Hisbablove --- Thank you.
I just wanted to say thank you for your most recent update......
Without stating the obvious, no, I was not totally honest. I didn't want to state it, but you knew it. You know what position I am in. And why I did not state it in any of my posts.
My fear has nothing to do with the fact of ruining my friendship. My choice is what it is, and you nailed it.
I didn't realize I was setting him up to fail.... thank you for pointing this out. It is not fair and not what I want. It is what it is, and I didn't see myself going in that direction... I'm very glad you stated this. I'm not quite sure why I don't want to take any blame should this not work out. That is something I need to figure out. Sounds easy, but it's more than just because if I can blame him, that will make a broken heart easier to fix. I'm not quite sure I know, other than the fact that sometimes I let my heart be made of steel so that no one can hurt me. Not a good thing....
"I do see more for you, but it isn't anything that is being "screamed out" to tell you. Its more that I see what is WITHIN you that you aren't clarifying here. The truth is being screamed out to more before everything else. But it is not important that you tell ME, as long as you tell YOU." I'm not quite sure what you mean.....
I know exactly why I want this so much. My darn imagination :). I know I am fully capable of giving and receiving love. I want that fairytale romance. I have grown and changed so much over the past 12 years, and I feel like I finally want what I've always wanted deep down. I just want to feel, honestly and lovingly. I want so much the opposite of what I have now. I feel like I've settled but don't know how to get out. But then again, I doubt my feelings. Do I really want out? Everyone tells me that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And I am terrified that I will make the wrong choice for my family. I'm scared that I will realize that I had a good family, a good marriage, and good friends, but that I gave it up. I'm scared that I will hurt forever. I'm sure everyone with choices feels this sometimes. But that is my real fear. What if I give up what I have only to make my life sadder? I don't want that. But I also don't want to be unhappy anymore either. I've always been told that I was selfish. Is it selfish for me to want to make myself happy? But shouldn't I consider the fact that my children may not?
I guess some soul searching is in order here. How do I begin? I sound like a mess right now.. going in both directions at the same time. That's how my mind works. Being an Aquarian is sometimes very difficult to stop my mind running in every which way. I sometimes feel like a clock that always being wound up by hand, but never actually having my hands move. New thoughts and ideas come in before I've had the chance to think about an older one.
Thank you again... and in no way whatsoever were you harsh. I need the black and white. Thank you for your honesty as well.... You have a great gift, and one that is truly remarkably correct. I wish I had it!!
I'm happy to hear from you. I wondered if you ever saw that last reading because your thread had gone haywire and there were so many proclamations and exclamations on it, I was sure you had given up reading it.
I'm so glad you did, though, and thank you very much for the validations. I say it all the time, but the validations are incredibly important to anyone who reads (not those who fake it and can act above being helped by validations.) I really do appreciate it very much.
One thing I have to clarify for you right now, because I am getting the same message I was before about this part, and that's that you know the answer but just will not easily admit or accept it.
" I'm not quite sure why I don't want to take any blame should this not work out. That is something I need to figure out. Sounds easy, but it's more than just because if I can blame him, that will make a broken heart easier to fix"
Its NOT that you can just blame him and mend quicker afterward. It is that you do not now, and want to make sure you ever have to, take the full responsibility for your making the wrong decision, turning your life upside down to be with him and finding it was not what you wanted or expected after all if it does not work out. Then you can say. "well, it wasn't MY fault. I did the best I could and thought I was doing the right for myself and everyone else. I thought I could build a good life with him and be happy and he turned out to be the wrong man. Now, I threw away everything for him. If I had known, I wouldn't have done that." You can tell your kids that later on "I didn't know...." You can tell everyone, including yourself "I thought......but he proved me wrong...."
You are considering doing a very big thing. It makes sense that your biggest fear would be that its a huge mistake, ends in disaster, and not only will many have to pay the price for it, but you will blame yourself, probably more than others will. You are afraid of the guilt and recrimination if this backfires, especially the guilt you will lay on yourself if this turns out to be a mistake.
You said all this yourself (I doubt my feelings. Do I really want out? I am terrified that I will make the wrong choice for my family. I'm scared that I will realize that I had a good family, a good marriage, and good friends, but that I gave it up. I'm scared that I will hurt forever... that is my real fear. What if I give up what I have only to make my life sadder? I don't want that...)without realizing it, in this fear, you are trying to build yourself an emotional insurance policy so you never have to really bear the brunt of the consequences if your fears are realized. You were simply wrong about him. His fault, not yours. He came along when you were struggling emotionally and gave you hope, made everything sound so much easier than it turned out to be, so you took a risk and now your life is "ruined" thanks to him.
Now, look at some of the things you are saying here and ask yourself what part of these statements and needs you so desperately want are you able to say you have actively and FULLY participated in realizing in your own life? In your DAILY, CURRENT life, by the way, not what you were like 12 years or even 5 years ago.
"I want that fairytale romance."
What did/do you do to live that fairytale yourself? Are you the princess in a tower waiting at the window for your prince to come sing you songs of love and sonnets of devotion? Or are you like Cinderella, getting yourself together and heading for the ball, full of excitement, not expecting to be swept away with each minute, but enjoying something as small as a single dance, a few minutes of magic amid the frenzy going on around her?
" I just want to feel, honestly and lovingly."
How much of what you are feeling toward everyone around younis truly honest and loving?
How much is tinged with resentment? Maybe even a little disdain? Have you given what you expect to receive and how long ago did you stop?
" I'm scared that I will realize that I had a good family, a good marriage, and good friends, but that I gave it up."
You need to really think about and look at those statements. If your marriage, etc are really NOT
good, you will never look back and suddenly realize they were. But, your saying that you are afraid you will come to that realization
I have no idea what just happened, but I'll just continue here and figure it out later...
you are afraid you will come to that realization means a part of you still thinks you do have those things now. I can't give you your answers, this is your journey and your destiny. I can only give you the messages that I am given to you and those are ONLY meant to shed light on things for you that you can't or won't see for yourself.
Lastly, there is no point in labeling yourself selfish or anything else. The real point is to look at your behavior patterns and see what they mean, what they say about you and how you handle things in your life.
If you "settled" 12 years ago, then why did you? Were you lacking something, searching for something,or needing something and, instead of finding it in yourself,did you hope to have it come through a relationship? If that is your pattern, then isn't it a possibility that that is EXACTLY what you are doing now? Hoping to find what you need or lack through someone else as opposed to through your own efforts?
What is your pattern toward responsibility, manifesting the life you want, participating in your destiny, even speaking up for the INNER you? Do you just close down, disconnect, and find some other means of fulfillment, focus, or expression until you can't close your eyes to the truth anymore?
Ask yourself these questions without the labels of "selfish" or anything else. You are being led to a better and fuller knowledge of yourself, who you are, what you want, and how your choices have been made and effect you now. This is to help you put and end to the hapless wandering you have done for so long and put you in charge of your life.
I can't give you the answers, only prod you to them, if you want to receive and accept the messages. No matter what I already know, my telling you the answers is futile, much as I sometimes want to. You have to get there on your own.
Thank you for the lovely words of encouragement to me. It really does mean a lot. I hope you realize that this "great gift" is not mine at all, it YOURS and anyone else's that is meant to receive the guidance that God, the angels, the universe...whatever you believe in, wants them to receive and that's because you are important, loved, and being given a gift to help you.
Blessings and Light
You are amazing! I know that you came into my life, not by chance, but for reason.
As I was reading your responses, I said, "I knew that!!" For again, you were right. I did know everything that you said. I knew it, but did not want to see it. You were here to show it to me, in writing, so that I can begin. It was such a weird feeling to know what you were saying. Why do we try so hard sometimes to be someone we aren't?
I know why I have always 'looked for love'.. How can I expect someone else to love me when I don't. Again, I've known this all along, but when you posted, "If you "settled" 12 years ago, then why did you? Were you lacking something, searching for something,or needing something and, instead of finding it in yourself,did you hope to have it come through a relationship? If that is your pattern, then isn't it a possibility that that is EXACTLY what you are doing now? Hoping to find what you need or lack through someone else as opposed to through your own efforts? " Yes, yes and again, yes. I will say however, that the drug and alcohol use that I did for a long period of my life, has clouded my judgement. I didn't settle 12 years ago, I settled 17 years ago by marrying. I thought I loved him, and very much could have, but was clouded. But changed my life 12 years ago by giving up those bad habits and giving birth to my first child.
Why do some of us have this sort of hatred for ourselves? Some more than others.. I've always felt that I deserve some sort of pain, but not sure why. I had a wonderful childhood, but it was also filled with perfection. I was always happy, but also, made to be perfect. I guess that's where my lack of self love stems from. Hmmm.... more thoughts to ponder on.
I am very thankful for the gift that you gave to me. And I love it that it connects me to God. I only wish that I could open up and receive it from him instead of always looking for signs!!!
I'm going to take things day by day. I need to connect with myself first. I think I'll try working on making myself a happier and healthier person. Thank you so much for giving me the messages. I am looking forward to seeing what happens along my journey.
I want you to know that I will be back and will give you whatever I get for you and ALL that it is in my power to give and do, I will. It may be a day or so, but I've saved this thread will not forget or abandon you.
God IS with you, in fact, GOD IS WITHIN YOU. You don't need signs or readings or anything to find the SPIRIT THAT IS GOD inside you. You just haven't heard it the way you can yet:) You are not, never have been, and never will be alone. Yes, I was drawn to your post for a reason and we ARE doing this work for your future benefit, but more so you grow and your purpose, the fulfillment of your soul can happen.
Trust that you have begun a marvelous journey and were led to it because it was both your destiny and YOUR CHOICE. You realized somehow, subconsciously, that you were ready to ask and find your real answers and your higher purpose. I'm just a guidepost along the way. We will get you going on this journey and you will NEVER be alone. That I can and DO promise you.
HAPPY, BLESSED, AND JOYOUS NEW YEAR:)
I've been checking back to see if you've popped back in:) Just know you aren't forgotten and I'm still here. I feel like you are exploring things in you, like things are opening up, which makes me very glad for you.
Blessings and Light
Thank you again!!
I seem to have "ideas" and will start to move, but something keeps holding me back. I'm just not sure what I am so afraid of. But it's almost like I'm so tired of this....
I appreciate your help, and thank you for checking in on me. I'm kinda at a standstill right now, but have some really tough changes coming very soon. I can only hope that I can stay focused, as this is a competition that I entered. I know I have the strength to conquer, but sometimes I go full force and then burn!!
Anyhow, thank you again!!!
Your very welcome! If there is anything I can do or you have any questions, please let me know. I'm always here to help you if I can or you want me to,
Blessings and Light