How to fall out of love with a cancer man
wow, i just stumbled on this forum and have been amazed by the insight you give, its rare to find a man so in tune with how people are feeling, thank you for being you! that said, i would love some of your advice. i'm a 24 year old scorpio female who has been involved for the last 10 months with a 31 year old cancer male. and, inevitably, have fallen on some hard times which i am trying to reason out...
when we met we didn't even speak the same language, he is turkish and i'm an american living in istanbul. the night we met and the days following he chased me down despite our communication issues. wanted to be together after date one and, even though i expressed my skepticism, was so smitten that i agreed.
we started this whirlwind romance, spending every moment together for the next 6 months. he was so sweet, almost too sweet for me! he accused me of being completely non-romantic, but i was just taken aback that he had fallen so quickly (or seemingly). I was coming out of a bad relationship (which he knew about) and he had had his heart broken a couple year before. his old cancer girlfriend (and first love) had cheated on him for a whole year of his relationship.
then something changed, he started falling into depression and, despite my patience with him, we ended up "taking a break" about a month ago because we had started fighting all the time. he was no longer meeting friends, leaving the house, only sleeping and occasionally working (he is a painter so he works from home.)
I sent him a long message after this and told him i would wait for him through all this, that I loved him, that I knew he was sick and I wanted to see him in brighter days. I also told him "asik oldum", turkish for I'm in love with you, something he hadn't said to be (there are different kinds of love in turkish, difficult to explain). Anyway, we didn't talk for a week, met a week later and he still seemed bad. Couldn't tell me if he still loved me, couldn't tell me if he wanted to be back together, only that he was sick and needed time alone.
I waited longer but the coldness was really starting to get to me and I began to feel that he was controlling my emotions. When he wanted to we would talk, otherwise he wouldn't even respond to my messgaes. So I made a rash decision, I went to visit an old lover (but also now trusted friend) in his city to try to take my mind off my cancer and maybe start to move on. To be honest I was losing hope...
So two days before I went he called me and wanted to see me. Telling me I was an angel and of course we would be back together. I had already made my travel plans so I went anyway. When I came back we met and there was a wall between us, so I broke it off, saying I didn't want to be with someone who couldn't love me in the same way I love him.
A week later we met again and in a four hour conversation finally said everything about how we felt. I told him where I had gone, he said he had always been skeptical I still loved this other guy. I told him I had always worried he still loved his old girlfriend. It was so good to finally be so open with each other, and yet it was all fighting. Stupidly, we ended up sleeping together that night and both woke up feeling terrible the next day, like we had done something wrong, and he said it was over.
I was so sad. I am so sad. I really did and do love him so much. I sent him an email and said that I didnt want to stop our relationship, that we were finally totally open with each other and I wanted to work to build a sronger, more open relationship than we had in the past. He called the next day to talk about, and seemed very willing to talk about being back together. He also said he wanted to be open, etc. But in the end he said he didn't feel good about it and that it wouldn't happen, that we were breaking up.
I haven't talked to him since then and now I don't know what to do. Really I love him so much, I want this to work, but I have no idea how to deal with him. Should I be persistant? Should I let him go? Is it worth fighting for? And if so, how?? I
Sorry for the length, I have posted this problem on some other forums and gotten great answers, but you seem to have some incredible insight and I am so lost right now about what to do. Thank you ahead of time...
I have read your posts and I have to say that you have overwhelming knowledge on Cancers. My main question is how old are you? 30 year marriage and break up? Why? You have uncanny perceptions about relationships and I agree with about 99% of what you are saying. I'm a Cancer myself, not as so developed as you are which is why I come here for advice more or less. I give it to, to help women understand us more, I guess. I did like your Shakesperian quote! It's better to have loved and lost then to have loved at all. I think every Cancer goes through that one in their life or will. I have. As a matter of fact, her mother told me when I was 24, she said, '' You should marry my daughter, be my son.'' I said, ''Faith, I would, but she doesn't feel the same way about me.'' Well, she was my first and only love and I let it go. What's funny is, she's not the first mother to ask me to marry their daughter. I'm still alone being the stupid Cancer I am. I did find a letter from her 9 years later unopened after I left for the Marines. She confessed her love for me in the letter. Looking back, I had no idea, but in my heart I did. I would have changed my whole life for her, if that's what she wanted. She could never tell me to my face what I always knew in my heart. All I wanted, was to hear it. Well, I never heard it and that is my point. She is married now, and I do call her occasionally and we talk. She knows I will always love her, no matter what. For you women out there that are with Cancers, please tell them what is on your mind and never hold back. It is crucial. Even though we may already know , we have to hear it.
You cannot stop loving, you can change the WAY you love. LOVE Yourself FIRST! Be more selfish, demand more, expect more, insist on being treated like a lady first a woman second. Accept no more bulls---- but love him all the same. It will make a world of difference for you and him. If he it is not in him to love you right he will stop tugging at your heart OR it just might make him learn to love you too.
Your Cancer has lost the ability to trust. I've said before that Cancers are special lover when they are bathed in the light of the sun without major heartbreaks and suffering. This Cancer has suffered a pain so deep he can hardly face his day to day existence. He sees the world through this pain, he see the future through this pain, and he sees you through this pain. Work, materialism, family and feelings are the hallmarks of a healthy Cancer. When they go into their shell it for protection but when they hibernate it's a sign of serious depression. There is no sign that can take you to the belly of deep energy draining, mind numbing depression like a wounded Cancer. That's why we protect our hearts so. We don't even want to go there because it's an abyss that we may not be able to pull ourselves out of. Some have learned to break their fall even after the worst of hurtful events. Some have not. Alas, your Cancer has not learned this lesson and will bring you down to his level of misery if you remain with him.
I have been advocating throughout this forum that people should take the time to nuture themselves, to work on themselves to make themselves better. This conversation was not just to pass the time until healing was accomplished. It's needed before healing can began. He saw in you or his intuition told him that you were in pain. The fact that he sensed your pain means that you too were not ready for a new relationship. That there was healing and self awareness for you to discover. Twenty-four years old, this is a time for new discoveries, for stacking up all you have learned as a child and meeting the world head on with a passion to succeed at whatever your heart's endeavour. Don't get trapped by this huge detour. Stay on your road. Get healthy and I promise you will love again. Your Cancer has shown you that unfortunately he cannot cope. This is not a one time occurence as I suspect it points to a weakness in his emotional makeup that will persist and repeat itself. Do take care to protect your heart and your chance at future happiness...
sorry last message for baa9192
Waterman79, thanks for your comments. What you said reminds me of how much the Cancer is like the zodiac image of the crab. If you watch one, they never go directly at what they desire. They meander along, weaving side to side until they get close to their target and they take it by surprise. They are experts at this form of taciturn circumlocomotion. Actually, you probably would have been with her, even chase her if it had been your idea instead of the mother's. I don't know if it was a curse she put on a head strong Cancer that believes in the honest pursue of his love interest or that mother had an intuition that telling you to pursue her would chill the moment...
Next time, follow your heart!
Sexygem. Like and agree with most of what you said. Always have a problem with "learn to love you too." But, I'm a Cancer, what else would I think...
Dorluv...this snow is awful...i shoveled to shovel again and again...and guess what...it looks like i did nothing...lol
Dorluv....i hope you find your happiness....it ***** being sad right now, but i know that good things will happen...
I'm gald we all relate in some way...it's horrible...lol I never knew starting this thread would be such a BIG hit - LAWDAWG, you have really come through...your insight is amazing to me...so powerful.
Well, it's 1am here..and surprise, surprise...my cancerian male is on my mind...lol
being i have time to talk it out...i'm gonna say what's on my mind...i know now you all are probably like "girl get over it already"
if male cancerians are usually right on with intuition why would we (me) put myself out there to tell him how i feel or at least say can we talk about what's going on?? if he knows how i feel or have a good idea how i feel and he reciprocates why can't he open up...he's the man and we're "supposed" to go with their flow....how long are we supposed to wait. you see, i'm not being naive...but why should i open up only to be rejected? i love him, and i'm willing to wait to see what happens...but, WHAT IF he pecieves me incorrectly and does not know to the extent of how i feel. if my male is backing away...i'm concerned of the "what if" what if i had said something...would things be different? i mean we have been physical, he's always been the one to initiate...i'm too shy to do so and scared of rejection. I know, I know...that what's love if you can't open up and be willing to take a chance...but, cancer men are known for their slow timing (no offense). i didn't want to scare him off in the other direction and lose his freiendship by opening up...but what if i lost him for not opening up.
last week when i backed away a little...he responded by well we no longer have to talk if that's what you want with a sad face...then i said no, that's not it.."you misread me"...then we were fine. now the past two days he's been indifferent..i asked him about it...he reponded by saying "this is me, u have to just let me be...and eventually i'll be out of this rut"......was he nicely pushing me away in a round about way without coming out and being blunt? or is he going thru something and i have to respect his wishes??
one other thing....this has been strictly a work thing...nothing ever escaled outside of work. now, i can think that he just wanted to toy around with no expectations...but started to get emotionally involved...or he hasn't gotten involved at all and sees that i'm hung up on him and he's pushing me away for my own good??? SEE - I"M SO CONFUSED...
I can go on and do my own thing live my life, but it hurts like **** at the end of the day when he's the one person who seems to go thru my mind. because, he'll txt me..."i'm listening to that song" or "why are your lights off, it's only 10pm" he lives close to me...lol
I guess next week i have to see how he is..if he tip toes around not to speak to me or if he acts the same (friendly and flirty)...but, am i wrong for not opening up? am i wrong for being scared? what if he percives me the wrong way and thinks i wasn't into him, and i was the one toying with him?? should i say something or wait it out??? or if he goes to kiss me - stop him and say...HELLO?? what's the deal...................ugh!!
ok, i'm sorry to go on and on, but now maybe i can go to sleep...
lawdawg...if u can give me just another piece of advice after reading this i wont bother u anymore for anymore insight. i'll just fill u in on how my life is progressing
peace & god bless to all
WaterMan: hi, you couldnt be more water. cancer-scorp-pisces combo (read on the other thread). the crab i'm kind of involved with has scorp moon too, i recently got to know that. i read some stuff about scorp moon and it scares me a bit... though i guess i couldnt be more scared than i am already. LOL
FlowyAir: dont know when you come around. but hey girl, wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
hope to talk to you soon.
Hello to everyone on this thread! For those of you going through Cancer troubles, I so feel your pain! I've been going through Cancer issues myself for around a year, and for the past several months I've had to distance myself from the Cancer in a way so that I don't get completely hurt in the process while he takes his sweet, old time (lol).
@Lawdawg, as everyone else has been saying, you seem very in-tune with your feelings and have been giving wonderful tips for many of the women on here trying to understand Cancer men. It stood out to me that you mentioned you had been married to a Virgo because I myself am a Virgo and have an interesting (to put it mildly) relationship with a Cancer man. It's a little frustrating because all of the descriptions about compatibility that I've read for Virgo woman/Cancer man are so great. So far I've found that with Cancer men (he's not the first), I've had a lot of physical chemistry and a deep bond that's hard to come by. Our relationship has been off and on but we always end up coming back to each other like nothing's changed. I feel adored when he's around and he's extremely affectionate towards me (something that his friends have told me they don't see in him often). I, in turn, try to be the same towards him (I've heard that Virgo women have the habit of sort of "melting" into their partners, so to speak. They kind of become the female version in a way. Not always a good thing lol). I know every relationship is different, but what's your personal stance on this combination if you don't mind sharing?
Another interesting thing you said was to never tell a Cancer you love him first because he likes to handle the relationship at his own pace. Well, without getting into all of the details of my relationship with Cancer (it would take ages), I didn't tell him that I loved him but I've told him many times that I care about him. A lot. Lol. I can't imagine this coming on too strong, but you're a Cancer and a male one at that, so was that too much? In my analytical Virgo mind knowing how someone feels about you in a relationship is helpful, not scary. But I wonder if, like you said, this took the thrill out of the chase and it's part of the reason why he's been so off and on. We had a very intense summer romance where we fell FAST for each other, and then all of a sudden he pumps the breaks. But it's like he's never done...every time I don't think I'll hear from him (or even about him), I will..directly or indirectly. It's weird, and it makes it hard to move on from him.
I'd love to play the game,like you suggest, but I honestly don't know how to do that because of a fear of taking it too far. Cancers are so sensitive, and it would be my luck to try to make him jealous or act indifferent towards him and then end up hurting his feelings and making him withdraw! Lol...in the meantime I've been focusing on myself while I figure out what to do about him. This version of the story I'm giving is light due to the rush I'm in, but in reality it's been emotion due to his tendency to withdraw/disappear and instances of what I perceive to be as selfishness...
More from me later, but I'd love to hear back from you...
*it's been emotionally draining...
sorry for the typo!
lf245706......i completely agree with you...cancer men are so sensitive and if we start acting indifferent / changing our ways...we chance hurting their feelings and could ruin what we're wishing for.
I am a sag and I just got rid of my cancer guy. He was a big baby. He always wanted so much from me with out giving anything in return. I was not pleased in the bed or outside of it. Good rid of his buttocks. I have a leo friend now and it is the best.
Thank you for your message lawdawg, no need for apologies, i always the directness is the best approach. In my mind I know that you are right, he did bring me down and I know he felt terrible that he did this to me. But at the same time, its so hard to look in his face and see all his pain but not be able to help him in anyway. I have stopped communication, I had to do this I know, but in my heart I still love him and wish that we could build something stronger between us. As much as I see he is in pain, I can also see he loves me, which makes it so difficult to walk away.
If245706, Its really funny that you asked that. After my break-up with my ex, I had a summer fling with another Virgo. She is 09/08 and my ex was 08/23. There were some major differences but her is the scoup on the combo from years of experience.
1. There was a passion with them both that made love making very passionate and loving. I always felt comfortable with both of them and the summer fling burned like wildfire. We were both catching our breath all the time from so much passion. Then all of a sudden I got this intuition about her. It seemed as if she was changing. That she was not showing me her full personality. People around her seemed tense as if they did not want to cross her. It seemed like when she was not with me she was h.e.l.l. on wheels. She would tell me about interactions with others on her job and I would see another side of her. Thats not what made me change my opinion of her.
One weekend I drove north to be with her for a 4 day weekend. She started acting bossy and directing me around. I felt like a little kid as I was following her directions like she was a mother figure (I'm actual 5 year older than her). Ok, I let that slide. Then she comes to bed with her bath robe on and I'm thinking what's up with that! She knows what my expectations were so why was she playing that game. Then we are talking and she says, you know sometimes I will say no. I said I understood, but it seemed as if she was doing it to show me and teach me that lesson right at that time. I started thinking that she has some master plan in mind. That her and her crew had some game plan with the mates in their life that they were acting out. When she withheld the next and last night of the weekend, I got up that morning rushed out and did not call her for several days. Being the strong will thinking Virgo she was we ended it right there without so much as another visit. We email from time to time but it is purely platonic at this point. Anyway here are my beefs with Virgo and I know you have your Cancer beefs as well.
Judgmental: they will think about something you did, form an opinion about it, believe their own analysis, and treat you as it their analysis were true.
Bossy/Nagging: Virgos have a tendency to be bossy. Do this, Do that. You watch football too much, you should read a book.
Say unintended hurtful things: The Virgo can be candid and while what they say maybe true, it cuts like a knife. Stop smacking, you're doing that on purpose to irritate me. Why are you breathing so hard, breath normal like other people.
Finally, they put their jobs above you. While I would sacrifice time from work to be with her, she would work when she didn't have to to get ahead instead of being with me. Bad chose for a Cancer.
But out of all of them the fatel flaw was her being judgmental. You judge a Cancer and if he does not like your image of him, he's out. Say he's lazy, dumb, stingy, stupid or cold and he will not like you very much. Cancer wants there mate to have this knight in shiny armor image of him and if she doesn't somebody else will.
This brings me to another point: How can all these women in these forums say they are in love with their Cancer mate and harbor such ill feeling for the sign of Cancer. If you have these negative images in your mind when you talk or interact with a Cancer, he will know. Cancer are very intuitive and they can tell if you are holding back negative thoughts about them. It's like a man who has this internal hate for women. A women knows that there is something wrong or missing without being told. Same is true for the crab. So if you are going to be with one, you have to learn to get over that resentment of his Cancerian nature. When you think about it, it's only arrogant to think that your sign's faults are acceptable and his are not...
Katie1982 dont know if I was seeing things but i read some where in this forum that your Bday was Fenruary 9. If it is your bday. happy birthday ok.
Everything you have said is right on. I am a Pisces and have done all of the above with my Cancer friend. He has been in my life for a few years. I am at the stage where we are friends only without the intemacy. I won't see or talk to him for awhile and when I do see him he'll give me three quick little kisses. It makes it real confuseing for me. I have wanted to bring up how I feel many times but the fact that I came on so strong with my feelings, to soon, and told him "I love you", was a mystake So I don't go there! Mixed messages and his shell with my sencitivity can be tough at times. I understand these creatures all to well. I love the dance we've had and know when my toes have been stept to on, to much, and it's time to sit down and take a break (at a distance) from my Cancerian friend
Katie, thanks for the Birthday wishes!! I'm doing okay. Tomorrow I go away for the weekend, although I'm not looking forward to it particularly as I already know I'll be going forward with the divorce.. I feel so sorry for my husband as he is trying so hard - it's just not there for me anymore. When an Aqua makes a decision there is no turning back unfortunately.
Saw the Cancer today (through my bedroom window) he shoveled a bit today. He did look up at my house at one point real quick as if he heard someone coming out the front door. He also looked toward my bedroom window when passing by, but my blinds were closed... No real signs of anything... I was actually hoping to hear something from him on Birthday, but I doubt that will happen becuz if he has cut off all contact I doubt he'd break it to say Happy Birthday... Don't even know if he remembers it any longer... I've been really sad lately as I feel so madly in love with him. I noticed he started a FB account as of late January...
due to the fact that cancerians are known for their hard shell, and sensitive side...if we try and back away (keep distance and act indifferent)...will this hurt any opportunity that would have progressed because we got impatient? because we're confused...how do we know when it's right to back away...? what if they're in the process of letting their guard down the very minute we decide to take steps back??