I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

  • Barbralee,

    After reading your postings, first I have to say my heart goes out to you. Not in a sympathy, but in empathy. I have endured many tragedies, holding on to two philosophies that keeps me going. First, you have to scrape the bottom of the barrel of life before things turn around and I think you have reached that point, so good things should be coming for you and second there is always something good in every bad situation and again, I see the good out of your situation…you are a strong woman to have made it this far in life.

    In one of your postings, you implied that you felt like a failure. I would like to share something with you, and hopefully this will change your mind. If you stop and think of the following checklist, you will realize you have done this at least in some point of your life, maybe not at the present, but during your life you have.

     To laugh often.

     To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children.

     To earn the approbation of honest critics.

     Endure the betrayal of false friends.

     To appreciate the beauty of things.

     To find the best in others.

     To give of one's self.

     To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.

     To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation.

     To know even one single life has breathed easier because you have lived.

    By achieving this checklist, that is what it is to be successful in life.

  • barbralee what goes down must come up and you will rise up and you will soar like an eagle, you will get thru this you really will. reading your post, you have endured but you dont need to endure anymore, cast aside the past, and look forward to a brand new future and a brand new you, in time you will start to see the changes in yourself and you will put you first now, i felt for you and had a tear come to my eyes when reading your story, you will be able to assist another person one day when this is all over and you find your strength again, do nice things for yourself, contiue lighting your candle when it burns out, do something, have something nice to eat, go for a nice walk, clear your head, drink lots of good water eat nice fruit and veges and nourish yourself, take care of you, you absorb other peoples energy, that is their problem i know it hurts and being alone is scarey at times, those times when you are alone try to use them to your best advantage, rest right down your greiviences and burn them, take a long hot relaxing bath, go for walks, nature you, its time for you now its your time, and even though you feel that no shift maybe taking place underneath it all there is, one step at a time, you learn to get up, you learn to balance and then you start to walk and empower yourself, you are strong, its just that its overwhelmed you and you really require support, rest , care and understanding, you have come to the right place as there are some really lovely people here who do care, peace be with you and god has not forgotten you he is carrying you, love and lightxxxx,

  • Hi there Barbralee, I think you've gotten some great advice here and I feel that many are in the same spot as you, it's been a very hard year and trust me, I've had my moments where I'm just ready to go to the afterlife.

    I have also had my share of heartaches from having older, old country parents that will never accept me for who I am, never can do anything right, to being molested at a very young age to being in one abusive relationship after another, not always leaving those visible marks, but still, leaving some very deep scars, losing my husband of 12yrs to a very slow death 7 years ago, having miscarried and seeing so many of my close friends and relationship go before me and I'm only 44. This is how life works, we all have our lessons to go through, if we didn't have the pain, how can we appreciate the Love & beauty in life? . I know your thinking that where has your beauty been but if you really look, you will find it, "if that which thou seekest

    thee findest not within thee,thou wilt never find it without thee" Charge of the Goddess by Doreen Valiente. It come from our spiritual connection, we are never alone.

    The main thing to remember is that we have to be broken before we can be fixed and that we're spiritual creatures having a human experience, not the other way around, I had a good friend remind me of that here recently. 😉

    The one thing we all have is the choice to be happy, to find our blessings in each & everyday, I know that the stars have really been giving us havoc the past year, but we still can choose how we are going to allow it to effect us, and really, that's all we have in this life, do you want to be a victim or a survivor? your choice 😉 put on your rose colored glasses until you can see it without them..

    Bright Blessings in Love & Light

  • Dear Barbralee,

    Your post broke my heart. Please know that you are not alone and there is so much you can do to lift yourself up - no matter how difficult or impossible it may seem to be right now. Every single person who has posted in support of you and what you've experienced has had her own passel of %# to go through and has also posted here for support. (Including me)

    You've been given some extremely good advice from women who have walked on your path and miraculously found hope and a way to help themselves. And I thoroughly agree with those who've noted your accomplishments in life - you are incredibly strong to have been the rock in so many lives - whether you were appreciated or respected takes nothing away from you, your accomplishments or the value of your life.

    I also understand that you feel you've reached the end of the line with no prospects in sight. I'm 52, I'm also an artist and have worked as a florist - and I know the prejudice you are facing in the job market - and from younger co-workers! It's bad enough to be devalued by your family, yet to feel that same disrespect at almost every turn is unbearable and takes a terrible toll on you.

    But please, hold your head up - things may seem impossible at this moment - but things change. And not always for the worst. When you can let your guard down, decide you are a good and decent person who deserves a better life, and hope will start seeping in. Let go of your despair and don't take any set back as something you deserve. Letting go of the victim mentality will help you more than anything else you can do. Find ways to help yourself - and while you're doing this remind yourself of the positive steps you are taking instead of the negative things that are happening.

    I know there is more you need than platitudes and talk about positive energy. But these things really will help you to get up and start moving in the right direction. It has worked for each and every one of us, it will work for you too!

    There is so much love and light and hope coming your way and it is well deserved.

    Blessings and light : )

  • Hi,

    I am sorry that I haven't responded to all of the kind and loving sentiments sent to me. I was away for a few days. I read the last responses last night after having had one of the worst days ever. I cried so hard, I could barely read the caring words of so many of you. I didn't think I would make it yesterday. Some issues came up with my boyfriend, but we resolved them today, so I am picking myself up and dusting myself off.

    I really do try to make the best of things. I have always smiled at strangers, no matter how unhappy I was. I try to laugh at myself, and find the humor in a bad situation. I do believe we are in this life to learn some lessons, and I have found that when you don't get something, it keeps coming back at you until you finally realize you have to deal with it, not stuff it inside and ignore. That is when things get worse.

    It's just that bad things keep happening. I know life isn't easy, but I have had to deal with so much. I do know that to some people, they would say the cross I have carried is a small one. I know that to be true, but still, I have had a lot of bad crap happen in my life. The few people that know my full life history say I should write a book, but I don't know that people would believe it as truth.

    Anyway, I hope that I can someday be the person giving the kind and loving words and advice that I have thus far received.

    Thank you again...I love you

  • Glad you checked in. We were starting to worry!

    Hope every day gets better! : )

  • I sent an email to my son who cut me out of his life. He responded, not in a kind way.

    I really don't want to be here anymore. I sincerely wish God would just take me so that no one has to suffer guilt

  • Barbralee, maybe part of your journey is to write here what you are going through and there for be able to help so many who were not able to put into words some of their pain, that they can relate to from your experiences. You may have shown many people that we all really do care about eachother, and our emotions and other ways of communicating is vital for all of our stages of maintaining some kind of pure healthy healing enlightening balance in our every day bubbles. Lola and I feel the light in you growing strong. Don't give up on yourself or another or consider the situation or the person hopeless, your lack of faith in yourself or your higher power is hindering your ability to see what you really want.Come to terms with what is, but turn away from negative thinking patterns or habits and look for alternatives. You will have to take an objective look at yourself, your situation, or others. There are positive vibrations on the way and other recourses will become apparent. You have the power, you may not know or recognize the angel that you are yet fully, you can be one of the sisters that we will all need in the very near future, things are changing quickly so please be there for us all, Lola, and take a break to heal when you need to. Angels under your pillow.

  • Barbralee what you need will come to you, and you will be provided for, your success will come through exercising your personal integrity, having the courage to ask for what you want, and receiving a positive response or go ahead in reply to a business query or financial matter. I am using an example of how I manage to get through my days since I think emotionally. I find that using these concepts, I can detatch and think about putting one foot in front of the other some days just to get over the humps that come along. Have a wonderfully sensual day and have some ice cream, xo.

  • Barbralee, I agree with luv2laf that you have so much more to offer, and that your path goes on from here!

    I think we all understand the feeling of wanting it (life, a certain situation, whatever) to just be over with because we're too tired to go on and we feel we have nothing more to give. But truly, every time you're able to pick yourself up and take one more step, you are able to defeat that which wants to defeat you.

    Letting go of painful family relationships that we expect to be infused with unlimited amounts of forgiveness and of unconditional love is one of the most wrenching and heartbreaking things we do in life. But sometimes we need to do that to save ourselves. That doesn't mean you stop loving your son, but letting go with grace (not anger, not guilt) - knowing that he isn't in a place of understanding and forgiveness can be the best gift you can give yourself and him. It is also a wonderful example of unconditional love in action - and one that he may understand better in the future as he grows older and experiences some of this himself. In this way, you have left the door open for him, but respect his current feelings of wanting to be left alone.

    I pray that you can find the strength you need to come through this in a loving way. Know that you always have a place to vent or receive support here.

    Blessings and light

  • Hi Barbralee, I am wondering how you are feeling today, not to impose, just that I care. Even one word would be enough if you need time away from the forum. Lola to you and yours.

  • Thank you for your care and concern. I haven't been feeling very well. I know that some of it is probably stress. I can't sleep, and I feel terrible.

    I am trying very hard to hang in there. It's just so hard.

    It's so hard when the people you would give your life for, turn their backs on you when you are most in need.

    I think I have a long way to go before I will see the light.

  • Barbralee, I have many of the same fears and conditions that you are experiencing, I know that you need more than words from stangers and tidbits of consoling at this precious time, but if you don't mind I would like to share with you some magical words which have helped me over the years immensly, and they are the lost angelic language, the theory is that there are neophite spirits that need to earn the right to be on this plane, if you ask them with these words it is like giving them their wings so to speak. So if you feel comfortable, and I was a little nervous at first with my religeous background I have developed a faith that I know works for the good of all and has never ever been negative. Lola means Love...Breemar for health...Shoras for romance...Trinka 5 for money... Hinch to make time stand still... Swa-sawasoon to relax...Swasoon to relieve pain... Orr- Con-Dorr for making an enemy into a friend...Tavano for winning at games of chance...Lin-Rama for looking younger and to regenerate the cells in your whole body...I will send more if you are interested. This is powerful information and it may take awhile before you realize this, always pray with these words if you like, but make sure you add, and it harm none. Lola, and your life will take a turn on the wheel for the happiest times to come,I promise this my friend! Don't be pulled under, that is giving satisfaction to the dark side, FIGHT! For your right, and you will be stronger than you ever imagined, and I again like so many of us have had to do alone, until now. xoooooooxooooooo Lola.

  • I know that we can all share, its hard to find relief when you are feeling boxed in, or concerned about a response that may be detrimental at this time.I am not in any way talking about the other posts, we are all healing, loving souls. We all have some thing to share and give, as always, my respect for the proccess, God only knows the rocks that I have turned over! Lola to you all!

  • And Lola to you, luv2laf!

  • Thank you emereaux. I needed that too tonight.

  • Hi, I guess I am not thinking straight, but now I think I get it. Your name isn't Lola,

    what you were saying is Lola means love, exactly as stated. Am I correct?

    So do I just pray with those words. And yes, please send me more.

    I have fought depression for so many years, I am still fighting. The nights are by far the hardest.

    I appreciate everything everyone has offered.

    I know I have had two instances of guardian angels in my life. And I had a ghost in my apartment. I also believe I have lived other lives, and that I am an old soul. I new that even as a you child.

    So please, keep praying for me that I can survive this. Things have never seemed so dark, and bleak.

  • Hi Barbralee, I hope you are feeling hope today, I have some words to share, but please understand that I may sound uncaring, it is the complete opposite. There are answers available, and the key to solving problems is to stop thinking about them....Problems exist only as long as you think about them. Keep your attention on the now and act as if it were the first and last moment you will ever have on earth. As Don Juan once said,"There is no guarantee that you are going to live a single moment longer." Lola. I will send more magic words for you to pray with soon.

  • How do you stop thinking about them, when there are no jobs available that i qualify for, and I don't make enough unemployment to cover the bills? I want to work, but I am a "Jack of all Trades, master of none.

    I have to think ahead.

    I have a lot of talent, but I don't know how to apply them to any one job. Plus I have lost so much self esteem during these times.

  • I know what you mean, this last post was just to help in the most helpless of moments. I am going through simular things with the job market. I wish that I had the answers. I have just gone back to work after 10 years, have you considered home care for children, either foster care in your home or taking in a few children daily?

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