Partner's anger and diabetes
i am struggling severely with my partners type 1 diabetes and angry outbursts. i'm not sure if i can take any more. it is an insidious disease i know but there isn't much support for the partner. he has alot of repressed anger related to the illness but i feel like he blames me too much.. then when the argument escalates i find out his blood sugar is low. he changes into a compleletly different person, and its scary. i do love him but it is hurting me so much. he is also cusp scorpsag so he already has a feisty attitude which doesnt help all of this. we aren't living together anymore havent for two years because i struggled with lack of sleep sometimes- he would often be restless in the evenings and sometimes bake cakes or eat food to counteract low blood sugar.. and our sex would be broken because of him trying to bring his levels down, i would then get tired and irritable myself, and have repressed anger too that this disease was also affecting me, and would often be grumpy when i woke up in the mornings. just seems like this vicious cycle. and the catch22 is when we are arguing and he is stressed( which he is alot cos he thinks alot about everything) it affects his blood sugar and moods. i feel like i am often walking on eggshells around him. like i said being a scorpsag he likes sex but it doesnt always go according to plan.sex is really important for me. but if there has been alot of fighting then i struggle to feel close to him. masturbating by myself seems to be making it worse cos its creating too much distance and becoming too comfortable. we are all out of synch.BIG SIGH . and because we both have trouble trusting it is making matters worse.
is there anybody out there in a similar predicament? or someone who could offer some help? i am struggling to get support with this. thankyou
sorry, missing parts = s.e.x
well first off im only 22 but i might be of some help here, im assuming there are people on here that will be able to help more about the S-ex thing lol but on the Diabetes i have more than enough experience, my dad is diabetic and has been for about 10 years so that would be type 2 diabetes, but my oldest sister was born with type 1, on a daliy basis it seems my dad is very restless, he doesnt like to sit still and if he does he thinks hes wasting time, and because he is like this he gets alot of low blood sugar levels and you can tell when he has them, he gets moody, even a very little thing can set him off, and then when he gets REALLY low on sugar, he starts to shake and stutter and cant really talk right, my dad doesnt check his blood like he should, he just takes his pills and eats and doesnt do anyting else to monitor what level his blood is at. with that said i will move on to my oldest sister.
ahhh (this might be a little rough for me) my sister at age 32 in 2006 passed away from her diabetes and she was born with it so it was a life long battle for her, she really didnt take care of herself like she should have also but she was better than my dad, she was put through alot in 32 years, and been in multiple car wrecks(one she was ejected through the windshield) and also another one was that she had a "low" while she was driving with her 9 year daughter in the back seat and my sister passed out and she ended up rolling her car multiple times, but they both were ok cept a broken leg, another time when she had a "low" was in a movie theather, (just like you said that they become different people? yes they do very much so) my sister starts flipping out and she is trying to fight with us as we brought her out and she went into the bathroom and it seemed as she ate something and used bathroom she was fine when we already had called 911 and they had already came lol but after she calmed down she said that "in her mind" she thought that we were some sort of bad guys that were gonna kill her and thats why she was fighting with us,
when you have a "low" your mind isnt right and honestly it shouldnt happen very often if they are taking care of themselves like they should be doing, everytime when he has a "low" or angry do you ask him if he's eaten anything? or if he checked his blood??? if you do that that probably make his a little more mad or maybe it makes him realize that he didnt check his blood lol, well i gotta go i would type more but no time now, gotta go help my dad on his damn car, wonder if his blood is low? lol well take care
Okay, this is my two cents' worth, and please don't be offended by what I say. I'm a grouchy old nurse who's seen a LOT of diabetes. Yes, I am a nag, and that's what I get paid to do, so let the nagging begin! LOL!
First, I'm assuming that your friend is noncompliant. If he's monitoring his blood sugar, eating properly, and using his insulin, then he shouldn't be having the extreme blood sugar highs and lows like he's having. If he's following his regimen and still having these problems then there is something wrong with the types of insulin he's using or his insulin times need to be readjusted. He also needs to look at what he's eating.
Diabetes is a VERY common disease. A LOT of people have it. If he doesn't know what to do, he needs help RIGHT AWAY. There is a LOT of education available regarding medications, eating plans, and so forth. If you don't have a good doctor or nurse practitioner you should start looking for one, but there is also a TON of good information online. If you can find a good dietician, all the better. Read, read, read -- the more you know, the better off you will be. Diabetes can kill a person (or make them wish they were dead!), but I also know many people who deal with it successfully and lead happy, healthy lives.
Ultimately, however, your friend has got to be the one to take control of his own life. I know it's a bugger but he has GOT to do it before he starts losing body parts to that dreadful disease. Before he knows it, he's going to be losing toes, feet, legs, his eyesight, or have a heart attack. He can't spend the rest of his life blaming you, and you shouldn't take his nonsense, either. He can't use his blood sugar as an excuse to treat you, and everyone around him, badly. If he knows, and YOU know, that low blood sugar causes him to spin out of control, then you need to control it. And yes. If he's a diabetic, he can kill himself by not controlling his blood sugar. Too high or too low, both can be lethal.
Maybe you should outline your feelings on a piece of paper and discuss it with him? Present it from the angle that 1) he's killing himself by not seeing the doctor and/or caring for himself properly, and 2) he's hurting YOU with the behavior he displays when he has low blood sugar. I would tell him what you want from him: ie, see a doctor, go to a dietician, etc. Of course, he will likely be angry or resentful or in denial when you talk to him, but he HAS to hear it straight from you, and straight out. You can help him with his goals once he's committed to helping himself, but he has to be committed to it for it to work. Maybe you can say, "Call me when you're ready to work on this. We can work on it together," or something. Just think, you guys could go on walks together, work out together, you name it. BUT, be prepared, most people have a hard time accepting the fact that they have to live a different lifestyle compared to everyone else. That's why there are so many diabetics who die young or start losing body parts: a lot of diabetics just don't want to tackle the extra work of being so vigilant in their health care.
I've gone on too long and now I'm probably not making any sense... anyway, good luck, and get HELP.
thankyou chevelleman71. i am so sorry to hear about your sister. i am also worried that my partner may die from it, and lately he has been talking about his death and how he wants his burial etc, although that could be because his grandfather died recently. i can relate to the part when you say that she thought you were bad guys- i get the same feeling from my partner it is truly so frightening when one minute they seem to love you and the next they wouldnt care what happened to you.
because we dont live together anymore it is difficult to know how well he is managing his blood sugar levels., but yes he does get very defensive if i ask him if he has eaten anything or if i want to check his blood. its very upsetting. its like he hates the world for it. and is almost given up and just wants someone to take care of him. but if i try to do that he then doesnt believe that there is anything wrong, goes into denial and then blames me.or he feels patronized.
deep down i also feel bad because i dont really want to have to take care of him as much as is neccessary and i fear its only going to get worse in time and i will feel trapped having to bare the brunt of his moods. i feel resentful cos it is not my illness yet it seems to become mine. i feel so guilty feeling this way and it confuses all my feelings for him.
thanks for your help
Goosemama- thankyou for your input. ok. the thing is he does exercise alot- does physical outdoor work and surfs alot . i really don't know all of his levels through the day- i used to check is monitor but he hated it do i stopped and i felt like he "diabetes police"
i have suggested that he go and see another doctor but he has refused he thinks its all ok if he is eating healthily. the problem is if we have an argument he will often turn to food. he is on a type of insulin that he says lets him eat when he wants throughout the day rather then have to eat three set meals. and he says he wants to be able to surf when he feels like it rather than having to do it at a set time, which i can understand. it is all very controlling for him .hence his love of freedom.
it saddens me that he would rather lose me than lose his freedom. i could do the letter thing but i am worried that even if he got help with the diabetes that he would still have angry outbursts. he has said to me that it wont change things he is who he is. that could just be a case of denial though.
i have read that even if someone is monitoring their levels all day and eating right etc and the levels are all good sometimes the body will just throw something up anyway cause a disruption in blood sugar. he says this to me too. i know my step father also said the same thing. seems like stress plays a big factor.and the mind.
in your work with these people have you encountered aggression and violence from blood sugar levels?he can get very snappy at the tiniest things.
when i was living with him he had a few hypos in the middle of the night where i had to get the ambulance out. it was scary and he was scary, he would have convulsions in the bed his whole body seizing up, me trying to inject him. i would be crying scared that he would go into a coma. it was very upsetting, and then he wouldnt remember anything the next day. he changed his nighttime insulin since and he says he doesnt have hypos anymore. so that is good. but he is still having outbursts. i cant handle it. im so tired right now.thanks so much for your help and support
sorry for all the typos i had a rough night
i felt like the diabetes police not him.
Wow Stranger! It sounds like you've really been through it all.
Yes, I've seen and taken care of combative people with low blood sugar, and also ones with high blood sugar (DKA.) Either way, these folks don't feel well, and you're absolutely right, you can't reason with them, they're irritable, argumentative, belligerent, and want to fight about everything. More often I ended up with the ones with the really high sugars requiring insulin drips. And you're right, stress and illness can make sugars go haywire, and usually sugars go up in those situations.
Do you ever feel threatened, like he might hurt you?
I know you really care for your "surfer dude," but I can't help but think that you deserve better. You know the old adage, you can lead a horse to water...? It seems like you've been trying to help him, but he just wants to be left alone, and he doesn't seem to be treating you very well. So maybe it's time to spread your wings...?
Lots of good threads started here Stranger where you can get free readings! Good luck to you, keep us posted.
oh goosemama i HAVE been through so much. thats probably why it is so hard to let go. i do still care about my surferdude(lol) .but you are right he isnt treating me well.
do i feel threatened?
he has never hit me but he has pushed me out of the way. i guess i worry that it could happen though so i guess i do feel threatened. it is very difficult for me to be objective sometimes to remove myself from my feelings of personal hurt and insult when he is having an outburst .I have also recently been on a diabetes forum and its incredible the amount of women in the same situation as me. i guess i am often unsure whether it is just plain abuse or it is the low sugar thing. alot of women have posted that they too are often scared, that they completely change it truly is like dr jekyl and mr hyde. a large number of these women have left their marriages. it truly is sad when i think about it. and i feel guilty.
my wings feel damaged right now. yes maybe i will try a reading sometime..
can i ask you though.. how many people that u treated were able to turn their lives around? did you ever see or hear of people having good relationships? i honestly dont want any sugar coating of this diabetic thing. from what i have read it seems like it is very difficult no matter what and it usually gets worse in time. i know there are moments when its good ..
i said to him the other night( two nights ago the night of the mr hyde) that i feel like he is waiting for a women to fix his life for him. he stared at me. i know it went in there( it was before he changed- who knows maybe the stress of me telling him that set him off?)
the thing is ( maybe cos i dont have children) that i do feel like i have that inner nurse thing going on, that i want to take care of him, feed him custard like my little boy. oh. f.u.cking dear
LOL just re-read what i wrote- "sugar coating"
Hi Stranger! You know, I've never worked on an outpatient basis or on a med-surg floor so I haven't had a lot of long-term dealings with diabetics, plus, you have to consider that by the time I was seeing them, they were usually pretty bad-off. I didn't have the benefit of seeing those who WANTED to take care of themselves. The best experiences I've had though were with fellow staff, and some of those folks did totally change their lives for the better. Once they got the diagnosis and the education boy they were unstoppable! It was really empowering for them to get it under control.
Wow, that's pretty powerful, what you said to him! Hey, the way I see it, at least you're starting to realize what's going on, you're starting to recognize things for what they are. Do you have any relatives in other states, or friends you can go see? Do you work at a job where you can take a vacation and leave for a while? I wonder if taking a break from it all will help you clear your mind? It might make you miss him, but on the other hand, maybe you will find an opportunity? Do you have any pets that you can baby?
hi goosemama, yeah i know it was apretty full on thing to say i can be a bit tactless and critical sometimes. its just that i desparately need to see him taking care of himsaelf all that time not jsut some of the time . i know that is really hard cos its a difficult disease and not everyone understands the ins and outs. maybe i was too harsh? i think it was stemmed from my fear. it wouldve really hurt him.
i dont know going away . i went away before for four months last year, came back (both live in small town) and got back together again. i could go and visit a girlfriend interstate for a while. funny you should mention pets, i did actually pet and hose sit for a friend who lives nearby and loved it, although very sad when had to leave - formed bond with the beautiful dog.
if we were to split for good i would have to go interstate , sell or rent my house. i guess im scared. i don't think he truly loves me, surely he would not have those outbursts if he did? or he would've come round to say sorry by now? he is a brooding scorpio though..
sorry more typos im not so good at this!lol
Stranger- I am reading your thread and I am so glad you started it. After reading some of the stories I think that this was the best idea. I mean I can a bit because of my dad but it seems that when your dealing with somebody who's not ready to help themselves you cant help them. My dad has worked very hard to keep things in check.
That's the difference. My dad knows his problem and knew he needed help and got it. I think your guy is still on the fence. So yes I know a bit with his mood swings, but after reading these stories I don't know if I can relate after all. If anything it would be my mom who could more, she lives with him.
I'm sorry if the advice I gave you hurt you or was poor. I meant it all with the best in my heart.
Stranger, I don't think what you said is bad at all. He doesn't have to agree with your opinion. He could have just as easily said, "well, I think you're wrong, and this is why..." As long as you understand that it's fair game for him to come back and say, "I'm happy with my health, now leave me alone."
This is what I'm seeing. HIS problem is an anger problem, possibly a health problem. We don't know how much his anger is influenced by his blood sugars because he isn't taking them unless you force him to. I suspect it's a little of both. But at any rate, from HIS point of view, neither of these things is a problem. YOUR problem is that you don't like how he's taking care of himself, you don't like his angry outbursts, and nothing you're doing or saying is influencing him in a positive way; in fact, you're only making him angrier. It's a cycle. So the way I see it, and again, this is just my opinion, you need to decide if this "problem" is worth owning. Nothing you're saying or doing at this point is improving anything because HE doesn't see it as a problem -- it's only a problem to YOU. If he isn't willing to work on controlling his anger and if he doesn't see his health as a problem, then it's YOUR problem and only you can decide how much more you want to tolerate by putting yourself in that position.
I don't hear you saying anything about him asking you to come back (when you were gone for 4 months), apologizing for his behavior or anything. Is he? Does he want to work on the relationship? Or does he just assume that you will always be there? Is he irresponsible and expect to be mothered, or do you think he just wants to be left alone?
I know these are hard questions.
Oh and BTW Stranger, I wanted to add, you're in good company. I'm not trying to slam you in any way or make you feel bad. My dear husband has some anger issues too and I put up with it for WAY too long. You know, you're raised to be tolerant of other people and respect their opinions, so you aren't in the habit of being assertive and nipping things in the bud to begin with... ah yes! I SO understand! And I said for years, "if I acted that way he would have been out of here in a heartbeat." Now that I'm getting older and starting to suffer from female hormone issues, well, the dear man is going to see first-hand what I've been up against. Not that I WANT to act that way, you know, but hormones... man they make you want to beat your head... or somebody ELSE'S... against a wall!!!!!!
yeah you know today i feel lighter. well the sun was out it was a beautiful day especialy in the morning i had lovely swim in the sea it was so clear and sparkly, just beautiful. ive been feeling that today what you said, really taking it in and feeling that it ISNT my problem. i think where i have been going wrong is trying to stand my ground with him but then bending my snappy legs too much when the pressure has been on.i haven't been consistent in holding my view. i forgive too easily and thnk stuff it he's in a good mood and being nice things will be ok. but they don't last. sigh. this is a long road to understanding thats for sure!
hey thanks for being so understanding.. and good to know you can relate!
"Now that I'm getting older and starting to suffer from female hormone issues, well, the dear man is going to see first-hand what I've been up against. Not that I WANT to act that way, you know, but hormones... man they make you want to beat your head... or somebody ELSE'S... against a wall!!!!!!"
haha! yeh well what can you do hey! i guess there is such a thing as karma
thanks for saying that. i think i have been feeling so overwhelmed the last few days i havent really been able to think of anyone much past my own c.rap. at times like that especially when im a live wire of hurt feeling! and please don't think in any way shape or form that you have hurt me-no!! its the silly scorp man that hurt me.. or rather the silly me that let myself get hurt!! i am still reading your posts to see how you are doing and glad that flowsco and kel are still giving you advice. its a lovely big community here with alot of caring people, i never realised how supportive it could be.:)