How do I stop a negative relationship pattern?



  • I recently ended a relationship with a Libra man who claimed he was confused because he had feelings for an ex-girlfirend from 25 years ago but still cared for me too. I decided to have a little respect for myself and exit the situation. I know he still cares but I cannot put my life on hold while he figures things out. So, after this recent breakup...it finally became apparent that every man that I have ever cared for, loved, married has left me for another woman. There haven't been a lot of relationships in my life, I'm almost 46 and I've had about 5 serious relationships. I have dated other men but it seems to me, that the ones that I allow myself to care for deeply have done this. I have wondered if I did something in a past life that would continue to create this situation that I keep going thru over and over. I feel like I'm being punished for something that I did somewhere in my past and I need to learn a lesson. So...now being back on a path of enlightenment, realizing after reading the topics here that I need to drop my wall of protection and allow love back in....what do I do that will break this pattern? I like myself and I like who I am and what I do for others. I've been told that men are attracted to my kindness and by not being demanding enough, it has created this scenario. What do you think? How do I release this pattern to find the person that will accept me and love me for me and stop this cycle?



  • I had this very same problem and I think you were right too respect yourself, that was the first step too breaking a negative pattern, I envisioned the complete opposite of who I had been with and what I had been through, I created a boundary, an incredible other in my mind that would never disrespect me, almost like what your fantasy person would be like, but much more realistic, as your tired with eyes wide open by this point), I didn't meet anyone like that right away, but I didn't even bother with anyone less then what I knew would be my good fit. It didn't take long, my relationship now is like none of the others, it took some getting use too not having too carry all that baggage, and they had too be more then a bit patient with me as I had too heal, but I stuck too "my person"in my mind, didn't settle, didn't even think about it, and it really happend. Not that I live in a castle and he is a young, handsome prince, but thats not what I had envisioned, I had been there done tht, lived that facade, and was ready for the real thing. Don't obsess or suffer, but do keep in mind who your person would be, how they would treat you, where would go together, what would they say when you told them how the others had broken your heart? How would they be different from the rest? Your probably on the brink of breaking the cycle! Be patient with yourself, stick too your guns, and work your own magic!



  • This sounds exactly like me.The last relationship totally devastated me.I would also like too know the answer.



  • I was basically single for 9 years after my marriage ended. I prayed and made a list of every quality that I wanted in a man and waited for the right one to come along. My Libra was everything that I wished for. He had every quality that I had asked for down to getting along with my kids and family. We all loved him and thought he was the one. I asked for someone single and available etc., respectful, hard working, he spoiled me rotten, I was comfortable yet excited to be around him, He never treated me bad, we never had an argument in the 3 years we were together, I worked on my jealousy issues from previous relationships and completely trusted this man. However, I forgot to ask for someone that wanted to be in a relationship. He definitely never wanted to get married again, which I was fine with. I didn't live with him and wasn't planning on living with him until after my children were raised. Once again, be very careful what you ask for. I got everything I asked for and the one thing that I didn't ask for. Yes, this breakup has devastated me also. However, after 5 months of being apart, I accept that its over and look at it as at least I am starting to attact the right person. Now I just need to find that type of person again but who is willing to commit and be there for the long haul. It's hard to open up to someone when your history has been that your ego will be crushed and you will spend your time wondering what's wrong with you and why can't anyone stay. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me but I need to know what that last little tweak is that will change my relationships forever.



  • When people ask why I have not been "successful" in relationships...I tell them, I have learned something from every relationship, so I don't feel they were unsuccessful. Truly I learn about myself, reactions of others and maintain those lessons. In this life...I get better with time.



  • I agree. I think I have definitely evolved in my relationships. I have learned from all of them and when finding my last relationship I had definite ideas of what I wanted and I seemed so close to finding it. I just want to know if there is something I need to do or change to not attract the same thing again.



  • BUMP? Captain? Any insight? Anyone care to do a reading for me on this?



  • So, you don't want too spend a long time with a wolf in sheeps clothing at least not when it comes too your heart? You don't want too waste your time giving trust just to be devasted again, obviously. Thats understandable. I didn't think the person I am with now and I would work after about a year or so, and it hurt, I had too be a lot less emotional and a lot stronger then I felt, I tried my hardest too be true to myself while we spent time apart(hehad cold feet) , then while putting on my brave front , he suddanly accepted committment and asked us too be a family that would all live together, I said no since I didn't want anymore suprises down the road, but he insisted for the good, bad, and the ugly we would get through it all together, and we have ever since. I hadn't seen that coming,I had given up, as I was use too all the bad suprises, sounds like you are too, with how you chose respect and walked away from someone that wasn't giving you everything you wanted, particulary all of their feelings. Once we have been hurt that bad, we tend too want a secure, solid answer that it will never happen again, but we all know life never gives guarentees. We go into a committment accepting the terms of it or not accepting and spend time trying too change it, or not accepting it at all. It sounds like each time, you did choose you, that would make you that much closer. I wish I had the answer for you, I would give it freely if I did. I do have a question, I got the feeling he left it too you too be the one too decide if if you wanted too stay in touch with him? In the meantime, theres a thread where "TheCaptain was doing what vibes are you sending out readings", it might be a good place too start if you haven't checked it out. I truly hope you find yourself through this and on too your highest good and greatest love in your life!



  • p.s. I know its very hard be patient when in pain, but I feel your very frustrated, I'm not physcic, but I feel everything! I want too tell you, please don't chase the answer, as it can evade you longer, accept tiny, little bits of good that comes your way now, holding on too gratitude through it all. Affirm too yourself that your ready too learn from the past, yet accept good into your life right now.



  • I don't know that I'm looking for guarantees I just want to know if I'm doing something that perpetuates this situation in my relationships. I have learned from all my relationships and am grateful for the experiences. As painful as they may have been, they happened for a reason. The last time I talked to my Libra I gave him the open to contact me and said I would not contact him again. He said he couldn't be anything but a friend to me because he had feelings for this other person. He did accidentally call me two weeks ago when trying to contact who I assume was her. He had an opportunity to see how I was doing etc., and chose to say only that he dialed the wrong number and hung up. I have a habit of hanging on to relationships and break ups WAY longer than I need to. This time around, I am making a conscious decision to move forward and away from the pain. I will take your suggestion and quit chasing the answer. I am very grateful for what I have in my life. Even if it has been turned upside with a job loss, hoping to go back to school, worrying if I can make it money wise...even with all that...I feel very positive that everything is working the way it is supposed to be. Coming to this site and actually participating in the forums and seeking answers is also a first step for me. Most of my journey has been conducted by myself without sharing any of my realizations with anyone. I've been on this path for over 15 years so I am breaking ground here. I did ask the Captain what vibes I give out. She has said that I give out the vibes of a space commander and what I am going thru is necessary to forge the way for others. LOL. Thank you so much for your insights everyone. I do really appreciate the guidance and support that I receive here and only hope to be able to be of some assistance and give back to you in the future.



  • A space commander huh? I'm not exactly sure what that job would entail, but I'm assuming you would have too be smart, quick,sacraficing, and ready too make difficult decisions on a moments notice. Mabe you should change your name on here too "Houston, I have a big problem". No, just kidding, I can tell your a giver, because I am as well, I am praying the answers you seek come your way very soon! What I have read on libra is that they are very popular with the opposite sex, especially the men. I read that sometimes they are literally lured away because of their appeal. I'm starting too be a bielever, as my son is libra, he always seems to have an entourage of girls around him. I plan too raise him too be an honest guy with a good heart, that can just say no, or Yes, I'm taken. Only time will tell. So your brave in facing the uncertainty of relationships despite whats occured, I'm assuming you don't want him as a friend, that could be painful and counterproductive for awhile. I do think your right about looking for someone who wanted a real relationship, did you really not want too take the next step until the kids were all raised? Or were you compromising? Would you choose the same the next time around? Or were you just so use too doing all of that on your own? If your not too demanding, you may want too be a little more, or little by little come too expect more. I'm sorry to hear about your job loss, its spreading like a virus isn't it? Hang in there, sending healing prayers your way!



  • Aunt Buck by just respecting yourself and walking away is the 1st step to not repeating your past.

    Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Keep making yourself the priority. I think bluecat gave some great advice.



  • Oh thank you diamond diva! I just feel called to her, but she is a strong one on her own, its not easy for her too put herself out there. Aunt Buck,even the strong, or most gifted may need help, reassurance, clarity sometimes, I had the feeling that if your not getting any read, or answer right away, it could be that if the answer was a snake, it could reach out and bite you because you might already be on the right path, or could be you have so much of your own intution, you have an insight and clear sense of your own situation. Trust yourself, your making more positive choices then not in regard too your future!



  • As I age...I have come to the realization that I am a strong person. And a lurker when it comes to forums. I rarely participate instead preferring the sidelines to watch. I have always been a giver and in being that....I want everyone around me to be happy and I want to fix their problems. I have discovered however, that I can only fix myself. I cannot fix anyone else. I can lend support and comfort but ultimately everyone has to make their own choices and I cannot judge them for the choices that they make. My Libra was a fixer too. This woman he is back with was a high school sweetheart who dumped him after he went into the service to better their future. He stayed in for longer than he should have and when he came out he met up with her again and she left her husband for him and then moved back to her husband after 8 months. She is again unhappy with her husband (25 years later) and has latched onto him to "fix" her situation. She cost him so much including the one thing he wanted the most which was children. He is aware of all that she is and still cannot change how he feels. I can change how I feel. I know that he still loves me and is confused between the two of us. But...I cannot wait and put myself into a position where I am second best. I am either the priority or I am nothing. I had problems with attachment and jealousy so by not living with him and agreeing to wait until my kids were gone were not only for my benefit but his. I didn't want him to be placed into a step parent role. I thought I was being good by not putting that pressure on him. He loved my kids and they loved him. His ex wife is still in his life and he takes care of her too. She's 14 years his senior and has no other family. I accepted this because of who he is. She sits around hoping he will come back while thinking that if they are friends he will. I refused to be her. I will not go to dinner with him and pretend that all is good when all I want is to be in a relationship with him. So, that's why I broke the contact completely. So rather than repeat history and stay single waiting and waiting, I have decided to break pattern and put myself out there again a whole lot sooner than I usually do.

    Ironically enough, my son is also a Libra. I pray that he will have the qualities that my Libra had but with a strong sense of self. He's only 16 and its been a rough road so far with him but I know who is is deep down and I believe that he will be a strong man and I hope he will have integrity in his relationships.

    Thanks again for all the help. It is much appreciated since yes, I need confirmation that I am on the right path. I am learning to trust my intuition but every once in a while it is nice to get confirmation from someone else that I'm doing the right thing.



  • I know that feeling, I too value all the great advice, and the few readings I've been blessed enough too recieve here as well! So he was lured away a bit, I'm beginning too see why he decided it was best that he didn't marry again, it wasn't an entirly a selfish reason, he may have felt he was having too lay in the bed he made with the ex wife, and didn't think it would be entirly fair too anyone else, yet he couldn't live with the guilt of abandoning her either. Jealousy problems are an issue a lot of people have, some are reasonable, some are not. Sounds like you don't like too compete for anyone, I too will step back before I will do that. At the middle stages of life, no one really should have too! Amazing how a person from ones past can take them back too highschool, make them feel like they are thier again, sometimes thats wonderful too have a second chance, sometimes its over for a reason. He missed out on a space commander, he'll be kicking himself in the ass for that one of these days.



  • You mentioned I should change my name to "Houston we have a problem.." I was thinking maybe it should just be "Commander." LOL. However, I like Aunt Buck. It suits me. If you've ever seen the movie Uncle Buck with John Candy? I am the female Uncle Buck..i.e., Aunt Buck. Whenever I explain the screen name to people that know me they immediately start laughing and agree.

    I think my Libra is already kicking himself based on what I've been told by a woman I have read for me a couple times. But....I can't make him do anything. My ex husband used to flaunt the women he worked with in my face to make me insecure, jealous and feel inferior. I won't allow anyone to do that to me again. If I had continued to be friends, I would have been and felt all of the above again. No thanks.



  • As far as the libra sons go, I think this will probably be a learning experiance for him as well! Don't feel bad for anyone in a step parent role! Its thier choice, if they can't handle it, they'll take a different path.We don't live in a perfect world so blended families can be just as much part of the natural progression of love/relationships as any other. It helps solidify the family unit as a whole, its the natural course of taking the next step in a relationship, providing thats the goal for both partners. No way would my partner be out too dinner with an ex that made demands on thier time and take them away from the person they are with, especially the kids lives they chose too be apart of. If your relationship is casual, and theres that agreement, then thats different, but I'm really starting too see where the pattern your referring too was a problem you don't want too repeat. Every relationship is a learning experiance, and possibly a stepping stone, but you know that already. What made you think you had jealousy issues? If I had too share my boyfriend with an ex, had too deal with their baggage, my baggage, balance out the kids and have too wait and see where the relationship was going after several years, with the possiblitiy of a blast from the past showing up, I would probably be insane with jealousy, anyone would! If your good on your own and thats what you want too, then great, but for the future, I don't see that its a curse, like its been feeling too you, or a problem you can' t put a name on and fix, thats really good news! You have all the power in the world too attract the right person, they just need too know that their not doing a favor by accepting everything and everyone else that comes with you, not to say you can't tell them how wonderful that is, but you and yours are not a disibility, you will all bring a balance of love, light, challanges too grow through together with the person who is blessed enough too be accepted as a part of your family. This man was possibly able to walk away easier because he may have missed out on a bit of that responsiblity, he didn't have to step into a role, invest as much of himself as he might possibly could have. I'll do an angel oracle on it when I get my cards back from a dear friend who borrowed them awhile ago, I feel their probably ready too find their way back now.



  • I just saw your birthday in the Responsibility Forum...yours is the day after mine. :0) I knew there was some connection. Blue Cat? Do you have a Russian Blue?

    I think with my Libra there were a couple things going on. I didn't want to fall into the needy, jealous...you are my world and therefore you should be at my beck and call type relationship. I did learn from my marriage to never make someone your everything. It is good to balance out yourself with the relationship. I had been single for 9 years before I met him and I wanted to have the coupleness but still maintain my friendships and activities that I enjoyed. In return, I felt that it was good that he could do the things that he wanted to do also. He had been in a previous relationship where everything was dictated to him and he felt like he didn't have any freedom to be himself and do his own thing when he wanted so it worked well for us. His previous relationship also refused to allow him to have contact with his ex wife. Didn't want to repeat that for him also. I will say that it was tough that because she wanted him she refused to accept me. She had no desire to meet me even though I expressed wishes to meet her. They all tapped into his bank account and spent freely. I never wanted access to his money. I had a hard time accepting any gifts from him at first. He also had the pattern of meeting someone and instantly moving in with them. He wanted to try things differently now that he was single again. I thought it was good for both of us. He lived 30 miles away so we usually got together one night a week and then spent most weekends together or at least spent some time together on the weekends. He did take an interest in my kids and their welfare and well-being. I consulted him on all the things a spouse would when it came to the kids and took his suggestions seriously. I gave him the step parent role without the having to live with them. If that makes sense. He made car purchases based on what would be comfortable for all of us and not just what met his needs. He did think of us as a family unit I believe. Anyway, my reader said that I should find a way to let him know that the kids missed him but I couldn't use the kids that way. They do miss him but they are also very angry at him so it didn't feel right to try and manipulate him that way. I honestly believe that if this woman hadn't shown back up, we'd still be together and happy and things would be moving forward as planned. BUT.....that didn't happen and instead I'm moving forward without him. I'd love to know what your cards say. I read cards for myself and a couple friends but I'm not versed enough in them to be able to glance at them and know what is going on. I have to consult each meaning. While I've had my cards for years, my knowledge is still beginner. I will be changing that soon so that I can read for others. I'd llke to give back what has been given here. 🙂



  • I saw your bday there too, yes there must be a connection! I don't have the russian blue, but I have always wanted one, doubt that will happen since I tend too take in strays and rescues instead, then ask myself why must I? I can understand why you wouldn't want too say the kids wanted him back, I wouldn't want too either. If someone didn't come back on their own, I would always wonder if they were where they wanted too be. Certainly makes it that much harder too understand when someone is a good person, but the other girls, they would have too go. No way should you have too put up with that. I read your responsibility in life in that forum, wow, that is a huge responsibilty! Mine was in aries, then the other in libra, all about balance and fairness. I don't have too much trouble being fair or seeing whats fair and not, balance is something I'll strive for forever, thats tough. Mabe thats why I'm drawn too unfair situations,,it drives me crazy! Did he ever tell you why he felt the responsibilty towards the ex wife? I can understand wanting too maintain some independence, friendships, I tell mine too go, enjoy their hobbies, as I love my space, closest friends and interests too. So that was for you as well as him, oh those other girls though, that would unglue me! You are a brave one for that. You have your own cards? thats good! You will be able too help people, your intution is already there. I hadn't actually thought to get my cards before I recieved them, but I feel so blessed too have them.They have been passed down several times, I was given them by my mother, they have seen me through some trying times, never steered my wrong. I have lent them too a few close friends, and have always got them right back, but mainly because those particular friends didn't have a huge interest in the source of it too begin with, and honestly I always felt the need too take over the reading for them anyway, as I was use too the cards, and knew how too adress certain questions usually regarding men for them that wasn't going too change. The friend with them now loves them, and is using them too heal after recently loosing her mother. My hands are actually beginning too miss them. they are tattered from overuse, but I love how they jump out at me after all this time, I love that the women in my family have all infused them, and I have the fondest memories of sitting around the table with each woman blessing the other and taking too the cards for the answers too any given situation. I'll pass them too my kids and hopefully they will share them one day.



  • Come too think of it, my friend who has my cards is a libra too, and one of the most fair minded, sensitive people I have ever met, she cries if someone else is having a bad day. I can't picture the libra female being unloyal in any way, but oh those men.


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