Assistance please must give my answer by Wed....

  • I (11/19/64) relocated 5 years ago to a small town on a job transfer. I didn't know anyone and I spent almost 4 lonely years here until I met someone (7/30/64) who I really get along with. Although the position I took was a good move 5 years ago it has grown very trivial with little to no challenges and the supervisor has changed in the way he treats me. Even though his offer was lower than the pay band called for I had accepted the position to provide a better life for me and my children. I truly believed he would see that my income increase into the pay band within a few years.... but it hasn't happened. I am still under the starting wage for the position and have been doing the job for this amount of time.

    I recently applied and successfully interviewed for a position that not only would be a promotion but would allow me to move back to the town I transfered from 5 years ago. The offer was very significant and would not only put me in a better position financially but would be a position of importance and would allow me to grow in my career. The only thing from me not screaming "YES!" and jumping up and down is that my boyfriend said he cannot promise me that he will relocate too. He also works for the same employer and this last year he was forced to take a demotion and paycut. He also has a son with Autism and feels that the best educational help he can get is here and only here.

    I want all of us to move together and it is in an area where good paying jobs are readily available. My children are happy and excited about the possibility of getting to move "home"....

    do I walk away from a love that seems to be growing even if it going slowly to make a more comfortable life for my kids? I just don't want to put all my eggs in this one basket and end up resentful either way.... Any insight is most graciously appreciated.

  • I think the answer is obvious, Hunnybunz. You're not happy where you are, even with your non-commital boyfriend there. If it's true love, you can still move and you will work out a way to stay in touch. I urge you to move for your sake and for your children. You are not respected in your job where you are now and that will eventually wear you down to nothing.

  • When you were describing your current job so many groans went off in my head. Spirit kept saying no grwth no apreciation--the vibe there is dragging you down. You have some history with undervaluing yourself because sometimes when things are too good you feel a bit anxiouse--you don't always feel deserving and here is a restlessness--Spirit asks you to be kind to yourself more and you have been trying--you do sense you need to make this change--you have gone through a period of self evaluating. You have opened your self up to seeing old habits that hold you back--I hear you saying to yoursef--why do I do this to myself? You need to change jobs--you know this. Your boyfriend has a valid fear--the job market is bad and he feels he can't aford to gamble with the only security he has. Once you are settled surprise him with a paid trip to visit--he may have to see it to believe it It's a big change for him to imagine. I think you already know in your heart what you must do. Follow your intuition.

  • PS you are now in a 6 personal year which means taking responsibility for your family and nurturing them. Your boyfriend is not your family yet.

  • Hey Hunnybunz, From my own personal experience, i would say go for the better job back to the town you moved from. I was in your exact same position a year ago. Turned down a few good job offers in my own hometown (in another state) because the man I was seeing asked me not to move. Problem was, i hated living in the town, didn't meet many like minded people I wanted as friends and didn't really love the job. Well, I stayed for him and ended up feeling resentful and unhappy. In the end, the man was wonderful but he didn't want to move and I couldn't stand living in the small town environment. I finally left last year and although, yes, I miss him and wish it could have worked out, it just wasn't right and I am SO relieved to be back home in a bigger city and among friends. I hope that helps.Good luck. I know it's a tough decision.

  • Thanks so much for your answers. My boyfriend was very attentive in the beginning, but last fall there seemed to be a cooling off period, kids starting school and overall business that's also when he was forced to take the demotion and paycut. I understand that we all handle stress differently and he may feel a slight blow to his ego as I was offered a job making more money. That might be a shadow he can't live in being the strong Leo he is. He tells me he loves me and says he will marry me one day but as the euphoria of new love wears off I fear sometimes that he is looking for something better. I dont want to feel as though this decision will rip my heart out but I fear it will.

  • Hunnybunz

    you have indeed received excellent guidance! Let the man take his place in line with what is truely important right now as you must not forget the responsability of head of family weighs on you not him. If the guilt of regret seeps in later you can have him visit--if he declines you must except he was NOT that in love. Happy packing!

  • Thank you for your insight, maybe the following will have some bearing on your answers....

    I did not mention before that I own my home. If I take the job I must be there in 6 weeks. My children and I have two dogs and a cat and I must pay for the move myself. I am feeling very overwhelmed at the expense and risk involved in taking this job, as there is no guarantee that my house will sell and while I wait for it to sell I must make the payment as well as find housing for my family and pets. Although the offer was significantly more than my present employer could offer (I haven't asked) it is not enough to sustain two households. I truly feel like my hands are tied. I'm sure that my children are going to be terribly disappointed but even if I figured a way to get us there I fear I wouldn't have the funds to even put us in a rental if I could find one that would allow pets.

  • Hunnybunz, I totally relate to you diemma. It almost sounds as though you're throwing up reasons for staying where you are. It doesn't seem as though you are 100% sold on making this move. I understand the financial side of things will be difficult. Is there a possibility that you could rent out your house? Not sure if that is option or something you would want to do but maybe it could help ease the financial burden?

    Also, maybe you could try something. This is what I do when trying to make decisions. You might even want to jot down your feelings when making these statements. Say each statement out loud and believe it.

    1. I am going to take the new job and make the move.

    2. I am going to stay where I am.

    What are your pure gut responses when you make these statements? Does one statement give you a sinking feeling? Does one statement make you feel hopeful? If so, then you can make it work. Once you make the decision, you do everything in your power to make it work. Once your intention is set, things will work out. It's the hovering in the no-mans world of indecision that is the hardest part.

  • Sometimes we get no garantees but if it's the right move the universe will be on your side and it will work itself out but as stoneyeye says to not make a decision is not going to help you at all. The universe can not get behing you one way or the other untill you put your energy into a direction. If you go with moving start the process and it will either pan out or you will get a message to go the other way. If you decide to stay then make that decision and if that don't pan out you will know as well. No decision is just too passive to get the universe involved. Also I noticed a change of tone once you got the approval from others to move as we all picked up on your enthusiasm so wondering if this change echo's what I said about your history of being a bit afaraid when things are too good? You must have been hoping for the answer we gave as you didn't mention any of the obsticals at all in your first post other than your boyfriend's reluctance so just curious why suddenly your enthusiasm changed to fear and doubt. Maybe you did decide to move but then the reality of all the preperation suddenly hit you all at once?

  • hunnybunz a while back there was a program on tv about people who wanted to move to another state so there are sites that you can go to and trade houses. And if one appraises higher than the other then there is also some moneys involved in the trades. It's been over a year since I saw the program but google house trading. This might be your answer.

  • You have to think about your priorities. On one hand, you have the move, the better job, the better pay, the happier kids who want to be "home".

    On the other, you have the dead end job, the lower pay, the not-as-happy kids and an uncertain future with your boyfriend.

    If you move, you get a better job and better life...but could lose the boyfriend. result: Boyfriend might even wise up and go with you. I have an autistic child, and yes, you take a gamble, but he can also look into the schooling ahead of time and scope things out. The schools will be happy to direct him to the best placement for his child. But if you do lose him, then you will eventually get over it, and still have your better life. And maybe even meet a better guy.

    If you stay, you keep the lower/less respectful job...but keep the boyfriend. In the long run, what if your boyfriend breaks up with you anyway? Then you'll feel resentful that you didn't take the better job, and you will be stuck, and most likely, unhappy.

    My advice would be to take the new job, think of yourself and your kids first. See if you can't rent out your home, because that would help with expenses. Also, talk to your company...not your boss, but the place you'd be going to, and see if they can help with relocation expenses. Some companies offer that now. And just remember, your boyfriend can be replaced....your future, your life, your happiness and the welfare of your children cannot be replaced so easily.

    I wish you the best! 🙂

  • Wow. Well said Darkness Angel. Ditto the above!

  • Wow you guys rock! I had the almost melt down this morning...not knowing which way to turn and i asked for a little more time to decide. I was given until Monday but I then decided to go and WOW! I feel so much better and believe if my boyfriend and I are going to make it then things will fall into place....and surprise surprise other things are falling into place too! Thanks you guys!

  • Hunnybunz, I feel that there is smneone around you right now who will buy your house - maybe a neighbour or co-worker?

  • I'm so glad things are working out and that you have made and feel at ease with your decision. It seems that making a decision is always the hardest part. Now that's done and you can focus on this new and exciting path! All the best to you!!

  • hunnybunz, that's wonderful to hear! I hope that everything works out for you for the best! Bright blessings for a fantastic 2010!

  • Oh, and as soon as you know where you will be living in the new place, have your boyfriend start scoping out schools now for his child. The more in advance that a school can be prepared for the arrival of a child with special needs, the sooner they can get an IEP together, and the smoother the transition for the school and for his child. I know this from experience. Another thing he can do (which I did), is when you move, and know which school his child will be attending, is that they can go to the school during a weekend, and walk the entire school grounds. That way, when school starts, his child will already be familiar with the new environment, and the only real adjustment will be the new classroom, students and teachers (which will be alot).

  • What a tedious process! What I don't understand is that there are obstacles popping up regarding the relocation. The town I'm going to go back to is in the process of a "boom" per say...and housing is extrememly I put the word out with old friends and have tried to look at more creative storing my belongings here as storage facilities are more readily available and then taking just the necessary item....still haven't figure out about the pets, but I might be able to board them here or there.....hmmmmm And in the midst of all of this I was so distracted that I made two car payments one from each of my accounts! Causing me to bounce two checks and be overdrawn.....dangit!

  • Well your a little scattered right at the moment and it's not a surprise. I was going to say but you have already made up your mind that your BF is putting his child first and so should you put your children first. See about the trading houses with money not being loaned right now for houses this might be the better way. Everything happens for a reason and you will be where your suppose to be.

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