How do I stop a negative relationship pattern?



  • You're welcome! and who knew? right? I recently experienced a similar situation, but turns out...my Virgo Guy was not as loyal as he claimed to be. I ran into him once, got stared at (of course!) and was asked whar had I been doing this week...my thoughtful and rude response..."let's see now....(pause...)...not "U"!". Go figure...



  • You know, i figured relationship expectations are only set yourself up for short,

    Recently I decided im no longer expecting anything, because thats when people

    start trying to fulfill your expectations and half the times thats not who they are,

    so now i just expect people to be themselves, and a friendship at most & recently

    i met this guy who is a picses and i love his personality, we both are able to be ourselves

    around eachother and guess what when i first met him he asked what do you like

    in a guy what are your expectations? I said None, Be yourselve because thats all we can

    offer eachother is ourselves. I found it makes people more open and wanna be themselves

    rather then adding all those rules and and expecting things You know.



  • here's one for addicted to riches...yes, that is exactly the thing...if someone is not going to just be themselves either because they have no self to offer, or because they are so insecure that they run and ask others what you expect instead of just getting to know you, then you won't be able to make an objective decision about the relationship itself. It takes a great deal of patience to see if you can even expect that.



  • Kissafrog,

    I guess it depends on who you are

    and what you attract, most times i dont attract weak guys

    its usually the ones with big egos that know exactly what they want

    plus i cant offer a insecure person much i love confident people

    who are comfortable being themselves around me, Most

    times Guys feel intimidated by me so they admit.. i guess they

    feel they have to step it up a notch so it depends its all who you attract

    I rarely come across weak guys most times just liars who pretend to

    be something thier not.



  • Truthfully, I never had expectations in what I wanted. I had a wish list. Someone once told me to pray for what you want in a man. Everything that this guy was....was what I asked for. Seriously. I wanted someone single, available, wasn't going to cheat, hard working, good with money (not meaning rich, just knew when he could spend and when he couldn't), respectful, got along with my family (since my exhusband didn't) and basically all the qualities that I listed to Sandran that he was. The one thing I forgot to ask for??? I forgot to ask for someone who wanted to be in a relationship. My favorite quote is be careful what you ask for. Once again...it proved to me that I needed to really cover EVERYTHING. I should note....I prayed for years on this guy. YEARS. He did tell me what was going on and hadn't cheated on me...I just chose to not be in the equation.

    My last reading/counseling session, my lady told me to make a list of everything I like about myself. What I have to bring to a relationship. List 10 things...FAST...no thinking. Then repeat them to yourself in a mirror to attract the person who wants those qualities. This time I'm doing both lists. LOL.

    I don't see them as expectations...but bringing forth qualities that I want via laws of attraction if that makes sense? I think affirmation and prayers go a long way.



  • Hello again Aunt Buck, About ending a relationship with someone because he all of a sudden shares that he still has feelings for someone else from a previous relationship., What gives? huh?

    Well, that said, if he does not know what he wants, or continually makes excuses for the whys/whynots in the situation between the two of you, how could he possibly be considered for partnership, marriage or any long term situation unless the two of you just remained friends?

    Which also brings me to wonder how you can possibly remain just friends once the situation turns physical, if it ever did?



  • AuntBuck

    I agree, & Yikes the list thing got you too?

    I did the same thing! the guy was way too perfect i felt

    like i couldnt give him what he needed, lol everything was great we were too much alike,

    i couldnt provoke him to communicate his feelings.

    & yes i totally agree on the law of attraction thing and the mirror thing

    but i figure i dont want a person like me in my life i have weaknesses and

    strengths im looking for the person who can pick up my weaknesses and i pick up

    thiers i love meeting opposites for some reason.



  • Oh yeah..I know exactly what you mean. It seems like sometimes, the harder we try...the further behind we get.

    I genuinely appreciate honesty in a man. Which brings me right back to if the guy does not know what he wants, then how can he possibly be himself? or if he gives you one impression while he is trying to make an impression somewhere else (in a defensive this is none of your business manner), what in the world were his intentions to start with? Apparently this guy has no regard whatsoever when it comes to keeping his word, or sticking to an agreement, none whatsoever.

    Boy I tell ya, after this last go 'round, my objectivity is totally on another planet. You'd think after nearly a year you could let your guard down..just a tad...not with this guy. It seemed like the closer we got, the more crap he'd sort of pull. You know? Tell me one thing, his family something else and then "I think" his next prospect something else all together. After I really got to watching out for certain actions, it began to seem as though he couldn't keep his story straight from one sentence to the next. Now that he acted like that about his interest in other people (as in other woman(en)), I won't be able to trust him at all, so that's it. And even if he suggested that we should try, there would have to be some objective reason why this would even be considered.

    I know in my mind there are some other things I probably wanted to mention here, but for the life of me I don't have the words to sum it up.



  • Aunt Buck,

    Wow, sounds like my story all together. I was with a Scorp for over a year and then the end of Oct. his ex wife starts talking to him about them trying again and also an old flame from High school came into the picture as well. We were fine and happy with each other and when all this started ,he told me that he was confused and needed to think.Needed to figure out what to do. He said that he loved me and it was nothing that I had done. We have been split for 3 months now and he is with the one from high school. Didn't see it coming. I gave him unconditional love and trusted him completely. When I am with someone I am faithful to that person, I don't believe in stepping out ,as it is sometimes called,on the one that you are with. As yours, my kids loved him to death.

    I still love him and have been very hurt by all this. I had never fell in love with someone the way that I had him and am still in love with this man.I have talked to some friends that have seen him and they have told me that he doesn't seem to be happy. That when we were together,you could tell that we loved each other but it is not that way with this other woman. She is Gemini. I just feel that she filled his head with a bunch of bull. Pulled the I have loved you for the last 20 years to him and he choked on it hook, line and sinker..and she reeled him in.He was faithful to me up to the point that he left. I do miss him terribly but i am trying so hard to go forward but it is hard. I told him that he can't live in the past and that we were the here and now, not the past. He told me that he could come home to me every day for the rest of his life and be happy. Just don't understand what exactly happened. Like you, it seems that all of the relationships I have had have went wrong in some sort of fashion or another. Just wish I knew what exactly what he was or is thinking. We still talk and he has told me that it ticks her( the high school old flame ) off. Guess it doesn't feel good to her to have the shoe on the other foot as the old saying goes. How do I move on? I still love him and care very deeply,it has only been 3-4 months since we split. I am still heartbroken and hurting. It is so hard. Thanks for listening(reading).Hard to talk to some of the friends that I do have cause they just don't seem to get how much pain that I am going through right now. Thanks again.



  • I did try to support him as a friend for the first 3 weeks. I even told him that is was natural to have feelings for someone in your past that meant something to you. That it was good to forgive but not forget what this person put you thru. I was talking to him trying to figure out and said that I would fight for him and he said, "I don't know how to put this to you any more bluntly, I cannot be anything but a friend to you at this time and I need to figure out how I'm feeling." He had lists of excuses of why he didn't think it was fair to me and how he didn't want to hurt me and blah blah blah. I exited stage left. I couldn't put myself thru it as a friend. I loved him and wanted to be with him and not sitting on the sidelines waiting for an answer. I gave him an opening to come back. I just made it clear that I wouldn't contact him again. He needed to make that step and well...5 months later...he hasn't. We were together for 3 years. We were actually supposed to be doing a weekend away for our 3rd anniversary when all this came about 2 days before we were supposed to leave. He had been planning on this trip for over a month and had searched and searched for a place for us to stay. He has unfinished business with this woman that has nothing to do with me. I have unfinished business in that I'm not giving up on the idea of finding the perfect fit. This one didn't work...but it was an example that I am moving forward with who I attract and I'm grateful for the experience. I definitely agree that a good match is someone who has the qualities you lack and vise versa.



  • Its not so much that they will be like you, more that you want too too attract the one who is good with you, their looking for a good person, your looking for a good person, then throw in the chemistry. Its not really a list of rules, no ones hardly knows what their deal breakers are until they experiance them, and realize thats a deal breaker for them. I think the list is a a way of making a profile for ourselves without calling up eharmony, instead we send it out there, into the great blue yonder, what have you, and we learn too reconize who is, who isn't one that is responding too our invisible ad. If one person lists they like too fish, then someone shows up with that interest as well, or someone wants diamonds, and the other shows up claiming too want too be the person to buy them, or you both voted the same then great, but those are more expectations that can cause a person not too be themselves,or could be all some people look for, making a list of how you hope too be treated, mistakes that are tolerable, but won't break your heart, your dealbreakers, they way your person will respond when things get tough, if their looking for the real thing,are they flying to you solo, or are you about too be the Brady bunch? all those things tend too make a good list I think.



  • WOW...Libralady...we are alike. She pulled him in...hook, line and sinker. It's been five months and it is still disappointing that it didn't work out. There is still a part of me that would like to see him come back. Instead...I can't change him and I can't make him do anything so I have to focus on me. When I came onto the forums not that long ago I was in pain. Serious pain. I was scared, worried and hurt. I have found that by getting readings and focusing on myself that I am in such a great new place that I can't help but be happy. Seriously, I'm losing my job in two weeks that I have had for over 12 years. Hoping to start school again at the age of 45 and after being here for the time that I have...I don't think I've been happier in a long time. It really feels good. If he comes back...which I was told that he very well might, I'll decide then. For now...I'm excited about my future. I'm confident that as long as I don't focus on the negative and turn all of this into positive, I'm just attracting more positive. I gave up worry to trust in the universe. There is a really good thread on protecting yourself. I was protecting myself from hurt again by putting up a wall. What I didn't realize....I was also blocking any good coming in too. It really changed things for me. Everyone I work with is just amazed because I am so fine with everything. It's a HUGE relief....

    My suggestion....work on yourself and let the worry, pain and fear go. It will only manifest more worry, pain and fear.



  • I have told mine that I would fight for him as well and all he said was that I had already won but he had to see what happens. Don't understand that one. I have also told him that the I love him and want him in my life and to be with him and have also gave him the opening to come back as well. Just trying to go on as of now and see what happens. He also told me that he didn't want to hurt me any more than what I was hurting. That he was hurting also but had to figure things out. So I guess time will tell if he comes back or not. I do love him and he knows this. I guess I have done all I can, and now it is up to him to figure out if this is exactly what he wants or if he was a fool to walk away from us and try to figure things out as he put it. There was nothing wrong in our relationship and were happy until these 2 women came back from the past. We will see what happens.



  • Wow, i think I figured out my secret for success and ready too share ladies, my boyfriend didn't have any highschool girlfiriends, annoying exes! Infact he only had two before we met,the longest being 3 months, and he was already in his thirties! I picked the cute, sweet guy that was sooo shy or quiet no one ever paid any attention too him. He wasn't bald, massivly overweight, had all his teeth, a great family, job, too this day I don't know why I was lucky enough too snag this guy that didn't come with any baagage, he did come with cold feet, but that was suprisingly easier too deal with then the kind of baggage I know I brought!



  • And you were incredibly lucky. At 45....anyone close to my age usually comes with some kind of baggage. For some reason I keep thinking it is close to trying to find a virgin at my age...and well...I don't know if that woud be a good thing. LOL.



  • I never realized how much those blasts from past can screw things up for everyone, I guess they may feel like since they already shared something with that person, that they don't have too feel bad about messing things up, but its really not much different then destroying a family. What about the relationship they had with the person they are with? that isn't important compared too a karmic debt?



  • I understand what you are saying, I am 40 and not getting any younger..lol..I have been trying to focus on the positive instead of negative but it is hard to do. I keep getting everyone asking me if I am ok and checking on me, especially one good friend whom has been there through this whole thing. I said before that no one seems to understand the pain I am going through, I take that back.Out of everyone , she is the only one that does and she has been there when I have needed her. I will try the list thing like you talked about and see what happens. Trying to heal but really hard. Miss him terribly and still in love with him as well. I would still like for him to come back. Just don't know if that will ever happen, but like you said, it will be my decision to have him back if he does. Well , off to bed now. got to get up for work in the morning. Thanks for listening. Nice to know that I am not going through this alone. And as far as the hook line and sinker. just an ole country gal. not too many people have ever heard that.lol.... nite all.



  • I have too thank healing with the angels too, as there was a lot of that going on before I even knew he existed, and the arrows were pointing, now that I look back. Of course we had broke up a few times over his cold feet, this is when friends would usually say well meaning things like" oh, if we were out, you wouldn't even look at him"! He's not all that",you could do a lot hotter then him"! Good to know he won't be having too fight my friends off), but I didn't care about that. I know a lot of people that are over 45 that are divorcing, divorced, we have a friend who's wife ran off with thier pastor, who does that? so he's starting over, one friend of ours, around 48, got remarried last year, just went too a wedding last month, they were 36 and 39! Your just getting started Aunt Buck



  • He doesn't know what I know. He doesn't know that this pull towards her is because of a wrong he did. I certainly am not going to call him and tell him. I'll just look clingy and I don't want to project that about myself. I am very lucky that I have support of my children and my family. He basically has no one to draw strength from. He has one close friend that I don't think he shares a lot with that I really don't see as being a support because I know the guy really liked me. He told his ex-wife and a couple that they are friends with and they all told him he was being incredibly f'ing stupid for even thinking about this girl. His ex-wife is who he rebounded with when the woman left him the last time. He has 7 siblings and basically has no contact with them. They don't have a family bond like I do with my family. He is on his own. I have so many friends and family that love and support me that I know that I am in a much better place that he is. I also know I have the universe on my side. He hasn't figured any of that out. Some of my last words to him were "be careful what you ask for....you just might get it and you may not get it the way you want." He has to do what he has to do. I can't fix it for him.



  • For the first time in months I feel like....yes...I am just getting started. I don't feel 45 almost 46 and with the way the economy is...there are so many people like myself going back to school at this age to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. LOL.

    I'm looking forward to going to school since this is something that I wanted to do for years and now I don't even have to pay for it. Everything money wise has been falling into place since I quit worrying and I get spring and summer off! As a cancer girl...there is no greater gift than being able to enjoy those two seasons without having to get up and go to work everyday. I can work in my yard, start planning and cooking meals again, there are some really great angel healing classes that I want to take here in town that are REALLY cheap. I just opened up a library card again...haven't been there for years and I love the library. I don't have to work with people who are worried about their jobs or if the company is going to tank. I have worked around so much fear and worry in the last year....now that it's almost over...going to work is like a celebration every day because I won't be part of that misery much longer. I won't be absorbing all that negativity and taking it home to my kids every night. I won't work all day and then come home and work all evening....it is SOOOO good for me right now.


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