Confused about cancerian partner...(warning: LONG), any insight MUCH appreciated

  • Hi,

    I am a cancer female (the cusp of cancer/leo) but feel I identify more with Cancerian personality traits. My partner is born a day before me. I have never dated a cancerian before, but I am currently hurting and confused about his behaviour...

    We started getting to know each other in September last year, online. He seemed very interested in me, very friendly and very keen to get to know me better. We talked online a lot, then progressed to texts and phone conversations. I am not one for long phone conversations, and he told me he is a generally quiet person (which I found to be true), but we connected and would talk sometimes for a couple of hours at a time.

    We met up in November and started officially "dating" in December when he invited me to his work Christmas party. We had been getting closer and closer all this time, texting/calling every second day if not every day, and becoming more affectionate physically, verbally, emotionally. From mid-December we started seeing each other every weekend and the weekend after Christmas we made love for the first time.

    In January, I came across his ex’s page on facebook and discovered that she still had on there that she is in a relationship with him. She had added photos in December (I don't know when they were actually taken) of him and her. I asked him about this and he said it sounded a little crazy. He said he does not use his fb and thought his ex didn't really, either. He told me the only thing he could think of is that she is trying to save face with her family. I asked him whether she would have reason to believe they were still together, or whether he's still friends with her/keeps in contact. He told me he doesn't remain friends with exes, she is an acquaintance if anything but he does not meet up with her or speak to her. I asked him why he couldn’t just log on and cancel the relationship himself. He said he doesn’t use fb and he feels uncomfortable talking to her about the status because she was on anti-depressant, may not be being truthful to her parents about them breaking up, and that her parents and she were convinced he would marry her and start a family before he's finished uni. He told me he doesn't want me to worry about this.

    So I believed him. The thought crossed my mind that I was the "other woman", but I dismissed it because he introduced me to his work friends and a couple of other friends, he would let me stay over at his place, leave things there, and even left his phone with me a couple of times (I did not go through it because I feel this would be an invasion of privacy, and I trusted him).

    Since February he has been acting strange. Between now and then his calls have been getting more and more rare, he rarely texts, answers my calls VERY rarely, and only replies to emails occasionally. I have asked him a few times whether I have done something to upset him or if there is anything he wants to talk about. He has kept saying he doesn't know why he gets like this. At first he said he was avoiding his phone altogether because he was not speaking to his mother at the time and said he ends up shutting everyone out when he is trying to avoid one person. He will only contact me at the last minute (like, on the day or a couple of hours before) when I am supposed to see him. Usually he will be able to see me but a couple of times he has not gotten back to me and only let me know last minute that he can’t meet up. When we do see each other it is lovely and although he is sometimes quiet, he will still treat me nicely and we will have fun together.

    Two incidents which got to me, are: on Valentine's day we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his, and I would make him a special lunch. I had met his brother the night before and his brother seemed to know who I was. At this stage my boyfriend was still apparently not speaking to his mother. On Valentine's Day, after breakfast he told me he needed to go and see his mum because his brother was bugging him about it. I was quite upset because we had made plans, but I also felt that it would be nice for him to reconcile with his mother on v-day (when she would have been alone too). So I sulked a little but let him go.

    The second incident was last weekend when I went to his place on saturday to hang out and help him with an assignment. He was procrastinating and we got no assignment done. He was extra affectionate. He then had to go to work in the evening and I had a friend's party to attend. Afterwards I slept over. He had told me the previous day that he was going to continue his assignment on the sunday. After breakfast on the sunday we had a shower and as soon as we got out he told me he had to go. I was surprised and said, "I thought you were going to do your assignment." He said he would do it at uni and had to meet up with classmates there to work on it. I sulked again because I didn't know he would leave me so early in the morning. Anyway, we both left his place after I had a little talk with him about how I feel when I don't hear from him during the week (I had brought it up with him another time before this). He again said he does not know why he does this, that I shouldn't take it personally and assured me if he wanted to end things he would tell me. He said he would "tell me later" what was wrong.

    I saw him on the tues night again for a couple of hours but he was being strange. He was paying attention to the tv and started being childish and talking over me about irrelevant things when I tried to talk to him about us communicating. When I asked how he went with his assignment, he said they hadn't gotten much done so would continue it later tonight. I laughed off his childishness and unwillingness to once again tell me what is bothering him. But then I tried to get intimate with him and after kissing for a little bit, he laughed and rejected me, saying he needed energy for the gym the next day. This surprised me because we have always been very intimate, and regardless of the lapse in communication over the last few weeks/his not being open with me about what is going on to make him act the way he has been, we have always connected when we have made love.

    So I was uneasy later on in the evening and couldn't help myself. I looked at his ex's page on fb and there were photos up of a family bbq she went to on the bf was in one of the photos. It also had a post up about her sister's birthday being at a particular venue on saturday (the sat that has just passed). I was upset that he had lied to me but did let him know I knew. I was afraid that he would be afraid of speaking to me if I told him I knew he had lied.

    I was out at a gf's birthday on the Saturday that just passed, but one of my close gfs who I had told what had been going on, suggested we go to this bar to suss out if my bf was there. Bf had told me he was going to his workmate's birthday drink-up. I trusted him and really did not think we'd see him at this other bar, but he was there...with his ex-gf and her sister's group of friends. My heart was beating so fast but after a little while I had the courage to tap my bf on the shoulder when he was walking back from the bar, with the group. He turned around and then turned right back around as if he didn't even know me. I was so hurt and shoved him, hard enough for him to know I was upset, but not so hard that the person in front of him (his ex-gf) would feel it.

    When they all got outside he pretended he got a phone call and went to the other side of the outdoor area. I followed him and was able to speak to him briefly. We kept walking in and out and the whole time he was pretending to be on the phone with someone. He said he was sorry and he couldn't talk right now, that he was here with someone. I sarcastically asked if it was his ex. He said something about not wanting to hurt me and I asked him why he didn't just tell me. He said he would talk to me later. He said he would come and talk to me and would call me the next day, that he did not want to create a scene. I told him that I did not want to create a scene and said, "How do you think I feel? I was watching you for ten mins and couldn't say anything". He said it is not as bad as it looks and that he would call me tomorrow. I said I did not want to discuss it over the phone, so he said alright we'll talk in person but I'll call you tomorrow after I wake up. So my friend and I left the bar.

    I did not hear from him yesterday. I have a feeling I won't hear from him at all. I am so confused as he did all these things to indicate that he is with ME, but then he goes and lies about seeing his ex. It is making me wonder whether he went to see her on Valentine's Day, also. I do, in my heart of hearts, want to trust him but I want to know what has been happening. He said it wasn't as bad as it looked, but I am wondering why he hasn't called to explain, if that was the case.

    As a cancerian myself, I know I am very loyal to my partner. From the beginning, I have let him know how much I care, with my words and gestures, even when he has been scarcely communicating. I don't like hurting people but I do manage to tell the truth and be upfront about important things that involve potentially hurting another person, and throughout our relationship I have been upfront about how I feel about him. I don't know what action to take - whether to wait (possibly in vain) until he's ready to talk, or to assume that he was too much of a coward to break up with me. In any case, I would like to try and understand why (up until last tues) he continued to be affectionate and intimate with me, if he couldn't be honest with me about hanging out with his ex. Perhaps I AM the other woman, after all!

    Any advice on what I should do next? I have lots of things at his place that I would like to get back eventually,, being an emotional/sensitive cancerian myself, I have been crying, barely eating and having very disturbed sleep the last few nights because I feel so hurt...I just want answers, but how do I get them if he won’t contact me (and will potentially reject my calls)? How do I get them without doing something borderline-stalkerish (like rocking up at his place unannounced, to talk and get my things)?

    Help, please!

  • note: I meant to write I DIDNT' let him know that I knew he lied to me about where he was last sunday (saying he went to uni to work on an assignment, but was in the photo of his ex's family bbq)

  • This does not sound good at all... if I were you I would contact him asking when you can collect your things and that might give him the chance to explain but it definitely sounds like things aren't over with his ex. I mean... he says he's barely on speaking terms with her but then he's at a bar with her? Yeah... no.

  • Oh boy

    Darling Confused,

    Somewhere in you, you know you deserve better girl. She's not the ex. He ignored you to your face.

    Let me guess the excuses:

    She is depressed/crazy/delusional and can't let go/going through a rough time/her cat died so he got back together to cheer her up/save her from suicide/protect the world from her wrath...

    He doesn't really want to be with her but she's so unstable he has no choice but to sacrifice himself for the greater good....

    Blah blah blah blah

    Sweetheart you are hurt and might not believe this now but there is a better man for you.

    Don't waste your time on this one.

  • he is definetly covering something up... and you have every right to get an explanation..... you need some sort of closure here...Cancerians tend to live in the past and remember the good moments... so probably he is not completely over his ex? They might have taken a break from each other but not officially? Therefore, maybe they pretend they are together, socially, but not in reality... hmm not sure...

    Anyway, you need to go get your stuff and demand an explanation... and then leave without any huge emotional scenes.... but make it clear to him that you have been hurt and that he has been very insensitive and selfish...

    But hopefully he has not been too deceitful and that you guys can sort it all out... hopefully there is some good explanation for this...

    let us know how things go...

    take care

  • Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. Diamond Diva, you are right about the she is crazy, depressed, walking on eggshells around the ex for the greater good. But when he explained that to me, he also assured me that they don't talk, meet up etc. But Saturday night proved otherwise.

    PlutoMoon, I do feel like I deserve at least an explanation. And I am a Cancerian in that I am finding it hard to let go of the good moments that he and I had, so I can't help but think that deep down he is a good person, but circumstance has made him act this way...I know this is probably just me being blind and hopeful.

    Vilette, I have decided that if I don't hear from him by the end of the week I think I will just text to say I'm picking up my things.

    I sent him a nice text on Monday to say that I was hurt and confused and just wanted to be able to talk to him about everything, and felt that that's the least I deserve. He texted back to tell me he had never been so disappointed with himself and wanted to work things out with me, and that he'd call soon. I don't know whether to believe it or not, but I think if he does want to, he will do so SOON. I know that some cancerian males have a strange sense of time where a week to them seems like a day, but if I'm waiting that long then I guess that will be my indication that he doesn't care about me or about us enough to hurry up and try to fix things.

    I at least feel a little better that I've heard SOMETHING from him, but still...I wish I could find otu what was going through his mind sigh

    Thanks again for all your thoughts...

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