Hanswoflgang and/or Captain.
Could you tell me more about a certain situation if possible?
My ex Tommy and I hung out today, it was a bit awkward.
I also started to think that we couldn't really be friends. and I started to ask myself what am I doing here.
I want to atleast be his friend. I don't think he cares much if we are or not. I don't think he really wants to be around me. He's whatever about it. One reason why I was thinking we couldn't make being just friends work out because the bond we've had together. How close we were. Even though things/circumstances are different now, and he's a cancer so he's good at distanting himself from people.
But my problem is that I haven't let go, probably never will.
I know people go through the hurt of losing their first loves, and a lot of them never stop loving them, even if they find a new love.
I realized today being with him that I am absolutely still in love with him. I don't want to love anybody else but him.
We started playing around throwing beads at each other laughing and enjoying the moment at one point today.
It reminded me of the good times we've had, the way we bonded, the way he can make me brighten up, and all the times we played around with each other like that.
I miss him so much. I'm a bit lovesick. I don't want to let go..
I know that in order to get over it I need not to associate with him.
But I can't help trying to make something work between us.
I know right now I need to be focusing on myself, actually start living my life, meditate more, get in tune with my spiritual being, get my self out of the negativity spiral that I've been going down, stop letting everything bottle up inside, stop letting the frustration build up inside, make the right decisions, be responsible, get my shit together, do things to make my life better for myself, take one step at a time, take one day at a time, improve my life, improve myself as a person, learn to love myself, learn to be myself, and learn how to have love within myself and how to make myself happy on my own.
People say that you'll never find true love until you find it in yourself. Maybe... but isn't possible to have love for someone anyway even if you don't have love for yourself? I know I had to of truly loved him. I believed in it, in him, in us.Don't you just know when you really truly love someone? I felt like I just knew. Even though eventually, down the road, the love faded.. not completely, but our love turned into a love-hate sort of thing, and.. it wasn't the same. yet through it all I had still had hope, still believed. still cared. didn't like all the doubts. felt pain, and knew that I really loved him because if not I wouldn't of felt the pain I did.
Hanswolfgang or Captain, if you could reply with anything that would be beneficial for my sake, please reply.
Oh, and just something else to mention, I don't think he knows even half of it. What's on my mind, how I feel about him. I want to know what he feels.. but I can be just like him, I can distant myself.. and fake it.. and act like I don't care, but oh do I.