...even if u see her in real life....just tell her " u were a happy person before u met her and all that u know is whenever she came in contact with u, she managed to make u unhappy. Even when u were together on good terms, she made u feel drained. It's really retarded of u to ever hope to be with her again. u can think of to not let her slip back into ure life"
Jas...are you a physchic?.....if so, you are kind of off. I do appreciate your opinons, though. and your time to post them. I know for a fact that she used me and then when she figured out this new guy was emotionally void and is basically a desperate loser who happens to have some money and will do ANYTHING to get and hold on to pretty woman...she then decided she would try to use both of us hence why she kept me as a backup plan...left all her underwear and other personal belongings at her house and ect. Her first question to me was do you still live in the house? Yeah, she would love to string both of us along....me for companionship and him for short term financial security. Even she doesn't desire to be with such a loser like that who would house a legally married woman and her mother who he barely knows. He is must be the biggest chump in the world besides me of course for also being used by her Of course...I would NEVER have anyhting to do with a legally married woman and especially her mother. Absolutely pathetic. She is already bored of him and labels him as a friend.
I understand her perfectly. By the way, she did say she loves me after I said I love her...and I do care very deeply about her still...yes love her even after realizing how much of a user she really is, but enough is enough.I'm sure a part of her did really care about me...but the other part of her...her evil side is much bigger than that small good part. Two of our neighbors told me point blank she told them she was only with me for her greencard. When I told her that one of the neighbos said this back when we got back together in that house...she said he was flat out lying. However after, Bonnie, a neighbor who she likes told my friend that she also point blank heard her say that...I told my ex wife this back when we talked a few days ago and she finally admitted to to saying something about her greencard but that they both misheard her. LMAO...funny how the story changes after Bonnie also said she heard her say that.
I also know that at some point in time my ex-wife will likely offer me an ultimatum that she will kill herself if we are not together again. I also know she is full of you know what.
The fact that she openly admits to using this guy to house her and her mother...told me this herself...speaks volumes about her true character. And I know she is giving him some action for this service...like I said before dispicable...she might as well be a prostitute. Seriously....what is the difference???
Like I said....thanks for your time and comments Jas, but I have been talking to a very good physchic lately who uses AP to check records and see her current motives, talk to spirits, and see possible future scenarios. He has told me everything accurately about our situation without me giving him any clues whatsoever. He also told me that shpuld I ever go back to her, she will be the eventual case of my death in one way or the other...something to do with drowning. I wish I could change the way she is, but I am not willing to completely sacrifice myself and everything I stand for to do that...I owe my family...the people who really love me...a lot more than I owe her.
at our house I meant to say in that first graph
No problem, good luck to u then with ure psychic!!!...
If hes free then good if not then wots the point of spending money on psychic for a person who u have left n whom u don't see the future with.
No, he is free and only wants to help. The truth hurts like hell, but regardless, it is good to know the truth.