Boy trouble



  • alright well i just need some opinions and advice about my realtionship.....ok well me and my nf have been together for almost 8 months and i gotta say were perfect for eachother in every way theres just one BIG problem...we live about 300 miles away. We love eachother and we both no we cant live without eachother and we plan on getting married, there is just one timy thing that bothers me and its not that big and i can understand what hes going thru from his past and what hes told me. His problem is that he is one of those men that get really really jealous and i mean he trusts me he just goes crazy sometimes. he gets in his moods and we just start arguing untill it get to the point where hes trying to break up with me and were on the phone and im crying my eyes out and we both cant take anymore of it we both hate it and its not like hes really breaking up with me he says he doesnt kno why he does that and he apologizes and a couple nights ago he had told me when we were on the phone and we had been arguing probably for about half an hour he told me that id he had a gun he would shoot himself that moment and seriously i dont even kno what to do anymore and i kno he doesnt kno either. We kno the tension comes from being so far away and i wish there was something we could do about it.....so any ideas? please.. anything will help..



  • hey love hurts!!

    From the things you told in your letter, It's hard to really have a solide and underbuild opinion of

    your relationship with this man and his caracter ( that is essentiel).

    But if I was to go with my first gut reaction I would say ( how ever hard this may be), you have to let go of this person because if he reallyl loved (and he obviously doesn't love him self ) you, he would not, make you go true the agony of fighting over and over again.

    If he wanted to be with you so bad( for what ever reason, love, not beeing able to be alone etc etc) he would have been on your door step a long time ago( what ever the consequences).

    Or you have to make him change his ways by looking for help to overcome this yalousie thing. Before you ever get married, because this is going to go from bad to worse.

    And being on the phone with someone threatning to kill your self with a gun sounds kind a cowerdless to me.

    Remember people that threaten to kill themself often don't have the gut's to do so!

    I'm sorry if this is probably not what you wanted to hear but I hope you get some help out of the advice you get from people.

    Don't mind the my writting mistakes plz, not english, from holland.

    hazeyjane



  • okay yes i understand where your coming from and thankyou so much you really helped but you see he would be in my doorstep if he could but hes still underage and living with his mom, and i kno this must sound crazy but thats how it is and after all i kno he loves me evn if its not shown in this way..he said hes been in love with me since weve been in grade school which is insane since i never talked to him then and i kno he is still in love with me he does all he can to see me and drives all that way just to see me against what his mother says and letting him go would be my very last last last option..i hope you understand



  • Hi, I read your post and believe me I understand the whole living with your parents and having a long distant relationship against what mother's or father's might influence. I've been there. Not to scare you, but I ended up cheated on due to a long distant relationship, one of the signs of cheating is the other person who is cheating starts to get jittery feelings about their currant relationship and may accuse the other who is not cheating that they are. However, that doesn't mean he is cheating on you, but start to give it back to him, a dose of his own and maybe he will see that he's thinking crazy stuff about you which is not true. Also, maybe he is going through some growth process in which he doesn't know where he's going in life and personal growth can change your thinking process. However, the real outcome will show it's self in time, which is what you have to do, wait! Only if you can, to see if he really is the one for you. I am a jealous person too however, my husband is also, which makes us work well with one another. Maybe just keep reassuring him of your love and try and do whatever you can, before he accuses you of any cheating, to show him you love him and care for him as much as you say you do. Good luck and I hope it all works out. I believe he really loves you and might be scared of losing you to distants and time apart. Hang in there, no one said it would be easy, but if you both care as much as you say you do, it will work and it will work for the right reasons, if not, it was not meant to be.



  • omg thankyou so much olstoro i really like cwhat you think thanks it really helped.



  • Hey.

    I too am in the same situation, except we live pretty close. My advice is to just find out why you always argue, because fighting doesn't make it any better. If you just talk it out nicely without cursing or raising voices, it'll go much smoother. And the part about him going crazy ;; I have to deal with that too and we live so close, he just doesn't feel comfortable with it.. If I were you, I would tell him that it bothers you that he's so protective. Tell him you won't do anything and that you love him too much to cheat on him, or hurt him in any way. If he screams at you, my bet is to hang up. And let everything cool down.. Don't just hang up, I mean, say, "Listen, I really don't wanna fight, can we please just talk it out?" Or "I really don't wanna deal with this, I need to calm down" or something of that category.

    Things should be better soon if you talk to him. I can promise you that.

    I give you my luck :]



  • At the risk of my mature and experienced opinions being lost on deaf ears, here goes...

    Young love is SO intense, basicly because it is so new and hasn't been experienced before.

    I am going to tell you some things you probably don't want to hear...

    You two are WAY too young to be talking of marriage...where's plans of college and a career?

    Although, it's a romantic notion, you really can't live on love...it doesn't pay the bills. And THAT will give you a whole other set of problems to fight about.

    Build great lives for yourselves, then think about sharing them together. A relationship shouldn't BE your life, it should be the icing on the cake of your already good life. it should ENHANCE your life, not keep you in knots and upset all of the time. And it definitely shouldn't make you feel like putting a gun to your head! QUALITY OF LIFE is what I'm talking about here. Is this relationship making the quality of your life better? It should. A healthy relationship brings joy to your life...not drama and worry. Believe me, that will get old quicker than you know...having to reassure an insecure lover all of the time. It drains you emotionally and physically. A relationship should build you up, not tear you down.

    This guy sounds like he has some sort of abandonment issues he needs to go to counseling for...a professional that knows how to deal with his extreme emotions.

    Make a list of all the ways this relationship gives you GOOD ENERGY, and POSITIVE FEELINGS. Then make a list of all the NEGATIVE ENERGY, and NEGATIVE FEELINGS it gives you. If the negative outweighs the positive, then step back and asses whether or not you want to stay in it. And go with your gut instincts about what you REALLY would bre happier doing, and do it.

    Believe that you deserve to be happy and joyful in a relationship, and don't accept anything less.

    Good luck to you!

    SRNC



  • I am also in a long distance relationship of 9 months and about 250 miles. They are hard! And, like you, my boyfriend has had some difficult relationships with women most of his life. But, we did spend time getting to know one another and our boyfriend/girlfriend status didn't start up until we met in person about 2 months ago.

    What I would say is that in a long distance relationship, you have to take care with it, with what you say to each other, and how you keep the relationship going. Saying things that damage the relationship through anger...especially when you can't see the other person at the moment...you know? Those really deal major damage, the hurtful things that are said.

    I wonder if there would be a way for you both to 'take some time' to cool down when emotions run high? It seems he values your relationship, and he might be willing if you are willing, to come up with a plan for when he or you gets jealous, angry...anything like that.

    That is probably oversimplifying, but a long distance relationship must be tendered carefully until you two are together in person. If you think of it, you are setting future standards for how you deal with problems in person.

    And finally, there are two ways to look at an upsetting statement like the one he made about shooting himself. That was a big red flag to me. It shows a lack of discretion and self control, and it shows that he is verbally trying to express his pain in a destructive way. It can be controlling...controlling and manipulating you. Don't forget that. Next time he says something along those lines, you might see if he is a controlling/manipulating person OR if he's just expressing his misery and sadness, by getting him to redirect misery and sadness. You could try "Sounds like you feel so very down and sad, honey!" or "Gosh, I can tell how upset you are!" My words sound goofy typed out there, so you'll have to find your own voice.

    If you can get him to express it other ways, or if he can tell you understand and he can continue without comments of self harm, great! But, if he can't, I'm telling you that he's manipulating you. He may not be aware of it, and lord love him....but you aren't the fixer of that problem. He is. Maybe that worked with other girlfriends, but don't let it be something that causes you to compromise what you think and feel is right and comfortable.

    Good luck to you, my dear.



  • thanks to all of you that have helped and im going to think really hard about what im going to do this is such a big decision...but thanks i appreciate it a lot



  • Yes distance is a huge huge problem..but then your guy has issues from his past that will always be destructive in the present. He is carrying in a previous hurt to your relationship and taking it out on you not intentionally but this is what happens with people who do not work on themselves and start up a new one...It's called BAGGAGE..Your much better off moving on and not dealing with this because you cannot change him and his behavior. ...This hurts alot as I understand, plus you have distance between you. What if you were in driving distance would he be on your every move every second over jealousy????

    Be true to yourself --- realize your worth more.

    Good Luck....