Could he be dangerous, PLEASE any of you Help Me

  • Here is the story: I will try to make it brief, We dated for 6yrs 35yrs ago I loved him deeply, he was my second love as I had been married ..... my first husband had left me for an other and he moved to Europe with her and shortly after he died,...... left me and our 3 sons absolutely nothing but a broken heart ...2 yrs later I met GEORGE, I was 30 and he was 27, my sons where young teenagers as I had married at the age of 16 and had all 3 by the age of 19. I thought life was truly worth living again, but George was differrent he still lived at home a european background and many ways that I did not understand, but I loved him and I was hopeful. After 6 yrs I made a decision I had 2 sons that qualified for University and 1 finishing high school. I was always stressed out with my relationship although no matter what was happening with him I was still in love. I made a decision after 6yrs to move 500 miles away, and he said I WILL COME &VISIT YOU. He did I still loved him but I finally told him I WAS DONE THIS HAD TO END & IT DID, my doing. I married again, 9 yrs a man from europe , I am Canadian... That lasted 15 yrs and then it also ended NOT MY CHOICE, again I was very upset . OH, I must tell you that George never married and I never seen him again until 8 months ago. I also must tell you what our problem was back then::::: To brief it I was quality & he was quantity, YES he was very Cheap, very frugal unecessarly and I was struggling financially to provide for my children & household , there where times when I would work 60 hrs a wk........ He never Helped me, and I guess I thought it was my responsibility not his, Well here is where I am sitting today He sought me out , He has more movies and pictures of my children & I from that period than I do, He says he never married because I was the LOVE of his life He is still very Cheap and he is a Millionaire 2 times over.... because he does not spend......... We are both seniors now and I live again on a budget, although my children who are successful are very generous to me, but I live alone here as they all live in different parts of the world. I think I am concerned because we still get into arguments about WHY he won,t spend on things like buying me or anyone for that matter A gift for a special occasion if he does it,s a dollar store item He won,t take me for dinner anywhere cause it,s too expensive, ,he goes to the library for free movies anything free he is there, and I tell him this is not the way to live WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, YOU ARE RICH ,with that he tells me it is the PRINCIPAL that counts now he told me he put me in his will ...I DON,T CARE I WANT TO LIVE NOW . Right now I am feeling very concerned as my children who visit me as often as they can & vice-versa ,are not aware that he is worse than he was 35yrs ago. .. very controlling is where i want to say he is. I NEED ADVISE >> ANY QUESTIONS ANYONE Wants to ask me ..... I will gladly answer I AM IN A TURMOIL WITHIN MYSELF RIGHT NOW AND NEED YOUR HELP ................. THANK YOU .............. Leonida

  • Why are you waiting for someone else to help you live your life? I see a pattern of you searching throughout your life for a strong man who will keep you as you wish to be kept. As long as you search outside yourself for support and financial security, you will meet disappointment. You want George to be different to what he is. It's not love if you cannot accept someone as they are, flaws and all. In truth, you are trying to use George to provide you with material happiness.

  • Hello the Captain, I think you really misunderstood me ,I have never had excess money but.... I had children to raise on my own, and I spent a lifetime of being frugal so I could provide food and neccesities fo my little family. I just don.t undrstand someone who says I LOVE YOU, has money but won,t even visit me because he has to pay to park his car just as an example,I live simply but I am aware of the nice things in life as I taught my children to enjoy life, be kind and fair to others help anyone you can and if you have the opportunity to give to others what they don,t have then do it . And they do just that. Yesterday he complained as he does almost everyday about having to pay taxes on his interest even his Mother who is still alive has told him spend some of it........ you can,t take it with you. I AM NOT A GOLD DIGGER Ijust do not want to spend the rest of my life wondering if we can actually get to where we are going without worrying about whether there may be an extra cost such as parking the car .... you see him & i have planned for a week and we get there and there,s an unexpected fee it could be parking or entrance ect. and he becomes angry,the entire day is ruined there is nothing I can do or say, he won,t even let me pay, which I certainly would,,,, as why spoil the day and the time we could have together, I am rather surprised that you think I want to be a kept women, there where many other problems that I had with him .. Like controll issues he was a heavy drinker , very possessive,inmature ,self centered as he was very handsome, He used to take holiday,s with his buddies in south America and I would ask Him if we could do that and he would say

    Why would I take a sandwich to a banquet ... He still has that tone YOU see the cheap part is just the icing on the cake . the only difference today is that he is lonely and he needs me, he has no friends as they have all abanded him. so he tells me. He was living the life of a hermit until he met me again. I do,t know what to think so I tarted this forum to get some advise and help , I am feeling very down and depressed about all of this and I am afraid you have made me feel worse and this is deffinitely a first for you as you have alway,s made me feel better. I hope you understand that you have mis understood me. thank you for your answer..... Leonida

  • I want constructive advise, I also forgot to mention that he does thing s that are mean, LIke I am afraid of mice..... 3 weeks ago he sneaked a live mouse into my house and got great pleasure from the fact that I woke up & discovered it in my bathroom. that was the next day after he visited me. He said I sounded like his Mother , that is why I am asking the question Is he dangerous. ??????? I am starting to become frightened of him, and I have heard from sources that other women where concerned about his behavior towards them . I have spent the last 8 months giving him all the LOVE a women can give a man because I truly did love him and alwy,s will but LOve is not everything and I am very hurt again.

  • So, if you don't want material things from him and he is so mean and stingy and you even think he may be dangerous, why are you with him?

  • It's not love I am getting from you for him.

  • It's just that when I read back what you posted it all seems to be about money, budgets, frugality, stinginess etc.

  • Hi Leoniada,

    You have done so much in your life and you have been successful especially where your children are concerned and what you have had to do and put up with as well. you are brave, self sufficient and realistic.

    Maybe at this point of your life and with the children gone and with you not having to work like you used to (60 hrs etc) you are feeling lonely and would love to have company and someone to share wonderful days with you. I think all this is normal and you have normal wish and desires. With him you have familliarity and comfort (a past) and that is comforting and when you left and moved on you certainly found another wonderful individual to share your life and that of your family with you, regardless of what happened later. You need to do that again if in your heart of heart feel that this man has not changed and just wants you to put up with him the way he was and is.

    I belive you need to allow yourself to meet new people and adventures. You do not need to put up with anyone or anything you do not feel a 100 percent fine with whether it be material or otherwise. You have earned that right. So, be happy and look for someone else who can offer you all that you deserve and want to do. YOU and your children come first. Also, at this stage of life looks or things do not bring happiness or mean a thing but compatability, feelings of comfort, secure and acceptance do.

    I hope this helps and wishing you all the best and much happiness.

  • p.s I don't know if he is dangerous but after what you wrote he sure sounds silly, thoughtless and mean. (rat story)

  • hello Captain,Perhaps my initial letter sounded like that , but I think sometimes when a person is at a crossroad they might not be thinking clearly and expressing feelings of doubt and concern can become all muddled ... I think that is what happened here, Actually I find myself very much in- love with HIM again just like many yrs ago, and at that time it took me yrs to move on. But I did and I was stronger then...... Just a weak moment ..... and a feeling of dispair , I will sort this out.

  • Hello znl, After reading your post I felt that you understood even if I was muddled in my concern for my future, I think you sort of read in between the lines. I am very confused right now as after 35yrs of never seeing or talking to him I was on CLOUD NINE when he sought me ought., I naturally thought he was going to be somewhat different.I hear from him almost daily and see him once a wk.He tells me this time we will make it... it is our destiny... or fate if you will.....if that is how he feels then why WON,T he make some changes that would allow us to be more compatible. He want,s me to adapt and of course I have to some point. I am also not telling my kids the truth, about my new relationship with him and that is bothering me . I have a whole load of stuff going on and I will just have to go into a REPAIR MODE, I hope i have made myself clearer and I came to this site for help and advise,,,,, so I want to THANK YOU & The Captain for reading my post and offering your words of wisdom...... LEONIDA

  • Hi Leonida,

    You are welcome. You are doing just great. To find an old friend is a huge thrill. Do not be afraid of being fine by yourself, or find someone new, however do not get stuck and waste your time/nerves/energy on a dead end with someone who seems so tight in every way and not compatible with you based on the essentials/your views at this time. You can maybe just be friends and that way you won't have all the stress and the expectations. best wishes.

  • He sounds like he has personality traits that won't make you happy, and your thinking, well he has all the means in the world too be happy, and he says he wants you and you might have been fond of him despite your huge differences?. So in your mind, your saying its a shame, what a waste. Well, thats what it if you both are always upset with one another at the end of the day. if he can't change, and drives you insane, and your going too spend all of your time putting up with moods that revolve around the money, and he feels as strongly as he does about the principles he feels are important enough not to change for anyone, then your right, life is too short too be doubly frustrated, he may not mean too, but he is reminding you of the hard times from the past all over again, and your already having the same issues, I get the sense you weren't looking for someone who had money, but when confronted with these issues you realized how much you resented having too work so hard for what you have,, I'm sensing its not all about the money per say,I'm assuming you didn't have a lot of leisure time, outside interests, friends, while you were raising the family,and you would have loved too see and do other things that didn't revolve around work, and seeing Goerge having the means too do so, and saying he loved you, well too you it just made sense, and felt like a waste. Bottom line, if he doesn't make you happy, and he's not going too change, then you should feel free to move on, if he is infact extreme in his ways, then it very way contribute too why he never married, this sounds like a person who is very discplined, we could all stand too learn from one so discplined, but when anything becomes extreme, then it can certainly knock everything else, especially our relationships out of balance, leaving no room for middle ground compromising, extreme spending, extreme saving, either way, same results. You need too decide if you can't handle his excessive saving, you said he already feels your the one for him, but if he makes you miserable, and he's not willing too budge even too hold to the possibility of having a future, then live, learn, and move on.

  • Hi Leonida. I believe that if you are able to somehow still your thoughts, then somewhat detach yourself from your situation, as if watching a movie, you may be able to understand, and work on, what the real issues are. Rewind, and quietly watch your "life movie" from beginning to the present. After reviewing the "movie", you may be able to see which paths led to where you are now, and what path(s) you need to take to get to a better place. I suggest you first, seek a counselor, therapist, or other type of healer, to help you get to your center, and help you to realize that you always, always come first. You somehow have to learn to be aware of your strengths, and learn how to use them. Self awareness, and self love, is the key to your happiness, not another human being. Everything else flows from that.

  • Hello bleucat123,Right now I am sitting here crying as I read all these posts,sometimes you have to cry before you get strong, I agree with what you have said it seems that he has extreme way,s some of them are wonderful and some are intolerable, you see He has no middle just black or white NO GREY and I can alway,s see and feel all three. Yes I think his lack of reform has contributed to why HE was never married & not what he expressed to me. That I was the LOVE of his life and that was why he did not get married,he has told me that he regrets not marrying me 35 yrs ago, and say,s deep down in his heart I am the only one he ever thought of marriage with. After 6yrs he never asked me,,,,, I made a decission then and with a broken heart i moved away, and here I am back in that emotional tunnel 35yrs later, well after the crying I will look for the light at the end of this tunnel and move in that direction. Thank you so much for your encouraging words

  • After having said all that, in answer to your question, we all have the potential to be dangerous. You know this man, and his history, so you are a better judge than we, of what he is capable of. But, I dare say, if you have to even ask that question, you already know the answer. In Peace.

  • Hello NyteQueen, Right now I am becoming a little unravelled, and I am trying to deal with it all,, the advise I have received is definitely sinking in. I will rewind take a good look think it all thru and put myself in the LEAD ROLE . Thank you SO MUCH for responding to my post, I really needed people from this forum to help me, and I truly appreciate all the wisdom and kindness found here

  • I just wanted to add this.. sounds like he wants you to do all the compromising, can you be happy doing that? you need to value yourself and your needs to! after all negative personality traits only get worse with age! let him go and find contentment in someone who knows how to compromise. best of luck to you. take care!

  • Hello stclaire, Thank you for adding ....YES this is how I feel and it is making me feel very exhausted I will read this forum as often as I can and use it as an inspiration to bring back the POSITIVE in my life.

  • YOU ARE WELCOME!, i have had an experiance with this kind of man and trust me it DOES get worse, i finally freed my self and what a weight off me! after that and in retrospect i was in self imposed chains and his control i too was exhausted omg! take care and try to be free!

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