Tearing Down My Walls (Advice)
Side Note: I tend to ramble, so for all those readers who skim, I'll do my best to break my ranting into an attempt at manageable sections. No promises.
Apologies in advance for the length.
I've spoken to precious few of you, so for the majority who do not know me, I'm Kordelia. I've had a couple of readings done here, (Another thanks to all who took the time for me), and have floated on and off without really saying much for quite a few months now. Like I wasn't really here at all truthfully, so I suppose this could be considered my first real ello to the tarot.com forum. Ello tarot.com forum.
I'm an 18 year old Pisces, who's ached for my twin flame since 14, and is only quiet when it suites me. I usually try and avoid giving out my age, if only to also avoid the inevitable eye roll that comes with telling someone that I'm 18 in search of an intelligent conversation. I understand the basis of the teenage/young adult stereotype, and maybe it is my youth talking, but I've never felt like I came across as the typical teenager. But I'm ranting. Back on topic. Yes, I'm 18, I mention my twin flame, only to give some insight on where I am in life, and the last part is more just to round out the sentence into three equal parts. And also as an attempt to make myself sound self-righteous, when deep down, that couldn't be farther from the truth.
And I just took a paragraph to explain one sentence.
Next: My Purpose.
I’m writing this thread, (and with my luck in the wrong area, inevitably infuriating someone), as both a way to express myself in what I feel is a safe place to do so, but also as a soft call for any advice the people of tarot.com have to offer. This is not a fish for a reading, though I fall prey for “the need to know” just like the rest, so readings are always welcome. In the end though, this thread is mostly for myself. To vent. To share, which isn’t always easy for me. To release even a minor part of what swims among my thoughts, in hopes that this helps, when all else has not.
Read if you like. Comment if it suites you. Go if my barely coherent dribble threatens to split your head in two. It is what it is.
Thirdly: The Main Of It.
This is not my life story, (though it may feel like it). This is not a scenario that needs evaluating. I guess the best way to describe what I’m about to try and convey is an emotional problem. Psychological perhaps, I cannot really say. Whatever you call it, I’ve tried my best to fix it on my own, which is how I like to fix my problems. On my own. But, I suppose it goes without saying, that my stubborn loner approach hasn’t worked so well.
For the near entire span of my life, I’ve slowly but steadily built up walls between me and others. Me and the world. Spiritual, magickal, solely emotional, I’ve built myself a wonderful little fortress, where nothing gets in that I didn’t examine and scrutinize first. This approach, this viewpoint of the world from behind my walls has numbed me in times of great need, and protected me when I’d have snapped otherwise. My walls were just like a favorite baby blanket. They were familiar, and life was how I felt it should be.
But I needed them then. Or at least felt like I did. I needed to be strong and untouchable, and for a time (my adolescent years mostly) I was able to discern when the walls needed to come up, and when it was safe to let them down. Back then I could come and go from my fortress as I pleased; I did not always have to stay hidden. I could leave if I chose.
Now, thanks to a man who I loved dearly, I realize that somewhere along the way, I lost the keys to my own castle. I’m trapped behind walls that my own two hands built. My heart, which should have always been opened, is locked up like a convict wrongfully accused all in the name of its protection. I’ve come to the point, where I finally want to trust. Where I must trust. And I know that’s what I must do. Trust. Instead, I push without effect against myself. I don’t even know where to start, what to address first, that will set me free of this prison I’ve built for myself. All I know is that I want out. I want to be able to trust without muttering side thoughts of what will this person want in return. I want to forgive others of the past, and forgive myself in the process. I want out now.
Yet I’m afraid that the price for my numbness then is my suffering now, in a world of my own design.
…Maybe I should build a ladder…
Lastly: To Sum Up
This is what I offer up to the people who may know better then I how I should approach this. To any who’ve gone through something similar, or to anyone who just feels the urge to speak.
Because it is exactly as it must be.
As you built it up, so you tear it down. Where you envisioned walls and stone, now see walls being torn down and your armour becoming transparent. You are the builder of your own fortress and you can be its destruction. Use repeated affirmations like "I am not afraid for people to get close to me" or "I trust that i can handle intimacy" etc.
But first and foremost must come the DESIRE to tear down your walls and reveal yourself. Examine whether your fear is of other people coming inside to hurt you OR fear of other people seeing you for who you really are (and maybe not liking it)?
It's probably a mixture of both, though more the latter, then the former...though the latter, in the end sort of leads to the former. Thank you for reading through my nonsense by the way, it means a lot. I guess I'm afraid that once the walls are gone, I'll just snap back to my helpless child self. Or have no inner strength at all. Though it's true that there's some image issues too, that's probably messing with me. My fear of losing my "bad ***" persona in the face of people who believe me to be sarcastically aloof with no feelings whatsoever. Of course it's just as likely people don't really think that at all, that's just what I think they think of me.
But I know if i get past that, and come out, that I'll be as happy as I've ever been. I can /feel/ myself, my real self, happy out in the open. And it's driving my current, not so joyous self a little crazy.
i understand what u mean. i can't give u useful advice. seeing as i'm in the same situation. i do notice that the more information i seek the less progress i make. almost like it blocks me in more n more. must be a pisces trait lmaoooo. kidding. i also notice, that the less and less i try and read into certain things, the more i'm able to walk freely and breathe w/out worrying who watches me. what they think of me. if they do things because of something i said, did or just because i breathe. its an awesome feeling when you start to care less and less about the mistakes you make or you think you're making. ya feel? sorry...my own personal babble. but i understood what u said. i'm 26 going on 27 soon. even if our own life situations differ. just hang tough. and confide ur troubles in prayers. something i hadn't done in a long time. i find it helps relieve my burdens every time. God bless.
hi! i had the same problem all my life long. there was only one person from the opposite s-e-x i let in, was good for a while but then things went wrong. i interpreted it for myself as a failure and a mistake i made in believing that letting down the walls is good.
i broke up with my ex about 3 months ago. and though im half involved with another man now, i feel that i am (rather unconciously) building the fortress again. i know it is a bad thing to do and i try not to, but somehow i remember how it felt when i had the walls up and me inside alone, and im kind of longing for that security.
It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this, and thanks so much for reading. Not that I wish this dilema onto anybody of course, but still I'm glad you shared. I'm slowly trying to let go of my need to "be someone" in front of people, and not fully myself. Maybe one day, hopefully one day soon, I'll be able to. I can't imagine you won't get through your own emotional block though. I'll pray for us both. And again, thank you.
Thank you as well, for replying! I understand all too well feeling like a failure, and wondering what I could have done differently, after finally allowing someone in. But at the same time, I don’t think it’d be where I’m at if it weren’t for him showing me that it is possible to connect with someone. Sort of both reaffirmed my faith in humanity, and just as quickly crushing it, if that makes any sense. And I understand all too well the craving for that secure feeling emotional walls give. That untouchable, and therefore pain free feeling. I only wish I could find a balance between wanting to connect, and wanting it feel safe. But balance has never been a strength of mine.
Kordelia: I'm slowly trying to let go of my need to "be someone" in front of people, and not fully myself.
Katie: i understand that totally and can relate to it. it is even hard for me to be completely myself in front of my best friends. are you aware of your complete natal chart? would be maybe useful to know what other signs influence you. honestly i dont rely completely on astrology but reading a lot about myself in an astrological view helps me a lot to understand myself better.
cause take me: im an aqua as sunsign. but i have virgo rising and moon too. influences me a lot. so after i got to know it, i started to understand why i dont fit so completely into the aqua traits.
as finding the balance it is so hard, and not only with letting the walls down still take care of myself. having strong aqua and virgo influence at the same time, causes me an all time inner struggle... like i dont understand how can i be so opposites at the same time.
i suggest really check your natal chart, might really help.
I've had a very basic natal chart done. On this site even, if I remember right. Both my moon and rising sign is in Aquarius, though that'd probably mean more to me if I read up on Aquarius's in general first. But inner struggling is certainly no new thing to me. Being Pisces alone isn't one of the most balanced signs, but start throwing in different signs, and no wonder I'm out there. Still, it makes sense that I should look more closely at my birth chart, maybe make some sense of my tendancys, and how to break them. But you've had that problem too? The finding time to take care of yourself, while juggling around trying to let people in, and all the internal work it takes. Then having the extrenal crap demand your attention too? It's tiring.
The way to know how to be your authentic self is to be the same way in public as you are when you're alone. You don't wear a mask when you're alone or with animals.
One mistake I've noticed that self-conscious people make is they think everyone is looking at them and watching them and judging them. In reality, everyone else is too busy worrying about how THEY are being judged and their own problems to pay much atttention to anyone else.
One of my favourite definitions of happiness is the saying - "Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, Dance like no one's watching, and live like it's Heaven on Earth."
Hello All. I just had to respond to this thread. First of all, I am a 53 year old Pisces with a Cancer Moon, and Libra Rising, and finding balance in my life has been a life long struggle. My heart goes out to all of you trying to balance your Pisces hearts! I am in awe of the awareness you all have at your young ages! I have found awareness of my journey to be both a gift and a burden. There have been times I have thought that I would love to be back in the time when I was oblivious to the work my soul was trying to do. That usually doesn't last long, and I joyfully and consciously return to this journey. Just so you know, at 18, I had no clue; at 30, still oblivious - living from all those fears; wasn't until my early 40's that my whole world was turned upside down, and inside out, and I began this part of my journey.
I'm not going to tell you that I have balance in my life all the time, but I am so much better than I used to be, and life doesn't knock me around too much any more. The key for me has been finding something to keep me grounded, and as TheCaptain said, finding my authentic self. Yoga keeps me grounded, and has been instrumental in helping me stand in my own truth. Yoga has helped me tear down my walls, and opened my heart more than I could ever imagine. I have learned that I don't have to trust anyone else, I just have to trust myself. There is much freedom when you learn to trust Yourself. Once you trust yourself, you find you don't need those walls. Trusting myself means honoring myself in everything I do, and making sure my intentions and motivations are pure. Another thing that helped me was embracing my shadows. We all have them, and I think that's what we are trying to balance. Once I accepted my whole self, the good, bad, beautiful, ugly, kind, mean, etc. it was easier to be my true, authentic self. Good luck to you all! You are beautiful, healing souls, and have great gifts to share!
I haven’t really thought about it that way, but that’s a really good point, how most people are just as worried about how they’re coming across to pay to much attention to anyone else. It makes sense though, it really does. I love the quote too, and hope that one of these days I’ll be able to say with honesty that I’ve achieved that kind of inner peace to be able to live my life accordingly.
I always wondered though, if being different around different people was simply a way of showing another side of your real self depending on the person you were with, or if it was just another way of hiding who you were. Because I know for a fact I’m not as open, or as calm around certain people, as I am around others, but I can never tell if it’s my being fake, or if it’s something else.
First, thanks so much for joining us! It makes me only that much better that I’m not the only one going through this stage in the world, but that it is possible to get through it in one piece! I’m thinking that I’m in need of something to hold onto, and keep me in check, so to speak. Something, like you said, to ground myself. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m quite forgetful and find it hard to keep up a routine of self work if it’s only myself keeping the structure. If that makes sense at all. But like you, with yoga, I imagine something like that would help. Maybe that’s what I need to get into. Certainly need something to keep my scatter brained self focused on keeping things in order. I know my authentic self is in there somewhere. Just need to find a way to keep her out for good.
If you catch yourself being different around different people, it means you're a chameleon who adapts herself to what she thinks other people want from her. It's living for others, not yourself. It's not living an authentic self which doesn't change according to what other people want. It means you don't trust yourself to be you. You also may do that because you don't trust those particular people not to hurt you. People who don't trust themselves often attract untrustworthy types.