All I do is cause pain.

  • Thanks LSM, Actually I do look that way. Thanks libra! Ive been told this alot. 🙂

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  • No worrys! yall have helped me tremendously! thank you fr the love and support! If yall need anything please dont hesitate to ask!

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  • And again thank you all for everything :), peace health and love to all.

  • Hi serious, just wanted to reach out to you. I feel much the same way as you have described, having learned to live without needing trust only trying to avoid mistrust, accepting that my aloneness is sometimes lonely...I am also back living with my family sometimes caught in a horrible struggle between caretaking healing responsability for and to my mother.....and have others actively working against me in our home....also am very affected by negative energy like a magnet! (lol, I never considered it empathy cause I only absorb the bad and the weird, not the fun or good!)yikes huh? family dynamics just dont take a break. I wish you strength in not shutting down and facing what you have to face until you get to the other side of healing and disappointment.

  • wow where was i when this all happened??? lol i think i could have helped since i have experienced alot of trauma in my life and was very depressed most of my life, and have felt the the way you have, im a sensitive guy and im in touch with my femine side also lol, but thats not a sign of weakness or anything, i think it actually is better cause we understand women better than the normal jacka-ss guys out there, but damn it sucks i missed this good topic lol, if you need a fellow guy that is easy to talk too and doesnt judge, and i also have gemini as my rising sign, and probably think like you also, i also come from a very negative house and have to deal with alot still, and its not easy and you feel like you just cant win no matter what you do. email me anytime. take care of yourself

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  • Im very appreciative twords all of your kind words here. They mean alot to me and give me hope as well. I feel that no matter the past has held I shall always love my family. For my age and all I have already gone through my family still lends me a big hand. I may not be as picture perfect in thier eyes or shown so much gratitude action wise myself, but I still know the love is there. The fear itself is what is blinding and all the ferocity in the world effects me so as well. I do seem to pick on the negative vibes from alot of people, but also i think this may be a apart of my life to help people change that as well. Saco I appreciate it emensly on your tory of courage you have shared with me. It is definatly not easy in life, but no matter what horrible things cross my life I still feel the need to keep moving forward. I never really get all the confirmation i need but I also need to learn to get from within and above. And always remember god ALWAYS answers prayers. ALWAYS. Its hard because of my whole life Ive felt selfish and almost good for nothing. I always redicule my life and dicisions. I never give myself a break. In your situation sacogrl I admire you, it is almost the same as what I went through with my own mother. Then I got blamed for the emotional strain on her life. Then cast out of everyones life. I know why this happend but I would never really except why she did this to us. It wasnt only myself, but my other siblings as well. Everywhere I went I always looked for love anywhere I could find it. In your sons situation he may see it from a whole other perspective than your own, but I can feel that you love him and the fact that your letting happen WILL only strengthen you. Your the only mother he will ever had. I felt at one point that both my parents never deserved me, but at this point in my life. I also feel the help i am recieving is only from my own mothers guilty consciense. It sucks, but still I do have help. At the same time it also feels like any pain I caused towards her she never seems to let go. I as well went through so much depression and pity partied my life. Im tired of feeling sorry for myself. Its just in life it will never be enough and at thi moment in time its not the solution to just cut ties. Ive been cut before and now i still am from seperate parts of my family. In the past when I moved away I felt as if it was better for everyone. Then I longed for everyone I left behind, moved back and it was the most crazy, terrible, and bet thing Ive ever done. I have face my mistakes head on in order to move on with my life. Its definatly not easy especially the very bizzare and EXtravagant path I am leading atm. I feel my purpose on this earth is far beyond anyones imagination, which is hard to swallow. The emotions always change tides, as well as feeling as everyone is waiting for me to screww up again and throw mw to the curb. But in this fact I have seen far to many miracles to let go just yet. I am still a child, as most say but yet legally I am an adult. So at this point in life Its time to build up as much as I can and rebuild as many bridges as I can. SO I just have to say thank you again for sharing your strength, your hurt, and your hope.

    With light & Love and god leading the way


  • And P.S. the bandwagon is still moving on :).

  • Dear Serious7, I am also a gemini and feel the same way. Have for about a year. Is it something in our charts that we have to go through? I feel like I'm ready for death also. It's been so hard to smile and act like I'm happy like people think we should be when I just want to crawl under the covers and wither away. I've lost my self confidencce completely and feel that the world and friends have forsaken me. I hate myself lately. No make up, gained weight and just want to sleep my life away. My parents are gone and I miss them so much. So glad they're not here to see me like this. Nothing has any meaning to me, and I feel all those around me would be better off with me gone. What happened to the fun loving me I used to be? The one people admired and looked up too. Now I'm nothing but a heap of cow pile. Can't even get out of bed somedays.........which isn't too good for work. Sorry your sad too! Just wondered if it's something in our chart that we have to work throght?

  • Well cautious,

    What Ive understood especially about signs latley is the universe is going through so many DRASTIC changes. Some people just dont realize how much this effects the planets, thus the human race as well. WE ARE APART OF the Earth. Were not only its inhabitants but also its life. Everything of everything is effected. I still am in the the shadow that you describe, BUT with hope im learning to overcome it daily. Some people say that fighting only causes more pain and problems, but in my interpretation it means more than that. It means to become the person you know you are in your heart. When you look in the mirror look into your eyes, you can still feel and see apart of you there. I know because I always avoided my sight for months! But then I started seeing the world again. We gemini ARE VERY SELF CONCIOUS! everyone is, but we anyalize, debate with our internal selves, as well as contridict our life values. We live in the moment and usually are able to forget the yesterday. Going into this new era I believe things are all swapping around. Its very intense, very scary and also to me intrigueing. You have a very GREAT heart cautious.(for some reason I want to call you sophie). See if your like me you used to write alot! Talk alot, and as well never really hold back your thoughts. Even the dark ones, and in your eyes you see through other peoples prospectives of your change. At first they understood but then it became too much for them. People are always selfish. Most of the time if there is to much to deal with they would rather not deal. As a gemini we dont have that luxery. So much emotion mentally and physically is involved. Your parents are always with you cautcious ALWAYS. Im sure you already talk to them, but you doubt. Dont! Is there some nights when your sleeping or about to sleep when you feel someone tucking you in? Or nights when your hair is brushed out of your face? You know who that is. There is alot going through my head atm but Im still trying to grab hold of my own as well. You definatly have the strength, and the heart. Remeber thae times in your life when you were down for the count but for some reason you just jumped back up and finished out? Remember those times yo. Always remember who you are. The paranoia is apart of all this as well.

    Especially when all you have is your own self doubting sad thoughts. But its apart of the healing process trust me. Hell isnt a pleasent place, but heaven is even more wonderous than we can even imagine. The negaitive thoughts in your mind are often just you, and sometimes you are right. Just NEVER EVER GO against your gut. Thats is about 99.89% right. So I send you my love, gods healing and as many angels as I can. Hang in there cautious! Just like that little cat in the poster back in school!

    With love and light and god on your side!


  • Hello again, Serious7 🙂

    I'm glad that you found some value to my post and that it was something you could identify with. Well, actually, scratch I wish you didn't know what I was talking about or experiencing at all, because that would mean you weren't going through such a difficult time!

    In the part of your reply where you mentioned that it felt as though everyone was just waiting for you to make another mistake, I thought you may just as well have been speaking for me! I too feel the exact same way. I feel like I'm under a microscope and everyone is just waiting for me to mess up so they can all justify their feelings by saying, "see..told you so. We knew that nothing's really changed with you!" The fact that the people who claim to love me the most lack any faith in me, and are even just waiting for me to fall on my face is so incredibly painful. To me, this is just an additional betrayal that just tops the more outright ways in which I've been betrayed by them.

    Hi Cautious! You also said something that resonated so deeply with me, and that was the way you feel about your "old self" and where that "self" has disappeared to. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have heard this same sentiment from my family and some former friends. They say, " I miss the "OLD" Kirste, and we want her back!" Then I ask myself what fairy tale are they living because, according to my beliefs, EVERYONE changes to some degree, over time, due experience, circumstance and environmental factors. Unfortunately, as it is my belief, some people who have experienced some very traumatic events change a little more significantly or noticeably than others. The bottom line though, is that it IS an individual thing as we are all different and we all change or even evolve at an individual pace. To be fair, I will say, that there is a part of me that understands what they are saying, as I may not be as happy go lucky as I was before, or as innocent, or trusting, or as optimistic, but on the other hand, maybe I don't WANT to be the SAME person that they perceive as having changed. Maybe I wasn't truly happy with myself back then anyway? And why do I feel (did I feel) guilty and undeserving of so many things just because I didn't live up to their standards or expectations? Who are they to decide for me, who I am supposed to be, anyway? The most ironic part, is that while I may not be "the same" as before, I see myself as BETTER than before and growing in so many different ways, while they remain stagnant and inert.

    I have to believe that with all the very hard work I AM doing and have been doing over the last couple of years, that I will eventually outgrow them, and they will one day realize that because we are a family, we all contributed to certain situations or outcomes that they primarily blame me for. At a minimum, I hope they will at least see that I alone did not cause the rift between us, but that in the end, I was the only one who began a journey of self discovery and growth with the intent and hopes of becoming a better human being, while they have decided that they, as they are, are good enough already and are content to settle with themselves the way they are. It boggles my mind really.

    Ultimately, I have no doubt that in the end, my decision to isolate myself from my family, is the best thing I can do for me to persevere and continue successfully on my path. If I didn't make this choice I would be endangering my progress and my potential to reach my goals. How could I make progress if I allowed them to keep knocking me down, day after day? Eventually I would simply fail to get back up and they will have succeeded in keeping me in my place.

    That's another thing (just had another No matter what they say about wanting the "old" me to return, I honestly don't believe that to be true. I think they are so used to viewing me in a certain way, that they'd rather keep me in that place because that's what's comfortable for them. They wouldn't know what to do with the person I am becoming today, as it would skew the whole family dynamic, and they simply wouldn't know how to respond to me then. In addition, it would mean that they would have to face THEIR own contribution to the contamination of the relationships which would be quite a rude awakening for them, as they would have to face themselves instead of having me to point the finger at all the time.

    Serious7, I want you to know that as much as I may have been helpful to you, YOU and the many others here, who have shared the fact that they are experiencing similar situations, have been equally helpful to me, as I no longer feel like I am the ONLY one who is facing such a painful, complicated, and confusing time in life. It has also been very therapeutic to write about and share what I am going through with others who can relate to me and understand where I'm coming from, as well as validate my feelings. It also makes me happy to know that I have been able to give of myself to others, in their time of need.

    Wishing all my best and blessings galore to everyone who has participated in this thread! I hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend and do something special for yourself!

  • Kirste, (if you dont mind me calling you that) 🙂

    I can undoubtfully say I understand and can relate to almost everyting you've just said. To me I believe it also is an insecurity within others to see someone they used to either look up to, or love an a manner they thought would never change. I am no perfect person by any means and did cause alot of grief in others life, but as you say it wasn't always my fault. Is just so hard seeing someone you care plummet to a degree they believe they cant respect. In my family alot of people get out there frustrations by talking behind others backs. Horrible habit, but for them it relieves anger and stress. As well I think it keeps there oen problems at bay as well. Ive hit rock bottom and then some, but as you described they expected it. I didnt really even have much of a chance when I came back into the family when i was around 15. Crazy time in my life, identity crisis, drugs, alchohol, and always a hassle for people around me. Those days have never really changed in thier eyes. Even all Ive been through, what Ive seen, felt, accomplished, and conquered. It still wasnt enough. And without that pat on the back I just felt like it never mattered. All I heard was well you should have done that a while ago. Or things were done for me not because they were family but because they felt bad. So in a way I havnt let them change either. Its not easy and is a two way street. I believe its all within the prospective and the standards they set for others but cannot reach for themselves. So no matter what I will always love my family and be there as i can. I appreciate everything you shared as well kirste. It is very theraputic to write especially for me. At my age all I should be really focused on is school, but then again Ive never felt my age. Like I said above I keep ahold of my happy thoughts to weather the storm of chaos everyday. Again thank you so much to everyone for your kind thoughts and energy. It has helped me tremendously and is still working through gods love every day. No matter what you believe, or no matter what you think. Love is the ultimate power as well as keeping the happiness in your heart.

    With Gods love, Hope, and prayer


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