Want help with b-friend



  • sylvannah

    Hi all. I've been with this guy for 3 years now. He is an alcoholic and right before I got with him, his wife did a number on him so I've been trying to be there for him. I do everything for him and still, 3 years later, he will still pick drinking and hanging out with his buddies over me. He just turned 40 the day before Christmas. What should I do? Does he even care about me? I just want to be acknowledged and appreciated for all I do. Will he ever respect me or at least change / try to a little for me? Do I mean anything? (sorry, didn't know how to start a new thread but figured this out)

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  • Also, his wife was very controling and quite neurotic. Every single person I have talked to, never has a nice story about her. When she left, she even took the ceiling fans.!I won't take anything that is not mine. Even if I bought it. If it was bought for them, then once it is given to them, it is theirs.



  • When you say you've been with this guy for 3 years, it doesn't sound like he's been WITH you by the sound of it. More like with his drinking buddies. His marriage would have made him wary of commitment. Why would he want things to change when you are giving him everything he wants without him needing to commit? I really think he is just using you.



  • I agree. It is more me really. I just know he is a good guy that terribly lost his way. I did recently give him an altomatum so now I am just waiting for him to basically to "screw" up



  • Advice: the guy is an alcoholic. You have become his co-dependent;enabler. Leave while you still have your sanity. They do not change for you. They expect you to change for them. His exwife may have been neurotic and a wacko before she married him, but there is a very good likeliehood that he drove her into her neurosis. Alcoholics and other abusers can make themsleves appear very very much in the right. They have the ability to push the buttons of the people that take care of them ,deny their existence.expect them to do everything for them, critcize what they do, say things then switch around the words they use to make it look like the other person is remembering things wrong - in short, they drive their partners and their families insane. Leave while you still have your soul!



  • you're right. I was just hoping that hitting 40 might instill something in him. He has always been an alcoholic for as long as I've known him. He hasn't been drinking that much lately because he can't affoed to but at least he can still get up at 5a every morning and go to work.I was just hoping with that him turning 40 and seeing that he has someone there, I have told him that he will never find anyone ever again that cares for him and loves him like I do but I won't be here forever



  • First off, i'm not a psychic, Im speaking from life experience. Take it how you will......You are trying to convince yourself of one thing, when you KNOW it's the other that true!! Admit it!! You KNOW in your heart this deal is wrong... and "being there for him".... let his "mommy" do that!! A relationship is a TWO WAY street, and one cannot carry the load. You are trying, and are seeing it doesn't work! He chooses to drink and hang out with his bud's over you.. he is TELLING you how it is!!!! Are you LISTENING???? Unless an Alcoholic acknowledges the fact and quits.. he will never change. This guy isn't.... also, people are "wired" they way they are, YOU cannot "change or reform" a PERSON... they are who they are. My EX wife is a perfect example... "oh i'll do that, i'll change", etc etc.." well you see she is an EX!!! Same with my 2nd (and last) wife... HER EX was an alcoholic, hid it well... but after less than 18 months, she told him good bye...........spending his kids (not hers) Christmas money on booze was the lighthouse beacon she needed to see!! She bought them gifts, then told him good bye!!

    My personal take from the school of "reality and hard knocks"??? You are a good person. He is NOT! Find someone WORTHY of you, and blow this guy off. Not worth your time and effort, he is focused on HIM, not you. Sorry, but you asked!!



  • Oh, and my 2nd wife?? 13 years of Bliss... after 17 of hell with the first!! You know what you DON'T want now, go find what you DO!!!



  • You are absolutely right. I just hate being alone and I don't go out. I need him physically right now more than anything else. I think I will quit always being there. Let him see what he lost and will NEVER have again. I love everybody else and I need to learn how to love myself. It has never been about me. I am 38 now, and I think I should try.



  • Well looks like we are in the same boat reading your comets and how i could help you made me realize i am doing the same thing with my wife or ex .If i could just get her to realize at the lieing is destroying us i tried for 9 years and she made her choice to get divorced rather than to tell the truth and i gave her every thing i could even gave her a 6carot ring for our 20 year anniverseary and had to ask three different times if she was going to wear it , today 1 year ago she served me divorce papers i realy thought i had found my soul mate we were one until the lieing started 9 years ago i had to move out of our house she cleaned out the checking account and now i am living in a travel trailer in my daughters yard been unemployed since feb 5 of last year 2 days before she served me papers i can not fix her just like you can not fix him i have looked and looked to see what i did wrong what could i have done better there was nothing so why did she make that sacrafice i dont know thats what drives me nuts but its like that with a alcolholic but you and i have a choice i have lived 26 years with out a drink and today i chose not to drink and i can not change any one except my self and only then with the help of a power greater than my self and i chose to call him father he is the one who brought me into the light and i am very gratefull and i found him threw AA and threw AA i found me and becomeing the man i always wanted to be my hope is to continue trying to be a better man i hope this helps you i needed to hear this myself my hope for you is to find peace within .



  • Sylvannah, you think getting older will make him more understanding of you and less of a drinker? It's more likely to make him worse if he's still an alcoholic at forty. He's used to being that way and will not change.



  • Alcoholics do not change. They are always alcoholics. Even if they are not drinking. That is where people fail. Alcoholism is both a physical and mental disease. Its both a physical and mental addiction plus it chemically affects both the mind and the body. Even if an alcoholic stops drinking they can NEVER drink again. I know no alcoholics who have not relapsed and none that were forthcoming with the truth when they did relapse. I have to say also, that there are other addictions that are just as disrutpive to relationships, even if they do not involve drugs, alcohol or gambling. There are people who just have addicitve tendencies and if they aren't addicted to one thing, they will be addicted to another,



  • That is true. He is has turned 40 and he is not drinking (as much) I was hoping he would get addicted to something a little more constructive. I can tell he is trying but I think we both know.... it is just a matter of time.I think he is starting to appreciate me more but in the end, it really won't matter. I just don't like to "give up" on anything. I just hope he figures somethoing out before it is medically too late. I don't like to see anybody unhappy and miserable but I know, that's where he is headed and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just feel like I failed but I didn't if you put mine and my daughter's life in perspective. I am doing everything for her now so I won't be around anyway.His life nor my life really matter. Hers does. I have to be happy though for her and I won't find it with him. I just need to get completely over it.


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