My heart aches

  • I am in need of comfort. My mother in law passed away on Saturday. I am so sad. My husband has not been in touch with his family for about 3 years. He grew up with an extreme amount of physical and mental abuse and neglect. He tried for years to be a good son and move on with his life, but it finally got to be too much for him to deal with, and he no longer wanted that influence to effect our family. All he ever wanted was for the abuse to be acknowledged. An apology or some sort of remorse would have helped heal the pain. She never even told him she loved him. His siblings continue to abuse him mentally, so he had to let it all go.

    He told me a while back that he expected this would happen soon, and that when it did, he would not go back for the funeral. I had hoped he would change his mind. He has tried to prepare himself for this. Now the time is here, and I know he is hurting, and I do not know how to comfort him. I am just spending time with him, and holding him when I can.

    I always hoped things would change, and he and his mother would make amends. Now it is too late. This just saddens me. I knew his mother well. I truly believe that she loved him dearly, but did not know how to show it. I also believe she suffered from some mental and emotional problems. I am so sad for them both. I am also sad that my daughter never really knew her Grandmother. I also grieve the loss. I also fear that her spirit may be in a dark place now. I so hope that she will come to me or my husband, and give him the peace that we seek.

    If anyone gets any insight on this, please share. Even some comforting words would be welcomed.

    love and blessings to all.

  • MissyMill, I am so sorry for your loss, and for your husband's grief. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send you strength and healing energy.

    Your mother-in-law is not in a dark place. It sounds like she was alot like my mom, in that she was maybe too proud to say "I love you" or "thank you" or admit that she could ever do anything wrong. My mom is like that. She's emotionally and verbally abusive, but then will deny that she is, simply because she sees herself as perfect. I don't worry about having her approval anymore, because I've learned that no matter how much I succeed, she will always look at the dark cloud instead of the silver lining. When I graduated from Stanford University as a paramedic, she would still call me stupid, even though my paramedic peers complimented my work. I could be President of the United States, and she'd still think of me poorly because I'm not Queen of the World, lol!

    Your husband needs to understand that being abused was not his fault. He is not stupid, nor worthless, nor any of the other negative labels he may have heard. He is not the one with the issues, she was.

    Which brings us to where she is now, and what's going on. I have dealt with ghosts and spirits all of my life. As a result of this, I have also studied them, because of my experiences with them. And because of my experiences, I have learned from them. Please know that your mother-in-law is not in a dark place. She has gone on to the Afterlife, and there she has been made to understand what she did while here, and how it affected those people around her. When your husband someday meets her again, she will have to make her amends then. But she will also be a "better person" so to speak, as all the negativity and character flaws, such as emotional issues will be healed. There will be love and comfort and understanding on both their parts. This is just the way that it is in the Afterlife.

    I would urge you to find a copy of a book called "Life After Life" by Dr. Raymond Moody. Dr. Moody was a heart specialist back in the 70's, who had a number of patients who died and came back to life. He started noticing a pattern, in that when they came back from the dead, they were telling the same stories about what the Afterlife was like, so he began to study it. His findings were amazing. I would urge you and your husband to read it, as I truly feel that it may help you both to understand a little bit better how things will be, and also to help begin a healing process for your husband. It's a wonderful book, and you can find a copy of it at Amazon books.

    I pray that you both will be able to find comfort and peace. Many hugs to your family!

  • Missymill

    It's not uncommon that abusive people come from abusive family themselves. Therefore they didn't know better. Cycle of abuse can stop if someone stands up to it, it's dangerous but it's worth it. Your husband has done a wonderful thing. He stood up to the abuse, cutting communication with abusive family. I believe he will not be a part of this cycle, he will not be abusive to anyone or anything. He is strong enough not to be influenced by his family's abusive behavior so he will not continue the cycle.

    I was once in his shoes. I was sickly as a child too, and it was physical and mental abuse. My parents did not know better. They were orphans, adopted by some relatives and had to work for them such as taking care of the relative's children. They didn't know the love of parents, and therefore couldn't show it to me and my brothers. I never earned much money through work, so I had to live with them until I got married. So I spent the whole 25 yrs of my life in this environment. My brothers, also didn't know better, so pretty much I was the one that always got the beating, being smallest and youngest.

    The universe played a big role in my life, in my survival. I had no one I could trust. Not even friends, they were only there for good times, but not when I was down. My heart was broken quite a few times I didn't even want to fall in love anymore. Only in studies, I never failed. So this is where the universe helped me. All throughout my youth I craved for knowledge, pretty much anything. Occult, psychology, health, history - you name it. I read a lot and I learned a lot, although only a few things I remember now. I realized what really happened. The abuse. I asked around to find out family history and got my answer. So I decided to stand up to it. I never bowed to my parents anymore. Everything they said, I only accepted it if proven right. I trained myself, in any way I can, the skill to survival. Nothing big or complicated, but at least something that can help me survive longer. One of my brothers learned some kind of martial arts, I read his training books and learned his weak points. It was a lot to take. I know exactly how your husband feels. I too, felt bad that I even thought of doing something to my own family. But we all have the right to survive, to defend ourselves from harm. I am entitled to make a choice, and I choose to fight back.

    The physical and mental injuries still plaguing my health up to this day. I am 34 and still working on full recuperation. Only last year I found a spiritual break through and I gained clarity about my life, about the universe role in my survival. Through inner work and more helpful people and spirits sent by the universe, I am improving. I didn't know how much spiritual work can help mental and physical recovery until now. Some things can't be recovered completely, because it was done continuously and I wasn't taken to hospital right away. But I certainly improved much faster in other areas, nurturing my physical and psyche altogether.

    I would suggest you read books by Sandra Ingerman. If your hubby is undergoing physical and psychological treatment, reading her books will be very very helpful. I suggest reading Healing the Toxic Thoughts and Soul Retrieval. You'll understand why I suggested them.

    Sorry for your loss. He can't dwell in the past. The books will help him understand and connect to those who can help him th same way I was helped. Try it.

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