Looking for some guidance on a tough journey...



  • What a great site! I'm reading all these stories and i feel so much compassion for everyone and comfort in knowing that I am definetly not alone. I could use a little life support, readings, spiritual guidance, positive energy..something..if anyone out there is kind enough to take the time out for me. i would be very appreciative.

    I work in a profession in which I help people all day long with their lives, it is rewarding, I love it and I am good at it. Im very intuitive and that helps me so much in what I do. But it is exhausting at times and leaves me without an outlet.

    My husband has been out of work for over three years. He's now working in a job that pays less that$10.00 an hour. He has completely drained all of his assests..he's 59 yrs old and a 24 year old daughter that has been instrumental in breaking up our marriage (we"ve both been married before).

    He has shrunken before my eyes, from a strong, proud, confident man to one who is beaten down and hopeless. I saw it coming, I tried everything I could to help giude him and encourage him. He's a proud ,stubborn man, always been rather rigid in his thinking. Never supported me when it came to his daughter, she was always right. He expected me to be loyal to him when my children were involved however..

    It's all very sad. He's a good man..just a bit misguided..I wish him well. We are in the process of selling our home in a terrible economy ( his daughter is back living with us until we get the house sold. Then she will move in with him afterwards.

    All of this has taken its toll. Coming home to negativity, dealing with it all day. I guess I have let my business slip and have not been going after monies due to me. My own financial position has become beyond precarious.

    I went back to school as a single mom with two young babies, worked went to school on full scholarship, had no car, took buses, very little help from anyone. I was raised in a violent abusive alcoholic home ( wonderful mom, dad not so much). I feel that after all that, here I am 53 years old..starting over again so deeply in debt. trying to find the motivation to get out of bed every day and be strong for everyone else.

    In addition, an old friend that told me he has been in love with me for over thirty years, came back into my life and has been a great source of strenghth and friendship to me, but after months of thinking that this is what the universe had intended..I realize that that will not likely occur for many reasons.

    Finally, this past Christmas I was unable to afford any christmas presents for my kids..( first time ever) I also told my daughter that I couldnt afford her college tuition, rent, etc any longer. We had a terrible fight and she basicall told me that I was not strong and that I never should have had children, which has devasted me. My children have been everything to me. I didnt date for six years after their dad and I broke up and I did not remarry for twelve years. I gave so much love to her. I need a litte encouragement, direction...where do I go next in this journey? I wish this awful feeling of heaviness and sadness would leave..and I am trying to keep my husbands spirits up, because he's in worse shape than me, lol!...Thanks for any help that you can provide, K.

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  • Dear Kittybonne,

    I t has been tough for everyone during this recession. I am glad to see that you are not wallowing in pity but you are out there doing something...like going to school and staying active.

    For your husband's daughter why is she not working part-time or full time to help with the expenses if she is living at the house?

    And your daughter is she able to find some work to help defray the college cost? Your daughter can look into scholarships, grants, or loans at college. I know even with that exhausted the colleges offer work study programs that pay a wage. For getting the college books try to get the use ones or look at different web sites instead of the bookstore. For housing arrangements you daughter could cut the cost of living expenses by sharing an apartment with friends.

    For shopping use the second hand stores, outlets, co-op food places,cut coupons and buy in bulk because it saves money.

    I could go on and on but you get the idea cut where you can cut because it will save money.

    Both of these girls are adults and must take adult responsibilities. As a parent you can only do so much financially and you can not support them forever.

    Everyone must pitch in and help. Become the family instead of an individual.

    Your daughter said those things out of anger but now she has entered the real life of the working world. I guess you could say that she finally realize the party is over or the buck stops here.

    Just because you are 53 years old does not mean you stop learning and growing. Please pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start looking up because if you look down you will never see the light.

    Sometimes when hard times hit it is difficult to stay positive but you are still together so you must tackle this problem as a unified team.

    I recently loss my husband in September 2009. I am by myself putting my last child through college. She is almost done ( only two more semesters ). I am hoping she will find a good job when she finishes college.

    I wish I could give you internet hugs,

    Rooster5



  • Thank you so much for your reply Rooster5..I am so sorry to hear of your troubles and I wish you evry good thing life has to offer.

    I went to scholl years ago when the kids were little. I guess that I didnt make that clear. We've done all the great stuff that you have suggested..I cant afford the payments anymore regardless...

    As for my step-daughter she works PT and helps her dad.

    Myself and my two girls are still family. My soon to be ex-will be going his own way with his daughter as soon as we get the house sold so we no longer will be. Your advice is good and sound. I will remember to keep my head up so that I can see the light..you too...that was lovely...thank you ( I did feel hugged, hope you feel one back..kittybonne



  • Dear Kittybonne,

    I am sorry to hear that your marriage is dissolving. I hope that the both of you will remain friends.I had another idea for your daughter's school bills... if you go to your local bank, you apply for the loan and you are turned down then your daughter can get additional funds. I think it is call the parent plus loan. Just try it... hope it works.

    You might have to come to the conclusion that your daughter might have to take some time off from school to earn some extra money.

    Could she do a deferment until you get your income tax refund back? Did you daughter go to the financial adviser at her school and see if their were any more options available to you since you are experiencing financial difficulties at this time?

    My thoughts in my head keep swirling around so I can help you try to think of other ways to help your situation .

    Rooster5



  • Don't have anything but hugs to offer...things are tough but I wish you luck and love



  • Thank u both so much...it really helps!



  • Dear Kittybonne,

    I was wonder how you are doing. Have you gotten anymore new options?

    Hugs,

    Rooster5



  • This may be something out of left-field but I am seeing a gold shining ring and I am wondering if renewing your wedding vows would help your husband feel better?



  • ACTUALLY WE HAVE BEEN TECHNICALLY SEPARATED SINCE MARCH. WE STILL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE THOUGH SEPARATELY WHILE WAITING FOR IT TO BE SOLD. hIHIS 24 YR OLD DAUGHTER IS LIVING THERE ALSO. NOT MUCH CHANCE OF A RECONCILIATION, EVEN IF I WANTED THAT, WHICH I DONT, HIS DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN. HE ANSWERS TO HER, SADLY, HUGE PROBLEM IN OUR MARRIAGE AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS THAT WE DID NOT MAKE IT. MAYBE THERE'S ANOTHER MAN OUT THERE FOR ME, BUT ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN HERE. THANK YOU SO MUCH THOUGH...KITTYBONNE



  • NO, MY DAUGHTER IS VERY ANGRY WITH ME OVER THE MONEY THING. BUT I REALIZE IT NEEDED TO BE DONE. I'M CLEANING HOUSE, SO TO SPEAK. WHATEVER IS WRONG, I'M FIXING IT IT..ONE THING AT A TIME. SHE HAS BEEN TAKING ADVATAGE OF ME FOR QUITE SOME TIME AND NOT TAKING HER STUDIES SERIOUSLY. MAYBE ITS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP..OR SHE WILL BECOME JUST LIKE MY STEPDAUGHTER..UNABLE TO EVER STAND ON HER OWN TWO FEET. SO IF SHE'S GOING TO BE ANGRY WITH ME FOR AWHILE, SO BE IT. THANKS SO MUCH, KITTYBONNE



  • Kittybone, let me speak frankly. Having trouble with one daughter might be coincidental but two I think is a pattern. Why should these girls both be so angry with you - what are you giving off or doing that could be causing trouble? Your post implies it is everyone else causing trouble for you. But you need to step up and admit that you have made mistakes too. It might not yet be too late to mend things if we here (and you) are able to see the whole picture.

    Certainly there is a difficulty with close relatonships straight off the bat. Also you seem to think it is your job to be strong for everyone. Wrong - this only makes those you are carrying weaker and more dependent.



  • Dear Kittybonne,

    Why soooo angry? You typed in all capitals?

    I had a similar situation in the beginning of our marriage with my daughter and my husband's sister.

    We both stuck it out. Even both of them are angry and sitting pouting but my husband and I were happy because we stuck in there because we loved each other.

    Our attitude was pooh on you we are living our life.

    Let me tell you it was not easy but we made our choice.

    I think you have decided it would be better to take the "highway". Maybe in the future your husband will realize you were the diamond and his daughter was the cubic zirconium.

    I am glad to see that you are determine to set the record straight.

    Big hugs and pats on the back!!!!!

    Rooster5



  • Captain,Rooster...

    Thanks for the reply. of course you are right. Everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. I know it must be confusing. Here's a recap: I have two daughters. One is the oldest, and i have a fabulous relationship with her, she' s like a best friend to me as well as a daughter. We talk every day. The youngest is admittedly spoiled by yours truly. tried to overcompensate for a lot of things..like and absentee dad..by letting her get away with too much..she knows just how to pull on my heartstrings ( this is her third college and last chance, cause she's not taking it seriously, which i recently found out about, long story) She doesnt like hearing no ( my fault, I know).

    Now I have to get tough with her and shes not happy, partys over. My husband has two daughters. One, the oldest is completely self-sufficient. The youngest, 24 is very helpless and dependent and plays my husband like a fiddle. He howerver will never say no to her and will never stand by me where she is concerned. Seeing how she turned out is one of the things that inspired me to get tough with my youngest daughter. The ony thing that his daughters ever had against me was that their mom ( my husbands ex-wife) told them that they could never have a relationship with me or my daughters, if they wanted to maintain one with her ( their mom). And I tried, believe me I tried.

    I met my husband a year after they separated, so it wasnt as though I broke up the marriage, but I was treated like a home-wrecker, called a gold-digger ( Im a psychologist and my husband has been out of work for over three years!!! If I am a gold digger, apparently, I am NOT a very good one. Through it all, Hubby never defended me. He was afraid of alienating his daughters. If my children were disrepectful to him, I would have corrected them and he would have expected me to. If your spouse is right, you should support your spouse. When your kids are right, you support them. If your kids are wrong and you tell them that they are right, that gives them a distorted view of reality.

    I hung in there for nine years, I did not want to end the marriage. I wanted to try marital counseling ( He said: No one is going to tell me what my daughter needs, etc.) It is hard to say no to your kids, sometimes they need that, and if we dont make self-sufficient adults of our children, they we have failed in our job as parents. He would never say: Oh, Pooh, this is my wife, you kids need to get over it..etc. I've said it to my kids about him many times and they have grown to love and accept him and dont want us to break up. His daughter wants to move up north for yet another fresh start ( shes had about 12 since Ive been around) so she can live near her closest friend. She's 24, she can accomplish this on her own. When I have pointed this out to him, he's said: I cant turn my back on my daughter. I have never suggested that. There is never a middle ground.

    Yet , he has lost so much weight, is tearful, has apologized and said: This is the cross that I must bear. And seriously, his daughter is a big, strapping , healthy girl. She weighs about 260 and is 5"10. She looks as though she could bench press my husband at this point. She has literally sucked the life out of him. When he was out of work, he still paid rent on her ocean front apartment, paid her credit cards, car insurance, cell phone and student loans, and was putting the other one through law school. They kept taking everything until he'd gone through everything he had including his retirement fund. I told him to cut back and let them help out (thyre 24 and 26) he wouldnt say no to them. Then when he ran out of money, he expected me to pick it up. He never paid anything to support my kids.

    As a matter of fact, he wanted me to sign a prenup before marriage, because his daughters ( and ex-wife) were worried about their inheritance. I said : No problem. I could care less about whatever he had and I wanted whatever I had to go to my kids. Its ironic how life turns out. They were so concerned about money and now they have nothing (including, ironically his bitter ex-wife) and have no survival skills. I never gave a crap about money, been down to my last 28 cents many times and I'm still standing ( Thank you dear God!) Little wobbly, but on my feet because being down before gave the skiils that I need to get back up again when I do fall. And that is what I have failed to instill in my youngest daughter, because I wanted her to have everything that I never did.

    But, the stuff that I went through shaped me into what I am. No one benefits from a cushy ride through life, that teaches us absolutely nothing. So, yes my youngest will be a bit pissy with me for awhile. But, i gave her a strong foundation and a lot of love and she will realize that no one will ever love her as much as her mom and big sis ( who thinks that I should have done this two colleges ago, and she is sooo right.)

    The caps in the other posts was because I am too lazy too press the shift button, but I wont be doing that again..lol Kittybonne



  • Do you see how you admit to not saying 'no' to your own daughter but blame your husband for doing the same thing? Maybe you can understand what he is going through because you've been there.



  • Absolutely, I see it. i understand it and i say we both need to be firm but loving with our kids, etc....I have said no to my youngest many times, but caved too often. I am working on changing that. He is the only one that can parent his child. He has to gain that insight, just as I have had to. Im not really convinced that he ever will. He's already told me that he would never say no to her, he knows that it is wrong but he just will not..for his own reasons. Thats not something I can change. I can only do what i can do to fix my life..K



  • Dear Kittybonne,

    I am glad you were able to express all your frustration and negativity out. I think it helps when you are angry to write it out.

    After I read your post I think you have made the right decision to cut the ties and reduce your loss.

    I think your husband was unfair to you by not supporting you... emotionally and financially. It seems your relationship was all unbalanced with your husband. Why did he set up a double standard? Does he not realize that he was showing an example for all the children involve? Where was family unity?

    Soon he will realize his mistakes.

    In the meantime you did the right thing by picking yourself up and dusting yourself off.. You go girl.

    Hugs,

    Rooster5



  • Dear Kittybonne,

    this may not be helpful, but I wonder if trying to keep your husband's spirits up is a waste of your energy, and counterproductive to boot.

    Before we married, my husband's daughter was a real bone of contention between us. Well, actually, she wasn't: the way he treated her was. I can see real parallels in the situation. And we parted many times during our courtship over this issue; right up until the time when I was so tired of it I told him that, if he didn't change his ways, he would end up an old man sitting in the corner smelling of wee.

    I think the image helped. Not saying we have never revisited these issues - they have always been a source of tension - but I could never have married him if he hadn't recognised that he had to be the adult in his relationship with his child.

    Oh - and I'm also reminded that I told him of all the cases I'd seen of children enduring truly horrible childhoods who still just wanted to be with their parents: knowing that it's really, truly difficult for your child not to love you was the other side of that.

    But that was early in a relationship and we had a chance to change the habit of only a few years, and make a new habit. By now, you are so right - you can't change him. Looks like he's made his decision, as you say, for whatever reason. His daughter gets what she wants; but it's fairly easy to predict that by the time she gets it it won't be what she thought it was.

    And you are strong and you will be strong, you have faced up to mistakes and are changing things. 52 is an excellent age to be starting again. 😄

    I wish you lots of love and light.



  • Thanks to everyone!...Things are going great. The path hasn't changed, but i have become so much more sure -footed. Really focused at work and feeling optimistic about what lies ahead...: )