The Patterns That Bind

  • From the website DailyOM -

    We don't need to become our parents, we can transform our lives and release all patterns and chains that bind.

    Heredity plays a role in almost all human development, whether physical, mental, or emotional. We tend to look like our parents and are subject to the same sensitivities they have. We may even be predisposed to certain behaviors or preferences. As we grow older, we become increasingly aware of the traits that exist within us and the clear history of the traits of our mothers and fathers. Our response to this epiphany depends upon whether the inclinations, tendencies, and penchants we inherited from our forebears are acceptable in our eyes. We may honor some of these shared traits while rejecting others. However, there is no law of nature, no ethereal connection between parents and children, that states that the latter must follow in the footsteps of the former. We are each of us free to become whoever we wish to be.

    When we accept that our parents are human beings in possession of both human graces and human failings, we begin to regard them as distinct individuals. And by granting mothers and fathers personhood in our minds, we come to realize that we, too, are autonomous people and in no way destined to become our relations. While we may have involuntarily integrated some of our parents' mannerisms or habits into our own lives, conscious self-examination will provide us with a means to identify these and work past them if we so desire. We can then unreservedly honor and emulate those aspects of our mothers and fathers that we admire without becoming carbon copies of them.

    Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life. The patterns you have witnessed unfolding in the lives of your parents need not be a part of your unique destiny. You can learn from the decisions they made and choose not to indulge in the same vices. Their habits need not become yours. But even as you forge your own path, consider that your parents' influence will continue to shape your life, whether or not you follow in their footsteps. Throughout your entire existence, they have endeavored to provide you with the benefit of their experiences. How you make use of this profound gift is up to you.

  • Hey Captain another day another headache hope your having a good day. I like what you shared i sure miss my mother you know 9 years ago my mother ask me if i wanted to talk about what i have been going threw for 9 years and i remember well what i said, no, today i am having to deal with truth its not pretty and it does not feel good but i know its time to let go of the akore its killing me and for me to live a old ideal has to die.I new the truth and knowing that meant makeing a decission i was not ready to make because of fear of the unknown but i made a decision to make it work well it didnt so here i am 9 years latter were i was then . So i have a opertuneity to start over God wants the best for us but he will not over ride our will i do know if i ask God for some thing he gives me opertunity to day i have a chance to make a wrong right by starting over but i beleave it takes what it takes to get me were i want or need to be. For me it like how can you solve a problem it you do not know where it stems from .Think how many decisions are made based on fear and 9 times out of 10 the fear is not grounded in any thing its a alousion its like being scared of the dark its not the dark its what we can not see or touch its a thought in our mind that has no manisfastation so we have to get to the very core of were that fear started but then we have to to face it by being in the dark and we realize there was nothing to be scared of then we are hit with the reality of all the time we have waisted on being scared of the dark does that make any sense? Delbert

  • Hi Captain,

    More great info. thanks!

    I totally agree with what you've said father was emotionally and mentally abused by my grandmother and has never gotten over it, making him quite unstable himself. Instead of breaking the cycle and making that decision to behave that way himself, he continued the cycle with his own children. My brother has not spoken to my father in at least 15 years...probably more like 18 years (my brother is almost 35). As for me, I finally made the decision to cut him out of my life almost 10 years ago when I finally realised that I was never going to live up to his expectations, that I didn't need to put up with his abuse because he was my father and the stress of having him in my life and thinking he could contact me whenever he was angry and try to blame me for everything going wrong in his life was not something I was prepared to put up with anymore. I didn't do it so much for myself at the time but for my children because there was no way I was ever going to subject them to his nonsense. My son doesn't remember him and my daughter will be 10 this year has never met him, my father wasn't particularly interested in seeing his grand daughter after she was born.

    Thank you for reminding us that just because we are biologically related doesn't mean we need to put up with bad behavior from our parents/family and we can needn't behave the same way. We can choose to be different.

  • Hi Wenchie i dont know much about bad parents except me i was one of nine kids third from top 7 boys 2 girls i was the black sheep i am the lucky one i got help and today still dealing with my kids and the harm i caused them when they were young some times they get mad at me cause i am still learning to be a parent but i see a lot of my old actions in them they will say here he goes again dads preaching again but we have a good relationship today i got cousity of my girls when they were 9&10 and they are in thier late 30s now so we have had to learn to be child and parent it been a trip and one i wouldnt take for and i have a bunch of grand kids to do you know what my kids will say today you need to be the person you were 9 years ago my hope is i hope i finealy heard them. Delbertc

  • Go Delbertc!

  • Delbertc, the fact you acknowledge what your children tell you and you are making that effort shows that you are. You are making that effort, good for you, you have the chance to improve your relationship with your children and make things different. They will respect you so much for that.

    Be kind to yourself Delbertc. 🙂

  • Accepting our family doesn't mean we have to like them; acceptance can free your soul to live the life you want.

    Families can contain a fascinating grouping of personalities. Despite the potential for so many to have similar traits, there are many different ways to express them. As people marry into families and have children, even more personalities enter the picture. There may be some people that we would not choose to be related to, but that's what friends are for.

    If we trust in a universe that has a higher purpose for everything, then we must believe that family members are in our lives for a good reason. These reasons may be easy to see and appreciate with some, but others may offer us a challenge. With those, we can look for something we can learn or perhaps teach. In the modern world where everyone seeks to be individuals, many move far away from their families in an attempt to escape them. But when we've successfully built a world around us that requires no one's help, our families are the people who are still attached to us. We can still choose whether or not to honor the family ties, and how to treat each other, but the fact remains that we are energetically tied to our families.

    Our families help us see where we have come from so that we may more clearly decide where we'd like to go. If we can learn to accept our families for who they are, then we go out into the world armed with the ability to deal with anyone. Some families are better than others at preparing us for the world. What we learn from our families, even if they are simply blank spots on our family trees, becomes the basis of our identities as individuals. Rather than denying our connections, we can choose to accept their presence in our lives. Acceptance does not mean we have to like them; we simply acknowledge that we are connected to them and honor that connection for like it or not, there is a reason. When we can embrace all that they bring into our experience, we may be grateful for all we have learned from them and have to learn, while we experience everything that comes with family fully and completely.


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