What to do?

  • What should I do? My boyfriend lives with me but now that his grandmother was released from the convalescence center he had volunteered to be her caretaker. He has a very big heart and is caring when it comes to family. But now that he has taken full responsibility he has to move in with her he wants me to move as well but I just have a feeling that it may not be the greatest decision at this time. I had lived with him once before and when ever we would have our disagreements he would be so quick to tell me get my things and leave. When he had moved with me none of that had taken place and I am the one paying for everything the rent, the bills, etc. I am just afraid that if I move with him that he will do the same thing and also have me paying for everything again.

  • I am sorry 143Jastin, but I would be very wary of putting my trust into someone who has been so quick to kick you out after an argument. People in healthy relationships are usually able to talk their problems out and don't resort to kicking the other person out of their house when times get tough. Also, you are worried that he will expect you to pay his bills if you move in with him and his grandmother? It sounds as though he has been taking advantage of you and you have been letting him do so. If you decide to move in with him, you will want to make very clear that the bills will be shared and you will not be assuming total responsibility of finances. My advice though would be to live on your own and take care of yourself. It sounds as though living with this man has caused problems for you so why put yourself into that situation again? Good luck whatever you decide. x

  • Stonyeye,

    Thank you for the quick response. I just am undecided it is true that I have been basically serving or catering to him as most people call it. I do what it is that he asks me to do but inside I am so depressed about it. I sometimes which that he would see that it takes 2 to make it 50 50 and not one with a 100%. I enjoy living on my own though because I am so used to having him there with me every step of the way it’s hard to sleep at night when he is gone.

  • Hi 143jastin,

    It sounds to me like family, or at least his grandmother, takes precedence over all things in this man's life. He wants you to live with him to provide that "family" feeling, but wants his cake and eat it too. He's a good man, but has real issues with control I feel, hence him being quick to tell you to pack YOUR things and go wen you've moved in with him. You're much more easy going and let a lot of things slide, which is almost the opposite to him. I'd keep yourself separate from him in living situations; this way, you maintain your power and also have a sanctuary to escape to.

    I also feel this relationship will burn itself out eventually; that you have some sense of "owing" him, and once you realise that isn't the case, you'll be able to move on. He will be a good friend though; but I don't see this pairing lasting romantically for much longer. I get this strong sense of you clutching on to him and he you, but the cord tying you together will eventually fray and snap.

    I hope you don't mind me saying the para above, but I also get the sense that deep down, you know this relationship isn't right - at least not in its current context - but the camaraderie you both share as friends will last the distance over all else.

    Hope this helps you some also and good luck 🙂

  • Wow..that is exactly how things are and that is the main reason as to why I am so undecided to move in because I do not want to leave and something goes wrong and there is no where for me to go and also I need time to myself as well. He is a great friend an awesome person.

  • Jastin, I am feeling that a connection with another country (family or a person?) can be helpful for you here. Do you have relatives or friends overseas? Or know someone who is like an ambassador/politician/consular official or something?

  • Well then, I think you've answered your own question! Let me relate my own situation (which I'm usually a bit hesitant to do, but in this case I think its okay). I was with my ex husband for 23 years, married for 21. We started off being great mates and kept that friendship throughout our marriage. However, was there any real romantic love in this relatonship after the honeymoon period wore off? Nup, though him being a bloke 'n' all, well, they have little trouble keepig THAT goin :)) It was only last year that I found the fortitude to leave which previously, like you, I seemed to lack. I've only been out on my own for three weeks as it took so long to talk everything out with him and for me to find a house, but the friendship with him is intact, plus we have shared custody of our daughter.

    So please, fear not. I realise why you feel afraid of doing this, but rest assured, I had the same fears. I still do to a degree, but it's early days for me - ask me again in a few months and I think I'll be feeling just fine about all of it.

    Good luck and always try and acknowledge the good points of your man rathr than blow up the bad. There's always a reason why people pair up and equally good reasons why those pairings fall apart. Don't lie to yourself any longer; it's time for you to be free. You deserve this and much more besides. I hope relating my tale has helped you further.

    Remember this: nothing worthwhile comes without fear and risk.

    Blessings and all good things to you jastin. You'll be just fine on your own and I think you also know this deep down :))

  • And please please do not rush into having a baby with a man you know deep down in your heart is not right for you. Sorry but I have to say it.

  • Hey 143Jastin, I don't mean to sound negative about your relationship or your boyfriend. I just feel kind of protective over you after reading some of your other posts. I'm sure he has wonderful qualities and you obviously love each other very much. I know this post is about whether or not you should live with your boyfriend. I can't help make the connection though from your other postings that you are wanting a child with this person yet you have a lot of questions about the stability of your relationship. I really agree with Wenchie. You are very young and have plenty of time to have children. Why not wait until you are in a relationship that is on stable, solid ground. Ok. sorry. I just feel drawn to your posts and for some reason this bossy big sister or motherly vibe is taking over me and I want to wrap you up in cotton or something! lol! Take care and I wish all the best with what you decide.

  • Stonyeye,

    I am so shocked by what you pick up. He has a older sister that he always runs too and tells everything to, he also is very close with the mother. Basically he tells the both of them everything and always takes in there advice or explanation. I do not mind at all that you give me your insight or perspectives really I don’t in fact I am very thankful.

  • I'll be short-ish. Don't move in with him! Sorry, but by the sound of your post and other peoples comments that you agree with it definitely doesn't look like it will be the best thing for you at this moment although it sounds like it would be perfect for him....He might be a great guy and a friend but until he puts in his 50% you are better off holding to your independence in the living situation. And don't worry about the sleeping together thing ...I felt like that as well when i separated from my boyfriend. Frankly i was terrified that i will have to sleep night after night without him and it was quite difficult until i got passed it. Now i can sleep starfish style and i like it 😉

  • Jastin, I don't know how old you are but in my mind I get the image of a small child when I think of you, one that is desperate to have someone look after them. I feel more than anything you are looking for a parental figure to make up for something that was lacking in your family past. There is a frightened child in you crying out for attention and love. Because this man cares for others, you see him as a kindly parent. But he can never give you the nurturing you need. Only you can give yourself the amount and type of care you need. It's time you started looking after yourself - and only yourself for now. You certainly should not have a baby while you are still in this regressive state yourself because you would not be able to care for it and yourself at the same time. Try doing little things for yourself that make you feel loved and cared for.

  • The Captain,

    As a little girl I was once with all my family members my mom, grandma on my moms side, aunty, my uncle, my sister, and then raised my dads mom my grandma. It is true I hardly received attention or love that I had seen my sister getting from others. I was also treated differently by my dads side of the family except from my grandma. You had distinctly pointed something out to me that made me realize that what I lack is basically what I look for in a man of course with other qualifications as well. I look to my boyfriend because as you had stated he is caring and loving but only to certain people and when he feels like it with me. I have not given anyone else the chance to really get to know me. When I am with someone I attach myself to them to fill the emptiness. Again care and attention comes into view. If I am alone with no one I feel lost and depressed.

  • You would do very well working with children or volunteering to help theim in some way as you need what they need. But I feel a child of your own would be too stressful at this point and would just stir up old unresolved issues and panic.

  • Hello,

    With all that is going on and having to have a baby is still on my mind though I know all the advice given about waiting, healing, not the right time, relationship stability, etc. I still am pursuing to conceive. I am on fertility drugs and is trying to find out if this is what is going to help me conceive when I do have a child?

  • All the baby thoughts that you are having at the moment are about your own wounded inner child. I beg you not to conceive until you are able to handle looking after a baby. You still haven't dealt with all the problems from your past that are affecting and haunting you in the present. The Universe might be stopping you from conceiving so you will get the message to do your own inner work first. Having a baby now will only bring you more problems, not less. I am surprised the potential father wants to get pregnant now, given that he has other worries and responsibilities on his mind. Is he OK with this idea?

  • This was actually both of our ideas as he does have a child of his own age 4 and he wants to have another one. We have talked about this for a long time now and have been trying for the past 3 years. I was told that I would conceive later on and I was just curious if that would be through the help of fertility drugs?

  • So what will you do if this man remains true to form and kicks you out when you are pregnant or kicks you out and keeps the child after it is born?

  • I would never let him take my child he currrently has no job so I am the main support system.

  • And you think this is the ideal environment in which to bring up a child? One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking their partner will change for the better once they are married or have a child together or have more money etc. etc.

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