Husband with a issue, need help!!!



  • Hello all I was wondering if someone could give me some insight on what they "see". Here goes Ive been married now for 3 years and been with this woman for 10 years. Of course like all other relationships you have your ups and downs. We have been into it lately after our first year married. She has this "guy" issue that bothers me. She thinks every guy wants to be her friend, which me and her both know thats usually not the case. Its been a few instances where ive seen certain messages and her lying about different issues. We have been going through this for a while and now its to the point to where im extremely fed up and is thinking about divorce. I know I can't rely on people to give me an answer and I know its up to me but I just wanted to see if anyone "sees" anything. I love this woman very deeply and would do anything in the world for her. But for some odd reason I dont believe shes been entirely honest with me. I feel if I can do it, it can be done on her side as well. All I ask for is honesty!! Love and prayers goes out to all that reads this and to the ones that give their insights!!!! Dont know how important this is but Im a Sag 12-04-1981 and my wife is a Cap 01-19-1985. Yes we are young!!



  • Hmm, I am feeling you like to be the boss in your relationship and believe you know best, eh MWright. Perhaps your wife is a bit 'rebellious' and 'unpredictable' and doesn't knuckle under to do what you want? I feel you get a bit too defensive at times and need to call upon more compassionate understanding. You also have a fear of being deceived and have quite a lot of irrational mistrust in you. You do more taking than giving because of it.

    Your wife probably finds your tendency to withdraw or isolate yourself quite difficult to cope with, too. So you are not the easiest person to live with. Cut her some slack. She likes to be liked and accepted, and sometimes she looks to others because she feels you don't like her or disapprove of her ways. She feels she cannot relax and be her real self or honest with you because she thinks that will make you dislike her. Your wife is rather naive and innocent so she genuinely thinks people want to be just her friend. Basically she is just looking for a good time - she especially loves being out in nature.

    Bottom line - if you want to save your marriage, loosen up a bit and try to be more caring and sensitive to your wife's needs instead of worrying about yourself so much. Your wife will feel comfortable enough to open up and be honest with you when you relax your rigid stance about being in charge.

    A person who is getting everything she needs at home doesn't need to look elsewhere.



  • Dear MWright745,

    I agree with The Captain with the last statement. But two factors trust and openess I think plays an important key factor in any relationship or marriage.

    If the tables were turned how would your wife react? Would your wife do anything for you?

    Rooster5



  • @ TheCaptain yea your right about the boss theory lol! Yes I have a fear of being deceived because shes deceived me so many times. Everytime time trust is building itself back up from crazy things she did she knocks it right back down. I think about my wifes needs more than my own. I have to make sure shes ok before anything. Maybe I just devote too much time to her. I rarely do things for myself and when I do its a problem. I really appreciate your response and love goes out to you and yours!!

    @Rooster5 Yes i think my wife would do anything for me and as far as the situations if the tables were turned she tells me she wouldnt have the same issues im having with her. (as far as the other sex).



  • Hi, If you all have been together this long and have been faithful, then I almost feel like your wife has been kinda sheltered (protected) by you. I agree with what the Captain said about her being naive and innocent. If it's easy for her to enter into friendships with men, I would tell her to weigh on the side of caution, because after all, that is the opposite sex. I know that it's uncomfortable for you to hear about other guys. You are very right in thinking that not every guy wants only friendship. It's hard to be a spouse and parent at the same time. I feel that she probably doesn't have the experience of being cheated on, lied to etc. Not everyone's intentions are honorable. Some men can paint a very alluring picture that's deceptive. I wouldn't be jealous but would warn her quite honestly about people because sometimes parents don't always teach children about these things. Tell her to be careful. Tell her that you love her because I'm sure you do.



  • Dear Mwright745,

    I think you love your wife more than she loves you. Change the balance of the relationship.

    Rooster5



  • MWright, there is a very fine line between looking after someone and trying to control them.



  • Hi all. I've been with this guy for 3 years now. He is an alcoholic and right before I got with him, his wife did a number on him so I've been trying to be there for him. I do everything for him and still, 3 years later, he will still pick drinking and hanging out with his buddies over me. He just turned 40 the day before Christmas. What should I do? Does he even care about me? I just want to be acknowledged and appreciated for all I do. Will he ever respect me or at least change / try to a little for me? Do I mean anything?



  • @ TheCaptain I understand what you mean and am evaluating that also thank you much

    @Rooster Change is good thank you for your insight

    @It seems she may have fell in that deceptive and alluring picture according to another poster she has cheated on me. Kinda shocked right now dont know if its true or not!!

    Can anyone elaborate?? If not I appreciate all your thoughts and insight love and peace to all!



  • Sylvannah, we are still trying to help MWright here. Can you please start your own thread?



  • I would say, when relationship goes at this point, sometime words are not of use to keep going.

    the main question is why she hides stuff from you?? -- because she has found herself powerless to convince you on the conflicting issues --for your commanding attitude that goes against her core system of beliefs. You are showing her your rules and can't deal with hers anymore. but maybe its time you to change, not that much she

    show her your feelings, (hurt--love--change of anything) without saying much,

    be sincere--believe yourself how you feel before show it to her

    give her space--a lot of space---she needs space

    she needs space so you want to see how she can come back to you and you truly get what you want

    let her do her own stuff also-- time out yourself -- if you do all for her than taking for granted is expected

    remind yourself what did she ever liked from you at your best times and reenforce these

    criticizing and controlling can distance people and the last thing you want to happened is to make her play the role that she loves you but in fact she may have fallen out of love for you but she can't even believe it herself

    falling out of love happens easy when communication fails

    get out of your self and do the best to save you relationship

    good luck!!!



  • Dear Mwright745,

    I think it is a hard to make the relationship work if both parties do not trust each other. It is time to sit down and clear the air. If you do not the situation will escalate then unkind words will be said to each other. Sometimes you can not take back what you said in the heat of anger.

    I wonder what intrigues your wife to make these relationships? What is wrong with just the two of you? It seems that your wife brings in a third party as a friend but why?

    Rooster5



  • Man Brick that does make sense. I dont thnk she loves me like she used to. weve been through so many guy situations its crazy. And everytime we got into it about a guy I came down on her hard. Thats just something I dont believe in. But your words have gotten across to me like everyone elses. Peace and Love to you and yours!!!



  • Hi Sylvannah, I think your probably in the same boat as his ex. I believe that you can't change him at this point. Probably can change your own path. Let him be the pursuer. You can't play his mother. Back away start enjoying life more and see what happens. I think you may have some abandonment issues.



  • @Rooster I wish I knew why myself but like I said I dont see a reason for it. It just bothers me and now by me finding out from another poster on this site that she has cheated is even worse.



  • I think I do have abandonement issues but in reverse. I don't like to abandon anyone. I have ALWAYS taken care of everyone else and now I need to take care of me and I don't know how and nobody else does. No matter what, I've always been there but I want to live for myself but just don't know how.



  • MWright, who said your wife is cheating?



  • He goes by the name Hanwolfgang. I asked him for a love/relationship reading and I asked that question and he answered. Dont know how true it is though!!!



  • p.s he said she has cheated



  • P.S. I have started a whole new topic.