How to fall out of love with a cancer man
aquagrrl. In your case you are not with him trying to teach him to be better. You are without him trying to win him over. It's a different position and a different strategy. If he were so inclined, he could walk over and persuade you to be his tonight. The reason for your acting indifferent is because there is nothing else for you to do. You have paid attention to him to no avail. The thought of reversing that tendency was that if he's interested but not making that approach and commitment to seeing you, then you have nothing to lose. Right?
um was that intended for me? down to earth and cerebral?..hm dont really think of myself in terms either like that or in any other fashion..its odd to hear someone categorize me. but no worries... i recall you saying you have studied astrology for some time now and I expect you have learned enough to form your opinion. I would be intrigued to find out more about my combination to see what is 'on the mark'.
As for how and why women tend to 'put off' their relationships let me explain some of what I went through and have also heard from other moms in similar situations. I was married for a long time, but when we split, he left and didn't look back. He left me with the kids, the bills and the pain they went through. I went through a loss...not just of him, but of the dreams we had built together and I had to work through it all and "pick myself up by the bootstraps" and carry on. As I mentioned before, trust is a hard thing to re-establish when someone breaks your heart. For many women getting through this takes time. I had wanted to move on long before I started to. But I kept myself aloof and out of a relationship because I wanted to be sure the next time i went into a relationship ...it would be healthy.
For some women, it is also a matter of not wanting to be hurt again and they sabotage their happiness by fear. Kind of like what you say about the Cancer man not wanting to risk having his soft tender insides being devoured, the broken-hearted woman doesn't want to have her 'shell' cracked either. It can be a shame to not fully live because they don't really risk.
One other point that I will mention is the difference in the sexes regarding sex. For some women the need is too great and they behave more like men than some men. lol. Most men can't fathom being celebate for an extended period of time. The have that 'call from nature' to be in a relationship. All in all, it isn't that 'strange' for a woman to take years to develop a real relationship..or even to re enter into the dating pool. The important part is that they try again.
Thanks for your input.
and please...just call me mia
@Aquagrrl82...I'm happy someone else feels that there seems to be a thin line in playing games w/a Cancer. For a sign that is so deeply emotional and apparently so intuitive that they know what you're thinking, I can just imagine how playing games/acting indifferent would blow up in someone's face. That's why I haven't really tried that. I would hate for him to go, "Well, you acted like you didn't want me!", and then that's the end of it, lol
@Lawdawg, thanks for sharing your experience with Virgo. I have to say, you point out the typical negative Virgo qualities that I always hear but don't necessarily find in myself. I have plenty of flaws, but being a nag and judgmental aren't either of them lol. In some ways I feel very much like a Virgo, but a lot of the time I keep my strongest criticisms to myself because I don't want to go out of my way to hurt anyone. And you're right...a Virgo tongue is super sharp. I've noticed that I can come up with some incredibly hurtful statements, especially when they're based in truth (you know...the whole truth hurts thing. I can say it in the WORST way lol). However, I'm a very thoughtful person and I don't come across as the typical Virgo critic unless I feel it's necessary to say something in such a way (not often). But still, I suppose it's possible that any criticism I have had of him were visible in other ways and he sensed them...
Help me with something, Lawdawg. An earlier post of yours piqued my curiousity when you mentioned that if a Cancer feels he can't measure up to your standards or if he can't give you what you need he'll withdraw or something like that. I've often wondered this about my Cancer. To put it shortly, we come from pretty different homes and were raised in different settings; his was seemingly much more unstable than my own. I attended college, he didn't. Furthermore, I think I come across as a pretty independent and ambitious woman, so I'm wondering if this is potentially intimidating to the Cancer male in his situation? We have many differences, but I'm always attracted to guys who are different than me. I don't know why, but I feel like it makes for an interesting relationship where both people can bring something to the table. I often wonder if he feels like I have some expectation in my head that he can't reach. In reality, that's not true...I would just want him to be a loving and respectful partner who takes care of me and cares for me while I do the same for him....
Wow, I'm starting to write too much. Like I said earlier, there are many other details to our situation that seem too complicated to type at the moment. I hope I'm still painting an accurate description of everything, though. Thanks in advance for any input from Lawdawg and the rest
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found you both on facebook. You are both very attractive girls. I find it hard to believe you both don't have the guys knocking your doors down! To think you girls are driving yourself crazy over one guy in your life. You are both intelligent , attractive and caring. If your cancer guys let you go it is their loss!
"The Cancer mind can scan all of these connections while embracing you in his arms. You as Aqua may not give his money making ability or material possessions a single thought when it comes to love and being with him. He is difference, however, he judges his fitness to be with you or any women on the materialistic. What he brings to the table is very important. If he feels it is less than you deserve, he will not pursue you and will let you go to find greater love. It's a shame Cancers connect love and materialism together but they feel "nothing from nothing, leave nothing" and they at least must have something to give and you too by the way. Remember, don't know your particular situation just giving you random thoughts."
That is so true! All the cancers in my life are like this. Not so sure about this though...
"So, I said all that to say, Cancer expects the devotion and loyalty to stay as a precursor for his love. If he has to earn it, he will never reach that goal because he will be afraid to put forth that much effort and lose. I will say it again, Lose. As a protector of his heart, lost is the worst. Check a Cancer out. If he loses a quarter, you would think the guy was going to cry. This hate of lost extents to family, money, his comic books or his baseball cards. If it's his, it's his,and it had better stay his. So if a woman started acting like she's going to leave if he doesn't straighten up he will be gone in a puff of smoke or he will drive her out by doing the very thing she despises... "
i did everything I could for years to drive my cancer away because he was driving me crazy. He wouldn't go but still did me wrong every chance he got. When I finally told him I was done with him and his dirt, holy cheese, he straightened up. We had been together for alot of years before that happened though. I've told him that unless he makes me believe that his love is real I'll pull the plug and not look back. He knows that if i cut him out of my life it will be completely with no looking back. I won't even pass him on the street if I can help it. I thought it would be over when I told them these things. I told him that somewhere out there was a man who would really love me, not cheat on me, that would when he was close to me. I told him it was too bad that he wasn't that guy. He went off and immediately threatened to divorce me. I told him to break out the papers and I would sign them right that minute. He's been a changed man since. He knows that while I love him more than I ever have anyone else , He'll get back what he gives me. I see turnabout as fair play. Now that I have his games figured out the games stopped. Girls, it's took me over a decade to get to this point! LOL
At the same time I've tried to not be judgemental of him. He knows that I want to know the why behind his actions. Sometimes he can answer and sometimes he can't. Me and this man can finish each other's sentences. We say the same thing at the same time a bunch. Maybe it's the Pisces in me that keeps me hanging on. I've hung on long enough and tried so hard to understand who he is that now he says I can never be replaced.
I've caught my cancer telling fibs and just flat out lying many times. He knows I know it. I don't raise my voice or accuse. I just let him know that I know. The majority of his lies I know his motivations behind and can call him out on it without making him feel like shit. Then I get the truth. He has told me I know him better than he knows himself. Made that nervous breakdown worth it! j/k We've had strange moments where he says aloud some random thing I was thinking right at that moment. Sometimes I think part of our conflict has been because I can read him. My stories in these threads are incomplete and I would have to write a book to explain better so i'll leave it at that.
My Cancer guy has always liked to take the lead. He always loved the thrill of the chase. I wish I could tell you girls how to fall out of love with a cancer man but I never figured that out for myself. My best advise to you is listen. I noticed all the cancers give things away they normally wouldn't if you can just get them talking and never show a shocked reaction. Watch what they do. Unfortunately getting to the core of these people is like being on a 007 mission. My cancer ran hot and cold for years. Now he expects me to be all over him every minute that my eyes are open.
To the girls who say their Cancer has a sharp tongue.... mine drove me crazy with some of the things he would say. Hurtful stuff. I called him out on it and told him I realised that it wasn't me. It was him. There is someone else out there that wouldn't feel that way or say things to make me feel uncertain about myself. With that his sharp words tuned into loving ones. he admitted he was afraid I would leave him for someone a little more finantilly better off. That make me laugh because everyone that knows me knows that money isn't everything to me. My Cancer always cracks jokes that I'm not " greedy" like he is. Let the guys your interested in know that you know your worth it because you are. Happiness doesn't come without risk and from reading all the threads on here I would say that all of you already know that. If you love him than he is worth the fight. Everyone wants the kind of love where someone loves you no matter what you do and you give what you get. It's took me over ten years to crack that shell and get him to trust me enough to see the real him. It was worth it ,and he knows I love him, the good and bad parts. I think me loving him through the worst parts of him as well as the best has alot to do with it. When he was really bad I never turned my back on him. I just told him that it was his baby to rock, he owns the actions he takes and I would let him figure it out. I was his friend before I was anything else and we still had that.
There was a cancer guy my mother was with for a long time that gave me some advise when I was young. It seems to be true and has always stuck in my head. He told me that every man want s a woman who is a mother, a freind, a cook in the kitchen, a lady on the street and a whore in the bedroom who isn't a doormat , can never be fully owned and isn't afriad to work. He said every man has a " What's in it for me " mentality and if a woman could fit all those roles then he would probably marry her and love her like no other. It is almost distubing how many men I've heard echo this when you ask them what they want in a woman. My grandma ( also Pisces) got mad at him when he said that and said, " Sounds like that sort of woman can take care of herself. What do you have to offer? Your name? We all have one of those! " LOL She is a hopeless romantic and won't settle for anything less.
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I totally hear you when you talk about how it takes patience and listening in dealing with a Cancer man. like lawdawg said they never move straight ahead. So deciphering their nuances takes time and effort. Thanks for sharing your grandmother's advice. I am glad that you have seemed to work through the 'song and dance routine' with your Cancer man. Best of luck to you.
lf245706 wrote:An earlier post of yours piqued my curiosity when you mentioned that if a Cancer feels he can't measure up to your standards or if he can't give you what you need he'll withdraw or something like that. you aroused my curiosity as well.
The Cancer in my life is very different in some ways from me, and yet we are very in tune with each others thoughts, often finishing or expounding the others thoughts and feelings. In fact, he has told me that I know him perhaps better than he knows himself. He admires so many of my attributes and vice versa. But he has perhaps the anima thing going or some other deep seeded psychological issue with women (bad history altogether growing up), none the less, he just can't seem to allow himself to feel good about ANY woman. It seems to me that his issues or what you write about him being a Cancer and having those attributes, seem to hinder any ltr that would be more than just a friendship. Do you agree?
And, for future reference, can you give us a little more insight into the whole "materialistic, bring to the table, more than just feelings need" that cancer males have? BTW, my son is also a Cancer and I have a Cancer granddaughter (2y/o). I already see the traits in him that we have talked about in here. But are Cancer women like that too? Its hard to tell if the moodiness is her Cancer side or two year old side..lol.
Thanks for your insight.
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Hello everyone - I'm joining the club, ie. trying to fall out of love with cancer I have to say it's been therapeutical to read all these threads on cancers... somehow I don't feel alone with this 'problem' I find it hard to post - I guess I'm introverted in forums also :)) but I'll try when ready
My mother is a cancer, My daughter and several other people in my family. I seem to attract Cancers! yes, the women are like that too. My hubby doesn't demand that I have a job but he sure doesn't mind it. My mother didn't divorce my dad for cheating. She divorced him because he wouldn't hold a job. I read somewhere that Cancers value security and from what I've seen , it's true for the males and females. All of them I know seem to lean toward name brand stuff too. I'm starting to wonder if that is a cancer trait! LOL
Also, ever cancer I know has to value the person as a friend before they can consider them anything else. That is just in my personal experience. If he is already telling you that you know him better then he knows himself then you are valuable to him. Every Cancer person I know wants a " Ride or Die" type of romantic relationship. If you hang with him through the good and bad then he will see it. I resent having to " prove" yourself to someone like that but I guess we all demand it in some form or another. What I meant by never fully owned is being independent. that is something else I noticed about the cancers in my life. they always seem to want their mate to be stronger then them. Take charge type of people is the best way I know how to put it. None of them seem to handle stress very well. When the situation is too much for them I always seem to get a call. They don't want you to tell them what to do.... until they don't know what to do. ; ^p I am the one who makes sure the bills get paid, budgets the money, takes care of all the house work... I even have to decide what it is we are going to eat every night. He expects that I'll guess what it is he wants. Welcome to the world of Cancer and prepare to be a mind reader! haha
My Cancer daughter is moody. She cries at the drop of a hat! She is a pre teen though so I'm bracing myself. She is boy crazy as all get out but won't admit it ( very private girl) so her daddy and I are going to buy her and her sister some special stuff for V-day just in case some little boy disappoints them. i wish someone could tell me more about Libra's. My youngest is a Libra and we all have a hard time getting on the same page with her. It has to be hard for her living in a house full of water signs! LOL I don't think their is much difference between male and female Cancers. I always tell my cancer hubby that I married my mother because they think so similar.
I read a minute before posting but I'm so glad I did. It was like a smack in the head with a 2x4 and just what I needed to stop chasing my own tail. A bunch of great people here who give each other support. This forum was heaven sent for me. Just reading helped alot. Welcome to the ~ CANCER IS DRIVING ME CRAZY CLUB~ the club no one wants to join! LOL This place really helped me get some perspective and figure some things out. I think I am happier now with my Cancer than I have ever been because this place helped me see what I was doing wrong and understand my part in it too. I "get it" now.
What ur sign? Cancer..lol?
Sandran712>>Yes Lawdawg is a Cancer..probably reason why I don't agree with some of what she says.lol..She is on opposite side of Cancer I am on.This proves my point.Not all Cancers feel the same way.
@lawdawg I agree with you to a certain extent. I actually knew my cancer for over 3 years before I finally said enough is enough. I think if I'd have given him an ultimatum early on he would have walked. I didn't make him choose until I had proved myself over and over, on the other hand I would let him know EVERYTIME I felt he'd been hurtful or dishonored me. Without emotion I would tell him what he did how it made me feel and that I did not deserve it. Eventually we'd have a dialog and although he had his moods and uncertainty the things that hurt me were not repeated. He told me I was the first woman who confronted him about things like "common courtesty" and " minimal respect" ect. It didn't scare him at all. He knew and knows what I need in order to feel safe, so that I can give him what he needs to feel safe.
and I would also like to not when confronting my cancer I was sure to let him know that I cared about him our friendship (at the time) and didn't want to loose it, but that it would be imposible for me to continue on in a relationship that was not mutual. It was my aim at the time for us to meet a common understanding, weather or not that led to a commitment was less important then an understanding that we BOTH felt was positive for both of us. oh and I will ask him who I remind him of. I often wondered. I remember asking him did I remind him of his mother, was that why he treated me as he did... I never got an answer, but I've never asked him while we were not in conflict.
@ aquagirl I want to make it clear that my sudgestion is NOT indiference, but the opposite. You can let him know that no matter how much you love and care for him you will not hurt him or yourself by allowing him to mistreat you. If he does care he will understand, if he does not he will not want to deal with it.
I will remember the times we loved, the stars we counted, and the moon we dreamed. It's gone and I will never forget. I had to go to regain my sanity, if I continued with Cancerian I would have had a nervous breakdown or worse. I know I want to remain alone and I won't have closure, and I accept that. This is how it is for me.
what sign are you? I can understand your need to make a choice between the insanity of loving a cancer and losing your mind or heart. I hear you saying you "chose" yourself, but why do you "chose" to remain alone?
I chose myself a long time ago when he told me that he couldn't love me or anyone else (meaning he didn't love himself enough to know how to). I also chose not to give up on 'us' as friends. I just learned to deal with him by allowing us both to meet our needs for friendship, but not to let him 'cross the line' with my personal boundaries.
The thing about people is that they don't have personal boundaries and then tend to make high 'walls' around their hearts so that they keep all the pain on the outside. This is their way of feeling "safe." "The only problem with that is that there is no 'release' of the bad that is already on inside of the wall. We wallow in the sadness and hurt and pain. What we need is to build a gate into our wall. so that we aren't hurt by others, but can also let out the pain.
Wishing you better days & Peace
Flowy AIre , Katie 1982, found both of you, really beautiful indeed. If anyone wants to put a face to my name its Dorluv Grant. Happy Valentines day everybody. My cancer and I hang out but he didnt seemed interested in the whole Valentine's atmostphere. so I just left it alone. I Wish i was one of those ladies who have men who do so much for them on valentines' day.They are so lucky. Doesnt mattere how many time some ppl say its only one day. I still feel left out and wish somebody could love me so much. thats all. Anyways I love u all here that is what matters the most. I have attached a Rose here for u all. happy Valentines Day
I am an Aries/Taurus born April 19th 1978. I met my then shy, soft spoken cancer about 15 years ago when we were both 16 years old. Sean was born July 19th 1977. He quickly became my best friend, then fell so deeply in love soon after. But needless to say troubles arose with his mother... who is a scorpio, disapproved... I wasn't good enough.
When I was 17, he moved away and we broke up. He came back a few months later and we began a forbidden love affair hidden from his family. I stayed dear to him, I knew he loved me as I did him...and so I allowed myself to be a secret, giving him the freedom to do what he needed in order to understand his love for me, even if that meant me getting hurt along the way. I felt that if his love was as true as mine... his path would always lead him back to me.
So, for years he would love me for a moment and then I wouldn't hear from him for another month. I never would call or try to keep in touch with him during that time, because I knew that if he were to choose to be with me, it had to be of his own free will and not of obligation... for it would be short lived and not real.
So, I waited....and never put any preasure on him to make a choice. He was worth my whole heart... I saw him and when I say saw him...I mean saw his soul, his whole being. It was a knowing that came from the core of my ownself that I was him and he was me.
I feel so riduculous saying all of this, but, if anyone else knows what I talking about... they would tell you the same. It was a feeling of oneness...So much that our bodies would lay perfectly connected, aligned together, literally like pieces of a puzzle in any postion our bodies were in, we would fit, perfectly.
Then when I turned 21 years old I became pregnant... but didn't keep it... 3 months later I became pregnant again. I regreted the first time and in no way was I doing it again. I was 7 months into my pregnancy when he finally had the nerve to tell his mother. She was very understanding and nonjudgmental... a reaction he didn't expect. Taylor our daughter was born April 14th 2000... and she immediately fell in love with her. Never the less, after about a year it didn't take long for her to express her disapproval of me though.. Once again, I was oppressed and shut out, again a hidden truth.
I loved him so very much for who is was both good and the bad. He was so beautiful in spirit and so gentle at heart. I saw him...he was me...but then in a moments breath, oneday I was gone. I still felt every bit of the love I had, but my hopes and dreams I had let go of. That knowing I was still part of my being but was so far from my grasp. What use to be worth trying for, seemed like a hopeless wonder. I was gone...and even though I had what I had sacrificed I did willlingly, I began to hate him. I had lost all of this, yet because I still had the same love for him, the resentment settled just beneath its surface, and little by little began to make its presence known.
After months of struggle with his family and with some battles of our own, he finally decides to move forward as a family, our daughter , was now 5 years old. We had it all...but, there was always that uncertainty residing inside of me and I became a very hurtful person, expressing words that were demeaning of his character, integrety, dispositon, intention and purpose. I knew, even in the moment I was saying these words, that I didn't mean any of them. I said them not to make him leave, to me, he was going to leave anyway, I just wanted to see how long it would take him too. The sooner he did was validation that he never really wanted to be a family, that it was all a lye and those same hurtful words I would say to him, became more and more of a truth to me each time they were said. Anything that validated that he was a liar, who took every bit of who I was, who was ashamed to love me, who never wanted me to be the one, I wasn't good enough and to be with me would be settling for less, he would always be waiting for something better, that meant I was just temporary, and I could go on and on about the feelings I wanted validated as feelings that he had. But they weren't, they were the fears I had created because, I didn't feel deserving of his love when he finally wanted to give it.
When I was younger I used to tell others when they'd ask me why do you stick around and I would tell them with not a doubt in my mind. Loving him is undeniable, why then would I deny myself from it. I love him... with my whole being. Even if he doesn't choose to love me, I loved him truely, with all that I am... not everone is given the same chance. .
Well, I am 31 now he is 32, and I don't know anymore than he does about us. We've become numb. We haven't spoken except in regard to our daughter for a week now. Funny though I feel his heart yearning for mine, but doesn't last too long. We're very nice to one another which is unusually but either one of us will call the other. Is it finally over? Was it all my imagination the knowing, us fitting together, the oneness, I saw him once, will I ever see him again? Or am I foolish for even writing this entire page.
Really.... it doesn't even matter.
Lawdawg>> I have been dating since my ex left and I keep meeting these women that say " well i raised my kids after the divorce so I haven't been in a relationship for five, ten years. Is that possible? I don't, I mean never hear that from men. So how, why, how do women do this? This is the ultimate restrain or something. Can anybody explain?
Lua>>I agree with Mia, some women take a long time to trust again, some of us want to be in a healthy relationship, or they focus on raising kids. In my case, my last serious relationship was 20 years ago and I got my heart broken badly. I've never been married or had children, but after that relationship I dated for 9 years "casually" but I could never deeply feel anything for anyone. For 11 years after that I was celibate and met men here and there that never went past two or three dates, and I refused to get intimate with anyone until I felt something for them, which didn't happen until cancer guy came back from my past and knocked on my door. Even before the 11 years of tototal celibacy it was normal for me to be celibate for 2 or 3 years, and men have a difficult time understanding that, but to me there has to be a deep connection to be physically intimate with someone.
I also have a question, lawdawg about the anima/animus thing. I've read about that, it's Jungian psychology I think. So if my cancer guy has abandonment issues with his mother, (she left him when he was a teenager and he is still bitter toward her nearly 20 years later) the only way he would love me if I reject him? I rejected him 14 years ago and he kinda obsessed about it for 13 years, now that I received him with open arms he is backing away...In this case how do I connect with him on a healthy level? As for my animus, my father was the most loving, kind, accepting ,amazing man I have ever known. He adored me and expressed how much he adored me, and yet I keep attracting men who are unable to express love, much like my distant mother. I keep looking for someone like my father but end up with men who are more like my mother. What is this?
butterflykiss-you are all so beautiful, my heart really aches for you...somehow your post moved me to tears..