For several reasons, really...
First of all, just your basic, new-to-the-community, will-they-like-me nerves. I think I'll deal with that one first, by starting with a basic introduction.
So, I'll introduce myself as Aedrin. It's not my real name, as I am the paranoid sort, but I think it's a lovely name and I've used it for several characters until I've come to identify my other-self with it somewhat. I've just turned 23, just graduated college, just found - and quit - my first Real Life job (boss was asking for illegal things). I live a double life, hence my reference to my "other-self." It's not a split personality thing, it's just a necessity to metaphorically split myself into two mes, in order to keep my life out of chaos - I can't say much more about it without revealing too much personal, unnecessary, and frankly just plain boring information so I will leave it at that.
The reason I've come here has to do with some of my other reasons for being nervous. See, I've always had a penchant for psychic abilities. I've got some basic divination abilities, done some summoning (without knowing what I was doing as a foolish teen), and some other things, not so important - but my main issue is the ability to manipulate the will of others. It's something I discovered I could do at a very young age, something that comes so naturally that I often do without even realizing I'm doing it until it's too late. I'm still working on learning how to effectively maintain a sort of reverse-shield that keeps myself in (instead of your typical shield that keeps others out), as manipulating others is NOT something I ever want to do, unless it's some sort of weird emergency, and even then I'd feel guilty.
I also can often know things about a person by just being near them - heightened by touch - and these are very personal things that I shouldn't know about a person. It doesn't happen as much because it's easier to kind of tune out, so that even if it is happening, I don't pay attention and the knowledge is lost. But it still bothers me, and sometimes I can't help but notice what this other sense is telling me. I psychically invade people's privacy, and I don't want to do that.
But then I've had a recent development. I've realized that I've begun feeding off others' energy, completely on accident. Or maybe I've been doing it forever but I have only recently realized it; I'm not sure. I don't know how to stop without cutting off contact to other people. I actually tried that for a time, and I had a catastrophic breakdown. I have had thyroid issues in the past, so I went to the doctor and I got everything tested, but I am functioning normally physically, and my current condition was passed off as nothing.
So I did some extensive research, and the only thing I can find is to try using donor blood as a substitute for feeding psychically, because at least then I'm not stealing anything from anybody. You probably know what I'm referencing - psi-vampirism (feeding off others' psychic energy) versus sang-vampirism (feeding from what is supposedly the purest form of energy, blood).
According to several resources on the topic, I apparently have all the "symptoms" of sanguinary vampirism, if you believe in such a thing, minus the symptom of being utterly compulsed to drink blood. I have no idea what effect consuming blood might have on me, and I don't care to find out. I'm a vegetarian, for chrissake! The idea of eating meat, let alone drinking blood, repulses me. Though I admit, drinking blood seems like the lesser of two evils, as at least the body produces more blood fairly easily, but taking a chunk of flesh to chew on is pretty much permanent. I did bite the bullet and eat a bloody steak, and I felt marginally better at first, but then the shock of eating meat for the first time in a long time hit my system and I ended up feeling worse.
(Please don't take offense to my words about these things being repulsive to me, if it's something you partake in. The key word here is "me" - it's not something I choose for myself. The idea itself - of eating meat/drinking blood - doesn't repulse me, it's just something that I couldn't do personally. The best analogy I can come up with is that someone else might abhor roller coasters, but of course they don't mind in the least that others enjoy riding them, and they even understand the appeal. It's just not for them.)
Anyway, I've come here because of all the websites and forums I've come to that may be able to help me with this, this one seems a] the most accessible (didn't have to pay or swear allegiance or something), b] the most active, and c] at least somewhat relating to my plight.
Basically, I don't want to ever take anything away from someone without their permission. Not their free will, not their energy, not information. My shields are shoddy and as all the information I can find about shields are about shielding from others, I don't know how to improve them. And I don't know what I can do instead of siphoning off others' energy, but like I said, it's pretty disastrous if I just avoid it entirely.
My purpose in posting here is partially to get any help or advice, but also I'd really love to become a part of a community that will accept me. I've been cast out by many supernatural communities in the past - some find that I'm just too crazy for them, others find that I'm not "into it" enough. But from what I can tell, you guys are pretty cool. I hope I can find a home here. Thanks for reading.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer you I just wanted to say welcome. I am fairly new here myself and have found people to be very friendly. Hopefully someone will be along with some ideas for you soon. Oh except I do remember reading about using live yogurt as a substitute for blood. Don't know if that makes any sense to you or is of any help.
Yoghurt, really? That's really interesting... And still totally not doable for me. I didn't think this would be relevant at all but I have what my friends have deemed my "texture issues" - which is actually a form of sensory integration dysfunction. I can't eat anything that's too squishy or sticks to itself - whipped cream, gelatin, yoghurt, cheese, etc. Heck I can't even use too much toothpaste at a time. And when I say "can't," I mean it literally - I throw up before it gets past the tip of my tongue. I've tried and tried to overcome it but it doesn't work.
I don't know enough about yoghurt... What about those little pills that has the live yoghurt bacteria in them?
Anyway, thanks for the welcome, witchone. Hope I'll be seeing more of you around as I explore these forums.
Hi Aedrin -- Welcome to the community. I've only been coming on here since November and have found extreme comfort and a sense of "home" more so than anywhere else in my life. I hope that you feel that here as well.
I think most people may be intimidated by what you can do. I think with explaining it upfront expresses your shear honesty and plea for help. I hope to be able to help you here on this site. It seems more than anything, that you really need to be surrounded by people that accept you and your gifts for who you are. I feel it will help you immensely.
I also believe that you can turn your gifts around to help others instead of vacuuming the energy in. I'm thinking you might be able to break up the energies you receive to re-distribute it out. I don't know if this is even possible, but it was a thought that came to me. It would almost be like categorizing the energies into different groups, labeling them and then distribute them out. How? Not sure. Possible? Not sure either, but it's something to try. I could even try it with you, because I am very similar to you. I have always had the ability to manipulate. I do try to steer clear of it. I have used it to help others though.
Again, welcome to the forum. Hope to hear from you soon!
Thanks, Amantim. I'm encouraged by your words.
That's a really interesting idea about redistribution, but I don't want to try it without at least knowing a little bit about it. Also, it seems my own body uses up a lot of the energy somehow. So I am not sure if there'd be anything left to redistribute. But it's definitely something I'd like to learn more about.
As far as surrounding myself with people that would accept what I refer to as my other-self, I really do want that someday, but it doesn't exist in my current very conservative area, as far as I can tell. I do aim to move somewhere more accepting at some point, but for the time being I need to be near a couple of ailing family members while they are still here - I am helping them in every way I can and enjoying my time with them while I still can.
Aedrin -- While reading your post just now, I started shaking tremendously. It's not a bad shake either. It's the one that I get when I am usually "connecting accurately". It's almost like a "high". I feel very connected to you. I do think that you can surround yourself with people like us. You are right now. I meant on this site. I don't know if you will find someone or others like us outside of here (I'm pretty sure you will when you're ready), but here is a very nice start.
You are among friends. I know with me, I have a sort of protection about me. It's hard for others to "steal my energies" without my permission. I can give it effortlessly though. So, it'll be okay for us to communicate if that's something you are worried about.
Lol, reading that made me think of my daughter. She has texture issues. Lots of things I cook she loves the smell of but won't eat because of the texture. Mind you, this is the child who decided she wanted to be a vegetarian - no problem except she doesn't like vegetables. Anyway, back to your concerns, I guess in your position I'd try the pills with live yogurt bacteria. Presumably it can't hurt. Other than that, nothing else is springing to mind. Except to see if there is anything available re shielding in reverse as it were, though I realise you've tried looking into that. Hopefully someone else will have further information on that or some other ideas.
Thanks, guys. I already feel like I'm making friends! I'm almost tearing up. I hope to get to talk to you guys more and hear from other members of the community too!
Hi Aedrin, Im pretty new here too. Dont have any abilities (that i know of) but have always had an interest! Firstly thank you for your honesty.. secondly i hope you find someone to help you come to terms with and develop your ability in a positive way here... im sure you will! I have to say the people Ive come accross here are of the most giving, generous and accepting people Ive ever met. They give of their time, energy and knowledge freely and Im sure someone who understands whats happening with you will respond soon! Best Wishes!
I felt drawn to your post, and felt compelled to respond, which is something I usually hold back from doing. So, I guess I feel some sort of connection to you.
A warm welcome from me as well. I too am fairly new here. I have always known I was"special", but was really unaware of everything that I was capable til I started reading everyone's post. I see what you mean about manipulating people. I seem to have the ability to make people do things for me, sometimes even giving me things. It happens so naturally, I don't even realize I am doing it. It does come in handy in my current job, however, when I realize it is happening, I pull back. I also am empathic, so, I am always giving my energy to others, as I feel their emotions. I think it is a way of passing on healing abilities. I am still trying to figure it all out.
I am impressed by your honesty. I have a really hard time opening up about everything for fear of being ridiculed, or not taken seriously. I do have some really deep issues that I am working through on this site, so, I relaay hope you find what you need here.
As far as preying others, it is refreshing to see that you realize and don't want to do it. That is a major step, and you should give yourself some credit for that. Have you tried simply asking the universe, or saying a prayer, or however you want to call it, to simply keep others safe from your abilities? I agree with Amantim about redistributing also. I do believe it can be as simple as asking the universe or God, if you will, to help you with this on a daily basis. I pray daily for safety for myself and everyone in my life, so, I don't see why you couldn't ask for the reverse. In addition, visualize this energy staying with the people, or even bouncing off you to be redistributed.
Hope you find this helpful. Love, light and blessings to you.
Thank you so much for your kind response, MissyMill. I do pray every day, and practice visualization often. It has helped somewhat, but the answers that keep coming to me are that I really need to learn more about control and/or shielding. Though I haven't tried this redistribution thing; I will definitely try that the next time I need to go out (I've been staying away from people as much as possible lately...).
It definitely was hard to open up about all these things - it's not something I can talk about with anyone I know in "Real Life," for sure. But I took solace in the fact that everyone here seems kind and tolerant, and I took a risk. So far I am pleased.
I'm thrilled to meet someone with a similar ability to me so soon. It's like you explained it, people just... do things for you or give you things. They completely change their minds about something they feel strongly about. It's amazing how easily conflicts can be resolved, but this is NOT how I want to resolve conflicts - it's not real, it's just an illusion, you know? When it comes to like, resolving an issue with my phone bill it's one thing, but when I'm having a drag-out fight over something important with my love (now ex, as I'm in no place for relationships), and then all of a sudden he's as compliant as silly putty? It's just not right. And I don't know how to stop it. Sometimes I wonder if I've done it without realizing. It makes me wonder constantly - did that person do this or say that because they truly feel that way? Because they truly care about me? Or because I accidentally made them? And sometimes people have kind of sort of noticed. One of my best friends said to me recently, "You know, somehow I always find myself talked into things I wouldn't normally do when you're around." I felt so horrible, I had no idea. Others have said similar things, just noting how I have influence on them in some way.
...Sorry for the rant. I got started and I couldn't stop. I've never spoken freely about this before... I hope I don't put anyone off. Well, I guess I can at least be proud of myself that I took the full jump?
Someone has recently suggested to me that I can try to feed from nature - like, trees and stuff. Or that I could find a willing donor and feed from a distance (there'd be no willing donors where I live so it'd have to be long distance). Does anyone know anything about these things? I worry about both, the first because I don't know how to ask permission from nature and I don't know how to do it in the first place; the second because I don't even really know how I'm feeding while in close proximity, so how the heck do I do it from a distance?
Anyway... Thanks to everyone that has responded so far. I'm already starting to feel at home, and even if my problems are never solved, that is very important to me.
You have no secret power that anyone else does not own under the guidelines of love. The human need to trust. We are all capable of manipulating others. It is the temptation we all resist or don't that determines our character our morals. You are too paranoid and need to get out of your head more. You have a very bright soul but a very dark shadow. This website can be a healing positive place so I hope you will feed the bright side of your spirit and heal what needs to be healed as the people who can help you most are going to shy away from that dark energy--you already know this. It is this inner war inside you that reaches out with the right hand then cuts it off with the left. Spirit says the word HEAL---Crossing out the word written in red---"self destruction." Isolation is not the road to healing right now--this kind of stagnation only feeds the ill. This is good your Bright half is still reaching out--please take it further and see a doctor specializing in depressive mood disorders. I know I risk offending you by suggesting this but Spirit insist someone must say it. You've been told this before but resist. Wishing you the healing you are seeking and deserve. May you find your Blessings.
I'm not offended that you would suggest depression as a cause, but first of all I have never been told by anyone else that I should look into depression/etc., in fact I came up with that idea all by myself when I was a young teenager. Secondly I obviously have not resisted, as I have already gone through all the motions of being diagnosed, medicated, counseled, etc. years ago. I have regular visits with psychiatrists and psychologists and as it so happens, for the last couple years or so I have not been having any problems, I just continue to go as a precautionary measure. So I just don't know what to do with your piece of advice concerning that.
Other than that, I feel like you are basically telling me that the community is not going to respond to me, when I am desperate for advice that they could possibly give. This is very discouraging. I don't understand why people that could offer help to others would shy away, just because those people need a lot of help. To me I am seeing this image of a person keeping the sack full of food from the starving orphaned child in order to give it to the woman who has food stamps. That starving child needs help SO much that we're going to pass him on by.
It's not a matter of "giving into temptation" when these things occur. That's like saying a person is giving into the cancer eating away at their body. I can't see it happening, I can't put my fingers on what makes it happen, I can't just not do it because I don't know what's doing it in the first place. That's why I need advice from wiser, more experienced people.
I think it would be wise for you to see about feeding from nature or from a voluntary donor until you can get this under control. I also see that you recognize doing this to people but yet don't seem to know you are doing it. At some point you must then realize that you have done it, so it makes sense that you should be able to catch yourself and pull back. I think it is a learning process for you.
I don't think Blmoon meant that the community would not respond to you when you are desperate, or "with hold a sack full of food from a starving orphan" (which is a very creative analogy. I like it.) I do sense the negative energy myself, and thought twice about responding. But because I feel compassion for you here, I wanted to see if I had anything else to offer you. I think Blmoon meant her words to get you thinking and moving in the right direction. As with anything you read, "take from it what you can, and leave the rest behind" Try reading it again and only work with what is received in a positive manner.
I don't know what more I can say other than that I feel and understand what you are going through. I truly hope you find the advice you need , or something that works for you. Stay positive. Love and blessings to you.
I have seen your post before and have not responded because I have absolutely no idea how to help you nor any advice to give. But let me start by welcoming you to the forum, I think it's important for you to feel that you have somewhere to go to talk about these things as I understand how it feels to not be able to discuss this sort of stuff in our "day to day" life with most people we know. You can definitely be yourself here. I think for most of here, nothing seems too strange or too out there, we are quite an accepting bunch.
I do have one suggestion though, I would suggest speaking with Ahliyah and get her take on it and see what she says. You can find her on the Circle of Gold thread, I will find it in a minute and post a link here for you.
Good luck with it all.
Here is the link for you....
A very warm WELCOME to you in this forum! Cheers!
Same as Wenchie, i have absolutely no idea of helping you. Just wish to make you feel welcome in this forum though.
And also like Wenchie, the person i thought of which i think can help you when i'm reading your post is Ahliyah. (Hey Wenchie!, wise men thinks alike! heehee)
You should have a chat with her. I definitely think she will be able to give help or advise to you regarding your ability.
Once again, welcome to the family. You will definitely be welcome here!
PS: I admire you ability and I believe when the universal gave you this gift, it normally comes with a purpose. So since it is given to you as a gift, i believe you will definitely find a way of controlling it. (just need time & practice). Use it positively and well to serve others in need.....
Yes great minds think alike!!!!! :-))
Well said, yes Aedrin has some great gifts that will go a long way to help others when Aedrin is feeling more confident in being able to controlle them.
Hey there Aedrin
Welcome on board to forum! You will find that the people here are the most amazing and the warmest people you could want to have cross paths in your life and to help you on the journey that this life has to offer.
People here are very giving of their time and those that can offer assistance certainly will
Love and light
that foolish "summoning" you did as a teen WAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT. The empaths here do not wish to withold at all in fact we want so much to help--it is our natures BUT we can't ignore the energy you have attached to yourself. There is a healthy respect for inviting such things into our lives. As for my remark on you resisting medical treatment and thinking because you have been to a doctor and on meds your ok--but you are not ok and you have not been honest about yourself in keeping up with your needs. Please print out your original post and take it to your next session and give it to your doctor. You also need Spiritual healing that is out of my league. Out of most our leagues here. At least you are reaching out. I know I'll get return posts for dissing this romantic vampire idealogy but I wouldn't go neer that with a ten foot pole. This new culture hipe for the young is harmless on a fantasy level as fads go--when I was a teen it was J.R. Tolkiens the Hobbit! You take this vampire idea too far---cross a dangerouse line. This is as far as I can go with you as I can't go there and if there are any of you vampire obsessives out there please do not bother posting me in defense or argument as I will not read. Best wishes Aedin, many are praying for you and your Guardian Angel is working overtime in your behalf.