Advice about Cancer man and his shell

  • I want to know the best way to handle the whole "shell" thing. Honestly I'm not the man chasing type and his whole retreating thing is really making me want to walk the other way. However he's a really good guy. I do like him and think it may be worth pursuing. We've been hanging out etc for a few weeks. We have awesome chemistry and we both expressed how much we liked each other. He said some pretty heartfelt things about what he feels about me and then the next day I didn't hear from him for a week .he stopped calling. He is dealing with some issues so after reading about the crabs here I expected him to retreat. He did call about 2 days ago. He apologized etc and briefly went into why he's been so distant. I didn't blow up at him or scolded him for his rude behavior even though I really wanted to put him in his place.

    My confusion now is how to deal with the shell. If he keeps this up I will lose interest in him even though I may not want to because he's not providing the attention and admiration that I need from a partner. I don't know if I should be reassuring him somehow that I'm intersted and care about him or if I should just leave him alone and speak to him only when he contacts me. The latter is completely against my nature but I may use that route only if I feel it may be worth it in the long run.

  • He is too hard to read.I understand you verywell cuz i am aries.He has deep feelings and we can't handle with it because we are fire sign.I created a topic as same as your problem.I wan't to help you but i can't.Fire signs need to talk but when he backs into his shell it is imposible to talk.I know leo girls ,you are strong and charming woman.(my sister is leo).You are naturally givers when you love someone.You can do all the things for your love.Cancers need to encourage all the time but you'll be tired doing this .They are so kind,lovely but ..really confusing.I know leo woman will lose interest if he wants you to do alot effort.If you really love him you have to handle this 'shell' thing.He will never change.It's his nature.You have to deal with it.He gives you attention but if you lose your interest it's done.He lose you.Try to be patient,give him space try to understand his moodiness....But i am afraid you 'll say "that's enough" one day.You are strong girl try to find yourself and make up your mind before it's too late.

  • In my experience most Cancers often had me walking away felling like "what just happened".I give them a wide berth mostly because I would feel "attacked" when my guard is down(woman cancers too) and as far as men... too moody and way too much work. But that is me. I do not like to twist myself up like a pretzel to try and be someone else for anybody just to have them in my life. I would highly recommend you just going on w/ your own life and taking your focus off of him. Cancers are not the only ones who tread backwards. Personally I found the push pull maddening. Try to see the amount of energy your investing in "figuring him out". Is he worth this? You deserve to be able to just be yourself, if you lose interest then it's not meant to be and that may be a good thing.

    Cheers P

  • Pfree, great advice there.

    It took me way too long to figure out , that he is too much hard work.

    The best thing he did for me was not contact me again! I feel a huge

    weight lifted from me, I still have a little bit of healing to do, but I kinda

    feel liberated now, I allowed him to drain me emotionally.

    I will NEVER date a cancer man again, sorry, but thats just me.

    Everything people have written on these forums ABOUT CANCERS is true. I think I have only

    read very very very few success stories with these men. (VERY RARE).

    Good luck lionessj85 ITS NOT EASY!!

  • lionessj85,

    I want to know the best way to handle the whole "shell" thing: tread the simple path of least resistance, making swift and blameless progress.

    My confusion now is how to deal with the shell: Making an offering will seal your good fortune.

    You should let the gravity of this local hero draw you near.

    You could not manage simply say the

    truth would have been the right thing: "Whether it goes

    against you does not matter

    -- I have to be my own truth. If it goes against

    your truth, that is your problem, it is not

    my problem."

  • Lioness-

    I am also a Leo, dealing with a cancer guy for a year and a half. He first retreated about a year ago after months of being extremely affectionate to me and giving me tons of attention (Leos need attention, you know that). That's when i found this website and found out about the cancer shell thing and that most cancer men do their disappearing act.

    For a leo this is really hard, we want the attention and communication. cancers get overwhelmed and retreat. When I get overwhelmed I want to hash it out and express it all. This will not be the first time, at least he called and apologized, but it will happen again and again and I don't know if you want to put up with that. Mine retreated for 4 months and I let it go. he said he needed space because he was dealing with issues about work and depression etc that had nothing to do with me. Now he wants to see me again after 4 months! You see, they don't have a normal concept of time. During these 4 months I dated other men (nothing serious), flirted with a lot of men and got some minor attention and went on with my life. I'm not going to wait around for someone who is going to keep retreating and only contact me when he is in the mood.

    It's up to you to decide if he's worth putting up with but it's going to be a roller coaster ride if you do. You will have moments of bliss with a long stretches of frustration. Cancer men tend to only think about THEIR feelings so he'll most likely only contact you and be with you if he's in the mood, and they have a tendency to get overwhelmed easily with "issues". Think about your own needs, I would get out before you get too hooked, they seem to have these little crab claws that hook into your heart when you don't even notice and once hooked it's hard to unhook yourself.

  • Thank you all for your advice. I've read many threads here about the matter and needless to say I was not surprised when he went missing. He says he was hurt really badly by his ex girlfriend and I'm now thinking if this is the way you treated her well no wonder she left. I know myself pretty well and even if I do hang around for the next few months or year even and he continues this way, which we all know he will, I will break his heart. I need that attention from whoever i'm dating and once I don't have it I'll be looking elsewhere for it so, It's for the best. I don't like mind games and being selfish. This " i'll do it when I want to" concept is beyond me. There is little or no consideration for the other person. I cannot continue to stroke someones ego with reassurance and admiration for too much longer with the sentiments being returned. Lets be honest my ego is big enough for the both of us. It really is unfortunate for him. He doesn't realize how wonderful life with could be me. He admitted to me he thinks I'm the "complete package".....see folks there goes my leo But it's true. I chose him and if he doesn't want me and he won't be there the way he needs to be so we both can be satisfied then it won't work. I did send him a message earlier today telling him I miss him and want to see him tomorrow. I'm sure I'll get no response and if that does happen then that'll pretty much seal the fate of this non-relationship. I'll keep you guys updated if anything happens tomorrow.

    It's so nice to have people to vent this stuff out with. I understand people are people regardless of signs and stuff but damn it, it has a lot to do with it! Again thank you all sooo much for your advice to this thread and all the others that I've enjoyed reading over the past few months.

  • Lioness I sense you are a very strong woman and need a strong man beside you. This man is too washy washy, if you can handle it great but I feel you could do much better and find a more emotionally stabled man who can take the lead at times. Go with your initial instinct on this one. 😉

  • Ok so followup to my last post......

    Like I said I didn't expect a response to the message I sent him....and well I didn't get one at that time.

    The next day he sent me a message telling me he missed the message and wants to hang out with me again. I just said ok. I guess he sensed my fustration with everything. I told him it seems he's not interested anymore. He says thats not it at all and he's just trying to sort things out and he wants me to be patient with him. I told him I'm trying to be but its difficult . he said he understands and he tried to reassure me he still cares etc..etc.....

    So I'm going to of course attempt to be patient and relax. I'll try not to overanalyze his every move or lack thereof. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to just sit and wait for too long because its against me nature but like I said in my first post I think he just may be worth it so we'll see. If I'm still around after things smooth out with him, I'll have that "talk" and make my decsion about him at that time.

    Once again thanks for your helps guys 🙂

  • I agree with Luazinha, they hook their claws in you without you even noticing...I dated a Cancer for about 8 months, talk about a roller coaster ride...I too lionessj85 got the "my x girlfriend hurt me really bad"...gosh we probably dated the same would call and be all sweet, we would hang out, then I wouldn't hear from him for days or weeks...then he would call again tell me he misses me, and cares about me...then the next day he would not anything to do with me...put me me just wasnt a good scene...then i finally broke away and he sucked me back in again about a month ago....then was again told he didnt want anything to do with me...accused me of being with all these just was not much as I cared for him and still think about him....I had to run...he is in his mid 30's....and not going change...hes a predator and i really dont have anything against the cancer male...I just dated one who was a jerk...good luck and I hope it works out for you....

  • Well, I am th eodd woman out here, my cancer guy and I have been dating for almost 10 months now and I can honestly say, he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I know this is rare, but I think it has its roots in the fact that our signs do complement one another. That and our age and our past experiences.

    I know what I am experiencing is not the norm. However, from when we met 2 1/2 years ago, we struck a chord even then. However, I am not looking for a committed relationship. As a matter of fact, I am not sure I ever want to get married again. I really like things the way they are. So, with that said, I really do feel that this could all change at any given moment.

    I'm sure I am not much help here, but, I guess I feel it is important to know that, regardless of who you are in a relationship with. I think there should be an obvious knowing that it is right or wrong, simply based on your initial compatability with that person. In my experience and opinion if a relationship is taking that much effort in the beginning, I would say that it is really not worth it..

  • Taurus I'm happy that you relationship is going great, essentially isn't that what we all want? lol My cancer really is a nice guy with great qualities. One thing that I've realized over the past few week or so is maybe the whole shell thing is driving me crazy because of me not him. It's hard to sorta explain. Throughout this I can honestly say I don't believe he's lying to me etc. It's a little difficult for me to trust men and I mostly feel that they're generally lying about everything and are complicated beyond the likes of which I care to understand. I guess the dischord is how we express our feelings differently and i kinda think my way is the only way to do it, but obviously it's not. I'm putting way more thought into this than is actually required and thus sending myself off the Even if my ordeal with dating this cancer man doesn't come out to anything, the lessons I'm learning now will definately help in the future.

  • lioness - I think that is a great way to look at it. I really do. I will say this, cancers are very complicated to themselves. But, from what i have been seeing is, the simpiler I am, the easy my cancer is. I love simplicity. i hate drama, I hate emotional unbalanced wishy washy stuff. So, after my horrid marriage, simplicity is refreshing. i'll let him be the complicated complex one, which he is, but mainly inwardly. And, it seems that my quest for my own inner peace and simplicity creates a very desirable place for him to walk in if you will.

    He has ducked into his shell a couple of times, but it was very brief. One of our favorite things to do, besides....S*x...sorry to lay beside each other and just be. Relax, rejuvinate if you will.

    remember this, cancers have the hard shells, bc on the inside, they are very soft. Which is a relally cool trait to have. And, to experience.

  • right on phfree i think lol but yes i feel the same i find it so hard to keep up this act well i found it hard but now that i show my emotions like getting pissed when we have a wonderful time and he doesnt even call the next day etcetc he acts totally creeped out he liked when i patiently awaited his return and asked no questions but honestly he has taught me patience whoopdi doo

  • I'll try not to let my expierence with this cancer taint my view of all them. He came back and disappeared again. So I deleted his number from my phone all email and contact I have of him. I'm not going to be available at his convienence, I deserve much more. So I've moved on dating again. But goodluck to all of you. Cancer men seem to be too much effort and I want to spend my time in an equal relationship.

Log in to reply