Cancer friend always rejecting me! HELP!
I have become very close friends with a very sweet and loving cancer...so I thought. Being a pisces, I have had many close cancer associates, most, if not all, have been very close to me and have kept in contact with me forever.
So I met yet another cancer who is now my friend (I think) and like the other cancers in my life, it was an instant bond when we first met. It took a while for this to blossom, and it has been quite rewarding for both of us. Now I know being a pisces we get a bad rap for "giving all of ourselves" right away, that we are too trusting, etc... but let me tell you, this is far from the truth. As a pisces, we instinctively know right from the get-go when we can trust someone or not. If we never feel that connection with you from the very beginning, you will never know us. never. If we do happen to see/feel it, you will be let in and loved, and loved for all eternity.
Anyhow, back to my story with my sweet crab... we have a connection that cannot be expressed. It is so strong that we know what eachother is feeling, thinking...without saying a word. When it's good, it's good, but when it goes bad...well...that is another story... and I need some help here in how to deal with him. He gets really mean and snappy so to me this signals that he wants me to go away, so I do... he withdraws so far within himself that no one could possibly reach him...but then he drags me back...acting like nothing ever happened. Then the cycle starts all over again. I once called him out on it and asked him if he could at least meet me in the middle and prompt me when he is going to retreat for a while so that I know that I didn't say anything or screw anything up, and he has failed to do so. He is very indirect so I can't talk to him openly about this, even though I am willing to, he is not. That is what has got me so confused when we are on this crazy cycle... Because he is so indirect I don't know if he wants me to go away for good and does not have the heart to tell me, or if he is just being snappy and grouchy but really needs me to just be patient with him until he works it out... What does this all mean? I am willing to be here for him I just want to understand so that I can go away if that is what he wants me to do... I can't ask him straight out because that is not how he works... please help!
wow, I had to comment on this because this sounds exactly like the Cancer I'm dealing with. there are a couple of good threads around here that can really help you. Unfortunately, I can't help too much, I'm a Scorpio woman involved with a Cancer man myself, and he's ignoring me at the moment. from what I know, Cancers have a big habit of going back and forth and retreating into their shells. sometimes it's about you, but a lot of times it's not. right now my cancer boy is driving me absolutely insane. another thing I've learned is that you have to have about THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS much patience with them. they are hard to understand and they don't contemplate time the same way we do. I wish you well.
Thanks ScorpVirgo...Actually, this is funny.... I have a very good friendship with a Scorp man that we both know and my crabby is extremely jealous of the openness (bluntness I mean) that my scorp buddy and I share... my scorp bud and I share a connection, just not in the same way, but both scorp I know that we cannot hide from each other so we just lay it out on the table (not to mention that I am a leo rising so my sun is in the 8th house of scorpio, scorp buddy and I both know eachother's grueling testing so we skipped all of that)... and to me I think, well crabby, if you want that, OPEN up to me! Stop sulking about it!
I am sorry to hear about your situation, I really am. This crabby is just my buddy, I couldn't even IMAGINE going through this with someone I was romantically involved with and if he treats his potential relationships with women the way he treats me in our friendship, then my heart goes out to those women that have to endure this, MY GOODNESS!! Very strong you are... well, the scorp sun : ) And I am like you I guess, I hide my hurt extremely well... he has not the slightest clue how badly I am hurting right now.
I need definites in my life, and I just want to know if I should give up on our friendship (since he is so sensitive that he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings directly) or just wait it out...
Good luck with you and your situation! Please let me know what happens...
Yeah, I'm mostly the same way with my feelings/emotions. I hide them a lot and keep them within myself so people don't really see. I also feel the same when it comes to a Cancer opening up, but I've been told that they are like us. they expect US to open up FIRST and then they will sort of get more comfortable to open up to us. makes sense? I had TheCaptain do a reading for me and she told me that both my Cancer boy and I have smoke screens that we put in front of eachother. he's scared to open up to me, and vice versa. it's a hard situation dealing with Cancers. I'm going to have to be patient, that's what everyone here is telling me. I'm hoping for the best. It was pretty instant attraction with this guy. I'm also very much into definites in my life. I also always am like "I want it now". it's Scorpio nature to be that way. we have NO patience, LOL. I say you stick it out with this Cancer buddy of yours. he probably is just scared and doesn't know what your intentions are. If you have patience, he could be the best friend you would ever know. I have an ex who I was with for 4 years and he was a Cancer as well. we're still really good friends, and he's one of my closest and best friends.
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lol hi kel!
kel is an AWESOME cancer and gives great advice! I'm following what he says to the "T" while I'm dealing with my cancer situation
Thank you both : )
"Do you know if he likes you romantically? This could be the problem too...you know us water signs, there's a 10000 layers to us, you never know what's going on under our shell"
You know, I really couldn't tell you if he does or not, I HIGHLY doubt it based on the way he treats me... I am in a stable relationship with another cancer (yet he is emotionally balanced with an aquarius moon and both venus AND ascendant in analytical virgo) so my boyfriend cannot relate whatsoever to my crabby buddy's behavior, my long term crab boyfriend (of 5 years) is extremely black-and-white and does not play these guessing games. Crabby buddy is fully aware of my relationship and has never lead on if he is romantically interested... this is my piscean kryptonite, if you will, since I have a hard time telling when someone is interested in me. All other intentions yes, but romantic ones, completely disabled...
We have known each other for about 1 year. He has done this disappearing act on me before, and the first time he did it I immediately called him out on it. He apologized, acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, and tried to ignore it. So we agreed that the next time he wants to retreat that he would at least warn me... that didn't hold any weight because he did it just a few weeks after that. Again, I called him out on it and he acted all surprised and tried to ignore what I was saying, then asked me to give him an explanation of why I feel the way I do...so I poured out my heart to him, explaining that at the slighest hint of withdrawal that I can feel it and I just want to make sure that he is ok when he is in this phase since he is prone to self-hatred. After all, I do not feel threatened by him whatsoever. After "baring my soul", he had zero response. We just went along our merry way and I went along with him, ignoring what just happened.
Because he displays this peculiar behavior (and he has a soft, gentle heart he does not want to hurt me) I often feel like he is fake, trying to placate me to make me feel better. I feel as if I don't have him full-heartedly the way I did in the beginning. So I have a problem with that. I feel like he is not being completely honest with me. I told him long ago that if he had issues with me to just tell me, he won't hurt my feelings, just lay it on me... because when I see him in person, he is completely different. Mind you, his presence instantly relaxes me, puts me at ease, but since I feel everything he feels, I can feel immediately that I make him EXTREMELY uncomfortable when he is in my presence. He avoids me (physically) like the plague. I also called him out on this too and he gave me some crappy excuse about how he thought I was really pretty or whatever and he gets "shy"... I am not buying it one bit. He works with decent looking women and he has no problems with them. You see what I mean? Why should this matter if we are as good of friends as he says we are? His excuses do not match up to his actions. I also called him on this too. He actions are so different from his words. His words are very sweet and caring but they do not match his actions when I see him in person. In person his hands literally fly all over the place and I feel like I make him feel like a caged animal fearful for his life... I don't know about you but I actually like to spend time (physical) time with my friends I have never met someone who doesn't??? Yet he continues to tell me I appreciate our friendship, blah, blah, blah... he loses credibility with me by the way he acts.
Now I haven't talked to him since our last encounter where he wanted to run for his life (when we were in person) then proceeded to send me messages that very same day I left asking me to get in touch with him and hopes I made it home safe after I left the building...making excuses to get in contact with me so I got so frustrated with him that I said something 1/2 way snappy so he snapped back very strongly... he has done that before though and always wants me to come back... I am just getting really tired of this fakeness...
Bottom line: Because I cannot outrightly talk to him and ask him "hey, do you want to be friends or not, I just need to know because your actions do not match your words" I need to know if I need to do the work for him and just leave the scene. His actions all add up to "leave me alone" and his words say "please never leave me I need you" (literally, he has said that to me)
Your help is deeply, deeply appreciated
I have a Cancer Daughter that I thought would be my little soul mate.
She is now 24 years old.
She was the sweetness of my life all her young life.
Cancer, as Picses sometimes is unable to identify or verbalize their frustrations and Cancer, as some Picses also run from emotional turmoil. But most Cancers like my daughter will be cranky about what is bugging them. They need to retreat. They do not appreciate being brought out and having to verbalize their feelings.
Let him be when he needs the space.Let him act as if all is well when he returns. Cancer people are super, super touchy and volotile, as well as so sensetive as to actually hurt them. When things are quiet, gently bring up how you would like him to react, give him some other options that you can live with.
Then be patient as you are and knowing that people are so very fallable.
If you love him, as you said it will be eternal. If you can't stay over the long haul start to gently let him know why and how he can help you be there with him for as long as it will be.
Hope this helps
You were right on about the fact that sometimes they retreat and you are not always the reason. They can harbor stuff FOREVER
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Dear Tanya -
Thank you for sharing your experience with your cancer daughter. I'd have to say, you are pretty accurate there with how they cannot verbalize in words what or how they are feeling to successfully... My mother is a cancer and my best friend Sarah of 16 years is also a cancer. They do internalize quite a bit, and both shut me out when they are upset (and I realize it isn't because of me always), but to a certain degree, and they never COMPLETELY shut me out. I can at least get to the heart of the problem with both of them. Not my most recent crabby buddy though, when he shuts me out, he COMPLETLY shuts me out.
Dear Kel -
Thank you for your post. Based on your advice, I confronted crabby yesterday (I approached him first) and he was open to talk to me, but not completely open if you know what I mean. I basically told him that I was willing to do anything to make this relationship work, but I am confused to all heck with it comes to how he feels about me. I told him that in person I can feel him and how uncomfortable and flighty he gets, yet when I am not around him he acts as though all is well. I told him don't act like you don't know what I am talking about... His response (of course there were a few, here they are in sequential order):
1 - I don't know what to say, I do like to physically be around you and I don't know how to properly express that
2 - No offense, but I don't do well with "girls", don't take it personal
3 - I can't say what I am trying to say because I don't know how to
4 - I only act this way because I care about you
So I focused in on items #2 and 4. See how these are conflicting? Can you understand now how I am so confused? I feel like he is making excuses! I still feel like he is placating me! Am I wrong here?
So I am still at a loss here at square one. I will do anything for him and I plan on sticking it out for his friendship. And if he never comes around, so be it. I'll just have to move on.
Kel, lets just say for a minute that what you say is true and that he does have feelings for me... I have thoroughly expressed to him my interest in marrying my cancer boyfriend. He knows I love my cancer boyfriend, would there be a reason why he would like me even if I am unavailable? I guess I don't understand that part. And I don't want to hurt him, I want him to be happy. I mean, he openly talks to me about his dating/relationship life and his love interests, how is it possible for him to have feelings for me while he is pursuing other women? The girls are literally beating down his door (he is a cancer male, after all : ) ) why would he get attached to someone unavailable?
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I do get the whole "want what I can't have" thing, but aren't cancers notorious for avoiding the slightest hint of rejection? I mean, even when I poke fun with my crabby buddy, he takes it personally sometimes. So this is their sabotage I suppose? I would think he knows he has not a chance with me (not because he is not good enough, but because I am perfectly happy with my partner). I think the problem here is that I demonstrate my love for him (platonic love) openly and he is very contained, if he does have any feelings for me, be it platonic or otherwise, I don't think he'd express them very well. And I understand that. But I get the OPPOSITE from him based on his actions that scream "he doesn't want you, and is scared to tell you to split"...
Since the emotions are still running high from Saturday's encounter, I have backed off of him. He insists that he was happy that we had that talk, but I know better. That must have drained him emotionally (I am drained too). At this point, he has not contacted me (he normally contacts me every day), but its ok. Like I said, I am going to stick this out and will wait for him to get his situation worked out, and until then I will keep my distance.
I want to thank you for all of your insightful, helpful advice. Water, water, everywhere...like being lost out in the vast seas...but hey, you connected the dots here so there is some sort of sense of all these emotions in the end! Again, many, many thanks : )
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