I need help with advice please
I do past life readings here.
I have healed from the past of sexual abuse from my father and emotional abuse from my mother. Now after letting my mother back in my life after a 6 year break, she is at it again. Every other call I get from her is her asking me about my father, putting him and his family down, which is bad for us kids and our children and grandchildren, and now, I have asked her for years and repeatedly to stop asking me about my childhood. It opens up wounds that I have healed. I told her about pedophiles on Oprah and to watch it to get any more answers, DO NOT CALL ME ABOUT THIS, I told her. The last straw was last night. She called me about it and my feelings on it. I raised my voice to her and she still would not stop. I have told her I all I could.
I am right now dealing with bad finances, my closest family member, my brother, with stage 4 cancer in the lymph nodes of his neck, and now this.
Should I lay it on the line once and for all telling her I know she knew what was happening? Let the chips fall where the may? Should I tell her I will hang up if she talks about it? Should I get her out of my life once and for all?
Thanks for listening. This happened more than 40 years ago and I closed the door after going through much healing. She wants it open and I can not live with that. Life is too short.
I would have never been ale to forgive my mom on this
you are very strong
love and blessing to you!
ale --meaning able
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Hi - while I was not sexualy abused, my father was an abusive alcoholic. My mother was emotional abusive to us (i am sure sure did not know this at the time). I had questioned my husband's drinking for many years because of his familial history with alcohol. He didn't get violently drunk. He just got detached. This was the kind of alcoholic his father was also. I found myself turning into my mother - yelling at the kids, getting no relief, because my husband was just tuned into the tv, or hiding out in the garage drinking beer. He was emotionally unavailabe to me, but blamed the emotional unavailability on me. In that respect, things have been better since he left, but ai still have problems detaching and not treating my oldest daughter like my mother treated me. Now when my Mom calls, its always about her. I can never tell her my problems. I always have to listen to how her grass won't grow, or how she has to get the trees trimmed or how her neighbors don't rake the leaves in her year and they blow over to her yard.
She was never the kind of mom who would say: Everything is going to be okay, honey - here have a cup of tea. I always have to listen to her problems which, to me, are either the problems everyone faces (the economy), or are trivial inconveniences (the leaves, the grass). When her husband was sick and dying, then I could understand her needing to call me, but I have so many of my own problems and I have had so many of my own I just can't handle it anymore. I don't need to listen to it. I also know that if I told her about my problems i would either get something like "I told you so" or - she would give me an answer that only corresponds to her particular view of the world, which is fairly narrow. I just rarely talk to her and answer her emails shortly - no extended conversations. There is a book you might want to read. I think it is called "Toxic Relatives". The other thing you can do - get a telephone id set up and don't answer her calls. Make her leave messages. If she leaves her questions and such on the machine, play them back to her and tell her, DO NOT ASK ME THESE QUESTIONS. I WILL NOT ANSWER THEM. If she continues to press. DO NOT CALL HER BACK. If you can't avoid this, you can always say - "I do not remember." It works for presidents.
My father sexually abused me and my mother emotionally abused me. I have cut them both out of my life and it is great. I highly recommend a book by Dr Karyl McBride on Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, as well as this website: http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers.html
they both have lengthy discussions re: the decision to cut a toxic parent from your life.
I so am feeling your pain...so many things in your life right now...and now..this...
I too have a much loved brother with a whole bunch of medical issues....and have been out of work for over a yyear...so I understand the trapped haunted feeling that can overtake someone...I try so hard to stay positive...knowing that that miracle will get here sooner or later...but am so impatient some days...but...at least Im not dead or so I say to myself...
but as far as the issue with your mom goes..my advice? cut her out..completely...I can't even begin to understand what sexual abuse must be like..except..would imagine the feelings of guilt that must have been engendered in your child mind..residual feelings must still haunt you at times. I sense from you a magnificent victory..of having overcome that..but...sometimes sneaky little negative thoughts live way in the dark dusty corners of our minds...and come scurrying out to make our lives miserable..
If your mom knew what was going on...she was as guillty as your dad...she enabled it...she deserves neither your love nor your respect for allowing that man to take away your innocence..just because she is your biological mom...where is it written that this tie should be respected...when she was the one that violated the bond in the first place? the woman is not even worthy of your contempt...
the closest thing in my life that I can possibly even compare it to is a relationship I had in my mid-twenties...a musician...a lovely man...til he started to lose himself in the bottom of a bottle...I pleaded screamed cried begged...but nothing worked: cos he did not have the will to change...and I couldnt do it...
So, one day...woke up...knowing that I needed to cut him out of my life completely....and I did..and it hurt...but if I hadnt loved myself enough to cut free...I would have spiraled downward...
And that is what you need to do..LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH!!!
No excuses, no rationalizations..no wondering about what people will say...just...do it...for you...
I will send all my well wishes your way....please keep me updated....and if you ever need to talk..or vent..I will be your crying shoulder...
Love and Peace....tiggersmom6
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Be very clear and straight, "If you CHOOSE to discuss this, You CHOOSE the consequence, which will be me hanging up on you. I will not speak to you if you cannot respect my wishes."
- Or words to that effect.
This is So not ok...
Your mother neglected her duty of care towards you on so many levels, she should be humbled and truly thankful that you give her the time of day at all, Soapmaker!
If she cannot follow your simple request, she is Choosing to continue on the disrespect and abuse into your adulthood.
Clearly, your mother needs therapy to release these demons that are haunting her and I feel she is seeking to cleanse herself by exposing this issue in your light, without your consent or permission.
It feels to me like she is exposing you to abuse all over again, however you now have the option as strong, grown woman to say "NO!"
Make no mistake my friend, if you are clear with her and she chooses to continue, it is her and not you that has severed the relationship.
You do not have to tolerate this total lack of regard for your wellbeing from anyone, least of all your mother.
You have endured so much and have come such a long way; do not allow Anyone to drag you down, you gorgeous woman!:-)
Feeling quite indignant now,
Sending you a big bubble of pink light to diffuse this ugliness,
Soapmaker tell her exactly how you feel when she ask's these questions and if it makes you feel better tell that you know she knew. Tell her she is opening old wounds and you really prefer not to talk about it anymore. She is dealing with her own probably self hatred and wants you to share her pain. I'm so glad you have moved on, i was often molested as a child but I was made of strong stuff and refused to be a victim. I always say "a girl child is not safe in this world." But actually a boy child is not safe either. You are a wonderful person and don't allow anyone to make you feel less than you are! Praying for you. Be strong.
I know how difficult this must be for you. I experienced a simalar situation, but it was with a priest. Yes, my mother also knew, and perhaps that was the biggest betrail. Over the years, she never ceased to bring up this mans name, although I had begged her to not do this, as it inflicted extreme pain on me. Finally, at the age of 50, I decided to handle the situation. I wrote a letter to that priest who had molested both me and my younger sister. As a Scorpio, the letter did not come from the stance of a victim, but of strength, and I assure you, he took my response to his behavior to his grave. I sent a copy of the "Famous Letter" to my mother, then held an hour's conversation with her by phone, all the while not allowing her to respond, and in no uncertain terms, let her know how I felt about her behavior throughout the years. I ended the conversation by telling her there would be no further relationship between us unless she chose to respect my feelings, and unless the relationship would be continued on an adult level. I refused to take her calls for several months, until she sent me a card saying that regretful things happened in all families, but where there is love there is hope. We reunited, and the subject was never brought up again. I knew she had gotten it. That was exactly what I needed, I needed to be heard, and not discounted. For the remaner of her years on earth, our relationship was lovely, and I was able to help her die, because I was at peace with her. At her death bed, my husband said, "now I know, it's the things that we don't say that kill us, not the things that we say". I would strongly encourage you to gather your courge, and speak the truth to your mother. It could possibly change your relationship forever. I truly understand, as I have been there. I send you my love and support. TOSCANA
I respect you tremendously for how you have dealt with this enormity(I don't have words).A lot of abused kids grow up to be abusive in turn ,but you have been so loving and giving in all your relationships and even online.This too will pass.Stay strong and firm,but one day you will forgive your mother too.Protect yourself first ofcourse from any further assault.
Am sending you hugs,lots of love and prayers
If I can help in any way let me know
Love and Light to you
Hello all dear friends,
Witch woman you filled my heart with joy.
Poetic, thank you. I have told her again and again and she will not listen. I forgave her truly, years ago. She will not stop the abuse. I emailed her this morning telling her I have had enough that I love her and will always, but I can not take this behavior anymore.
Tuscana, I have tried that route. she called me in 2000 to apologize for her betrayal in letting my father back in the house, not for allowing it to happem earlier. I know she has to deal with it. I have tried to get her into the right place of now, not the past. She will not let go of it. Thank you for sharing and I am glad you found peace.
Suramya, thank you. I have gone passed so much that I saw the signs again and won't go there. I forgave her a few years ago by seeing myself in her shoes. I knew at that moment that I was nothing like her and sympathized with her and forgiveness I gave to her.
I let her back in my life when my son was married 2 years ago. She made me quilts and sends me yarn for my charity projects, then calls me with all that I do not want to talk about. I ended the relationship in 2000 explaining I need time to heal from the past. When my father died in 2002, I sent her a beauitful card saying that at that time I was thinking of mortality and wanted to let her known forgiveness was in my heart and I still loved her. No response.
Then I paid for all the burial things for my father to help my brother, who is now sick.
When my only child was getting married, the kids came to me and asked if I wanted her there. I told them it was their day, I had no problem with it. I could handle it. So she came with her husband. I got my courage and sunshine on and went to hug her as a greeting. Her arms stayed by her side and she mumbled. I told my self I tried. Then after a few months I called her and said thank you for attending my son's wedding and that she looked beauitful. The relationship started again. It was lovely for awhile but now has moved back into abuse.
Love you ladies! You are all so sweet. This too shall pass. I have learned the lessons. But I am sorry to say she has not.
Blessings to all.
Hey Lovely Soapmaker,
I get the impression your mum doesn't possess/hasn't developed the emotional & spiritual depth & maturity that you have, sadly.
I have personally experienced how difficult it is to take the higher ground when it's your own mother. I find it really difficult to not blow a gasket when she speaks about events or people that have been abusive and traumatic to me, without acknowledging my feelings or any regard to how it may impact on her daughter.
After many years of trying to understand her as another adult with her own tapestry of experiences that have contributed to her psyche, I have come to the conclusion that in order for her to deal with her feelings of guilt which she dismisses, she has to keep on revisiting the people/event with someone who was involved - ME! - irrespective of how this may effect me.
Although my mum is highly intelligent, well travelled, sucessful ex-business woman, when it comes to emotional issues that she finds confronting, she becomes VERY reactive and defensive, blaming everyone, unable to reason or see beyond her own anger & pain (she's a Scorpio).
She is like a tanty child, & I reckon she hasn't matured in this department due to her own experiences being too painful to look at and move beyond. Viewing her from this perspective helps me to feel more compassion instead of outrage, and amazingly, I have been able to calmly state my needs (on occasion). I have a ways to go with being calmly assertive with her but I am working on it and improving with time.
That relationship is so fraught with all manner of emotions, just a minefield.
One thing I'm thankful of though, is that although I still feel the effects of abandonment and betrayal and neglect from my childhood relationship with my mother, I am so mindful to be there for my daughter, not allow anyone to breath the wrong way in her direction and be very clear with her how much I love her, there is nothing she can't talk to me about and instill a strong sense of self respect so that she will not tolerate Anyone disrespecting her.
Because I have this first hand awareness of not feeling valued as a child, I try and look at it from the perspective that I will make sure my daughter will not go through what I did/do with my mother. I have found that extending love to her and treating her with the consideration that I would have liked, has helped me heal somewhat as an added benefit.
I don't mean to waffle, but I thought it may help in some way to share a little of my experience;
please don't think I mean to compare my experiences with yours as I can't imagine the trauma you must have been subject to by the two people you were completely dependant on, blessed with a precious life to nurture and protect. My heart aches for that little girl; I would love to go back and swoop her up into my arms and whisk her away from all harm.
Don't feel respsonsible for upsetting her Soapmaker, as an adult you are in a position to protect and defend yourself now. The choice is hers to cherish you now or continue the abuse which will result in her losing your company.
Sending you love, comfort and warm friendship,
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I think we must be having a cyber-kerfuffle!
There was no offence taken, and Certainly none intended my friend!
That's the problem with this form of communication;can't see expression or hear tone of voice:-)
It's easy for a little misunderstanding to form, but not to worry!
I wasn't sure what was meant by 3 spaces down - how is your brother going?
How wonderful that you are surrounded by so much love and support Soapmaker; you have indeed been blessed.
I have pondered the perspective that we choose our parents to further our spiritual growth for many years; it's difficult for me to consider objectively why I would have chosen that experience, other than perhaps I would have been too comfortable and complacent with a loving, supportive family and not hit many rock-bottoms that propelled me on a search for reason/meaning quest.
I would love to hear your viewpoint regarding this thought.
I'm sure we're not alone when it comes to "mother issues", and I think your post & experience may just open the way for others to vent, share & heal a little.
Thank you Sopmaker for sharing your lovely self with us all,
Warm friendship and hugs,
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HI, IT'S ME AGAIN I WANTED TO ASK U ABOUT ME AN MY GIRLFRIEND. IM A LIBRA AN SHE IS AN AQUAIRUS, WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGATHER OUR BOUND WAS OVER WELLMING THE STRONGEST I EVER FELT IN A RELATIONSHIP. BUT NOW ITS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SENCE IVE SEEN HER BUT REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON HER NO MATTER HOW MEAN SHE IS TO ME, I DO MY BEST TO GIVE HER, HER SPACE. NOW ALL I DO IS CALL THIS NUMBER THAT IS TO LEAVE MESSAGES ONLY. SO I CALL TWISE ADAY ONCE IN THE MORNING AN ONCE IN THE EVEING TO SAY GOOD MORNING AN GOOD NIGHT, ALSO HOW MUCH I LOVE AN MISS HER. AT THE SAME TIME I LET HER KNOW THAT I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON HER LIKE SO MANY HAVE DONE BEFOR. ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS DO I GIVE MORE SPACE, STAY THE COURSE,WILL SHE EVER COME BACK TO ME OR JUST WALK AWAY AN BURY A LOVE I SO HUNGER FOR, WHAT'S MY NEXT STEP. THANK U AN I LOOK FORWORD TO YOUR ANWSER. (WINTER'S COLD)
I would suggest to stay away a little bit. Let her miss you and she may come back. Don't be to easy to get a hold of.