GRIEF, DEPRESSION, OBSESSION, you name it I've got it!

  • Part 1: I was madly in love 18 years ago with a guy who didn't want me, I got depressed. Met up again about 6 years ago, went out several time a year as friends/colleagues and kept to mutual topics until the last night when our talk included chat about the past and he hugged me and kissed my cheek at the door. I was over the moon, but we were both married, so I put off meeting up again as I panicked that I would fall for him again. That was the last time I saw him, he died tragically 4 months later and I'd put off meeting him twice. I felt like I had lost him all over again and my grief was like he was mine. That was 6 months ago, I've not stopped crying and am find myself going back into that black place from my past.

    Part 2: I find myself drawn to a young man who worked with me for a couple of months. This man has a lot of baggage and I was trying to help him emotionally. He really reminds me of when I was going through all that rubbish years back and to be honest it was a distraction for me to take the focus of my loss.. Although we don't work together now, we text and when we do speak on the phone we can speak for about 3 hours at a time. He let me down badly at work and I don't even know if I can even trust him as a friend my head is so mixed up, however, now unfortunately I am finding myself getting obsessed with him and I'm looking for the text messages. I think I am a bit depressed and I find it uncomfortable that I am looking a someone who is young enough to be my own child (he's 24). I know it's all to do with losing the man I thought was the love of my life and my old pain but how do I move forward from both of them without falling apart. Any advice welcome 8-)

  • Helenek, what you are grieving for is not the loss of the man from the past himself but of lost opportunity. But you don't know for sure if it would even have worked out with him. You are living in a dream world where he was your white knight who would put everything that is not working for you right. You want someone to rescue you from your life. Now you think that way out is gone with his death. It hasn't. If you are unhappy with your life, do something positive about it rather than just dreaming. Change is hard but it may be necessary.

    It's the same thing with the other man. You want someone to rescue you, rather than having to make the changes yourself. Anyone, not any man in particular, will do, so you fall for people around you. Sit down and work out what needs to be different in your life - off the top of my head, I think you are not getting enough love and attention at home. Then decide how you can fix it.

    Or ask someone here. There are so many helpful and kind and clever people on this forum.

  • Spirit holds up a sign that says DISTRACTION. You are filling an empty place with all the distraction you can gather but the empty place never fills--it never ends. Spirit asks "where are YOU in all this? It is your SELF that is missing. Being alone with this emty place is so unbearable that you would rather attach yourself to grief and obsession and that is exhausting! Exhausting must end in depression. Somewhere very early you lost yourself under some dominating situation and have been repeating the loss over and over. The pain feels real but really these losses you attach yourself to are mostly delusion. You did not really love that man the grief that pours out of you is for the unresolved death of your own spirit. These male encounters are only coming to you to help you find a healing path back to yourself. The only way to heal and find yourself is to be alone with yourself long enough to explore your shadow side and intigrate it with your light side so you can be whole again. Once you are your own loving partner you will no longer need to grieve obssess or be depressed.

  • Thank you very much The Captain and Blmoon. You are both so right. I am searching for someone to lean on and to look after me. If I'm honest I've been doing that all my life and never found anyone yet. You'd think by the time I've got to this age I'd realise that I have to do it for myself, lol! 90% of the time with the young guy it's like I'm looking after him like a mum, complete with nagging and scolding, and that's a lovely feeling that I can help him but that horrible 10% bit just kept coming up in my thoughts that maybe he could help me and that just wasn't right. It wasn't in a sexual way but more of a "needing comfort" way. I think I've had the kick up the backside that I need. I need to leave my dreams where they were and start living in the real world. I need to stop hiding at work for 80hrs a week and face up to my life. If anyone can give me a vibe on whether I can trust the guy or not as a friend I'd appreciate just one more bit of help as my judgement is quite clearly all over the place just now. Thank you so much again. Hxx

  • I think your depression is the problem. Your not obsessed, you are just lonely. I bet your not expect any one else to ring. I get most of my emotional support from this site, my dog, and my kids in that order. My kids are young, and you not mentioning children, plus the time span I would guess you live alone? I think you should right every last obsessive, grievious, negative thing you can, and burn it. Symbolically releasing yourself from them. Repeat when you cant sleep, and look for other means of mental occupation. If you can join a gym, no matter what your shape you will feel better about yourself every time you do a class, or workout. Go to the library and sit around other people, get on one of their computers, read what the schedual looks like. Go for a walk around your neighborhood, if it is safe.

    You never know who you will meet if your out about. Books stimulate all sorts of imagination.

    I totally judge my books by the cover, actually the binding.

    I recently read a trilogy that is not advertised, but I found very entertaining, simular to Harry, but way more intellectual. Sean Russell One Kingdom, The Dark Roads, was the last. Get out of your head while and into someone elses.

  • Can you trust keeping the young man around? Can you keep candy in the house when you are trying to diet? Why make it harder on yourself!

  • For Part 1-if it was meant to be it would have been don't have any regrets about it, we cannot turn back time. For Part 2- Listen to your gut feelings, sounds like a non-winner to me. We women want to be loved and be in love, myself included but often we fall for anything, instead of waiting for the "right one" to come along. Love yourself first, you are number 1, most of all stand for something or someone meaningful or you will fall for anything! I know, trust me. Find or try a hobby or something to keep yourself occupied. Someone just for you will come eventually and you'll "know." Good Luck!

  • Helenek, I feel this young man is very confused by the vibes he picks up from you. He wonders why you come across as sexually available and needy, yet give him that maternal feeling too. He's not sure whether you are a friend, potential lover, or mother figure. You have messed with his head and heart a bit too much and for both your sakes, you should cut off from him. If you have to see him in daily life, be friendly but not inviting.

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