Looking for guidance and perspective



  • I am unsure about posting my issue here, but I really have no one else to talk to about it. I have been happily married for 19 years. I have never really even entertained the thought of being with someone else, when out of nowhere I find myself drawn to someone I work with. It is so weird. We have worked together for nearly a year, and I didn't really even like him much at first, but over time, we have become friends. Then one day I got in my car to go home, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I felt an ache in my heart for him.

    I am empathic, so at first I thought I was getting it from someone else, but I have continued to feel it every day since. It has been about 3 weeks now. I haven't even worked with him in 2 weeks, and I still have another week to go before I see him again, so I kept thinking it would pass. I keep pushing it to the back of my mind, but it is still there. I don't know what to think.

    He is also married, and we both have children, so I wouldn't want to do anything to mess things up for either of us, and I don't want things to be uncomfortable for us at work. (Well, I will be uncomfortable no matter what at this point.)

    We are both unhappy in our position, and I am trying to get a transfer, so, I think eventually I will be able to get a way from it. I just don't understand why I am feeling this. I also wonder if he feels the same about me, if that is where I have picked it up. We were sending friendly texts back and forth about work, but I have pulled back from that now.

    Also, my husband senses something. He did not approve of the texting, which is another reason why I pulled back. He has always seemed to be on guard about this guy, even when I didn't like him. He has thrown his name out when we argue, so I know he senses something, although I have been careful about anything I have thought or felt about this guy.

    Another thing that gets to me, is that I sense that he is unhappy in his marriage. I have asked about his wife, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about her.

    I think I am flippin' crazy, because a part of me really wants to be with him. I am really confused about this. If anyone can see anything for me here, please share. I need some feedback.

    Thanks so much.



  • hidingaway> i'm not sure i'm good in talking into your matter, cause i guess (from 19 years of marriage) that i am much younger than you are. but still. your problem seems for me quite hard.

    can i ask are you happy in your marriage? i mean really happy and satisfied? (dont consider the kids now).

    my story is very different from yours cause i was not married and i have no children. but i was in a long relationship. and suddenly i realized too, that i am falling for another man. i tried to push it away for very long, but the more the time passed and the more i tried to push it away, the more i got unsatisfied with my relationship, cause i saw that it didnt make me happy while the other guy seemed so different.

    the problem is on both of your sides marriage and children, that is not so easy to break up.

    and again, i think you should give yourself a bit more time than 3 weeks. cause people sometimes have a falling for someone, which they think is true and real, and later it can come out that it was nothing just a short distraction.

    people also tend to run for something else, rather than try to see what is the problem in their lives/marriage and try to work on that.

    i guess if it seems that he is not happy in his own marriage then there might be more from his side too than friendship. but i tell you something what i've realized (and this is just my personal opinion). you have sit down and really seriously think about what you want. cause know this other man is just 'bugging' you, but if you go on, you might get into a mess where your heart will be really much stronger drawn to him and there will be no or a very hard way out of that.



  • ps. and of course you haven't looked for it, love or attraction just comes by itself most of the times, not because you are looking for it.



  • Thanks Katie for responding. I guess there may be a couple areas in my marriage that are lacking. My husband is somewhat disabled. He had back surgery 4 years ago, and still has not fully recovered. He also has other health conditions that keep him down. I am the caretaker, and sometimes I feel taken for granted. I want someone to take care of me for a while. Also, there is not alot of passion anymore. Intimacy is there, but without passion. He is just not physically able to do much. It didn't used to bother me, because I never really felt like being intimate due to being so tired all the time, but now I am starting to miss the passion we had.

    So, I guess that answers your question. And I know you are right about waiting to see if it will pass. I truly am hoping it will. My husband has been my best friend for many years, and I don't want to do anything to hurt him.

    I just don't understand why I am feeling this, and it is driving me crazy!

    Thanks so much for your input.



  • Oh yeah, I also wonder if maybe I knew him in a past life, and maybe I am drawing from that as well.



  • hidingaway: thanks for the honest answer. 🙂 i must say that life is sometomes unfair. and i had a lot of lot of problems to even break up my relationship (which was not at all as long as yours neither have i children). my bf was very much stuck to me, of course also because i've done everything and he could sit back and enjoy, and he also DID TAKE ME GRANTED.

    i understand that your husband has this back problem, but still i'm not sure he does enough for you. i mean you can be pysically ill and still care for a person in other ways. there has to be something you are lacking from your marriage. but i'm not sure it is not possible to work on it, if you want that too.

    hidingaway: I just don't understand why I am feeling this, and it is driving me crazy!

    well, it is quite obvious for me why you are feeling this way. you are not satisfied with what you have, you don't get the wished attention&care from your husband. and on the other hand you got attracted to another man. (which i believe really just comes, you can't influence it)

    probably has to do with the fact too, that he is not happy either, two not too satisfied people are easy to find each other, when there is a basic attraction.



  • I can't say that he doesn't do anything to try and take care of me. He assumes most of the responsibility for parenting my daughter, and cooks and does part of the cleaning. He does alot of little things to try to make me happy and take care of me. I still feel like I carry most of the load though, and like I said before, I just want someone to take care of me for a while. I'd love to quit working, and go back to school, but that is not financially possible right now. And as I also said, I miss the passion and romance. I just want to be swept off my feet for a while. I call it the "princess complex". And I don't think I would necessarily find all this with this other guy. I just hate it that I am feeling anything for him. I am very disgusted and saddened by this whole thing. On the other hand, it does allow me to fantasize, which is something I rarely do.

    Thanks again for your feedback. It has really helped me to start sorting this out.



  • hidingaway: youre welcome for my feedback, if it really helps, im happy. people in this forum helped/helping me a lot. so i know how it feels if you get a nice response.

    and just a note: with him not doing enough for you i havent necessarily meant pysical things like housejob, cooking etc. i mean emotional things... and dont feel disgusted, things like that happen all the time to most of the people. you just have to sort it out. maybe it is just a tool/a sign for you to open your eyes and really see that how your marriage is going, is not what you are happy with. and you can work on that. 🙂 then it was already a winning situation, even if it does not look like that right now. 🙂



  • Hey! I am Dena.

    Your honesty here really says alot about your intuitiveness.

    But you have a lot of questions and I think you already have the answers, truly.

    So I'm going to tell you what I am getting from you, OK?

    The friend at work is not a spiritual connection. You would have felt that from the beginning, I think, don't you?

    This is a crush or a hopeful outlet for what is beginning to lack in your marriage.

    You love your husband. That is evident. The feelings you are having are NORMAL.. You said it yourself, you need someone to take of YOU for a bit. You are singing a song we all sing in our lives, suga! It's real and it's hard and I hear you.

    Breathe, take a mental step back. Rise above and look down at your situation with an open mind.

    I don't mean to sound like a hippie but the answer is in you. It's there. It's fresh, it's relieving, it's fullfilling and it is with your husband. That's what I see.

    Good luck to you,

    D

    Things have become unbalanced at home. You are tired and working to re-balance seems too hard right now.



  • Dear Hidingaway,

    I had along relationship and marriage about 20 years. We both had children from a previous marriage. My husband was also suffering from a disabling disease due from abdominal surgery. My husband had recently suddenly passed away in September 2009. I miss him a lot.

    I think you were drawn to this person at work to compensate for your husband's disability and illness. Yes I can understand that you are tired of being a caretaker. What kept me going is that I loved my husband and would not want to be guilty in hurting him and eventually us.

    But you must stay focus.

    I knew my husband was not going to get old with me and walk down life's pathway, but I did not think the ride would be over already.

    It is better to love the one you are with than the one you think you are in love with at the office. I think it would be better to focus on your relationship/marriage.

    Rooster5



  • Hidingaway, if you can give me your birthdates and those of your husband and your coworker, I can compare them through astrology and see who you are most compatible with.



  • Thank you Denagirl and Rooster5. You definately helped clarify what as you said, I already know. It has been helpful to work through this with some help, and writing it out has helped put it all in to perspective. I think I will be ready to see him again next week, and not make any wrong moves. I definately do not want to do anything to hurt my husband.

    The Captain, I will give you all the birthdates when I can get his from work. I will have to look that up. I will probably not be online for the next few days, so I will get back to you as soon as I can.

    Thank you all so much. Blessings to you.



  • Hi Hiding away, I am so sorry to read about your circumstaces. Confusing I bet.

    Could it be that maybe your princess complex is sort of right on?

    I may be waaayyy off base so forgive me if I am--- and I don't think that many will agree with me-- but could it be that you just need a break from your life?

    I AM NOT SAYING TO HAVE AN AFFIAR-- But I can understand your position. It's probably been a while for the Va-Va-Voom that I'm always talking about, plus with a husband with back surgery it may be hard to Va-Voom him too much --lol-- the problem with love is--- life gets in the way.

    I I wonder if you talked to your husband. Not about the guy but about you two. You two may need a refresher. It sounds silly but have you tried to do something for you and him? Take a class of some kind? If he is anything like my ex it wilI be verrry hard, but try telling him that YOU need this from him to stay happy and sane.

    It could be anything from weight watchers to going to the range and shooting a gun! Get wild. If you get wild and crazy it may force him to look at you differently. You and your husband will have one night a week to gossip about with each other. Talking is great-- trust me. Try to make it you and he only no kids.

    As for the other guy? What can I say. We're all human. If he is what you want then I say be respectful to yourself, your husband, your child and your family. Ask him for a mild seperation, and give it a try. You only live once so make it count, just do it in a respectful way and be kind to you and your ex.

    And don't tell him!



  • denagirl i think i too may benefit from what you have said as i believe i am going through the same thing. I am not married nor is the other person but i am committed. I took it further physically though, and my lack of guilt is a little bit odd considering how i am. I completely lose control of myself around this person, he is quite addictive and that is why i believe it is just a crush. I feel like a 14 year old girl again :).



  • hidingaway I don't envy you any decision in your circumstances but I would like to back up to what you said about you being an empath. Let's see if it is possible that it my be his feelings for his situation at home is what your feeling. If your able to separate his feelings from your own. It was what I felt first that you maybe confusing this feeling as your own. And if your not all that happy in your home life that is what your mistaking for a crush. The attention as something that wasn't what really was going on at first. But you are being empathetic to his life. Marriage is a work in progress and when you took those vows, in sickness and in health I bet you never thought anything would test you. You can make your imitate moments work. Gee I am not drawing you a picture but you know love changes as we age and you can still have satisfaction because older people do. What if the shoe was on the other foot? Well I just got that feeling in your first posting and wondered if you picked up on the man your working with.



  • TheCaptain,

    Can I e-mail you those birthdates in a personal e-mail, as I would like to stay anonymous in this forum regarding this topic.



  • Thanks again everyone for responding. You all are so insightful, and giving me alot to think about. I had a few days to think about things while commuting to and from work. I really am hoping this is just a crush, and that I can soon forget it, and move forward. I go back and forth on how I feel about the whole situation. Yes I know that I do need an escape from my life. However, I also find myself deeply in awe of my husband and the person that he is. He still makes me laugh. We do have long talks, and flirt and really do love and care for each other. I don't think I could ever do anything to hurt him. Yet when I am alone, my thoughts are somewhere else. In one aspect, I think that I am reading more in to the whole situation with him at work. Then on the other hand, I fantasize about the possibilities. I guess I will figure more out after I work with him next week. In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy as much time as possible with my husband.



  • This post is deleted!


  • Thank you captain, I just sent an e-mail.



  • I wish I could find someone to talk too....who could give me some guidance....Iam scared and lonely.

    My husband of 23 years is in prison. He was sentenced for 7yrs. Before he was arrested 2yrs ago, he had a brief affair with a 22yr old woman, who was the same age as our son, at the time. We have 2 great kids, a son and daughter. Our kids are handling this betrayal in their own way. And even though it been 2yrs, I'am still lost and confused.


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