• Thanks in advance to all that respond,

    Is there ever a Valid Reason for a woman to become involved with a Married Man..

    I'm married & to my knowledge my Husband has never cheated, but...realistically I know if he was cheating, He would do all he can to prevent & Hide the other woman.... I know there are a lot of marriages where there is another woman involved, and or visa versa, But I don't understand why a woman would put herself in this type of relationship....

    Now I'm not talking about those woman who a Man is lying to and she has no clue...I'm referring to a woman who Know the guy is Married...

    Am I being unrealistic to believe that Marriage is Sacred, and that most people still feel this way.... or am I being old fashioned and its just something we accept now a days, ..

  • Difficult question.

    There are many fors and against. I do not think you are old fashioned.

    In my view it is a learning path and I also see it as a weakness, although myself I have been tempted badly. I look at it simple. True love is somewhere out there and it is never one sided.

    The one who loves would not want to hurt a loved one, but would let go for their own sake. If their loved one is a married man, for example, there must be a reason why they are getting seduced by another woman-outsider, I guess they unfulfilled in their own marriage. When another woman meets a married man who is seeking the attention they do not get in their own marriage and another one is craving that attention, you get them together and they usually result in a mess. They cannot help it, as they become blinded and weak slaves to their own feelings that were looking for exit for awhile.

    The reason I think it is wrong is because the World is old. Men are men and if they are confused, they have to face themselves and make decisions, they have to work towards their inner. It is not possible to be in love with two women, it's rubbish, it's an excuse to face and to deal with their relations and lives. Sadly, some relations end, if this is the case, real man has to deal with it, instead of looking on the side. Where as women can help by rejection. I always wonder what the World would be like if all women in the World rejected all married men and visa versa. I recon the World would become a better place. People would learn something about themselves, they will grow spiritually. It is just easy to lay with someone, rather than work towards own peace, hey ho

    With regards to women, I wish they were stronger, I wish they could help them to answer those questions and learn to be objective and honest with themselves and their wifes and families. I wish those women just told those married man to sort themselves out, and if they are truly fallen in love with another woman, then they have to make their decisions deep in their hearts as to the consequences.

  • I used to wonder about this question. I was brought up believing in fidelity and a conservative moral standard. Convent bred, I was labeled prude by friends. I'm a cappy and very career oriented, which is not helpful in the romance dept. How many men told me not to complete a Ph.D. or no man will marry me (what a double-standard hypocrytical, opportunistic and selfish attitude.) I married a brilliant man. It was fine for a while until he became possessive and impossible to live with (not when I couldn't even see my relatives) ending the marriage - no regrets, no doubt about it. Then there a new phase is turning not until after nearly 10 yrs. My bf got tired of me not being so accessible and fell for a married woman going thru divorce. Their affair resulted in a baby, which he wanted although he did not want her but after she dumped her hubby, my bf had to face his responsibility. He and I met and rekindled our love and it was short-lived because a triangle is trouble. I told him to go try to build that mess and see. They packed and left the state. I cried on my loss but in a way I drove him away because of my convent upbringing. Another 10 yrs. later, an old teenage flame suddenly shows up. My true love, our story was unfortunately cut short by unrest in my country and my dad sent me away very far. There was no time to say goodbye to my friend and our friends. They all assumed I was dead. Many people moved, many displaced, many missing. After so many yrs. he married someone and had children. Now all grown, he heard about me, traveled over 5,000 miles crossing oceans and found me. The love is still there. Lots of questions and confusion mixed with happiness that I'm alive. Then he had to go back - no plans, our lives are the same except that we acknowledge the love that exists. Is this infidelity?

    To answer the question why women accept married men, it all depends on the circumstances and to what degree is love acted upon, what circumstances exists in each household, is the marriage based on deception, such as getting pregnant to hook someone? In that case who is really immoral - the wife or the other woman?

    I lecture I attended on this subject dissects love this way: love has many levels: romantic love, parental love, sibling love, love of a child, divine love, spiritual love, marital love and an affair. Barring divine and spiritual love, the rest have personal interest to benefit from and necessarily protect. Love of your child is an obligation. Love of your parent is gratefulness. Romantic love is rewarded with sex. Sibling love is rewarded with memories of growing years and loyalty. Marital love is rewarded with sex and security. Any of these types of love come with obligations, promises, benefits, etc. But an affair is a secret devoid of happiness to show off to friends, could be dangerous, no assurance, no right, no expectation of the future, could be denied any time, and no benefit whatsoever. Despite all these they love. Therefore, the philosopher said, it is the most selfless kind of love. Let me remind you that this is not my idea and a deeply philosophical mind, albeit totally untraditional and totally liberated from taboo.

  • When I was younger I was involved with guys in a relationship. They said they were not happy and the women refused to let them go so they put up with them. I was young and dumb. I believed them. They said that eventually they would be free and so I decided to give them a chance.

    They were not married, they just living together. After some time it struck me that if they were not married, why would it be hard to leave these women if they no longer loved them?

    I confronted them and found that whatever they said didn't make sense anymore. They had no kids with these women either, so really there was nothing there to hold them back. I left and since then I never went with anyone who is in relationship anymore. Married or not, they have to leave the women they are with before they can be with me.

    I knew a couple of women who did it for money, and I also know a woman whose husband can't satisfy her. She works and spends her money on a young guy, telling her husband that he is her brother and make him live with them. Once I met a very friendly wealthy man, he was in his 30s probably. Everytime he called me I always heard a woman's voice, not sure who it was but it was always the same voice, could be a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. He was nice and generous, I didn't expect anything bad until later on he made it clear that he wanted something in return. So as far as I know, people do this for money. Maybe also for lust, especially is the man/woman with money is physically attractive.

    There was also a time I met a married man who was quite blunt. He said he is married but doesn't mind some sha gging outside. At the time I laughed. I thought he was joking. Why would anyone admit he is married if he is looking for a s hag? But it turned out he was just honest. The reason why he admit his status is because some women (not all) do not mind giving him what he wants anyway, and there is no money involved. Both sides only consider it as a one night thing, no strings attached and nobody else has to know.

  • I've pined for a few in my youth but never actually did the deed. In my case the attraction was intimate in other ways so it wasn't so inoccent---- I think the men enjoyed the attention. I probably lied to myself if I thought for a moment a married man is nott happy with his mate because really he is were he is for a reason. Number one is number one.. Sometimes we have karma to play out and I think pining for an unavailable mate is the shadow side avoiding one's real truth. We sometimes are stuck in our childhood wound--we have adandonment issues. Looking back the men found willing had intimacy issues. I suspect there are a lot more reasons than we can imagine! Interesting topic.

  • Hi HealingWater,

    When I was young and very naive, a man came into my life - and for the first time in a long while (since I'd parted from my first ever love), I felt, well maybe I could love him and stop thinking about said first love and all sorts of bad stuff that had happened to me. He worked shifts so I didn't question it when he couldn't see me etc. But eventually I sussed it. Yes, he was married and what's more, had two young children. I struggled with it for a short while but then I ended it. I knew it was wrong for me, for his wife, and for his children. And truth be told - for him too. I swore I would never get involved with a married man again. And I haven't for 30 years.

    But like Tellstar, recently the aforementioned 'first love' found me again. To cut a long story short, we have met a handful of times and the feelings are still there. I told him straight off I will not have an affair - which he respected. I haven't seen him for almost four months, yet we do still text and speak on the 'phone. All such conversations (text or on the 'phone) are instigated by him.

    Is this an affair? I don't know. We aren't and haven't slept together. And yet, the texts he sends me are not texts it would be good for his wife to see. Part of me feels I should tell him to leave me alone and I should ignore his texts etc. Part of me thinks, hell, it's not hurting anyone if we stay in contact by text. You tell me.

    This kind of touches on something Wenchie said. Some people think sleeping together on a kind of 'one night stand' basis, doesn't matter. I have a male friend like that who is so very unhappy in his marriage (no I haven't slept with him either) and he feels having sex is just a natural thing - no more than having coffee. I look at it the other way almost. If having extra marital sex is wrong, then equally having coffee with a friend you hide from your partner is wrong? Hope that makes sense. Anyway, I'll be interested to hear what you think.


  • Healing>>But I don't understand why a woman would put herself in this type of relationship....

    Sandran712>>I know that some women get lied to.Men saying they are divorced when they are not.Men are so stupid if they can't tell the difference between being married /divorced or separated.For me..I am still single never married .Let the guys figure out how confused they are by themselves..LOL

  • Thank You all for being so Honest...and broadening my mind a bit,

    Lis1.. Thank you for sharing...

    Tellstar, you've helped me see past my more less black & white theory, with the story of your first love, your true love...There may actually be exceptions to my rule of thought, but...If the two of you have love for one another, couldn't he Divorce so the two of you can be together??

    Leo Scorpio..I had to share your post with my husband, and he said, of the woman who is not satisfied by her husband and has the young lover...That's why people get killed...

    BlMoon..Thank you for sharing...I didn't realize that responding to this post some folk would have to really get personal...and you have thank you..I don't know ...I think when we are young ..

    Hopefully our actions can be excused...and I believe as you put it..there are a variety of reasons...Women will become involved with a married man...

    Witchone, I hope that was a rhetorical question...because as holier than thou as I have come off earlier today on another post..yelling at Jenever7 about this same issue, because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed..I too have shared texting with someone, we have wanted to meet, but nothing has come to fruition...So I certainly am not the one to answer your question of ...if this type of action is infidelity or not...If it is and my husband reads this post on his own...Well he may want to kill me..LMAO...but seriously I wonder if I should delete this..still LMAO...

    I was suppose to take a nap earlier today, never took it and now have a terrible case of the giggles...Thank You Ladies...

    Peace Love & LIght to you all

  • that's why people get killed

    don't get trapped in cross fire LOL

  • leoscorpion>>They were not married, they just living together. After some time it struck me that if they were not married, why would it be hard to leave these women if they no longer loved them?

    Sandran712>>I lived with my son's father for 8 months out of the 23 years of having a relationship with him.It bothered me living with a guy not being married.But, I hate these kind of relationships.Because the guy thinks/calls it being married.Common Law is not acknowledged in the state of Ohio.Married to me is on paper not how you feel.

  • Sandran712>>Married to me is on paper not how you feel.

    Sandran712>>I had to quote on myself.Of course there is going to be love in a relationship.I just meant that being married is not saying you're married.I declare the certificate as being married

  • Sandran

    Exactly. I know some women think the same too. I thought marriage is commitment and legalized (on paper). But they think living together, which is common law, is marriage. They said that even if a couple is married, they can still separate. While this is true, the separation will have to be legalized too and it's called divorce LOL common law doesn't need papers or commitment, at least not the same level of commitment needed in marriage.

  • To answer the question of "Why would a woman become involved with a married man?" I think that it is a challenge or a game for some women, to see if they can make a man stray from his wife. I think it might give them a false sense of control. I also think these woman are not in pursuit of a real relationship, at least not at first. I also think there may be some self esteem issues that would allow a woman to remain in such a relationship. These are just general observations. However when I was young, before I met my husband, I briefly dated a couple different guys who were in a relationship. Not married, but had girlfriends. At first I thought it was a challenge, but I broke it off because I didn't want to deal with it. I do have respect for the commitment of a relationship. I have now been married half my life to my best friend in the whole world. I know there have been women who were interested in him, so I always made my presence known. To my knowledge, there has never been any physical affairs, but some of his friendships were questionable at first, which he eventually gave up. I am a very perceptive and intuitive woman, so I think it would be hard to get anything by me, but not impossible I guess...

    Any way, in my ramblings, I hope I have shed some light on this issue for you.

  • leoscorpion>>common law doesn't need papers or commitment, at least not the same level of commitment needed in marriage.

    Sandran712>>When I lived with my son's father I called it my boyfriend.Not my husband.I am seeing an awful lot of men's hands our there with no rings on their fingers..Hmmmnnn....

    And the women have rings on their fingers and bells on their toes...Tells....me that the relationship must not be very solid if that man can't wear a ring on his hand..Given his occupation some men cannot wear a ring on his job..But, I am sure he can put it back on when he's done working...LOL

  • Healingwater, I am glad to be able to join your discussion, I felt just the same questions within myself only 10 yrs back...yep took me six years to realise that there really are always two sides to every story ( not just mine ! ) (or his) (or hers) for that matter 🙂

    Unhappy people do things that they would not before have imagined in their persuit of: happiness? fulfillment? Who are we to judge them? We can only forgive...If not understand..then the best we must do is accept...questioning is futile....acceptance allows us to grow..forgiveness allows all to bloom..

    In Love and Light


  • Hidingaway,

    Hi and good to meet you...I hope you never have to experience the pain first hand ...I assume you are quite young?.......People cannot or more importantly..do not , want to recognise the signs of adultery...at first...(therein lies the key) There is no smoke without fire..and whilst it would be great to compartmentalise sadness and apportion blame...Life is not like that ...We all have to live our lives as adventurers..and forgive or at least accept things that we didn't plan for 🙂

  • This is a very important question that needs to be fully debated. I believe there are better answers than this question.

    Answers provided do not address the history of this human behavior. Why did God find it right to give his children (men) such as King David, etc, more wives? Why did God allow Abraham to have a child from another woman when He knew Sara would still provide him with one? Why do Muslims have more than one wife?

    I also tend to think that there is some chemical composition in men as compared to women that influence this type of behavior in some men.

    I noticed that noticed that most of the contributions to this important (Why do women accept married men?) came from women and infact “married women” who, expectedly, would give same opinions which are not balanced enough to fully provide a clear understanding of this human behavior.

    In my view, we also need contributions from those who have studied human science, women who have been involved with married men, married men who have been involved in another fixed relation for short and long time, men and women in polygamy marriages, etc.

    I was grew up with a strong Christian belief of having only one woman in my life and when I got into my first relationship, I have my wife all my life because I believed we were one. There was no decision or action I made in my life that my wife did not know but what I always ended up getting was very opposite hence we parted peacefully. The same happened with my second relationship. Advices I get from men who have maintained their first marriages is that I give too much focus on one woman to the extent that they get too used, stop to appreciate and start to abuse your nature.

    I suggest that you get well rounded views to this question which I think can be helpful to those who don’t fully take care of their marriages because they believe once they are married the hard work of nurturing the marriage is over because the partner is now locked up tome and me alone.

  • Hi HealingWater,

    Lol yes it was a rhetorical question. I guess in a way, I'm asking where and how do we draw the boundaries. For instance, if your husband came home and mentioned, "I had coffee with my female colleague x today", would you be bothered or troubled by it? Or if he said, "hey, I met up with my old female friend x for lunch" would you be bothered? I could go through a whole range of scenario's landing up with a married man (or woman) having sex with someone other than their spouse - thing is, when does it tip over from acceptable behaviour to unacceptable? And how do we come to accept those distinctions?

    To put it another way, I am divorced and not in a relationship. I have a single male friend (also not in a relationship) with whom I have no romantic or sexual history and we are not interested in each other that way. Yet, when we meet or part, we will frequently kiss each other on the lips. Many people are astonished when they discover we are not a 'couple'. They feel that kissing on the lips is a taboo unless you are a couple. So where does that belief come from I wonder?

    It is I guess, part of the rituals/beliefs/customs etc of society (well, western society anyway). Likewise, the idea of fidelity in marriage. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just questioning how we came to these beliefs and why. Obviously I have my own thoughts on the subject but I wonder what others think?


  • Hi Muwangula,

    Actually, I'm divorced not married. But I can't help wondering why you think married women can't have a balanced view on this subject? Yes it might be interesting to have opinions from more people but people aren't obliged to respond!

    Bright blessings


  • Hmm - well I know people who are married and they have very "unstable" relationships and

    shouldn't be married but are hanging in their because if they got a divorce it would mean financial ruin and bankruptcy. Some of these people go on and see others even thought the couple is still married. Sometimes, they even stay married for the financial reasons and just go on to live with the "other". I know you might think that's weird but sometimes there is just no other way. Someone winds up getting hurt either way whether "the other woman" started it, or the man or wife went out looking for "the right person"Then I know couples who are married who suffer in silence who don't let each other have other friends - muchless "boyfriends or girlfreinds" because they are "doing the right thing."

    Some people are just not ment to be together. In this cases, I think its wrong to keep each other from finding someone they truly love.

    Then I know couples who are ot married but are so dedicated to each other and so right for each other that I can't imagine another woman or another man breaking them up because they

    are truly bound to each other.

    I personally would not want to approach a married man. I might approach someone if I

    "thought" he might have a girlfriend but didn't get the clue that they were "serious". They might be serious today but not in 6 months. I mean I would be his friend. I wouldn't jump in bed with him. If it looked like they were "really" the living together "married" sort, then I probably wouldn't be such a "good friend". Last thing you need is one of those wackos who starts to make phone calls to your house calling you all sorts of names and destroying your life just because you want to be friends with her significant other. Nope - I would stay away from that.

    Even if 2 people meet and they are truly in love with each other and they are soulmates, chivalry

    always wins in my book. The best of people stand aside and see what happens because there are other people involved. Even if their significant other is really bad for them - like a strangling controlling wretched beast that he ought to get away from, there are still "codes of ethics" that need to be followed - even with beasts. That is, if you don't want to wind up being the beast's dinner guest with you as the main course.

Log in to reply