I am so confused?



  • I have to post because I am not sure what to do now. My ex who is a virgo as well as 6 year younger then myself, while I am a Cancer. We broke up back in November 08, and I stuck around because she did get pregnant and in her words at the time did not know if I was the father or her ex husband. It tore me up because I gave her my heart and she gave me coldness as well as a nasty attitude. So when the baby was borned a little girl back in July 09, we had the dna test. I am the father and I wanted to get back together since this is my first child and I love this woman with all of my heart. Now fast forward through going through court, and we have a no contact order, along with I have 50/50 custody. I am supposed to have every weekend but out of 7 weekends I have one. The mother of my daughter, had filed a restraining orders against my sister and my mom who are both supposed to pick up my daughter on Friday when I am at work. Well this past friday night the mother of my daughter called me and I had told her how I truly feel, about wanting to get back together, get married and raise our daughter together but she needs to get some help for what she has done as well as I have to deal with everything.. Let's say, 2x cops called me over bs, 1x during my first and only weekend with my daughter, the mother called the cops on me and now the restraining orders along with cps interview I had.. I still love her but now she states she is getting counseling and tried asking what my attorney was planning, which I could not tell because of everything that has happened. I am not sure if I should work on getting back together or just let my attorney bring all the court order breaks... Am I stupid in thinking the mother of my daughter actually loves me, is getting counseling and wanting to get back together with me as well as get married??

    Thank you,

    Charlie



  • Dear Dmnall,

    I would take it slowly if I were you. I would use a time out at this point of the game.

    Get counseling first.Open communications especially for your daughter. The idea of marriage is too soon. If all this is going on I am sure you do not want your daughter to be caught up in all the drama between her mother and you.

    It seems the mother of your daughter not only angered you but also upset the apple cart when putting a restraining on your mother and sister, which by the way are your support system.

    It would be nice to raise your daughter together but at this time there has been so much turmoil in this relationship. Again I urge you to take it slowly and listen to what your attorney has to say. You are the one paying for his or her services.

    Rooster5



  • Hey Rooster5,

    Thanks for the advice, she is wanting me to make a choice sooner rather then later. Yes I do not want to have my daughter put through all of this drama mainly from her mother. The only sad part is that I do not want to see the mother of my daughter get into serious trouble over her actions up too this point. The mother of my daughter wants me to fire my attorney which I will not because of everything. I am not so angry but more hurt because I have not stooped so low to stop her family from being around our daughter as well as I have not tried to ruin her life like she has tried with me.. I will be following my attorney's advice but it is hard with all of my feelings.. So what I want to know is she actually going through Counseling and telling me the truth on how she feels about me or is she trying to manipulate me through my feelings? Sorry for asking more questions as I am trying to keep my head straight..

    Thank you again,

    Charlie



  • Charlie,

    I do not get a good feeling about this, I feel like she is trying to manipulate you to avoid the court process. You stick to your guns, do NOT tell her what is going on with your attorney and follow it through so you have the custody of your daughter and the time you are entitled to. I feel if you get back together with her, it will only end in heartbreak for you.

    Good luck with it all

    Wenchie 🙂



  • Thanks for the advice. Wenchie. I am going to do what is right and not get back...

    Thank you,

    Charlie...



  • Hi Charlie, I agree with Wenchie unfortunately. I read your story and stepped away for a while to see if the uneasy feeling about this woman would pass. I still feel that she is and will continue to be trouble for you. It sounds as though she has some kind of personality disorder and will continue to give you problems if you get back together. I know you love her and would like to stay together for the sake of your child but in this case, I think your sanity is the most important thing. You have to be the strong and stable one for your daughter and that will be difficult for you if you end up with this woman 24/7. I would also encourage a psychiatric test of some kind for the mother of your daughter. If she does indeed have a personality disorder, then she can get the treatment she needs and this will also be better for your daughter in the long run. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take care.



  • This is not the time for mending fences--you have to finish what's been started. Listen to your attorny. You must keep a cool head to protect your relationship with your daughter. Unfortunetly you two are not in this alone--there's too much input from other family members and everyone has their own agenda. Meaning--there is no way you are all going to get along right now--it's as if this is war. Emotions are running high on all sides and even if you two could get past your problems you will not be able to get the support you need right now. They want badly to discredit you for legal reasons so you need to stay away from arguements and meetings. Get past the custody and legal stuff--this woman you love is not going anywhere. If your relationship is meant to be there will be time for that but not now. You both need counseling--it will help you sort out your feelings and give you the skills to communicate. You both need an advocate outside your family members to suport you and help you raise your daughter in an atmosphere she'l feel safe in and without so much conflict--hopefuly once all family members get past their fears this will settle down. Again, it really is important you follow the law--no matter what she says. No contact. If you really feel you must express what you feel in your heart--at night before sleep pray to her guardian angel to give her your message. Then have Patience. It's all you can do for now.



  • Dear Dmnall,

    Even though you have feelings,concern and understanding for the mother you must think of the one important part of this triangle and it is your daughter.

    You may forgive but I would go as far as to forgive. It will take a lot of counseling even to bring you both on the same playing field.

    You must keep your sanity because your little girl is depending upon you

    As for the verbal communications, I feel talk is cheap. If she really wants to change and care about the whole situation I would look at the non-verbal communication. I think this is the key to understanding what a person really wants in a realtionship. It is important what a person does

    not say or do.

    I am glad you are keeping your attorney.

    The important idea is that your daughter grow up in a loving environment. It is your daughter that is the important part of the puzzle.

    I am glad you are trying to keep your head straight, but I would play the cautious role now.

    Rooster5



  • Thanks for the advice. I have not been responding to anything she has been e-mailing me but I did mess up by answering the call even though I did not recognize the number but now I know that it was all a manipulation game on her end to try and make me mess up, plus I was awoken by my phone when I answered... But I have been trying to keep my head straight with everything. Stonyeye I think you hit the nail on the head, you are not the first person to ever say this about her. Plus what caught me off guard was the fact that she stated that she is seeing a counselor and supposedly she has nothing wrong with her but in my experience with her, she does fit most of the signs of Anti-Social Personality Disorder and I fell for it.

    blmoon, I have been 100% following the no contact order up until I answered the call by mistake and I should know now that I should not be caught up in her game, I totally lost my senses when it came down that she has manipulated me in the past and still tried up until this past incident.. I all I want is to be able to have my daughter, yet she is keeping me from her by a bunch of lies and restraining orders.. She wants me to visit my daughter at her house which is violating the court order for my visitation. She has even went as far as showing a peace officer that she had a stay on the court order when it was not even signed by a judge, which my attorney found out that she did apply for a stay but it was denied. Her response when asked about the judge's signature was she did not need a judge's signature and the cops sided with her.. Sorry for rambling on, I just feel stupid for falling for her game and making my first mistake...

    Thank you again,

    Charlie



  • Dear Dmnall,

    Listen to your attorney. You can also have your attorney take her to court for violation of the court order.

    Every time she calls have it recorded on your answer machine but also have this call recorded to the nuisance center at your local phone company.

    For picking and dropping off your daughter up for visitation it is suppose to be a neutral place such as the police station for example so both parties do not so something stupid. Thismmethod protects both parties as well as the child.

    I think you could also ask your attorney to bring the counseling up in court. In other words have the counseling done as a court order. This would make the records available both to the judge and your attorney.

    I am glad to see that you are keeping your guard up.

    Rooster5



  • Oh Charlie, trust me. You are not stupid for falling for this woman. I have dealt with people who have personality disorder and they can be soooo charming when they want to be. Then they turn on a dime and you wonder what the heck happened. Then they turn again and are sweet and sincere sounding .....and then they turn again. It never ends.....unless they can get some help. I also think that people like your ex genuinely believe in what they are doing. I think that she genuinely believed she was right to call the cops on you. In her mind, she had created a reason and believed it. That is the reason why I am saying to be very careful. She will be convincing to others because she actually believes what she is saying. She does not think that she is being manipulative. If she indeed does have personality disorder then the way I would deal with her (and this is personal experience talking) would be to never give a reaction. That is what she wants. Keep a level temperament even though it is difficult. Someone like her will thrive on the "excitement" of the argument. You just stay steady and cool. No reaction to her provocations. I agree with Bluemoon that you will probably need counseling as well to learn how to deal with this. You sound level headed though and you will get through this and you will be a very stable influence for your daughter. I also suggest that you google personality disorder to find out more about what you are dealing with. From those sites, you may also be able to find help for ways to interact with this woman and for getting her the helps she needs for the sake of your daughter. Please write again and let me know how you are. I feel really involved in this and want to know that all is ok. You stay strong and do what you need to do. Take care Charlie. You're in my thoughts.



  • Yes! Exactly what Rooster said in her last comment. Document everything. Meet in neutral locations where she can not cause a scene or pick a fight. Save e-mails written between you two regarding visitation and weekends when you are supposed to see your daughter. Be careful, cautious but stay calm. Honestly, maybe you could even look into practicing yoga if you haven't already. Very good for centering and calming the mind.



  • Thank you Stonyeye and Blmoon,

    I have been sending all e-mails to my attorney as well as anytime she calls me, however, I am more nervous about whether or not the answer is going to bite me in the rear but I have to deal with it. I think the biggest thing that is helping me keep the level head is my daughter. I know that my daughter needs a stable environment and I do not want her to grow up with the fact that how her mom is, that my daughter will pick up the bad behavior. I know when my daughter's mom and I were together, I was not a saint, I did my share of immature behavior, however, I have taken the stance that I did not want to fight in front of my daughter, even though, she is only an infant almost 6 months now but before I quit talking to her mother.. I just think that even at a young age it is not good for babies and small children to be subjective to the arguments, that I would walk away when I could sense there was going to be an argument.

    I am going to look into start practicing yoga because I do want to help keep my calm. I try to meditate every night, especially when I am really stressed out.. All I truly want is everyone to get a long, however, after experiencing this whole situation and all the insight I have been given here, that right now it is too early for this and the best thing is to finish what I originally started. I will be keeping everyone updated here. Thank you for all the great answers, it has really helped me return me to my senses of keeping a level head.. Thank you again for helping me get over the confusion I had.

    Thank you,

    Charlie



  • Hi Charlie,

    I'm glad you feel helped with your issue. I agree with you keeping a record of EVERY contact, EVERY conversation....even if you need to keep a diary of when she tries to contact you via email, phone or in person and EXACTLY what she says and how you responded, keeping your cool is the best way to handle this. The less you react and say back to her, the less you will have to come back and bite you in the backside later on. Yes....please do not fight in front of your daughter, I know she is only 6 months old but children are so sensitive and pick up on the tension and emotions and it will distress her.

    I hope it all goes well for you, and I would also like you to keep in touch and let us know how it all goes. If you ever feel unsure of anything or need to talk, we'll all be here for support, so you just hang in there.

    Wenchie



  • Hello Charlie, You have been wise to come to this site to ask for help and understanding with your situation, I agree with everyone that has given you advise and inspiration to continue with a task that is very difficult but most important to you and your daughter. I also hope all goes well and I am sure if you need to keep in touch, especially emotionally there will always be someone here for you, as you can see. LIKE WENCHIE SAID, YOU JUST HANG IN THERE AND DO YOUR BEST.

    ...................... Leonida



  • Thanks for the comments and the support. I have to ask because I want to do the right thing but a friend of mine who has psychic ability told me he did a reading on me last night and stated I should work it out with her, my attorney and myself before going to court. He said something about destiny wants both of us back together but I am still really cautious about this because I feel that the advice here is the right thing to do, however, he has never stirred me wrong in the past. I have tried talking with my family but they are just nothing but negative and hateful, which all I want is to get this done and have peace.. Now I do not even want to be around my family because of the stress that they want everything to go their way instead of trying to be civil and realize my daughter is caught up in this whole mess...

    I hate the stress, it is hard to be positive when you have two people pumping nothing but negative energy into you, like they want me to snap and do something terrible..

    Thank you,

    Charlie



  • Charlie,

    No one is right all the time. I'm sure you're friend wants what is best for you, but we can all interpret the message differently. I am not saying that I am right, but what I would do personally for myself, is look at your friend who is giving you one message and then all these other people who feel the same way, saying the opposite. I would find myself going with majority rules. Blmoon did say that there could be a chance to work things out in the future but for now you needed to follow through with this legal journey for now.

    At the end of the day you have to go with what your INTUITION tells you is right, because deep down we all know our own truth.

    Hope that helps.



  • Thank you again Wenchie,

    I am thinking going along with the Legal Journey is the proper way. I am leaning more towards that because of the whole thing someone cannot change over night though.. I am still thinking about the whole picture and one thing I cannot get over the fact that everything I was accused of, is what is making me want to do the Legal Journey because it was pretty bad being accused of what she had stated..

    Thank you again,

    Charlie



  • I'm curious--what did your psychic predict before this all happened? I agree in that I see you two back and forth together in the future growing and working out your lessons together. All we are saying is this will be easier with your rights in place first. Otherwise everytime you get into a fight she will withhold your child from you and you need the legal documentation to not have that threat always constricting your desicions with fear. No one has said to cut her out of your life--in fact mostly the input has all agreed towards counseling and working it out best as possible without this atmosphere of distrust and war. Get your custody agreement first. Her emotions are not always her own. There's too much imput from all sides. Of cousre the ideal situation would be you and her and your child living as adults in your own home both getting counseling and working this out just like the rest of us married folks do but that is not a reality now. Unless you can both do this right now without family help my advice still stands. Get your rights first then work towards becoming a family if it's in the cards it will happen. Meditation is a good direction to take because you are learning here right now that despite all advice given in the end you must be your own psychic--make your own desicion.



  • Hey Charlie, I understand your confusion. You must really love this woman. I would find it hard to do so after the hurtful accusations etc. but love is unpredictable. Hang in there. Do what you need to do for your daughter and also for yourself. Stay strong and calm. Sending you good thoughts.