Desperately seeking a sign from my deceased fiancee

  • Dear Dotthorey,

    I think this is what upsets that my husband's departure was so sudden and I do not know where I am going down my life's path.I am totally confused without my husband like there is a giant hole in my life.Yes it is totally different since my husband,Keith has left this earthy life. I started to visit some of the places we would always go.. like restaurants, racing track, football games, movie theaters and symphony.

    I guess I am not patient enough to wait for answers.


  • Dear Dotthorey,

    Thanks for giving me an internet hug. My life is like a stove with too many pots boiling over. I wish I could take one issue and deal with it but that is not the case.

    My soul mate and husband has left me for now. I know I have been blessed that my husband and I were able to find each other to be soul mates and had a long marriage of 20 years.

    But on the flip side I have a slightly mental retarded son, a daughter that has an autoimmune disease and decided to have another baby ( very risky ), and another daughter I am putting through college who just lost her job.

    When I was going to bereavement counseling another driver hit my car and caused a lot of damage to my front end. He was so careless that he also hit three other cars then kept on going...a hit and run. Now the his insurance company claimed it was not him. So I have to go the magistrate court route to get my $2000 back for the repairs on my car.

    I can not work or volunteer because I got hurt at work and had surgery that caused further damage to my hand.

    Sometimes it just never seems to end. But I keep moving forward because I know someday it is going to get better.


  • Dear Hermither,

    I am sorry to hear about your loss.

    I think if your fiance did not die you would have had a beautiful time walking down life's path together. I am sorry you missed out on this relationship due to his untimely death. But since it did happen it changed how you feel when you get in a committed relationship. Will the same thing happened to him like it did my fiance?

    I did not know my husband was going to pass since the doctors told me he was doing much better. I feel the death of a love one is very hard to get over. But in my husband's case I did not know and it was very sudden.

    Sometimes when a love one is faced with a terminal illness one can gradually let go. But in your case and mine the death was so sudden. I had no time to prepare.There were lots of things I did not get to say to my husband as he left this earth. I love my husband so much that I did not wait for the paramedics but used all my knowledge and skill as a health professional to perform CPR. I thought it was a chance that I could bring him back. But it was his time to depart from this earth.

    Yes I believe that the pain will always be there and my heart will not completely heal but the memories will comfort me.

    Lots of hugs,


  • hi roooster 5 just reading your last post telling me you also have other children, i guess your role now is to take care of your family and yourself, am sorry that you had that trouble with your car being hit like that, that is terrible luck, for you, but you will get thru all of this, yes it is hard to deal with one issue at a time when so much is going on inside you and outside, however as time goes by you will get clarity in their somewhere, and things will get better, just keep telling yourself i will get thru all this, life seems preety mad at times and very unfair, when life gets like that for me i say something good has to come from this and i actually do begin to look for the good, when we are focused on the negative it slows us down and we loose sight of our focus and all things get crazy, will catch up again and i really hope for you that circumstances improve for you, xxxxxxx and a big hug

  • Dear Dotthorey,

    Thanks for the hug. I think I am down pretty low and the only way I got to go is to look up. But I try to remember that I was blessed with my husband, Keith even though he was sick. I still have my house and I have not sunk into a severe depression.


  • Dotthorey,

    Your words and your wisdom are most welcome. It surely is nice to know that there are people out there who really do care and understand. I truly agree with you as you mentioned in an earlier post to Rooster5 I believe it was that a "new you" is emerging after all of this and I feel it and its all good stuff but its scary at the same time. I fight it though and I don't know why. I do have to be good to myself, been beating myself up for a long time made a lot of mistakes along the way, many regrets that can't be made right no matter how hard I try and yes if I had my life to do over again it surely would be different the second time around. Sometimes I think its to late at this stage in my life to do anything about it because I surely am no spring chicken anymore. I tend to give up easily also as well as take the easy way out if the truth be told. I know how I'd like to be on the inside and out and for the most part I am that person but then something will happen in life that just completly throws me for a loop. Its hard to explain but at the same time it feels good to get it off my chest. I know God is always there but I have to be honest I was angry with God and Blackie. God for taking my Blackie and Blackie for leaving me behind. That anger has lessened but still not quite gone away. Please don't stop keeping me in your prayers, Lord knows I'm a stubborn one and I'll get it right one of these days. Thank you

  • hi blackiespistol, thankyou for your acknowledgment of my posts, life always throws the curve balls and wobblies at us so that we can learn and see how far weve come i think, we were never taught to love ourselves at least i wasnt and when i got to a certain age mother or friends would say you look after yourself, i thought i was but in actual fact i wasnt so i have been on the learning of putting myself first and taking care of my life, but sometimes i get a kick in the behind and it tells me im not looking after me, or i am not focused, i casn understand you being angry at god and your husband for leaving you like that, but its okay to get angry, i will keep you in my prayers for as long as you need me to my dear lady, see when your special mate passed there is a big hole there and bit by bit you begin to fill that hole with other things,thepain is still there but as you start to fill the gap or the hole the pain becomes not so bad, maybe i am wrong, you dont get over it you go thru it, its like flying thru a storm this happens and that happens and you try different things that may work or dont work so you do something else and each time you do something else you go a little bit further and learn more things, your learning about you now, more so than before, you adjust your sails so to speak,sometimes we have but no choice but to just go with the flow, it is tough, but it does become easier, noone is perfect and we are here to learn we are in earth school, we have all the feelings and stuff that goes with us, you know if we had not of been told that it was sad when someone passed we probably would not be maybe, as children i beleive we learned a lot by what we saw, what we were told and saw how others behaved, told what was expected of us etc, so we have a hard time adjusting to sudden and horrific changes in our lives because we were not taught how to handle situations we were not trained to cope with death and sickness and other things that are very confronting, and its freaky and quite horrible to us when we are suddenly placed in this situation, we panic and the mind ticks over and over, unless we were brought up in a family that raised their children with the ancient wisdom their is another word for it we are not prepared for this type of thing, however i wont go on infinite wisdom is what i was thinking of, time to wind this up, be kind to you, do something nice fir yoiu,something you like and beleive that you are the most important person in your world, you come first, take care of you now, catch you again love and blessings to you, xxxxx

  • Hi Rooster5,

    As with your mom, Blackie also was a DNR, and I still think back on that even though it wasn't that long ago "what if" but deep down I know he didn't want to live like that. He was declining daily, he just couldn't believe what was happening to him nor could I. I will talk to you soon, its late. bye for now.

  • Hello, Is there anyone in the forums that can communicate with the deaparted. ? Or get feelngs from them My spouse passed away 1-20-06. I had an actual appointment with a meidium and he knew things no one could have known and gave me statements from my husband that were extrememly personal and non general and very specific. No questions were asked of me. Not his name nothing. This person knew it. It was extremely expensive at least for me. So can anyone here have not necessrily contact but feelings recieved form the other side?

  • Dear Blackiespistol,

    Do you know how much energy you would use if Blackie was hooked up to life support. This is not life. The body is only staying alive because of machines. When the patient is hooked up to the machines it makes it harder on the caregiver...that is you to watch your love one slowly or rapidly decline.

    I would see this all the time at work. Friends and family come to see their love one hook up to the machines just waiting for them to pass away.

    It always broke my heart.

    This is not life.

    Internet Hug,


  • Dear Dotthorey and Rooster5,

    My hear goes out to you both for you lossess. I lost my brother in a tradgic accident 2003 I too never got to say good-bye, I lost my husband in 2006 from a failed kidney transplant and he made the choice not to continue on dialysis. I am not sure which is worse never saying good bye, or talking about their leaving while they still can talk....both were difficult in different ways. Blessings to you both and please know as bad as it hurts now, the pain eases in time, but you wonder how that can be. Please vist this website it was my saving grace

    Dotthorey, there is a forum within this webiste for non widows like yourself.

    ((((hugs)))))for you both and many blessings for peace and healing

  • Dear Searchingspirit56,

    I am sorry for your loss. For me I think when an unexpected passing occurs it is more difficult because you wonder to yourself that I did not get to say all the things to your love one.

    As oppose to a gradual passing you have a chance to say those things to the passing love one. Sometimes you can even plan for special trips or outings before the passing of a love one.The best way I can explain the pain is like your heart has shattered into a million pieces and how am I suppose to put it back together? I am so lost without my husband and I keep searching places to tell me what to do to fix it.

    Thanks for the website because it seems that I have been switch from one bereavement group to the next one.



  • Hello Rooster5, yes you are right with a prolonged death such as cancer you can plan these things. In my husband's case he was in the hosptial for 30 days he went in with phnemonia on Christmas Eve 2005 and days and weeks went by and the darn doctors kept telling me the kidney would survive and come back full functioning it was supposed to last 15-20 yrs not just 8 . He made the decsion to not do any more dialysis on 01/18/06 then the doctors said he really has made the best decsion here. ! But all we had time for was talking and mostly he slept alot. No trips. Just lots of love he was supposed to linger 7 days at least and went in two. I at least had two days. He passed away one day before our wedding anniversery! I am still mad at him for that sometimes, but he just could not wait anymore bless his heart.

    The website I gave you have been a tremendous help to me over the years. I have met really nice people here.........see you there!

  • Dear Searchingspirit56,

    I am afraid to tell you that 8 years for this situation is about right. I did work for 20 years in transplants at a major hospital. Between all the drugs and dialysis the body just starts to deteriorates. You have to remember that the kidneys are filtering agents of the body. The dialysis machines were acting like the kidneys to clean out all the toxins from the body.

    I am so glad you had two days to express your love for each other. In my case, I only had a few moments before my husband passed. I even did CPR because I thought I could bring him back but that was not in God's plans.It did not really sink into me that my husband was truly gone until I saw him laying in the casket right before the funeral services. My baby was gone to be with God.

    I am upset that he left me.But my husband comes back to talk to me in my dreams. I have to be patient.

    It was difficult for you to let go of your husband right before your anniversary. How did you cope on the day of your anniversary?

    Internet Hug,Rooster5

  • Rooster 5 I suggested to have been there in chat but I keep missing you ......I do not see you on mmeberlist there........I signed into chat twice after you just signed off...........I am Bluebell there.

  • I ciried alot on my anniversery........I am Bluebell in

    I have missed you twice thereI am usually in about 9 pm moutain time

  • dear searching spirit56 thankyou for your caring and comment, i really appreciated that,its really nice to know that people are interested in what you have to say and can offer assistance, its 4 years this year since mum passed, my dad and sister have been gone longer, my immediate family now consist of my daughter of whom is teaching overseas and has just been for a visit here in aussie, my two sons and their girlfreinds and one of my sons the eldest has a son, so i have one grandson, i am so blessed to have children who do love their mum, my life is starting to pick up a bit now, and i am feeling my way about, mum and i were close she was my rock and i was hers whilst she was here, i think about the good times, still get that sadness on special days and some other times, these other ladys are just fresh with the loss of their soulmates and i can imagine the pain and suffering they would be feeling and yourself also, i never got to say good bye to my sister, but had spoken on newsyears day 1990, i knew she did not have much longer to go, i know that my loved ones are in a better place and i beleive that my beleif in life after death as my dad always put and my beleif in spirit, and god has got me where i am, i was very lucky as i workedon a one to one basis therapy i call it, with a very intellegent lightworker who assisted me to where i am now, he also is a teacher of infinite wisdom and has great powerful energy, a truly wonderful human being and i have great love and respect for this manof whom put such a lot of his own time assisting me thru this and other obsticles, when i discovered this website i began to, like others, see that i was not the only one in the world that was truly suffering and it has helped me to reach out to people to assist them with my veiws and do something good for others,i havent checked this site for a while as i have been helping around other forums on, thankyou once again for your love and kindnes and much peace and bliss to you always dott

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