Wondering about the holidays



  • lovinmylife>>From one aries to another (lol) we are the "warriors" of the zodiac and we can get through just about anything.

    Sandran>>I think other zodiac signs could fit this.I hate the woman oh woe is me type.Full of drama blowing out of proportion woman.Relying on a man to save her type.I know a few of these.I been doing it all alone by myself.Raising special needs alone.I am very strong.And maybe this is why I cannot find a man.Because he probably would not measure up.I been set in my ways for so long.I used to ride my Aries nerves bad when he was a alive..LOL.But, he must have been stronger than I thought.Because he took it all and then some!LOL



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  • Kay, I have seen all these posts and all the responses and it shows how much love you have in your life, even if it is not seen in your face. If you still feel strongly suicide, I suggest that you call (800)444-9999, it is toll free and 24 hours. Call a therapist, a doctor, 911, any place where people can get you to where professionals can help you work through this. Your life touches all of our lives in so many different ways and your life is worth living for yourself as well. You don't want to miss the opportunities of happiness and joy from your first grandchild, from your daughter at that moment. You don't want to miss what can be achieved if you stay on this earth and stick it out. Even when things feel like they have hit rock bottom, when that is case the only way is back up. With bills and everything that has be piling up, maybe it is best that they have to go. This is a chance to start new, to reinvent yourself. As hard as that seems to view it like this, you are a SURVIVOR and can make it through this and any other challenge. We all send our energy and healing thoughts to you, energy of love and compassion and hope. Because we know you can be all you desire to be. It is hard to fight those thoughts when you get there, I know personally, but if you don't try and get unclouded perspective, you will do things you might regret. We love you and want you to stay so you can see the beauty and release of change and the many new things you can have in your life. I know we all would like to hear from you as soon as you have the chance, to know you are alright.



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  • Hello Kay, It sounds as if you've been through some really heavy and rough times, I really hope it gets better for you. As hard as it may sound, maybe you could start to see all the small things in your life that you appreciate and love and bring you joy? That might start to bring your spirits up and eventually re-energise you and your spirit. Please know that there are people that care about you both on the forum and in your personal life. I hope you feel better soon 🙂



  • dear kay,

    i'm the same age as your daughter, and...well, for her sake and for your son's sake, please don't leave them alone. they still need your love, as you need their's.

    maybe you can try this: just spend the day in the world with your two children...go to the beach, the park...anywhere. but, just make sure to leave all your burdens behind and spend the day with the people you love. it will rejuvinate you and show you what's really important in life...go out there and live life to the fullest!

    with love,

    monica



  • Kay, the statement I saw on one if the posts " when we leave this world nothing else matters,

    i

    gives me the impression thAt it is assumed things are better in the after world, who really really knows, I hav contemplated ending it many times befor I am glad I didn't

    things seem to go in cycles, what kept me from ending it was once Attempt made know turnin back , can't change my mind anymore and also Dont know where I learned this but always in mind, that if end it, it is only another dimensions of the many we oarticipate in

    and what I leave goes with me , as must be worked out no

    mAtter where u go

    plz say this 20 x today " Know that I Am". Know that I am God, Peace Be still peace be still and know that I am

    Best to you



  • Dear Kay,

    I have read through this thread and all the beautiful, touching, heartwarming posts from these most genuine and sincere people who are beautiful human beings hidden behind a screen name. I myself couldn't help but feel uplifted by everyone's words of encouragement, faith and hope. Almost every single one who has posted has been in a similar place as you at one point of time or another, as I too have been. I could easily take an excerpt of each persons post and combined they would tell my own story. My life is clearly reflected in yours as in most of the others who have shared so openly and generously here. I am a single mom of two and every year I panic about how I am going to provide for the Holiday's. Last year I decided that I would not give it a thought except to pray about it and leave it in God's hands, feeling confident that my worry would be for nothing as he has always provided and he did. I am in the same boat this year for the most part but was able to reach out to the community for a little extra help, which is an amazing blessing that I received.

    While so much incredible advice has already been given and doesn't leave much more for me to add, what I can say is to "decide" that you and your family will be ok. "Decide" that you will allow the spirit of the Holiday fill your heart and push the worries from your mind. If money and the material "wants" of the traditional holiday are unobtainable, create an atmosphere of festivity anyhow. "Decide" not to think about what you don't have, but choose to discover what you do have to work with and run with it. Turn on some uplifting music, and turn it up loud! See what you have in your cupboards and be creative with it. Just because tradition says "turkey", balk tradition and begin a new one. Tell yourself and your kids that no matter what, we are going to have a wonderful day of togetherness and make it joyful. Pull out any decorations you have, or make some, take out your board games or a deck of cards, light some candles and call an old friend. Take a bubble bath and destress yourself, draining your worries with the bath water.

    I had planned on pizza this year, in all actuality, because I think we get too caught up in having to reach "perfection", which causes so many to have anxiety and stress. I didn't have money for the traditional meal anyway, and thought to myself if we did pizza, we could have more time to spend together doing something fun, rather working for hours to prepare a meal that takes 30 minutes to eat, followed by 2 more hours of clean up!

    Hang in there Kay, and know you will be in my thoughts and prayers, as in so many others here. We are all rooting for you and sending such an abundance of love and light your way. Open your heart to receive it and let yourself be filled with the spirit of the Holiday's.

    With many blessings and love n' light,

    Sacogirl



  • Hi Kay,

    Just wanted to say I have walked in your shoes, and know exactly how you feel. I used to go out at 4am in the morning and walk for miles trying to make sense of my life. I have stood looking out of the window and contemplating throwing myself from the nearest bridge. But hang on in there, I can confirm that things do get better. I have to say that it was the thought of leaving my daughters behind and what it would do to them that stopped me from doing anything stupid. My life still isn't perfect, but it is so much better than it was.You are blessed with people who love you. So what if you can't give them gifts for Christmas - its only one day of the year and it passes SO quickly. As long as you are surrounded by those you love and who love you then who cares about the rest? Life has a habit of surprising you when you least expect it. You are about to receive a great gift in the birth of your new grandchild. Look forward and enjoy.

    Hang in there, there are a lot of people out there rooting for you!!!

    Sending you lots of love and good wishes.xxxx



  • Fist thing I would like to say is God Bless You All!!!!!

    Where do I start? First I feel foolish, I feel that my problems are minuscule compared to others.I feel like a dumb drama queen who is falling to being a victim. I'm an idiot! LOL

    "Although I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I fear no evil" This keeps running through my mind all day, before I saw all these posts here.

    Believe it or not I am a poet and I have even had a book published. But my muse has left me and I have had no outlet for my thoughts.

    I really must seem like a ragging idiot to you all. I mean, so many of you who were so kind to share your stories, seem more in need then myself. And yet, you all do not seem the worse for wear.

    I don't have a lot of time, before I must go back out on my evening route, I do two routes a day, 5 days a week and sometimes Saturdays. I'm still not making enough money.

    In my head, Ya'all, I know, that I must let go of the past, live for today and except the future into the hands of fate. In my head, I know, I am being childish, stupid and selfish. I am good at masking what I really feel, only my closest friends get a taste of who I really am, because as someone said here, as an Aries (I guess) I need to fix things, I need to at least appear to be strong and shiny.

    In my head I know, I have no control, but I still feel the need to take control, when there is no control to be had. (one step forward, twp steps back) Oddly enough I am a dreamer, one who is actually full of hope, usually the one among my friends and family who people turn to when they need to solve a problem, vent or have a happy moment. I guess I can be silly enough to make them laugh. I haven't even posted all these 41 years have thrown me, it really doesn't matter any more. I sure can't change it.

    Perhaps it is foolish of me to want love, happiness, acceptance and people to just like me, in general. I really need, I think, is a turn around in myself, Someone talked about being taken advantage of and learning to say NO, I say no, then cave. LOL

    Funny how I can feel for others and seem to be able to help them, but I have never learned to help myself, and what I mean is, the self or soul inside of me.

    I Live ( Something I wrote)

    To many years I have walked, in another’s shadow.

    To many years I have supported, another’s dreams.

    To many years, I have been what everyone wanted me to be.

    I mothered,

    I wifed,

    I have been a friend and gave advice.

    It is time I began to live for me!

    I pledge to myself;

    to be strong,

    to show courage,

    to enjoy those things in life I have not completely enjoyed.

    I shall smell the Rose's,

    I shall taste and savior flavors,

    I shall write and read words, in a completely different way.

    I will continue to be a friend,

    Mother and confident, and even a grandmother!

    Most importantly, I will become my own friend!

    I am beginning to find me.

    Now, what happened to that thought, I had back in April of this year? I have lost my way. I have given up. And I hate myself for that weakness. I hate myself for being weak, for not being strong, for not keeping my pledge to myself and to myself I have not been true and I hate myself for it.

    I have always taken responsibility for my actions and mistakes, I have always taken and been responsible for those who needed me, for the most part doing the right thing. Why now am I feeling I can't go on? Why now, do I feel I have no worth? And allowing it to take control?

    
    Hidden Rose
    
    Two hundred years this rose, did hide,
    
    Pressed in a book, its blossom died.
    
    Once, it was red, and vibrant.
    
    Plucked perhaps, by a lover, zapped?
    
    Imagine the hand, which did accept.
    
    The smile, the brilliance of the eyes.
    
    Did love live on, beyond the day,
    
    This rose was hidden and tucked away?
    
    The sacrifice was surely not in vein?
    
    For the rose, that was hidden and found today?
    
    

    What has life become? How do I get passed this? For the last year I have told myself, time will take care of the heartache, the grief, the misery and pain. So I kept up a good front for the most part. Now it seems to be crashing in and I am wavering.

    
    Separating
    
    Beloved, we must part: as I beg, do not let it be
    
    Calamitous and bitter, it has been in the past
    
    There has been too much sadness and self-pity:
    
    Let us be done with it: forever, now, at last
    
    Never has the sun been more brilliant sitting in the sky.
    
    There have never been more eager hearts, to be free.
    
    Kicking down dragons without our swords.
    
    No longer holding back, we are midnight mammals, which see.
    
    Searching the dark for a different muse.
    
    There is regret. Always, there is regret.
    
    However better it is, that our lives unloose,
    
    As two tall oaks, wind mastered, drenched with light.
    
    Break from the storm with branches out stretched.
    
    Making it back from breaking hearts, wrecked.
    
    Bitter sweet to loosen strings, knots, noose.
    
    Freedom it rings, sadness ensues.
    
    Beloved, we must part: as I beg, do not let it be
    
    

    In My Soul's Treasures, I Will Build Me

    In my soul’s treasures, I will build me.

    So deep the grass, and so bright the Rose,

    Where I find my inner peace.

    I go to hide me, there.

    To reflect and to repair,

    None will chide me there.

    Here in ‘perennial fountains’ of my soul's peace.

    Listening in the silence,

    I bare myself and all that myself is.

    Basking full, in sweet memories,

    As of honey and Autumn high.

    Although at times,

    The sweetness of my honey stings,

    As memories do,

    Undying and unfading.

    In my soul's treasures, I build me.

    All sorrows waving.

    Are swept away.

    While taking the time to weep,

    A time to see,

    Grasping the need to seek,

    Into the amaranthine beauty.

    Lying upon the deep, green grass

    smelling the sweet, sweet rose.

    Finding in my soul's treasures,

    I have built me!



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  • Ok this is my 2 cents on life in general. If we concentrate on what we don't have then we will never have anything.

    If we think about all the best things we have like our life, our health, our children,anything. Something so simple as our ability to see, hear walk or talk we will be ok. Always I promise.

    When I had my baby he was born "special" and I cried and cried because I wanted a normal baby like everybody else. We had to take him to the hospital-- constantly-- his last roommate was another child. OMG I was taken back. This mother had 5 children and had to work. Her husband had left her. She would go to work everyday go home set up her other kids THEN come to the hospital for her middle child-- and this kid was a mess I am sorry to say. And she was always happy. She is my idol.

    After that I never cried again. I was thankful for what I had. Things are hard-- but they can ALWAYS be worse.

    I have noticed that since my change in attitude I have had a change in life. I still have my share of hardships but they have gotten much less. I can say that most of the time the sun shines on my side of the street.

    I think if you always find the good and ignore the bad things will get better.

    good luck.



  • Hi kay

    I remember you from a post about the death of your husband last year and your dilemma with your current man.

    I wanted to respond to this as I feel some things need to be said to you, which I hope manage to uplift you some, while knowing that many others have imparted their wisdom, thoughts and caring to you before me already. If I repeat things you've already said and read, many apologies!

    Firstly, you are not alone in your thoughts about the coming Christmas holidays. I think we are all coming to a place where we no longer wish to indulge in the hype and expense of this season, yet are locked into it due to tradition. So those of us who may be in a position this year of not being able to afford all of this behaviour are dreading it. I may be in a similar position myself and have talked to my daughter about this. How old are your children? Please sit them down and talk to them. Get their feedback on what you can ALL do to make this Christmas memorable, regardless of tradition.

    Where is this new man you were talking about before in all this? Is he offering help to you, but you're refusing it? Please let this man help you. He loves you, and if you push him away on this issue, you may do some irreparable damage to a budding relationship that needs to flourish, for your sake and his, plus that of your children and his own (if any - not getting that he has though; maybe they don't live with him).

    Your deceased husband is not ready to have you join him. He is standing there saying "No, no, no, not yet; you have much to do in this life. You must hang on". He doesn't want what happened to him to happen to you. Where he is now, he is full of the love he had for you when he was alive, and it is no longer clouded by his self-destructive behaviour on the earth plane. His love is purely unconditional now and all he wants for you is for you to accept help from others when it is offered, and for you to finally embrace the happy life he has tried to send towards you. He is saying repeatedly, "you are deserving; you are worthy; you have earned this". Please take notice of this.

    You have worked your fingers to the bone up until now, and the time coming for you is a time where you will be able to rest, reflect on what you have achieved and reap the rewards of your hard work. But you must be able to accept the gifts being bestowed on you. Stop repelling them, and please, tell yourself that it is YOUR time and believe it.

    You have much to offer the world and much to do in it, as your deceased husband says. You are able to bring a positive slant to negative situations for others and it is time you did this for yourself. Remember, YOU are the important one in this equation. Just as important as everyone else involved. Keep this ability for turning negative into positives in mind when approaching Christmas this year, and I think you will find that you'll surprise yourself with how much joy, love and fun you bring to it.

    You can't do everything alone and that's what you've been trying to do. It is no slight on you that you need help. Your strong back is now weakened and it needs some of the load lifted from it. Allow others to take this burden from you. Share the load. Those who love you have watched your suffering and have felt much sorrow waiting for you to accept the help they offer.

    So please, accept help now. You wont' take advantage of it; you aren't made that way. You won't get lazy either; again, you aren't made that way. It is not all up to you only. A very strong woman are you, but even the strongest of people need to be weak now and then; to admit to not being strong enough from time to time. This gives those in your life who love you the chance to show YOU how strong THEY can be when needed. Give them that opportunity.

    I don't know if any of this has helped you Kay, but I sure hope it has to a degree. What I feel from your essence is a lot of self doubt, self persecution and a sense of wanting to give up the fight. Well guess what? You CAN give up the "fight" and still come out winning. Who will you disappoint if you admit you need help? YOU. Only you. Please think about it. You owe yourself more than this my friend; you are better than this, far better.

    I am humbled myself at the strength I pick up from you and the way you have managed to keep going for so long the way you have. But it is now time for you to lay down the gauntlet and rest. Throw down your guns.

    In a nutshell:

    It will all be okay.

    You deserve the good things that await your acceptance of them.

    You are not superwoman and no-one expects you to be, except you.

    You are very loved for who you are.

    Your deceased husband is not ready for you to join him.

    I wish you all the very best and send my prayers, thoughts and love to you and yours. In the new year I expect to see a thread posted by you which tells everyone what fun you and your family had over the holidays, and how much better you feel. See if I'm not right!

    BLESSINGS TO YOU Kay. You deserve everything good; every single thing. God knows you've earned it.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



  • Kay,

    Poetry comes from your soul & is filled with hope & inner strength.You can give your children a precious gift by writing them each a poem. Perhaps they can help you write one All of us have times when we loose ourselves in despair & negative thoughts....don't be hard on yourself. you have found a wonderful group of people who will listen & support you.

    I'll share a bit of my own history with you & why I felt compelled to write. I have lost the 2 most important men in my life- my dad committed suicide while I was in college & my husband died of cancer. I'll always miss them. My children never knew my dad & they are struggling to adjust to life without their dad. I can say without a doubt that I wish my dad had reached out for help as you have & I'll never understand why he didn't. Believe, Pray "This too will pass" Take each moment at a time. I'll pray that you find your inner strength to face this challenge one day, one step at a time .....................the best gift you can give to your children is yourself & never doubt that

    Blessed be



  • Hi Kay... I've just read your post and all the other posts that came after. I am so touch by the love and care people have for each other and you are in the centre of this bringing all of us together, opening our hearts especially for this coming Christmas.

    The last post above from Cris1962 has made me cry it is so beautiful and a testament to our true, genuinely, sincere hearts and intention.

    I can only pray for you and your children along with those others who have you in their hearts and thoughts, in hope that our prayers will be answered and you will have a beautiful Christmas.

    Peace and God Bless.



  • Hi Kay. My post will have to be short and quick because I'm on the way out of here, but I wanted to take a minute to give you some heartfelt words of encouragement. I think it's amazing that so many people have dedicated time to sharing their thoughts with you on here and I know you appreciate it. From my experience, people on this forum have usually always been extremely helpful and they do care! We're not giving you words of advice out of desperation but because we KNOW that things will get better and that you'll make it thru these tough times. I'm 21 and my mother, who is currently unemployed, is equally stressed out about making the holidays perfect and the fact that her lack of money will prevent her from buying holiday decorations/gifts/etc. that we've all been used to for so many years. At times I feel so stressed and worried about her because she feels the pressure of the world and all those who are in it, like you seem to do. I'm sure that your family cares deeply about you and they know that you're trying the best that you can. Please don't give up! You're still here for a reason and the only way you will leave this world is if our creator wills it and I know it's not your time and certainly not by your own hands. If people on this forum who don't even know you care for you and want the best for you, I know that it's because your family and friends do too. Please be well! Keep thinking positive thoughts and I assure you all will be okay.



  • Kay your poems were beautiful. Now is the time to use that first one as your stepping stones. You also need to help your daughter because she is allowing herself to continue abuse. You were abused but the alcoholic husband and children pick the same kind of people to be in their lives to abuse them. Been there done that. So you need to be around to lead her into another life style so that the chain of abuse is broken. We all have our moments like you but maybe not to that extent. So no we don't think your stupid an we don't want you to feel that way that you feel less because you have a break down. Well so stop your a very good person and its time to give yourself credit for putting out the cry for help. You got it we are here and when you need someone to listen just start talking. Love and Light



  • Hi Kay,

    Do not feel stupid, weak or "less than" in any way. Most of us have felt the way you do at one point or another. Do not think that our stories are any worse than yours, or that we are somehow stronger for seeming to cope better than you. Just know that some time in the future, you will be standing where we are now, in a better place - having faith that the rough times are coming to an end and being able to reach out to someone else like you, in the same place you are in now, and give them some hope. And that will be your gift to them.

    Wenchie

    xoxo



  • I hope that you have changed your mind Kay.

    I do understand that feeling... I have been there more than once and this past summer was in the depths of despair and just wishing that I could bring an end to the pain.

    But I know, deep down inside, that I made a deal with God. I promised to come down here, to learn, to better myself, and I have to see it through.

    Everyone of us has at one time or another felt down, low, hopeless and we all have situations that could be better.

    One thing is almost always certain... someone has it worse.

    It does not belittle my trials, but it makes me realize that I have something to be thankful for. I could be in worse conditions.

    It is so very hard to get out of this mindset, to shut up the voice inside that keeps telling you how rotten things are.

    I found that when I went out and volunteered and helped others... that I felt better inside.

    It has not changed my circumstances... it has changed my mindset.

    some of us cannot make things better with what we are dealing with so the only thing we can change is how we react to it, deal with it, handle it or manage it.

    Nothing worth while is ever easy they say... that is because if something came easy then it would not be so treasured.

    The difficulties we face in life, I believe, we actually chose for it to happen to us before we came down here.

    Hard to understand why we would want to torment ourselves, but when you think about the kind of person you become after having trials to go through, and then think about the kind of person you might be if everything was perfect and easy....

    the kindest, most thoughtful, caring and loving people I have met, have all gone through a horrid time in childhood or adulthood.

    Tough times really show what you are made of, and can make you a better person too.

    Hang in there... I will be too.

    Love and Hugs



  • Dear Kay,

    I think at some point in our lives we have all visited that dark place - I have a couple of times. But it is my beautiful girls who motivate me to be here to make the world a wonderful place for them and for them to have a mothers arms to hold them and remind them how amazing they are!!

    Money makes life easier but it doesn't "make" a life. Your life is yours to create with what you desire the most. Kepp positive and remember to dream!! We all have times when we question what lesson is really there to be learnt and just how hard must it get before we elarn it, but keep in mind, there is always an end to it and you turn the corner and life is a blessing all over again.

    I would love to offer you a absent reiki healing to help you to balance your chakras and allow you to be stronger within yourself.

    HUGE HUGS

    Talisa xx


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