Lawdawg - (other cancer experts) Your input needed please



  • dvdm>>Trust, i don't know how long it will take to trust anybody again.

    Sandran712>>Same here..I do not trust many men.But, my intuition ususally does that part for me.So the pain of getting over it is not that unbearable.Always remember Actions speak louder than words.If the guy is not making an effort I don't either.It works both ways.And so does that door hitting them in the a-s-s- on the way out!..



  • To INSPIRED928...

    .I moved your post over to have I lost my cancer bf for good thread.Lindieloo could not find your post.



  • Hi Katie

    Yeah, thanks for the comments. I spent the valentine weekend with my leo friend. As you know leo, she got all of my attention and I had none left for the other women I was dating. It's all innocent as I meet them through on-line dating and go out to lunch, dinner, or a concert. Sometimes I think some women go out with me for the free food. Anyway, a couple of them shut down after I did not call them for the three days. I think they got use to the Cancerian attentiveness and figured I was "out" when I did not call back.

    But the Capricorn sent me on a guilt trip. She acted as if I has committed to dating her exclusively or something. She kept going on and on about how she expected her man to treat her with attentiveness and communication. I wanted to say that I was not her man yet and with her attitude I never would be. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I didn't comment on that. Wrote her an email later telling her that I had just wanted to be friends. Haven't heard from her since. I'm not that good at dating multiple people but If I don't at this point I end up putting too much into one date and when it doesn't work out I have to start all over. This way I just switch gears and continue with the next one. It balances out the ebb and flow of looking for that one mate who will be it.

    I tell you one thing, I envy the way women are able to bury their desires and march forward. I can't match or even walk after several weeks of no companionship. I think that applies to men in general. Probably the reason we get into so much trouble in and out of relationships.

    I'm meeting woman that seem to have committed to a life of celibacy. Strange, what do they do with all that libido? Anyway, there's only so many high s.e.x. drive year available. Why waste them on pining over some dude? After, thirty is dog-years from there to retirement. I don't see letting anybody steal those precious years.



  • Lawdawg>>I'm meeting woman that seem to have committed to a life of celibacy. Strange, what do they do with all that libido? Anyway, there's only so many high s.e.x. drive year available. Why waste them on pining over some dude? After, thirty is dog-years from there to retirement. I don't see letting anybody steal those precious years

    Lua>>I was celibate for 11 years, from age 36 to 47. I did it because I went through some very bad s e x u al expriences for about 6 or 7 years-just plain bad s. e x, and it was better taking care of myself s e xaully. I think men go for quantity than quality, but for me, I'd rather read a good book than have bad s e x , unless I really loved someone then it would be "excuseable". I had a libido, but most of the time i had to come home from a date and had to take care of myself anyway, and it was much more satisfying. But falling in love didn't happen before s.e. x..so I gave up. I don't know why I made the cancer guy an exception, but I'm glad I did because it was the best ever..maybe that's why I am hung up on him, s.e x ual compatibility like that is nearly impossible to find, so I'd rather wait for it for months than date someone else. And as for high s.e.x drive years I think that depends on the person, I am 48 and it's stronger than it was in my 20's.



  • Hi Lawdawg!

    "Sometimes I think some women go out with me for the free food."

    Katie: im sure you are on the right track when you say some women go out with you for free food. i think a lot of women are like that. i mean we as women always talk about how bad men are and how we do not understand them. but i see how women are, morover in my generation and sometimes i really feel sorry for men. so i know there are a lot of bad women too.

    "...a couple of them shut down after I did not call them for the three days. I think they got use to the Cancerian attentiveness and figured I was "out" when I did not call back."

    Katie: honestly that is that mostly disturbs/hurts me in my crab's behavior. that he dealt with me so much (and i did not request it, he did it by himself), for a month total intensity and suddenly one day i wake up and 'he is not around'. i mean just try to imagine it, how you would feel. cause if two people are for a month intensively together... and then suddenly one of them pulls back... the other stays there wondering what the heck happened.

    at least that is what happened to me.

    but back to you, yes probably they thought you were "out". well that is easy to solve i think. if any of those meant something to you in any level for going on with them, you should explain. i mean tell that you were busy or whatever... if not, then nothing.

    what you write about the Capricorn woman, well... i guess she very much put her heart into it already and was expecting from you the same. it is not your fault you didnt, you simply havent felt like that. and the fact that she didnt respond to your 'let's be friends' email is something you have to accept. i am a very accepting person, so even if we are not broken up yet with my crab (but still, kind of hanging in the air), i can very much separate the two 'fields'.

    i go out with the group and i behave with him absolutely normal, no negative comments, no trying to pinch him. i am an adult, and as a person, he is great, he never hurt me... as a man... that is a different story, but i leave that out from our group meetings... what i wanna say is, that i can handle it (it is another story that when i go home after these meetings i fall into a deep sadness, cause it does affect me that i see him), but there are women who cant handle it at all.

    i understand what you tell about dating multiple people. i couldnt do it (at least right now not yet). but i completely feel your point of doing it. i say again, until you are honest with all of them, you cant be blamed for anything.

    "I envy the way women are able to bury their desires and march forward. I can't match or even walk after several weeks of no companionship. I think that applies to men in general. Probably the reason we get into so much trouble in and out of relationships."

    Katie: well, that is just how nature is. i think it really works differently with men than women. which of course does not mean that women have no s-exual needs.

    look, im 28 and i do miss s-e-x, but i wont go down to a bar or disco and pick up a guy and have s-e-x with.... i just simply cant do it. somehow i need a lot of trust and knowing the person i am with. maybe it has to do with low self-esteem too, i always have to be sure that they really want me, that they wont be disappointed. but also, really i need emotions in order to have s-e-x. so yes, i rather dont have sex for a while, then have it with a stranger... cause i know i couldnt emotionally handle that.

    ok, can i now ask something? you remember more or less my story... im in a low again. you know since that great gesture on my birthday... he is more present in my life... but not physically, only in e-mails and textmsgs... it seems like he really cares, followed up all the time while i was moving...

    and he mentions meeting (alone, away from the group) from time to time, but then he always gets out of it... and i dont understand why he does that. of course in group he always has time to meet. and he is always really nice to me. i SEE HOW HE LOOKS AT ME. i mean i can differentiate, and i really feel he loves me... and still... so it is like why did he do that big birthday gesture, if later nothing changed... he still doesnt really want to see me... i just dont understand... he dragged me back emotionally, and now he is leaving me aside again.

    and also... if you are in love or care for a woman very much, but you (have to) pull back for some reasons... do you go and have s-e-x with other women meanwhile? or can you keep your urges back in a situation like that? i mean i get so sad, cause i CANT REALLY BELIEVE that he is not having s-e-x with other women. he escapes so much from me, not even giving any chance to a situation when we could get intimate... so it is like since middle of november that we havent been together in that sense... i just think if he liked me, he couldnt keep himself back... what do you think?



  • lawdawg>>Why waste them on pining over some dude? After, thirty is dog-years from there to retirement. I don't see letting anybody steal those precious years

    Sandran712>>I don't think some of us are pining.But maybe grieving.I been celibate for 16 years.I have dated since then.But, these guys I meet never come back..Sex is never any good in your 20's anyways..All it is...wham bam thank you mam to begin with.



  • katie>>cause if two people are for a month intensively together... and then suddenly one of them pulls back... the other stays there wondering what the heck happened.

    Sandran712>>That is Smothering.It would be for me and I am not a guy.As I said before Cancer backs off from intensively.Cancers run when we see too much of you.We need alot of space.



  • lawdawg>>Wrote her an email later telling her that I had just wanted to be friends.

    Sandran712>>This is where we are both different as a Cancer.I would have told her you need to back up b*** I am not your man.I cannot stand that men use the term friends as a way to tell someone to get lost.It sends mixed signals.And I hate how I think like a man instead of a woman.I've seen alot of rejection to tell the difference between the two.



  • Sandran712>>That is Smothering.It would be for me and I am not a guy.As I said before Cancer backs off from intensively.Cancers run when we see too much of you.We need alot of space.

    Katie: im sorry to say but that is unfair. i wasnt needy... he wanted to be with me so much too. and it is not a problem that after a while it was too much for him, but he could have communicated that... not just pull back... im not a mindreader.... i can understand very well, when people needsome space cause i do need it a lot of times too... it is just the way...



  • Katie>>im not a mindreader.... i can understand very well, when people needsome space cause i do need it a lot of times too... it is just the way...

    Sandran712>>To get along with a Cancer you really need to be a mind reader.Because Cancer's rely on feelings and emotions.All really you can do if you want to stay with this person is accept him the way he is.and learn from what he says or does.Kinda like being married.You know each other so well being together that you know what the other is thinking.This only worked for me because of the high intuition I have.It doesn't work for everyone.But, yes..it does seem unfair that he spends every waking moment with you and to get a break he just disappears.But,..don't they do this anyways???Only difference you got to be with him a little longer than you expected.



  • Sandran: i understans what you say, it is just really hard at the beginning of a relationship. cause you are more insecure about the other's feelings. when you are longer together already, you probably know better that the person just really needs a bit of time alone, and then i have no problem with it. 🙂



  • Katie>.you probably know better that the person just really needs a bit of time alone, and then i have no problem with it. 🙂

    Sandran712>>all this really boils down to is communication.I guess you'll have to keep after him until he understands to make his feelings more clear.And as I see that not seeing him much outside this circle makes you think of a red flag.I would start wondering why you have not had one-on-one time.I guess you would have to start putting your foot down.What the hell is all this texting/emailing craP? There are other ways of communicating.I am sorry but, I do not see this going anywhere for you.You probably see a grocery store more than seeing him.



  • Sandran> exactly that is what i feel, that he is not willing to let me go (for whatever reasons) but he is not willing to face me alone either... maybe cause he thinks that then i will question him or whatever... dont know. i dont mind e-mailing and texting but not as exclusive means of communication and morover not when we live in the same city...



  • katie>>exactly that is what i feel, that he is not willing to let me go

    Sandran712>>You are gonna have to give him a choice.If he is not willing to make an effort to see you alone then you should let him go.Cancer has a habit of holding onto people./keeping them close by.When a back-up falls through they have you to fall on.Cancer's do this alot..I agree with you..You really have to wonder what does he do with his time when he is not with you.I have to assume it's not good.Think...there is 24 hours in a day.And when none of those are being used on you where are they going?



  • Sandran712>>To get along with a Cancer you really need to be a mind reader.Because Cancer's rely on feelings and emotions.All really you can do if you want to stay with this person is accept him the way he is.and learn from what he says or does

    Lua>>I am finding this to be true. I was so used to direct communication but now since I have to learn to be a mind reader I am getting more in touch with my intuition. I even felt it was going to be good to call him last night, and it was.

    Sandran>>.What the hell is all this texting/emailing craP? There are other ways of communicating

    Katie>>dont mind e-mailing and texting but not as exclusive means of communication and morover not when we live in the same city...

    Lua>>I find it strange that you are e-mailing and texting when you are in the same city! Of course that's ok between meetings and phonecalls, even in a friendship there is more direct communication! I resort to e-mailing since mine's long distance, but even then, I am finding out that phone calls work better than e-mailing.

    Sandran712>>You are gonna have to give him a choice.If he is not willing to make an effort to see you alone then you should let him go.Cancer has a habit of holding onto people./keeping them close by.When a back-up falls through they have you to fall on.Cancer's do this alot..I agree with you..You really have to wonder what does he do with his time when he is not with you.I have to assume it's not good.Think...there is 24 hours in a day.And when none of those are being used on you where are they going?

    Lua>>I find Sandran to have good intuition not only in her own life but even with the issues and our situations, so I would have to agree. She's usally right. Katie, you really should see him alone, if only to clear it up and if he's not willing let him go..you kind of have been anyway haven't you? I don't know why he did what he did on your birthday, I thought he really liked you, but if he's side-stepping again, I don't know. He wants to know where you live. Why didn't he just offer to walk you back alone to your flat so you can have some alone time?



  • Lua> he cant offer me to walk me alone home in front of the other friends, cause they dont know about our relation....



  • Time out. Cancers rely on feelings and emotions that is true but sometimes it not just his feelings that are at issue. You guys act like Katie's Cancer is living on an island. I'm like Katie, he must have immediate family, friends, associates and maybe present or potential lovers in his life. So Katie, it would be a mistake to think that all of his actions involve his strict relationship with you.

    Face it, it's time for a heart to heart talk. If he is worth being with you need to lay your feelings on the table. I know this is a risk, but you can't go on with this uncertainty. Know, react, stay or move on. Remember dog-years! The clock is ticking. Tick, tock, Tick, Tock....



  • Luazinha>>but if he's side-stepping again, I don't know. He wants to know where you live. Why didn't he just offer to walk you back alone to your flat so you can have some alone time?

    Sandran712>>Thanks Lua..I just have a hard time finding the right words.I am more into feeling and expressing.Not talking..LOL..This guy has been highly side-stepping.and I just have not figured it out.The right words just have not popped out here yet.I do see alot of red flags.Sorry Katie I will stick with you best I can.I just see something wrong here and I need more time to see it better.



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  • lawdawg: yes i know it should be really the time for a heart to heart talk... but im soooo scared of it. i was so open at the beginning but he pulled back so much that now im really very insecure so i dont even know how to create a moment when i would be able to talk to him seriously about these things. i guess im gonna try. 🙂

    keldjoran: poppin over? LOL

    I DIDNT BLEW HIM OFF!!! it was not my fault. i need internet connection. i would have loved to kick them out. LOL he wants to see me before sunday... yes, he says so, but i believe it when i see it. LOL

    it sounds so funny that you dont see anything wrong in his behavior... well you come from the same crab family! hahahaha but it is good you crabs are here, cause it feels almost like he himself would give me an explanation. ok im just joking...


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