Captain, I hope this is the right form you told me to post on.
Hi Captain, You told me to start a new topic, so here it goes, I’m sorry this is long but I felt you needed to know a little more about me. I don’t expect a answer or comment from you right away so I can be patient, I know that you are very busy on the other threads. I had tears running down my face as I read your observation about my partner because of the love I feel inside for him.. I want my relationship to work, for the first time in my relationships I had found P. I wanted to do everything differently this time. My past relationships were unhealthy for both sides…But I had to own my part to get past my demons. At 48 I finally knew what I wanted and didn’t want. I made a list for myself and a list for a future partner…As I wrote my list for myself I had learned allot about myself, and some of it wasn’t very nice….I think for any relationships to work we have to change our behaviors first…Just my opinion of course. I had to step back and have an open mind to except I was not a victim or knew all the answers, which again put me in a place of learning more about myself, instead of always complaining about what my past relationships were, I had to look at my contributions to the relationships…Yes, the past relationships were abusive, but I had to ask myself why? Why did I allow the abuse and or to be used again in the next relationships.
P and I are truly a love story, I would like to share with you. First a little about my last relationship before P.
My daughters daddy died of an overdose, in November of 2006, which of course I was in denial about him using drugs, I found him in a abandon house unconscious and the heard the alarms go off as I walked into ICU, I thought he was my soul-mate, after he died, that was over 3 years ago, I went into a deep depression, my daughter was 6 at the time…I felt dead inside, and she didn’t have a mommy present because of my grief. Sure I was there but only the shell of a body. I never thought I would want anyone again in my life (Grief will do that) so my little girl was now without her daddy, and her mommy was as low as one human being could get. I cry as I write this because again I’m opening up old wounds that haven’t healed completely, you know that should have, “that if only voice.” Fast forward, now. I started to pray again, I lost that faith when my partner died so it was a double whammy. I gained so much weight, comforting myself with food. I began to walk and started back on my journey through life again. I felt peace again and began to see some hope for a better life..I was showering, cleaning house and eating better and of course being a mommy again. I stop being a martyr and I started going to meetings and socializing again with friends..I was laughing and smiling before I knew it, but I was in NOWAY!!!! Looking or ready for a relationship, sure I was lonely but that’s when I started to work on myself in January of 2009. In the beginning of March of 2009 I was loosing my weight for myself and putting on make up again, making a list of affirmations, looking in the mirror, searching every article I could find on healthy relationships, self esteem, affirmations etc. forgiving myself, letting go of the guilt and anger. It was like me, but a new woman emerges that knew what she wanted in life and of course not wanting, I wanted to be happy… But it was a different kind of happiness, I started to love myself for the first time ever in my life, all the shame of being sexually abused as a little girl, physically, mentally, and verbally as an adult, started to leave. My spirituality began a new course. It was around the first week of March 2009 I decided to join a well known site that you could meet up with old friends and class mates. (P had joined at the same time)But I didn’t know this, at that time. There were many classmates that wanted to add me as their friend and vice versa. Well, I met P again, I say again because P and I went to the same high school together and hung around in the same groups but never being together, we just happened to be at the same parties and some classes together. We didn’t hang out or even have conversations. We just knew of each other. P sent me a message and asked , you know, the typical questions, how’s life, do you have children, married what I have been up to since our 2oth reunion etc… Embarrassed now, “don’t remember too much of that reunion” or even him for that matter. (Drinking then, its now almost 13 years since I have had a drink of alcohol) I was known as the party girl.) At first, I couldn’t remember P, I would never tell him that though ,I had to look at his picture, then had to pull out my grade 12 year book, from 1978.
So I responded back and told him about my sons who were 21 and 22 and my daughter who was 9. And about my partner that died and I was not in a relationship, I asked him the same questions back..
I hope this isn’t too long or boring, I ‘m a writer and sometimes I keep going and going not knowing when to end.:).
He responded back and told me he has never been married, no kids and that he lives in the basement suite of his parents home, then he asked if I wanted to meet up someday and have coffee. Holy $%$% I was taken back, I took a couple of days to respond..Was I ready, was he gay, hehe, because he told be his longest relationship lasted 6 months and he had been single for a log time. He still lives at home at 49, so many questions. Well I responded and ask him instead of coffee can we go near the water, it had been along time and being by the water was something I loved and missed. He got back to me and gave me his phone number, I thought to myself again, what’s this about, “he asked me for coffee why should I call him.”(I found out after , that he thought it was more appropriate for him to give me his number instead of asking me for mine)
Well I did call him, and we set a date for April 7th 2009, he was going to take me to light house park. I was eating really healthy so I packed some snacks, strawberries, yogurt, grapes, and veggies. Little did I know those were his favorite foods, he ate very healthy, played soccer since high school (my favorite sport) road his bike everywhere and loved nature. I met him at his house so we could take his car to the park, when I stepped out of my car, shaking, nervous, wanting to puke lol. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I looked at his deep brown eyes and felt something I have never ever felt before. I fell in love that day with a stranger but not a stranger, he started talking about his group of friends from high school and I knew these guys well, because I partied with them all…So it was like we had a history but not a history of being girl friend boyfriend kind,
God we laughed, like two 16 year olds, his hand brushed across mine and we lied there holding hands, like we had been together for years. We both turned at the same time and our lips met each other and fire began to build in my body. “OK,” I thought to myself “it’s probably because I had not been touched by a man in a long time and my hormones were screaming TAKE ME NOW!!!!! Just thought I would throw that In LOL..”It was 11 months on March 7th our year anniversary is coming up April 7th. We have never missed a phone call to say good night to each other. We have had lots of learning curves, but all the tears I have cried are worth more than Gold. We have been out with our class mates and they are sooo happy for P because they are all married and P had been the single one….We all laugh because, we all say, who would have thought Sheila and P together….God, I love him so, and I know he loves me, he shares our story with everyone. As far as the snob part and me doing all the giving, there is truth to that, I am a caring, loving soul and have been take advantage of my ways. P was very scared of committing at first, I guess so being single that long, will do that to you, but he has brought me more laughter, adventure, caring, helping, and having the same spiritual values that its hard to see some of the negative aspects (him, being selfish at times, not really knowing what a relationship is, nor do I for that matter, but we communicate our feelings really well. Captain my relationship scares me at times because I give way too much, and not knowing how to back off a little. He is not a material man that’s for sure, but he saves his pennies. I know he’s afraid of marriage because he might loose his money, we have talked about this fear of his.
I’m waiting highpriestess3 to do a astro reading on us, I truly believe in all of you with your God given Gifts, Thanks for listening Captain, anything you can offer will not offend me one bit.
Hugs Sheila xoxo
Shatz, it really sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself, not me, that this is a fantastic relationship. Why would you even have to ask here about it if it is so good? You must have doubts.
I wish I could say different, but I don't believe this man will ever fully commit to you.
Wow,thanks for your quick response,
"sorry that I sounded that I was asking you to validate what i felt,." That was not my intention. I guess if I had to be trully honest with myself, I would have to "yes" I have doubts.Thats why I posted to get your feelings on the picture of us from your other post.
Shatz, I feel like you tend to over-romanticize or idealise every man you meet into some sort of perfect mate. I don't feel you ever see your partners as they really are.
Wow, you have hit the nail, our last conversations were of my partner and I photos, I have been crying all day...trying to figure out what to do with the love of my life who has commitment issues like u said. I am a romantic, thats because of all my past history, I will never give up on that, its all i have.My heart is huge and sometimes it causes me allot of heart ache. I know my man loves me,i keep questioning if thats enough.
he doesn't want to get married, and living together would take him from his comfy suite under his parents,they need him. .They are elderly.
i was going to write more on my topic thread i started for you, so this is where i found you today.
This relationship is the healthiest i have ever had, i can't speak for him but i do know that I'm his longest ,just celebrated our year on the 7th.He is somewhat immature when it comes to relationships, and I'm no expert. My heart does feel like I'm grieving and you were so right, I don't want to loose him and i feel like I'm betraying him right now. by talking about him...Its funny when I was upset about something i would shoot him an email...then i have been working really hard to state my feelings as they come up.He has helped me with that. But being a writer the words come much easier than talking it out.
Thanks again captain
Sheila, you have to face the fact that this man is inherently selfish and wants to live his life just the way he wants it without compromising for you or anyone else. It may be the healthiest relationship you have ever had but it still isn't close to what you deserve. I have to wonder if you really feel you deserve a better partner at all. This man is still an abuser - an emotional one. He takes advantage of your need for love to take what he wants and leave the rest.
But I feel that the real attraction to this man may be because he is uncommited and that deep down you don't really want a man around you all the time - if at all. You need to get in touch with your deepest desires to find out if your soul is not calling out for some time alone to heal instead of throwing yourself into relationship after relationship where you think you will find the healing you need. It lies inside you through self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, not outside through other people.
I see a friendship here but no deep love at least from him - can you really say you have been 'together' for seven years when he is so noncommital? There have been other women during this time for him.
I don't mean to sound brutal but before you can find real equal love, you have to face the truth.
"Its been one year," that we have been together.
and before him. My daughters dad died, tragically, and i took 3 years to grieve and to find out what i had to offer someone and what I wanted...I had to look really hard at my self, and why was I attracted to these men. I stayed away from all men and worked on myself...Then poof I met P. I know he hasn't had long term relationships, because he just doesn't get it or hes a good player and yes I have noticed he can be selfish, i just thought it was a Sagittarius trait....
So now, i can break two hearts or send him and email on what i expect and if he can't fulfill that then i have to walk away.
Thats were you sensed my grieving from.
Thanks Captain ,I look only for the truth.
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Wow, your book is out of stock, Sheila. That must be a good sign. I will definitely look into this company.
Send your email and see what the response is because I feel your friend is quite happy for things to remain as they are.
Thanks captain,My man came over last night and we had lots of tears mostly him...I'm going to lean back a bit and not initiate and concentrate so much on the whys, and MY insecurities...I guess it all stems from early child hood wanting love so bad, I'm from a family of 12, totally dysfunctional. I am # 10 in my family.
I wanted to talk about about spirit Guides if you have a minute free:) I believe I have three I don't know why, I have also named my guides, Is that strange or can it be just wanting to have the feeling that someone knows me and loves me, with no strings attached and loves me with no conditons...At 49 sometimes I feel like a child who is lost in this big world....
there are two siblings younger than me
There's nothing wrong with naming your guides but know that they will change as you change. You can have many teacher/guides throughout your life as you reach new levels of understanding.
I truly believe that Captain, I remember a saying I'll never forget
"WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR"
On another subject, please keep me informed on your book:)
Thanks all all you do.
Only when you have time , I know that anyone with gifts like yours can get drained if doing too much xo
Captain, it seems weird to call on someone when were using anonymous names hehe
I asked twinsoul this ? and she told me to come to you, WOW you have amazing gifts...I have been known to see beautiful golden shadows not all the time but enough to know I'm surrounded by Angels or spirits...First I was totally freaked out but after it felt so good.
The past week or so, I am totally freaked, A tall dark shadow went into my 10 year olds room, how do I no this, I was sitting on the toilet (I know too much info) her door slammed with a gust of wind) I freaked I went in there right away and she was snoring and alright but I had chills go right through me, so i asked who ever it was to go and leave us alone he/she were in the wrong place. Then just the other night someone was hovering over me again i asked them to leave, then I asked my angels to surround us with their brightness light. I guess I fell a sleep. I did a sage smudge the next day throughout the house and walk around with my candle, to every room....
I have had so many deaths and I thought ,well maybe my dad or my daughters dad were trying to tell me something..
I don't know Captain, but maybe when you thought I was grieving about something the other day, maybe thats what it is.
I am totally drain still, and my fibromialga has knocked me on my ass, and its been several months since my body has been like this...Even in the day my house is totally lit up by the sunshine when its not raining, someone is watching me! I just keep surrounding me and my daughter with Love and light.
Thanks again Captain
Don't get caught up by thinking that light means good and dark means bad. Sometimes dark just means hidden or confused. There are many spirits attracted to younger people as they can be more open than adults. I don't feel the dark spirit you saw was evil, just lost and attracted to your daughter's light. These souls need help, not fear.
Your fibromyalgia is caused by your feeling like a victim and it gets worse when you feel it more on the days when you reflect on your life in a negative way. You literally ache from your pain. Try to dwell on the good things that have happened to you rather than the bad. In fact, it is all good because you have learned lessons and grown and evolved. Your rough edges have been rubbed off through your suffering until you are becoming a precious jewel.