Confused and lost...

  • Hi everyone!

    I love this site and the kind people on it who try to help. I am new here and thought I would reach out. My family situation is getting the better of me and just don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions ? Thanks.

  • Can you give some more explanation of what's going on?

  • Hi Captains,

    Thanks for taking the time and replying. My husband told me that he does not want to be a husband anymore and though it breaks my heart I must accept it. The problem is he is carrying on as if he is in a relationship with me. My small son is confused because we did speak to him and explained to him that his father does not love me but another woman. In the meantimes my husband tells me that he has stopped this relationship. When I try to talk to him he refuses to talk. He wants seperate bedrooms but does not want to move out. I am getting such mixed signal so that I don't know what to think. Help.

  • You must give an ultimatum to your husband - he cannot have you as both wife and girlfriend. I feel he can't handle the responsibility of being a husband and father at the same time but would like you to shoulder all the burden of the family and allow him to just be a friend with sexual favours and to be able to visit - but not raise - his child. Also he wants to be free to have other women as well. Do you really want to have to raise two 'children' because that is what your husband is - a child. Don't carry him.

  • Thank you Captain,

    for your valuable insight. What you say makes perfect sense especially since I do refer to my son and husband as 'my boys'. I feel it is time wasted to accept the situation as it is. The letting go is so hard for me especially because my son is having a hard time in school and then to send my husband on his way... I don't know how my son will take it. Do you get anything about my son and if he could manage such a change? I myself am at an end and can't cope with the current living arrangements. Thanks a lot. Your thought really gave me an objective view of my situation.


  • Your son will fare better with you as his main caregiver. At the moment he can become confused with his father around because Dad is behaving more like his young chum than his father. So it is best for now if you are both father and mother to him. Your husband is more likely to cause disruption with his presence than if you sent him away.

  • The Captain,

    WOW. I can't believe how right on your are ! My son even told him recently that he sees him as a playmate. I can't believe how you picked up on that. You are very kind and considerate and absolutely gifted. I am so glad you replied. Thank you. I just need the willpower now to do the right thing.

  • Dear Lavama,

    I am sorry to hear about your family situation. I realize your hurting so much inside and your son can pick up on these vibes.

    It is extremely important that you seek out counseling for you and your family to prevent anymore fallout from these consequences.I just wish you and your husband could sit down and actually talk this issue out. Sometimes couples can recover from these type of situations in their marriage.

    If your husband does not want to participate in counseling...that is fine. But I urge you to take yourself your son to get help to deal with this situation. Why you may ask...because a lot of time children internalizes these changes and they think it is them causing the problem which is furthest from the truth.

    You say your son is already having problems in school and this could be a non-verbal reaction to your home life situation. Sometimes children do not verbalize their emotions to us and it comes out in a non-verbal mechanism..

    I hope your family can work this problem out. But if it can not be possible you must take the bull by the horns to protect and nurture your little guy.

    I just want to give you an internet hug.


  • @Rooster - thank you so much for your words of encouragement (that hug is also welcomed). We are going into counseling and I really hope it helps my son to get a grip on his feelings. Thanks again.

  • Hi Lavama,

    Just read about your plight and the caring responses.

    Was in a similar situation some 20 years ago and made the decision to go alone. However much much later I had deep regrets as there were other factors at play.

    Do not make an emotional decision when you are vulnerable. The worse insult is when your husband cheats on you. But many women forget and devote their lives to their kids and that is ok.

    However think about the original reasons why both of you came together. Do you still love him and care about him? Can you find it in your heart to truly forigve him? It may not be possible to forget, but remember that the reason why men have affairs is because they feel neglected.

    Just kids at heart I guess. It also depends on their true character. If he has been honest in the past and is sincere and regets it then give him a second chance.

    Think of the long term effects it will have on your son and you. People wil give you advice but only you know the true gravity and all of the information. Advice taken on snippets of info that you have given might cause you to take a decision that you might regret later.

    So please give very careful thought and see if you can go away alone and contemplate deeplybefore you arrive at a decision.

  • @Veenathan Thanks for your kind words.

    The situation is a long standing one and there are so many factors such as his family etc. My family is hurting because of his indecision and immaturity. He tends to run away from conflicts. For me it is less about the infidelity and more about his responsibility as a father, a husband and most of all a friend. The ending is hard for both of us because we cherish our friendship. I am not able to function because I've been carrying the family for a long time and therefore I find great words of wisdom in Captains observation since they mirror my gut feelings. I love my husband. He says he does not love me but can see a future with me and wants to have a 'open relationship' and also wants a divorce etc. If he doesn't love me then he doesn't love me but why should I continue in a relationship that is not based on love for his own confort while a suffer everyday? It is a bizarre situation and when I listen to him he sounds crazy. I think it is really sad but it is life. Love is around the corner you just have to make the bend. I am very willing but it takes two to tangle and if he can't commit to us then he should go. His actions say he is willing but his words are telling a different story. That makes me very confused!! We both made a lot of mistakes. We have to give and take but he has this stance that everything that happens is my fault. I'm totally overwhelmed by my emotions and I can't really think straight that's why I brought it up in this forum because I just don't know what to believe. I don't what to do. Still I have such release since I posted and the comments are encouraging and eye opening. Thanks again. Please if anyone has a word ... I need it.

  • will lamont 7/30/83 and tifarah brown 5/30/78 ever get back together soon?

  • Lavama, you know what you have to do. It's just that you are finding it difficult to hurt this man you once loved and to admit that he doesn't love you like he says he does. Think of your son now and tear the bandaid off quickly so as to save him from being hurt by this irresponsible man-boy. Actually it is also in your husband's best interests that you make him stand on his own two feet instead of leaning on you. He must confront his own immaturity if he is to grow.

  • Thanks Captain!

    This forum is a rock in the time of need. I really appreciate the time you have taken to consider my situation. I know what I have to do. That's right. I think everyone will benefit especially my son.

    Can I just get another question in ? It is about a project I am starting - an online shop. I would like to know if it stands a chance or if I should look at something else ? Would appreciate your insights. Thanks

  • I get very good vibes from this shop idea - make sure your website represents your vibrant individual side.

  • @ TheCaptain Thank You. Blessings!!!!

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