Have I lost my Cancer man for good?
I posted in another thread our background - I'm a Sag. Met online 2 mos ago- have yet to meet in person. Was planned for Jan. We live in 2 diff states but only about 100 miles from each other. It's the first time I've ever been in an online relationship - and my first relationship with a cancer. Long marriage to a Taurus (which ended earlier this year), and a brief relationship with a Libra this summer.
I was used to a "love" where I gave all. I wasn't doted on - the furthest thing from it. I had to fend for myself often as he's in the military. And he just didn't consider it a priority to show me how special I was. He gave everything to his career and was lazy in our marriage.So for the entire 18 yrs together, I convinced myself that the little things (and showing signs of love) didn't matter. Obviously you can see I did this for self-preservation. I walled off my heart so as not to face the disappointment when I was forgotten. I am a good person and I knew I deserved more, but my vows were everything and instead of forcing the issue back then (after all who wants to constantly remind someone that they should do nice things for the one they love) I just accepted it and I guess it hardened me in a way.
Fast forward to my new Cancer man. He is absolutely the most wonderful, kind-hearted, sweet man I've ever met. He was the first to say "I love you" and showed it in action & word. My birthday was last weekend. We didn't have plans to celebrate it but he did tell me wks before he missed it for 37 yrs (a joke because of course I didn't know him) but he wouldn't miss this one.
Well I didn't do my research on cancer men...and I'm paying for it dearly now. If I did, I would have seen that he had already chosen me - and already had me up on the pedestal. He would say things, like " I have his heart, mind, body & soul forever". I would've seen the disappearing wasn't him going away - it was him going stealth and planning things for me. In a sag flash temper moment, when I thought he had forgotten about me last wkend and went out of town to celebrate an early christmas with his parents (which I later learned was because of me), I said something to the effect in a text that "his drive by messages weren't love". Words which were a mistake - I know he loves me. But words I can't undo.
He wouldn't take my calls or respond to my email until a few days ago where he let me have it in an email. It was an extremely hurtful message basically accusing me of being heartless and not who he thought I was. It was overly dramatic and calling me heartless was uncalled for. My text was and I have taken full responsibility for that. But I am not. I give everything I have to others - he knows this. I dedicate my life in volunteer service to the military. He's very insecure and while we were together I tried my best to make him feel good about himself, take an interest in his passions etc. He's now turned it around after the fact and won't believe any of what I did was genuine. Which if he knew me, a sag, I mean what I say and say what I mean. If I took an interest in things - I was interested. I don't waste my time or energy on things that don't matter. He can't believe I found him attractive - which again I did but can't convince him of it (he constantly made comments that I was out of his league).
I can see through the dramatic tone of the email to see the deep hurt I caused. He says his heart can't be repaired because I've killed it. His usual repair techniques won't work this time. He says he waited 10 yrs to give his heart away and I'm the one who will make him lock it away from any other woman now for good.I'm frustrated because I feel like he made me fall for him and then just turned me out without a real chance at it. I didn't know I had to be perfect. Online isn't real. And without a face-to-face meeting I feel he gave up on us way too soon. I do understand how committed he was. He set the bar high for himself and I know this from things he said and for times when he thought he disappointed me. But I think he set it so high for me that I wasn't ever going to have success. After one mistake, how do you throw someone out - the same someone you professed to love so much? My logical mind can't understand this - but my heart is hurting. He doesn't believe I have a heart - but I do and it's in pieces.
There was so much I still needed to reveal to him and he knew it - about my marriage and he said he was willing to wait until I told him in person. But now he's judged me on just a part of who I am.
He wished me good luck in whatever I did and said what once was - was dead. I killed it. He never uttered the words good bye so I'm just so confused. Can I get a chance to right my wrong? To show him who I am away from the online world?
He has almost no relationship with both parents who blame him for their having to get married so many years ago. He told them about me last weekend and took the usual verbal abuse from them over meeting a girl online. I want to show him everyone doesn't leave like he thinks they do eventually. I don't want to walk away giving up making his self-fulfilled propehecy come true once again.
HELP PLEASE! How do I respond to his email letting him know I love him but my past clouded the way I recognize love? He took everything as a frontal assault on him. It wasn't all about him. There are two of us. I know I made him happy. People at work asked him why he's been smiling for the past 2 months like they've never seen him do. Will he come out of his shell or have I driven him in there for good? Any advice is very much appreciated. I want to respond because I believe he wants me to or else he could have just disappeared without a word.
Hi . If you pop over to my thread " Have i lost my cancer b/f for good " You will get a lot of good advice and comments on there. It has helped me tremendously , and the people are great . I know exactly what you are going through believe me . Hope to see you there soon . llindieloo.
I'm sorry to say it, but I don't believe that you are in love with this man. I believe that you THINK you are, but I feel that you were so emotionally starved for affection due to your last relationship, that you, very quickly were swept away by this man, even online....when he showered you with attention and love.
I believe you probably had a great connection, but really when you haven't even met face to face and already experiencing this, then that is a very strong sign.
I can relate to this because I have has similar experiences after my ex of 13 years broke off. It was a bad relationship, and I was hungry...hungry for love and things I felt I deserved. I felt I was in love with two men..(not at the same time).....one I knew previously...and one I met online. I felt the same strong connection to both. I met the online man once....i was practically obsessed with this man for a short time. I mean, he was very goodlookiing and charming. he would leave me messages saying.."you are my sunshine, my only sunshine"....things like that.
But he slowly stopped calling and started seeing someone else, when I wasn't ready. I was obsessed for a short while, but just as quickly as it came, it left. I know it wasn't love becaue the real love I have had in my life was so much stronger.
My advice to you is really think this over. Look for anything that you are blinded to right now, things you have overlooked because of your blindness and needs. Figure out the different between your wants and your needs. I hope this helps.
saginluvwithacancer>>Online isn't real. And without a face-to-face meeting I feel he gave up on us way too soon
Sandran712>>He is trying to control you.All the guilt trips of saying you're the reason he doesn't want to try with someone else is such bullshittt..Cancers are very resilient.Yes we get hurt feelings.But, we come out of it pretty quick.He needed the backstab you gave him.and when a Cancer gets attacked we attack back.
Here's the kicker..."I do understand how committed he was"
Sandran712>>He lives 100 miles away.That is only a 2 hour difference.This guy is not going to meet you in a face to face contact.Cancers will not go that far from home.And this guy being the smart azz with you as he was even makes it more official.I cannot stress enough.Unless you were from a past relationship /history of any kind like a classmate in school /friends from childhood etc would a Cancer make an effort to meet online and meet in person.Cancers need the physical in your face contact.As we feel out a person.Talking doesn't do it.
First of all, to each of you ...thank you for responding. I'm a sponge and willing to soak up all input as I replay these events in my mind and decide what to do next - if anything. You have already given me so much to consider that I hadn't thought through.
So allow me offer a few more details and see if it changes your initial reaction to the him/situation:
Distance: Wasn't an issue for him.Actually, I've been the one who was calling it far - for which he'd counter "100 miles isn't far" with almost a dismissive tone. Our first face to face meeting in two weeks was scheduled for about 15 minutes from his house. It's a place I suggested about a month ago. It's one I'd been to before that I had planned to go back to for the weekend and had invited him to join me for dinner while I was there. We were both excited for the meeting - he had a countdown going for it and reminded me of the number of days all the time. So would he go through all that trouble if he never intended to meet me? Maybe he would but seems like he was planning on it. That's why I haven't replied yet to his email. I think you hit it with him having to sting back. I don't want to say anything I'll regret and maybe he means what he said, but if he did, it would leave me questioning...why would you have spent one moment with me if I'm as horrible as you say I am. It was dramatic & extreme. I'm trying to see through the fire at what might still be there.
I'm not a huge phone talker, but even I didn't think we talked enough. So actually I was the one verbalizing the communication issues. Not in an accusatory fashion - but just that I suggested talking more as I worried that we'd have an "in writing" disaster...and of course we did through texting.
Here's where I failed because I didn't do my homework on cancer behaviors. He went stealth those few days leading up to my birthday. I took that to mean ignoring. But now, after the fact, I find out he had been putting a big plan together for my birthday. That which he finally laid out for me in the last email. He has contacted his parents to move their Christmas celebration (which I didn't know but was set for Sunday - my Birthday). He asked them to move it to Saturday and took a lot of heat for that request. He had a face to face surprise planned for my Birthday - the place lined up and everything. It was a halfway point for us. So even he knew January was a long time out and wanted us to meet sooner. That's why I feel so awful. He told me he wouldn't miss my Birthday and I hadn't surrendered my heart to the situation like I should have and trusted him to do his thing this wouldn't have happened.
But I'm not a doormat by any means so I'm not taking on all the fault here - I was very clear in my apology email that he owns a share in this miscommunication. Had he shared the smallest detail with me like "don't make plans I have something in the works"...I wouldn't have gone off the deep end thinking I was forgotten. So I'm not going to take all responsibility for our communication failures- I own my portion of it.
I understand completely your point about the desire to stay close to home as I can see he's a homebody and I agree with your comments about people from the past and that they carry a different weight in their mind. He carries a lot of guilt from his last romantic relationship which ended 6 yrs ago when his fiance was killed by a drunk driver. He should have been with her that night and blames himself for her death still. He had a very painful divorce prior to her where his wife basically pushed him out after something traumatic happened to her. So neither of them would be entering the picture and he went above and beyond to let me know I was the "one".
Sandran: After my Birthday plan which was face to face of his own planning, do you still think he wasn't serious about meeting? Seems like he was trying hard to surprise me- because he knows no one has every done that for me. I can't agree more with the face contact. I'm wondering if he hadn't realized this which was the reason for planning the birthday meeting sooner than we had planned? Maybe not. I just know I heard over and over how he went to the mat with his parents over me and so yes...the guilt is way over the top and bs just like you said.
Stephanie: Thank you for sharing your personal situation. I'm trying so hard to take my blinders off and really look at this from all sides. I think that's why I'm so exhausted. I don't want to act on what I want to hope is so - I'm really trying to avoid that. I'm giving it time to sort my feelings out and make sure I see it for what it really is and not what I hope it is.
Lindieloo: I have been over to your thread and I'm watching it for updates. I have learned a lot from reading it! Thank you for commenting and I will continue to watch your page for advice/info.
Thank you for challenging my thoughts. I respect and appreciate when people are truthful and give me the tough questions to consider.
I'm not trying to offer excuses for his behavior with this additional information - just adding to what I had given initially to see if you still have the same impression. His response was stinging and very cruel when I said my text was hurtful but unintentional. I feel his response was specifically to inflict pain upon me - almost hoping I fire back with my temper. Not going there. Not this time. It's what he expects and I'm not handing it over with the control. I feel like I need to respond? If I don't, don't you think that's given him the control to think he was right about everything he declared in his email? He's kept me as his #1 on his friends list. I've been wondering why he hasn't blocked me like other friends he's fallen out with? Why keep me? Could be the control thing huh? He's still interested in watching what I'm up to? Hmmm..that IS an interesting angle...
SaginluvwithaCancer>>So would he go through all that trouble if he never intended to meet me?
Sandran712>>Yes..He may have had intentions to meet you.But, as a Cancer..WE tend to get a bit distracted and whatever seemed more crucial we tend to it first.Family always comes first no matter if we want to be there or not.
saginluvwithacancer>>He carries a lot of guilt from his last romantic relationship which ended 6 yrs ago when his fiance was killed by a drunk driver. He should have been with her that night and blames himself for her death still
Sandran712>>This is a heavy burden to carry.He has not gotten over the guilt part.It takes time to get over.Everyone has a burden like this to carry.But, He should be left alone unless he comes to you.My question is...Is life really so boring that we have to look to the net to find someone?I haven't had anything but heartache being on the computer for a significant other.Helll the guy down the road from me used to be my boyfriend sees me 1 date and I never seen him for 6 months now..He won't even call...Won't answer an email..I guess another question I have is..What is the secret to getting a guy to answer an email???LOL
There was this Cancer male that I had my eye on since middle school and thru high school, he was 2 years older than me so we weren’t in any of the same classes together, we never talked just eye contact and flirting in the halls in between classes. We even had mutual friends but no matter how hard I tried… fate has her own timing. I couldn’t find him anywhere my jr or sr year. I graduated and got into a serious relationship with a capricorn man and then 3 years later got an office/human resources job with this trucking company. About 3 weeks into the job I come across his file… HE WORKED THERE TOO! Although I tried, I couldn’t find a way to interact with the drivers and I still had the capricorn in my life. And once again fate put us on hold. Forwarding to 4 years into this company, the top HR lady asked me if I knew him because she noticed we both attended the same h.s. when i told her i knew him, she told me he just got married. My stomach dropped. I couldn’t figure out why did my stomach drop when we never even spoke to each other. Around the same time the capricorn cheated on me and we were done. Cancer man left the company only to return about 2 years ago. New management took over and they made him a manager… AT LAST… WE SPEAK! At first we played it professional but then he found me out at a club one weekend and we’ve been talking since. We finally broke the ice about h.s and about working at the same company for so long. We talked for months and even have talked about having children together but we never went further than kissing,even though we both knew it was wrong because he is still married. He talked about how his wife doesn’t appreciate him and that they got married for all the wrong reasons. They don’t have children together. So he attempted to file for divorce and she was so against it the attorney suggested counseling. He told me that in counseling she has agreed to anything he wants and even offered to take him away on vacation. So upon telling me this… my stomach dropped again and I wished him success in his marriage and I attempted to leave. He told me he doesn’t want to stop being my friend and that things are gonna change …but I told him that it’s obvious we can’t resist each other so truthfully we can’t be friends. So that was 2 months ago and other than seeing him once or twice in the halls at work... I miss him terribly now! What should I do? How can I feel like I’ve just lost my soulmate?
Aquarius126>>He told me he doesn’t want to stop being my friend and that things are gonna change
Sandran712>>Saying that things gonna change could mean anything.Same thing for him saying that his wife doesn't appreciate him.He may say it.But, I cannot see Cancer male getting a divorce before trying therapy first.Me being a Cancer..Am I asleep or something when I see a man ??Because when I see a guy I know and am interested in.It goes no where.Can someone help me... what is wrong with me???LOL
Reply by telling him why you sent the text.. you got scared. Of course you're scared, at this point you both are all talk, no offense. Be honest and say sorry, should be easy as a fellow sadge.. but don't let the way he responded slide either. And relax a little! It is just online... for all you know he's a horrible kisser and has a foot fetish.. I.e. You could meet him and not feel sparks. P.S. Sag and cancer can be tough, the one I'm involved with off and on drives me to both ends of the spectrum, in the end you have to be you and comfy.. Knowing cancer traits is great but it will make it harder if you use the detail to make decisions more than you doing what sits right within you. I know this because I would read things, have a lil aha! Moment and try something different.. only to later realize that that new way.. Wasn't true to me, what I wanted/needed, or how I felt.
SaginluvwithaCancer>>Could be the control thing huh? He's still interested in watching what I'm up to? Hmmm..that IS an interesting angle...
Sandran712>>Keep us updated.I like a Saggitarius.But, the feelings were so uneasy it was an emotional rollercoaster for me.I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.He didn't feel the"love" for me anyways.And he turned out to be an asss.
Saginluv-I don't really understand how someone can claim to love you when you haven't met face to face yet. I 've met a few guys online but when I meet them in person it's nothing like the online/phone relationship and there's no sparks or chemistry. I even met guys I once knew after many years and there was no chemistry, but when we really want love it's easy to fantasize and make this person into a person you love and actually start feeling like you are in love. But it isn't real. Since your ex never was very doting and romantic to you, and this cancer was charming and said sweet things to you maybe you fell for this charm, we women tend to do that easily. But real love only comes after knowing someone in person for awhile.
I also think it was quite dramatic for him to react that way and say thngs like he'll never love someone because you hurt him. Get real! he didn't even know you in person! He obviously said that to sting back. Cancers say dramatic things when they are hurt. I have a scorpio moon and I say things like that sting when hurt which I've learned to control over the years. My cancer guy said that when i rejected him 14 years ago he closed his heart and was never able to fall in love, and even being in 2 plane crashes didn't hurt as much as the pain I caused him. At first I felt guilty and cried but later realized he was being dramatic.
Give him some time to think about it and cool off, then try to contact him again.
luazinha>>say things like that sting when hurt which I've learned to control over the years
Sandran712>>I've done this too.As you get older it gets easier in the self control department.Getting a little sick of this Cappy's bulllshit ...he is playing me..Remember I emailed him.On both private and a website.So he did get it either way.Well he was on this site yesterday posting on another girl's profile we went to school with.He posted first before we dated.But, he posts a response on it yesterday.This is all very juvenile.I am not jealous.Because my intuition tells me that she is not interested in him.It's the ignoring my emails that bother me.I guess it's time for me to step away from the boards for awhile.And hide in my cozy corner.
Sandran712>>I've done this too.As you get older it gets easier in the self control department.
Well it's been a week since he sent his email. I've given a reasonable amount of space to allow him to calm down. So I'm responding to him tonight. No anger in my reply at all. I know I got stung because of the hurt I caused. And I think everyone here who said he had me built up into a fantasy and I shattered it with my "texting episode" is spot on! So he chose to push me away instead of addressing our miscues/miscommunications. Since it was the first time I've seen anything close to this behavior from him I'm not letting it get me riled. I'm very hurt from the cutdown that I clearly didn't deserve. Going to stand my ground and explain the history with the ex and the dark place my comment came from . But it wasn't about him..not everything is about him. It hurt him and I take responsibility for that. But things from our past are going to appear - when we least expect them to. We can decide to deal with it together with compassion & understanding and mutual respect or take everything personally and run for the hills. I'm atypical sag in that I'm a fighter and not inclined to run for greener pastures. I'll give it what I have if I'm being met in the middle...or I'll take close to the middle for now out of my stubborn Cancer I'll keep you all posted on the developments. You've been very candid and so helpful in giving me things to consider in my reply. Thank you from my heart!
Sandran712>>Getting a little sick of this Cappy's bulllshit ...he is playing me..Remember I emailed him.On both private and a website.So he did get it either way.
You are so right to be fed up. Somewhere in the cyber manual (and I haven't found it yet but I'm certain it's there) it says that men can abandon all sense of decency, tact and better judgement when it comes to the cyber world. They hide...plain & simple. The communication skills are inept and it's like they resort to their prepubescent days of being afraid of girls. I'm am so sick and tired of the hiding behind email and the rudeness of just deciding not to reply. Adult women don't need their feelings spared...we need men who will own their own feelings...grow a pair and be honest. STOP THE HIDING!! Geesh I'm so with you... I can't stand it!! And they wonder why women go "psycho" with them...hmmm...wonder why that would be lol????
saginluvwithaCancer>>Well it's been a week since he sent his email. I've given a reasonable amount of space to allow him to calm down.
Sandran712>>A week is nothing to a Cancer.Remember..we can take longer to heal.I myself am going through an issue with a Cappy.I haven't seen from him in 6 months.He only lives 10 miles down the road..But, Cancer's hide alot.Same with this assshole Cappy.He is probably depressed and trying to recapture from something in his past.But, men really need to get over themselves.
Sag...try to be patient...He does know you are there for him.We just get impatient because we don't see them when we want to.Everyone goes through different things.
saginluvwithaCancer-Sandran is right, a week is nothing to a cancer, especially if they were hurt. I would give it a couple of weeks. keep us posted.
sandran712-I would give up on that cappy, 6 months? Maybe that's not long for you but I would have given up long ago. Two or three months would be my max..but I'm a Leo. I usually want attention instantly.
Luazinha>>sandran712-I would give up on that cappy, 6 months? Maybe that's not long for you but I would have given up long ago. Two or three months would be my max..but I'm a Leo. I usually want attention instantly.
Sandran712>>Yeah I kinda felt it... the minute he walked out the door when he was here last.I go to church and he lives a life I tried for years to get away from.It was nice to see him.But, past has a past for a reason.Besides he knows where I live if he wants to see me.Boy he is jealous if I talk to another guy..So I thought that he showed some interest.I've been corresponding to Cancer dumbass.We finally getting each other's emails.He lives in Illinois.2 states over.
sandran-you are corresponding with the cancer again? How is that going?
luazinha>>sandran-you are corresponding with the cancer again? How is that going?
Sandran712>Yes our emails are reaching each other..finally..He seems nice..It's weird writing to someone with the same zodiac sign.Two times I mentioned if he was married and he has dodged this question.This is a question I would ask any guy.I do not want to correspond to a guy that is still actively married.Hopefully I will get an answer from this soon.I think he may be divorced.But, divorced and separated are two different things.There is no feelings yet and I don't want to pursue something I have no business being involved in.
sandran-why do you think he would dogde that question? I agree about not pursuing a guy that is actively married. I went out with a guy 3 times and then I found out he was separated but not legally divorced yet. I broke it off right away.
I just had a bad experience with another leo. he acts like a cancer and disappears somtimes for months. I'm going to post this story on another thread. I'm upset with him right now.
I myself am a stag who seems to only attract cancers. Guilt is their weapon of choice. They seem to always expect us to understand their "stealth" moments and their tendency to be... shall we say a tad bit over emotional. However, although they sometimes are understanding about our burst of temperament, more often then not they are hurt by it. I'm much like yourself, I selfishly give and give of myself but I'm guarded when it comes to matters of the heart, especially when it is my own on the line. Those walls we build are hard to tear down. It's not as if you can wake up one morning and they're gone. It takes a lot of perseverance on your partners end as well as your own. As for your cancer man he was attacking back in the way he knows best how. He's probably feeling like shit right now but is afraid to come back out of that shell of his and say so. Afraid of your rejection of his apology. When you write him back, explain why you said it, bare a little of your soul and show him that you have weaknesses too. At a later date you two will have to address those damnable pedestals cancers love so much to put others on and show him you're beside him not above him or trust me it will become a very big problem. Also, fyi, those insecurities for the most part don't go away now matter how frustrating they are for us stags.