Lawdawg - (other cancer experts) Your input needed please
Lawdawg, months ago you gave me excellent advise. Although it took five months for him to contact me and another 6 weeks before he actually wanted to see me. Now we are seeing each other for 2 months. We have never discussed what happened the previous time, but i have my own opinions about that. Don't want to pry and asking too many questions, i feel when he is ready to tell me, he would.
I would like to hear your opinion about this "relationship". Sorry if this is going to be long.
First i have to mention that i am still going through a divorce case, which will be finalized in 4 weeks time. By the time me and cancer man met, i was already separated for 8 months and in the process of getting a divorce. He knew from day one what the situated is/was. Although the other day when i mentioned that my divorce will be final one of these days, he sounded surprised, asking oh, so you getting the divorce now. (Maybe the fact that i was/is still married was part of the problem...?)
He still confuses the crap out of me. Never tells me something direct but in such a way that it can be double sided. (Might be because i am so afraid to read more into what he is saying) He no longer sends me daily texts like so many months before, but when i contact him, he will respond almost immediatly. While we had no contact he would visit my profile on a regular basis.... his explanation for this.... memories and a bit of curiosity. Also mentioned he wanted to contact me earlier, but were "sh1t scared" (his words... lol)
Our offices are going to move to another city a couple of hours away from here.... he said he would pray i don't need to go, as he doesn't want to jump on a plane everytime he wants to see me. I asked why.... of course not a direct answer... lol. Asking how should he get there then, walk...? Maybe its all my imagination, but its like he is so so careful not to show how he really feels. We were talking about in his language when someone tells you you grow horns, that means your wife is stuffing around, because i teased him with being a little devil. Asked me then what i am doing behind his back. I was stunned, and without thinking says but i'm not your wife. Oh, he says. Told him then, i don't stuff around, if i ever want to, i would tell him.
Add to this, his business is going through some trouble, him having health issues, a friend diagnosed with cancer. What a nice brew.
I have tried to keep it as short as possible and not leaving out small details that i think he was trying to tell me something.
I am having difficulties understanding his ways of putting things.
Would appreciate your input.
May you have a great day.
Sounds to me like he's feeling you out. Cancers have the deepest respect for family and relationships. They would fight to the death to keep theirs and they genuinely respect the boundaries of other couple's relationships. While they will date someone attach, the are always guarded. I get the feeling he does not want to be the reason you do not save or fight for your marriage and he is waiting for you for be free.
Also, Cancers like to be close to their love interest. The thought of you being far away would be scary for him as he's afraid of losing you and getting his heart broken. If this is not the case, you need to give him reasons to believe that no matter what, you want to be with him and that the divorce nor any job transfer will get in the way of that. I don't know how you do that exactly. I'm a Cancer and I just let go of a Leo woman I was very much attracted to because her job kept her away 2 to 3 weeks at a time. I just cannot be with someone that unavailable.
No Cancer can take that kind of uncertainty. Uncertainty, that the key word for this relationship! The Cancer's uncertain about where this is going... You are not divorced yet... You could be moving 2 hours away... And he probably doesn't know for sure how you feel about him. I don't recall your sign? You seem to like this guy a lot. Is that message coming through in your interactions with him? Are you the kind of person that can express your feelings in this forum but have difficulty expressing them in person to your lover? I don't know, but Cancers are highly intuitive. If his intuition tells him to be guarded with you, he will obey that calling. It's like I said before. With Cancer, to get a heart you have to give a heart. You have to show him that you are the one person that would never hurt him and he will let you in. Once in, you will have the keys to the palace.
MY MOON SIGN IS IN CANCER SO THATS MY INNER SELF AND THE POST FROM LAWDAWG IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, HES PROTECTING HIMSELF, ACUSE WHEN WE GET HURT WE HURT SO BADLY IT TAKES AND CONSUMES ALL OF YOU WAKING HOURS, THUS AFFECTING ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE UNTILL WE FIND A WAY TO PUT THAT IN THE PAST.SHOW AND BE HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL ACOUT HIM , THEN YOU WILL FIND YOUR ANSWER FROM HIS ACTIONS. .BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!
I know your on here for advice yourself, but I'm curious as you seem to be going through a similiar experience as I am. You said you didn't hear from yours for 5 months? How did it happen? Because if you read my story mine stopped contact with me too and I'm in the process of sorting out my marriage and getting a divorce. Since he never gave me a reason for ending things with no contact (other than me putting together the obvious I'm still married) I want to get any advice I can to see if once the divorce is done if there is a chance to him still being with me. It is hard since no contact is like severing it. I know you said yours visited your social site (mine hasn't that I know of), but he can keep an eye on me directly as my neighbor.
My story: I was married and unhappy in the early stages of considering/discussing divorce w/husband when I met a Cancer man and was drawn to him very strongly (we would bump into each other at stores we are in synch timing wise) we have a strong undeniable connection where one lights up the other. Well he is my neighbor's son. Anyway, he was apprehensive about meeting me in person to talk, but since he felt overwhelming feelings sweep over him whenever he seen me he decided to do it. Well right away he started talking about a future together after the 2nd date. He made advances toward me and pretty much courted me romantically. We met about 11 times, but he was very busy (workaholic, school, music) and started to distance himself toward the end going through withdrawals. Yet, everytime we met it felt we were falling more and more for each other. He was conflicted about the relationship - he didn't want to hurt anyone - nor did he want to get caught and shame his parents living next door to me! He is 31 & I am 33.
Well everytime he would have a withdrawal I would think this is it he is ending, but then he would contact me again and say he missed me and he just wasn't feeling himself and had been reclusive. He would tell me he didn't know what the right thing to do was, but we had to do what we believed was right. He told me he wanted to spend his life with me and he would wait for me we spoke about it taking about a year and a half. He would always say it was up to me when we would be together.
Well after 4 months into it and after us professing to each other in December we were both falling in love with each other he still was obviously being conflicted - telling me "it was hard being in love with someone you can't be with," "he's not ready to get caught," "he knows he should see me more, but I'm still married. " Yet he would still speak of being with me in the future.
Suddenly, he stopped all contact with me. It is a month today," He will not even read my emails. Although, I can say it crossed my mind he might end things - I never thought without any contact ever again - for goodness sake he is my neighbor - his bedroom window overlooks my bedroom window.
I know we were falling in love and his feelings for me were genuine. He is a deep thinker and it very honest - and for him to admit being in love with me was not taken lightly on his part. He eluded to the fact we were soul mates and said in the end he thought things would work out between us (this was in early December). So I know he loves me and I see him all the time because he lives right next to me! So this no contact stuff is really hard. I know he looks out his window toward mine sometimes.
So any input here for me would be greatly appreciated.
Hi FlowyAir, I will attempt to answer your question. Your Cancer has two issues going on. One he has fallen in love with you but you are not his and as of yet no available. He also is involved in a love triangle with a married woman, albeit you are headed for divorce. He is still the third wheel and is in a very venerable position. Cancers hate to have their hearts exposured like this. Think about a crab with his shell peeled back over his meaty delicious insides. So he protects himself by going inside his shell where he can't be harmed. He will sacrifice his love for you as long as he knows the potential for pain and the shame of breaking up a marriage still exists.
Now, you are looking at this wrong. You are focusing on him when it's time to focus on you. If you want Cancer, you must concentrate on getting out of the marriage. Also, you can't put all that pressure on Cancer to be your healer after this type of breakup . He loves you but he's afraid he won't live up to your needs and expectations either. You said he's still staying at home! To a Cancer this material disadvantage make him think he is not qualified to take you from a family and home. Family and home is where the healthy Cancer's heart lives. He can't fathom leaving his family nor breaking up anybody else's.
You have got to take this time for yourself. Whether you know it or not this divorce is having an emotional affect on you. You need to heal to be healthy enough to love again. Cancers are very intuitive. It is highly possible he feels your pain on some level. It could have been part of his passionate attraction to you. Cancers like to save dansels in distress. It make them feel needed and wanted for the sincerity of the love they give. But you can't live on this. Go into this relationship without first deciding what you want and need out of the next one would be a foolish error.
First, it will end very quickly when you attempt to get from Cancer what he cannot give. Because if you have not defined it for yourself yet you won't be able to communicate it to him. He will leave. That is what Cancers do when they don't understand how to make you happy. So get healthy mentally and physically. Take walks, exercise, join a yoga class. But most of all realize you are no good to anybody until you stop being needy and start being good to yourself.
Thank you so much for replying. He is not the reason that i am getting the divorce, and he should know that. Since i already moved out, to the city where i am living now before i even met Mr Cancer. Only met him 8 months after i left my ex.
I have told him in a mail i do not want to go, and its not absolute necassary for me to go, but will discuss in person. We were suppose to see each other two days ago, but he sends a message to say he will not be able to make it. (Gave a valid reason though) So i am not upset about it. Only a bit impatient to talk to him.
It's about 14 hours drive from here... lol
Definitely to far from him. I love this man with all my heart. Haven't told him straightout yet, but surely after i've been waiting for seven months it should be clear...?
I agree, he might be uncertain. But geez, i am uncertain too. I am not the worlds best communicator, and because of the fact that english is not my first language, many misunderstandings can happen because of this. I am a Taurus woman, and to be quite honest, i am too afraid to open up too much.
I guess the only way to find out, is to take the risk.
I am familiar with your story. As i was still visiting the boards in the meantime.
Well, basically at the time i was going through a difficult time and was very emotional. He, on the other hand was doing as he did many times before and would still do all his life. Haven't heard a word for four days... and i freaked out. Based out of worry, because i did not know whether he was ok. Lost someone very dear to me, and i was the victim of a robbery. So basically being paranoid. The one thing lead to the other, and the more he withdraw the more i got upset. I then send him a goodbye mail, seeing that he did not want to talk to me. I have made all the mistakes in the book.
I am so sorry, i don't have advise. I don't even have for myself. Listen to lawdawg's advise. Follow your gut feel. But remember to live your live in the meantime.
If it's meant to be, it will happen. Wishing you good luck.
Thanks for your thorough reply to my problem. I have to say da-m-n, I think you are pretty on the money just based on a few things you pointed out that I hadn't even mentioned in my post.
FlowyAir: First off, yes he was feeling insecure/inadequate in the money dept. His ex left him partly because he didn't make enough money for her likes. I got the feeling like what you said it bothered him that he didn't make at least as much as my husband does.
Also, when he started to get serious with me one of the things he asked was how much $$ does my husband make. He would not lay off until I told him exactly and then his face (which always reveals his emotions) changed and he got really nervous/insecure looking and said almost despairingly, "well, that's alot of money - I don't make that much money."
At that point I comforted him telling him he made enough money and we didn't need that much money as long as we were happy.
Another interesting point you made that no one else has made either is this one: Cancers are very intuitive. It is highly possible he feels your pain on some level. It could have been part of his passionate attraction to you. Cancers like to save dansels in distress.
FlowyAir: I definitely think somehow me being "sad" as he pointed out and looking "unhappy" resignated with him and he would always say in the beginning ,"Don't be sad." He knew that him just being around me would brighten my day and I would smile so I think he liked that. He told me he liked being a light in everyone else's life. So good point. He also liked though how he sensed I wanted to take care of him also something he has never allowed anyone to do or even admitted as being something he wants... (I'm a nurturer too )
Lawdawg: Your Cancer has two issues going on. One he has fallen in love with you but you are not his and as of yet no available. He also is involved in a love triangle with a married woman, albeit you are headed for divorce. He is still the third wheel and is in a very venerable position. Cancers hate to have their hearts exposured like this. Think about a crab with his shell peeled back over his meaty delicious insides. So he protects himself by going inside his shell where he can't be harmed. He will sacrifice his love for you as long as he knows the potential for pain and the shame of breaking up a marriage still exists.
FlowyAir: Bingo! I think you got it. Yes, I do believe he is sacrificing our love for exactly your reasons - not to get further emotionally invested and perhaps more hurt - plus it hurts being in love with someone you can't be with and of course he doesn't want to get caught and shame himself and his family and be the cause of a family splitting - he feels guilt already I'm sure and shame.
The other thing I'm sure is uncertainty. I just wish I had continually reassured him and updated him with the progress being made -its just that I was trying to pay down our outstanding bills before filing. He tends to speak in very vague terms and so do I when dealing with him. So I was careful not to give any dates as I didn't want something to happen and then not live up to it so when he threw out the timeline in the very beginning of waiting the year and a half - I never mentioned it again - just that I was doing it. However, that uncertainty had to bother him.
I just wonder why he cut it off ENTIRELY with no DIRECT warning it scares me because if he wanted to perhaps be with me in the future wouldn't he have just told me I can't be with you right now under these circumstances right now?
I do know he does not like confrontation and will avoid even the most petty discussion topics if he thinks I'm upset with him.
I do agree I do have it all wrong I need to focus on me. It is just hard when I feel I do not have any closure with this Cancer - living next door - everytime I see him the feelings rush over me and the wound opens. It is hard to sort through my life when I just lost the love of my life.
However, I have to try. I LOVE to exercise, but over the last two weeks have stopped out of depression - I will start again. I do pilates and cardio. I will also work on my insecurities and neediness as I am an emotionally needy person. I just realized me taking care of him and alway sending him emails asking how he was or mentioning how hard he words - helped me as I felt he needed me and I need someone to need me..
Again, Lawdawg you've given me new inspiration and a much needed push. I can't thank you enough for being there for me.
Thanks for your response. Yeah, I try to follow my gut instincts, but with him my instincts have a hard time predicting. Usually I'm really sharp in that area as I've experienced alot in my life.
I wish you luck too - I will follow your story too. :). Lawdawg's advice is golden I think for both of us - we need to heed it.
"NO STORM IN NATURE LASTS FOREVER"
Lawdawg, I feel you have the ability to sense other people's situations very accurately. I'm not sure if your doing it strictly from a Cancer's perspective strictly or also by what sensing things clarvoyant wise.
Let's say I get my divorce over the next few months and get back to living my life as best I can being true to myself. Do you think the Cancer I have fallen in love with above will come back to me if he is in love with me too and want to be with me even though our relationship started when I was married. I mean will he associate me with feelings if guilt or will that begone because I am no longer married and got the divorce without this cancer even being in my life?
I ask this also because if he gets involved with me again ( we never had s.e.x. but made out passionately alot) he will have to deal with eventually his parents who were also my neighbors and new my husband pretty well while were married and he will be indirectly involved himself w/ my ex husband as I have a child with him. He never knew my husband, but let's just say my husband didn't like him (cancer) and would stare at him.
So if he truly is in love with me like he has told me when i get divorced do you think he'd be willing to re-enter a situation he himself has called " not the most traditional"? I just am scared because I know cancers don't like to deal with uncomfortable situations and they are very traditional - so I don't know if him being in love with me and finally getting a chance to be with me could tip the scales and he'd be willing to face these things in the
name of true love.. Please give me your advice and thoughts.
My sense is that the Cancer will be there when you are free. It is rare that Cancer men spread themselves around (Cancer women, now that's another story). Anyway, you and he shared a connection that he is not soon to forget. He will need a clear path. No hiding in the bushes to get to you. If you create a safe haven, he will come...
Thank you for sharing with me what you sense Lawdawg.
dvdm>>He still confuses the **** out of me. Never tells me something direct but in such a way that it can be double sided
Sandran712>> I am Cancer female...This is how we protect ourselves/our feelings.Cancer has good intuition skills.And this Cancer is backing off some because you are still married.We don't like drama.and confrontation.A Cancer does not have to be told anything we feel it.But, we also feel when you lie to us too..And.... Cancer does go back and forth between partners.Whether it's healthy or not.If we can trust a person we run to them.Some Cancers can lie and cheat and some do not.
lawdawg>>It is rare that Cancer men spread themselves around (Cancer women, now that's another story
Sandran712>>You're full of shi*t!...This crack remark goes for men too..Not only women..I've known more Cancer men in a divorce.
Flowyair>>Thank you for sharing with me what you sense Lawdawg.
Sandran712>>You mean NON SENSE.Don't listen ..She's so Full of BULLSHI*T..
Just go ahead and rewrite astrology then. How many cancers have you known in your lifetime. I dare you to find any recognized astrologer that would back you up as saying a Cancer male spreads themselves across. Fidelity, family and loyalty are his claim to fame. Just because you have met the dogs, don't make dogs out of all Cancers.
Sandran712>>Not all Cancers are the same... you said so.Then you come on with this Cancer women have loose morals.We all know that is such BULL...Both men and women under Cancer signs can do the same thing.True... Cancer men don't have the balls to tell a woman that they are not interested anymore.They have to hide behind texting and a stupid cell phone.Cancer men are cowards.And if women blast them for any reason they deserve it!
There are players like Aries and Leos that dump women in emails and post-it notes. There are Libras and Pisces that never say goodbye but that drain a mate to death. There are Aquarius and Scorpio and Taurus males that dorminate women and force them into submission. Is that what you mean about having b.a.l.l.s. If so, no, we don't have them.
As for the cancer women comment. What i was eluding to is the fact that it is easier for cancer women to get manipulated and used for their s.e. x.uality. Their strong desire for home and security many times is used against them and their motherly nature is exploited.
Hope all is well with you.
I have another question if you don't mind.
How does a woman know when a cancer man is no longer interested?
Because of history between me and this man i am maybe over sensitive. Could you shed some light on this please.