Things are not going well,
I have tried so hard to relax and allow things to fall into place, no sooner did I get comfortable with that, things start falling a part. I feel I have no where to turn and although I have tried to talk to my friends here at home, its just not helping me figure out how to fix what all is going wrong.
My self esteem is weak, my decision skills I have doubts about, because of the happenings that have been occurring in a very short period of time, in fact starting just before the new year came in.
Last Sunday really started a crash for me, then a follow up to a complete down fall began on Monday. Two separate dramatic things happened one right after the other. Plus I have already been stewing over money issues and today while doing bills, I realized I would run out of money to just put gas in my car to go to work, before my next paycheck comes in.
Thursday I ditched my car and it already needs a new battery, two tires, an oil change and head lights fixed on it. My car is really just an add on in minor form to my issues.
I am so sorry ladies to come here once again bothering all of you about my problems, when so many other people have as much or more then I do, that they are dealing with.
I have been spending a lot of time alone in part so I can sort out what it is I am going to do about my situation, in part because I don't want to burden others with my problems and in part because I don't have the money to get in my car and go anywhere.
I got some bad news about my health and its weighing on me, because I have no insurance to cover what is wrong and fix the problem.
I just feel like I am falling apart.
Kay I see you haven't made a list of the things that aren't working. Where is the list of positives that are working? Or are you only bringing the negative in and make it so there isn't room for the good to find a home with you? You were given the tools and I think your so used to the down side of life your having a hard time getting into a habit of working on what the good things are and helping them to multiply. Work harder in this direction and remember out of bad situations good always comes. But it takes work. You need to rework your thinking or it's staying the same. I don't mean your controlling and fixing because all I want you to fix at the moment is your thinking. Make a list remember what you want and more in that direction. Working on forward movement. One step at a time. And one day at a time. What can you do today? Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Hi Kay, I'm new - nice to meet you.
I agree with LibrasLair - that's very good advice. It's quite often that people get so wrapped up in focusing on the negatives that all the positives go unnoticed. This isn't just a psychic strategy, it's plain old psychology. Keeping a positive attitude can affect how things happen in your life, because even if you don't realize it, your positive attitude can affect how you make decisions, how you treat people that have an affect on your life, and even affect your health, etc. I'm not saying a positive attitude will POOF everything to perfect, but it can help you see more clearly and feel better about things, and that affects your surroundings.
And I've found it helps to surround yourself with loved ones when you can, and work to talk about cheerful things with them for at least most of the time, if not all. The positive energy from that really helps when I find myself in bad situations.
I hope things start turning around for you! I'd love if you'd keep me updated. I offer hugs and cookies. ~ Aedrin
cookies .... did someone say cookies ??
Kay --- flow in the direction of the stream, not fight the current. been there ...
& still sometimes forget prior sentence.
All good will find you.
That is so sad.......just awful. I feel for you, I will pray for you. It will get better. I promise. Just think positively.
Thank you all for coming in here to talk to me. I really do appreciate it.
I really am not looking for pity or someone to feel sorry for me. Truly, I am not.
My hardest thing right now that I am trying to find a solution for is my daughter for one and how I am going to make it back and forth to work until I get paid again.
If I call in and miss work to avoid having to borrow it. I still loose, because my paycheck will be less and I take the chance of loosing my job, if I go and I borrow, then at least I keep my job. I'm just worried and was looking for some insight. You all can't solve my problems for me and I know that, I guess I just needed someone to talk to.
I tried listing my positives these are the ones I have currently,
for now I still am living in my house,
my kids and grandaughter are alive and healthy,
I still have a job,
I have food in my cabinet,
I have clothes to wear,
I have a couple of good friends
and at least my car is running and in working condition once the battery has been jump started.
As far as my BF, yes he is making things complicated with how he has backed off from me recently, but that is not my main concern, because I cannot make anyone love me or stay involved with me, if they do not want to, or it just wasn't meant to be. That is up to him and fate.
Seems that since my husband died, I have more anxiety problems when under stress and pressure. I started having anxiety attacks about 7 years ago and that's when I found out I had low blood sugar.
But they were controlled by eating things with high protein. However, since his death, I have lapses of feeling out of control. I feel pressure, stress and anxiety more intensely then I have ever felt before in my life. I feel completely out of control in my mind and it makes me depressed and I have the feeling I am going out of my mind.
I'm just looking for advise and insight here, so I can sort things out and try to find some calmness in my self and perhaps some control over my feelings, so I can keep from feeling this way. I use to never be like this,
I can't get a logical grip on understanding it, now.
I have been the sort of person that no matter how bad things were in my life, I was able to have a genuine smile and positive outlook on things and was giving and supportive of others that were having a hard time, no matter how bad things was going on in my own life.
I do not know what has happened to me? I want so badly to fix it, but I cannot seem to tap into that person, that I use to be.
Sometimes I wonder if when he died, he took that part of me with him, even though things were not so good with him and I at the time of his death. I still did love him and I still wanted to help him and I never thought that things would end up as they did.
Friends and family think that I should be past all that by now, or at least be on the road back to who I was before. Maybe they are right, but I just can't seem to get back there, at least not yet.
So I live in fear of loosing someone else close to me and I even feel that I am a curse to those I love. I know it sounds crazy, I think its crazy, I just don't know what to do about it.
Yes thinking positively has always worked for me in the past, but it hasn't been working so good since August 28, 2008.
My health issues have to do with female problems which may involve surgery. With no insurance, no money to pay for the bills that this problem would incur, I am also stressed about that. Of course I know, that if it comes down to it, I will just have to endure it. I am just now getting my credit back into shape, and having more bills that I cannot afford, well to say the least its stressful.
Please know, I so appreciate everyone here and I am thankful that I have some where to go and talk about what is happening with me.
Kay I was really glad to read your list and then boy you hit me with all the downer shots. So no you can't make someone love you but do you love yourself? If not it's going to be hard for someone else to. Could your attitude be why the two of you are on shaky ground? Does he think maybe your trying to do too much for the kids and nothing for yourself. And he thinks things between you and the kids are too one sided? If I am correct I would say he is on your side and may be the kids could do more to help out. Some part time jobs while your home and can watch the baby? Get a cheap battery from Walmart at least till you can pay for a better one. See if the BF can help with that. Work with him and see if the two of you working together can make for smoother waters. I feel your stressing is part or shall I say all that's keeping the romance from going. May be you don't like what he has to say cause it's your kids and he feels you don't have them participating? I know your daughter is 18 so she can do something to help. And your health issues well is there a clinic or hospital that will take you when your without insurance? Most states have a few so maybe you should look into it. There is FMLA if your company has enough employees. Didn't you say you deliver papers? Check with social services for yourself and maybe state disability? Keep looking.
Thank you Libra for giving me some things to think about. If you don't mind, I am responding to what you said hee, in the hopes by me talking about it, I can get it all sorted out inside of me.
No the romance isn't as much about me, at least that is what he is saying. It is about things or a extremely bad relationship he had a few years ago and he doesn't trust women, or as he says, he's paranoid about getting too close.
Now I am not saying my own personal issues with my past, don't effect my own fears when it comes to him, however, I think if it was just our relationship that I was dealing with, well, I guess what I am trying to say is, its not the main thing going on and its basically another thing, if that makes sense.
Yes he does feel I allow my daughter mostly, not much happening in problems, with my son, but my daughter will not listen and stay away from the father of her child and the guy beats her, calls her names, like nothing I have ever heard on a personal level. He's held a gun to her head, took a taser to her and god knows what else that she has not let slip out, that I don't know. She takes that baby around him and he just smacked her in the back of the head on Friday with Harmony in her arms. I am in constant fear of that fatal phone call. It hasn't been that long ago, I received a phone call like that.
Do I have things in my own mind that I need to over come, absolutely. I have a long list of things, but I am still willing, although scared, to not give up trying to have a life, and have a life with, someone I am in love with.
You are right, I do need to stop giving into my own fears and just start dealing with things, one thing at a time. But since my husband died and I know I keep stating that and it probably sounds like a crutch, but since that time, I can't handle stress and problems as I once was able to. I am trying to work on that. I keep thinking its a process and my process isn't complete yet. It helps to have someone to talk to, that isn't involved in my life on a personal bases. Like when I come here.
As I have said before, I am not looking for a pity party, I am looking for answers, to solve what is broken inside of myself, so that I can Deal with what is going on within my life.
Libra, I am glad that you are honest with me and that you ask the hard questions. It helps me to think.
Kay I am glad that I have given you something else to think about and I know I don't know how to keep sugar coating things for people on the different threads. But some people need a jolt sometimes and I don't mean it in a hateful way but kind of a wake up call. If there is a battered woman's center close to you check and see if you can drop in with your daughter and set in on a counseling session so she hears that other woman walked away from the same treatment that she has had, in order to save their lives and to break the chain of abuse. That is free counseling and you might get something out of it yourself. I wouldn't let your daughter know where or why you were going there or she wouldn't be willing to go. You could say your dropping of old clothes and you need some help taking it in. I would hope that some horror stories would be her awakening and do what you haven't been able to get her to look at.
Thats a good idea, about the womens shelter I am going to see my doctor on Thursday.I am hoping to get some good news about my health options. Not just on medical terms, but if there is a way to make payments without it effecting my credit. I have been working so hard to bring my credit score up and clearing my debts. I am hoping to get my tax stuff together by this weekend, so when I get my 1099's I can go a head and see if or how much I can get back from taxes, to make a plan with that in regards to my living situation.
That's another thing, my bf suggested a month ago that it was an option for us to move in together and has sense backed off from that. So I cannot depend on that still being an option at this time. I am trying to focus on what I can do. To try and overcome this overwhelming anxiety and the depression that it is causing.
Maybe, if I can get rid of or get better control of this anxiety, I will be better able to have my mind function in a way that will allow me to focus on what I can do and let go of what I can't do, or control. My BF, my daughter, the foreclosure, I can't control what happens there. I know this, but with the stress of it all on my mind, the anxiety takes over and because I can't get control over it, I slip into depression. Talking to you, has helped me to understand that.
Thank you again.
Kay you sound better today and that's a good thing. Yes if there is something driving me crazy I give it 15 minutes to find a way to fix it and if in that time I can't come up with anything I have to let it go. I learned this oh about 20 yrs. ago because something came up and I was helpless to do anything. That was so hard to deal with and it was the first time that I wasn't able to do anything. I had to let go. It involved my son sitting at a bus station in the middle of the night waiting to be picked up by his dad and dad was no where to be found and no communication to find where he was or could pick up my son who was 14 yrs. old and a short kid who hadn't started growing yet. I was scared to death. It turned out fine without my help but it was a tough lesson and one I will never forget. I couldn't get to him and didn't know how to get there either. Now I have learned to move on to the next problem evaluate it and see if I am able to do anything about it. My life is just as uncertain as the next guys right now but I am ok for the moment. I have times where I loose it cause I don't know what I am going to do either and it only lasts a short time because I know I will be taken care of by the universe an it is waiting for all the puzzle pieces to be there so I can see the big picture. Handle one thing at a time and you will be so surprised how things start to change for you.
They will be selling my house at the sheriffs auction on Tuesday, I just found out by accident on Thursday. I will not have internet for I don't know how long, come the 19 of February. That's when i have to be out of my house.
I will be living in a camper at my neighbors until I can get enough money to rent something, what things I plan to keep, will go in a storage building. I will have to take my dogs to the pound, there are no "No Kill Shelters" near me and I don't know anyone who would take them in for me.
I know Libra I sound negative and I am sorry. But these are the facts of my situation.
I bagged up 10 large bags yesterday of clothes to be taken to charity. I am working on more today. I am trying to get rid of everything I really don't need and pack up what I am keeping and place it in storage. I can get a 11x20 storage unit for 60 a month.
Its winter her in Ohio and we just got over a snow storm. We have at least another month that can progress into bad weather and extreme cold.
At east I will have shelter that is better then a homeless shelter, so I am grateful for that.
Thank you for talking to me and all the advise you have taken the time to give me.
Yes Kay I am aware of your weather I spent a year there before moving back to Calif. in 1969. Well it will get better. If you want it bad enough. I know it looks really dark right now but like I said you have to say constantly this year will be better. But you have to really believe what your saying. I don't hear too many people on here that have given up so we are all going through our own trials and test of faith. My son is homeless and I don't know if he is back out in the hills in his tent in bad weather or staying in his jeep that he can't drive to get work. I am coming up on my last month of temporary disability and I can't help him because I am just making it myself. And don't know what will happen at the end of it but I am trusting that I will be taken care of because it's not what I want that I will receive but what I need that I will get. Then we have hisbablove whose family are standing watch at the hospital everyday waiting for good or bad news about her 17 yr. old cousin who is alive by a thread. But I send you the best of the best wishes and I will be thinking and praying for you to not give up and continue to struggle as we all pray for the people in Haiti also. Make the best of the time you have left in your house I know your going to miss it but you will find something else if you are diligent in your faith. Peace and the very best to you and yours.